With the sound of Ike's voice, my eyes flew open. "Oh my God!" I whispered. Within seconds, Ike and I were on our feet, each on either side of the lounge chair. Quickly, I put on his sweatshirt. It was as if the extra layer of clothing and the extra space between us could erase what had taken place, or at least prevent it from happening again.
"I... I... I..." I stuttered.
"I know," was Ike's soft reply.
I put my face in my hands. I took deep breaths, hoping to keep myself from crying.
"Becca, please, say something."
I looked up and stared into Ike's brown eyes. "What do you want me to say?"
"I... I don't know."
"Well, I don't know what to say either."
"Becca, what happened... what happened wasn't... it wasn't..."
"Wasn't what, Ike? Wasn't wrong?" I asked. He didn't answer, but I could tell by the expression on his face that's what he intended to say. "How could you even think that? Your girlfriend is inside sleeping. Meanwhile, we're making out on the deck. You mean to tell me you don't feel the slightest bit guilty?"
"Of course I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I've made you upset. And I feel guilty that my feelings for you are stronger than they are for Alison. That's not fair to her," Ike said, stumbling over the words.
"Feelings for me? You have feelings for me?" I was surprised by his statement, and I know my voice conveyed that.
"Don't sound so shocked. How could that have just taken place if I didn't have feelings for you? Becca, you're such an important part of my life. Always have been, always will be." Sometime during his little confession, Ike moved from his post on the other side of the lounge chair to directly in front of me. He cupped my face in his hand, forcing me to look him in the eyes.
"You're important to me, too," I whispered.
"Then please, don't push me away."
"What... what makes you think I'm gonna do that?"
"Steve, Josh, Mike, Tyler."
"Why are you listing my past boyfriends?"
"Because... because whenever they tried to get closer to you, you'd push them away. I guess... I'm just afraid you'll do the same thing to me."
"Don't compare yourself to them. You're nothing like them. But... but of course I'm gonna push you away. We can't... we can't be together." I felt my eyes fill with tears.
"Yes, we can."
"No, we can't. I won't... I won't be the other woman." The other woman. Those words echoed over and over in my head. They made me feel like trash.
"You won't be."
"You'd... you'd leave Alison?"
"It's only fair, to all of us."
"How can you be sure? How do you know that Alison's not the girl for you? That what happened between us wasn't a mistake?"
Ike flinched at the word mistake. "No, Bec, it didn't feel like a mistake. I can't... You... you thought it was?" It was evident in his voice that the thought that I didn't return his feelings hurt him, deeply.
I sighed. "I don't know. I... I liked it... a lot."
"Me too," he replied softly.
At that point, I wanted nothing more than to feel his lips brush mine. "I... I should go," I said, turning around and heading for the house.
When I reached the sliding glass door, I stopped dead in my tracks. How could I possibly go inside? How could I go back upstairs and share a room with Alison? I could never be face to face with her again. Once again, I buried my face in my hands. This time, I let the tears spill over.
"Becca?" Ike tentatively put his hands on my shoulders.
Going against everything my mind told me was the right thing to do, I followed my heart. I turned around and buried my face in Ike's chest, letting him put his arms around me, comforting me. "I can't go inside, Ike. Can't go inside."
"What do you need me to do?"
"Please, go get my clothes and keys. I... I should go back to the dorms."
"All right, but, what do I tell everyone? They're gonna wonder why you left."
"Tell them... tell them I got sick, and I'm gonna have to cancel our plans for this weekend," I said, closing my eyes."
"No. Please, Becca. Don't do this."
"I have no choice," I said softly. I opened my eyes and looked into his, wet with emotion.
Ike nodded his head. "Okay. If that's what you want. I... I just want you to be happy. That's all I ever wanted."
"I know."
We walked into the house. I sat on the couch while Ike went upstairs and got my keys and clothes. He came downstairs, and I changed in the bathroom. Then I handed him Tay's clothes and his sweatshirt. Much to my surprise, he handed the sweatshirt back to me. "Keep it. It's chilly, and you shouldn't be out in only a tee shirt."
I took the sweatshirt from him, nodding my head. "Thanks," I whispered. I slipped it on and headed for the door. I opened the storm door, then the screen door. But I didn't go outside. I stood in the doorway. Should I turn around? Should I say goodbye? Should I ignore my conscience and go back for one last kiss?
As I stepped outside, I pulled the storm door shut behind me.