I squinted as the sun rose, turning the sky a brilliant shade of pink. Today was going to be warm, as opposed to last night's chilly weather.
Last night... After Rebecca left I couldn't sleep. So I sat in THE lounge chair, replaying the scene over and over in my mind. I was having trouble making heads or tails of what had taken place between us.
It started out so innocent; I was comforting a friend. Becca was stressed out, so I gave her a massage to help her relax. No big deal. At least, it wasn't at first. But it escalated. How, though? Why had it happened? Were we both just looking for affection, and just happened to be there? Or did we actually feel something towards one another? Had our friendship evolved?
I sighed. This was something I couldn't figure out on my own. I needed help, Becca's help. She's too busy distancing herself from me, though. Looks like I'm gonna have to be the one to close the gap.
I looked down at the cordless in my lap. After Becca left I had it glued to my side, hoping she'd call. Of course, she didn't. I wasn't really EXPECTING her to, just HOPING she would. I picked up the phone and dialed Becca's dorm room number.
"Hello?" Becca answered on the first ring.
"Sounds like you didn't get much sleep either."
"No, I didn't." She sighed. "What is it, Ike?"
"I wanna talk about last night."
"I don't."
"Why?"
"Because."
"Because why? There must be a reason. It happened. We kissed. We can't change that, so we might as well sort everything out."
"There's nothing TO sort out."
"How can you say that?"
"Quite easily, actually."
"Becca, I'm losing my patience. I can understand that you didn't want to talk last night, but we really need to talk about this. It's not just going to go away." Sometimes, getting Becca to talk about her feelings is like pulling teeth.
"That's where you're wrong. It is going to go away. I'm sorry, Ike, but I can't see you or talk to you anymore."
I almost dropped the cordless. I blinked, several times, as if it could erase what Becca had just said. "Please, tell me you're not serious," I said softly.
"I'm dead serious." Her voice was so low, I almost didn't hear her. Almost.
"But Becca... last night... last night you said..."
"I know what I said," she told me, her voice still low.
"You didn't mean it?"
"No, that's just the problem. I DID mean it. What happened between us... I liked it... I liked it a lot. And that's why I can't see you anymore."
I shook my head, even thought she couldn't see me. "You aren't making any sense."
"No, Ike, I'm making perfect sense." Becca let out a deep sigh. "I know... I know you said you have feelings for me. And I know you said they were stronger than your feelings for Alison, but..."
"But you don't have feelings for me," I finished her sentence for her.
"Oh God, no! No, that's not it at all! I DO have feelings for you. I care about you, very much. I always have and always will. I probably had these feelings all along. The problem is, you didn't."
"So? What does it matter when my feelings changed? I told you I care about you, and I mean it."
"I don't doubt that you do..."
"Then what's the problem, Becca?" I interrupted her.
"Your feelings for me aren't as strong as mine are for you."
"You don't know what I'm feeling."
"Actually, I do. I know you love Alison. I know you do. If you didn't, you wouldn't have called me asking how to ask her out and looking for suggestions for gifts. She's the one you want."
Becca's words hit me like a ton of bricks. "That's not true," I whispered.
"Yes, it is. You and I both know it. Last night... we were lost in our own world, but it wasn't the real world. The reality is you and Alison. You and I is a fantasy, and it's mine."
"No, no, Becca. You're wrong. We can make the fantasy a reality, you and I. And one day you'll realize that. You will, Becca. I know it." I was fighting to maintain my composure and self-control. I was losing.
"Ike, I... I... I gotta go. Lisa just came in and she needs to use the phone."
"No, wait! Becca, please don't..."
"Bye, Ike." Click.
"...go."