"Even the days are brighter... When someone you love's beside ya... Even the nights are better... Since I found you..." I belted out along with my new Air Supply CD, regardless of my tone deaf ears and off-key voice.
After speaking with my mom on the phone yesterday, I went back to the mall for the CD. I've been playing it over and over since. Under normal circumstances, such an act would be emotional suicide, sheer torture. But, instead, it was giving me some sort of newfound vindication. I've finally come to terms with my feelings for Ike, with or without their return.
I also picked up a box of Loreal hair color just in case the CD alone didn't work. There's nothing like the smell of peroxide to take your mind off things and bleach your nose hairs. However, I don't see myself singing "A Natural Woman" when I'm done highlighting my hair. Oh, sure, I can tell myself it's because the song was used in the commercial for another brand. But honestly, I don't know what a 'natural' woman is supposed to feel like. Let me tell you this, though. If it feels like this, like someone ripped out your heart, I'd rather be a plastic creation of Mattel.
"Here I am... The one that you love... Asking for another day... Here I am... The one that you love... Who loves you in so many ways..." I sang along to the next song as I combed the purple cream through my hair. Of course, when I was done, I would have russet highlights. At the very least, I hoped I would. I worked quickly, my hands sweating in those damn plastic gloves that came in the box, and all the while singing to my little heart's content.
ding-dong.
"Coming!" I shouted. I ripped off the gloves, threw them in the trash, and ran for the door. "Yes?" I opened the door.
Ike stood on the other side of the doorframe, his jaw dropped, eyes wide. He wore a pained expression on his face. My first thought was that something was wrong. Someone was hurt. "Ike? What is it? What's wrong?"
"My... my... my sweatshirt. What did you do to it?" he asked softly.
I looked down at myself, and suddenly felt ashamed. True, Isaac DID give me the sweatshirt. Now, obviously, treating it as if it had been mine all along was not the best thing to have done. The cuffs of the sleeves were black with dirt, despite the shirt's many washings. They were also stretched out from pulling them over my hands. The shirt itself is stretched out from the numerous times I brought my knees to my chest and pulled the sweatshirt over them. I had cut the neck out, which now revealed my bare shoulder. The shirt, from the chest up, is speckled with various colors from frequent hair dying experiments. I swallowed hard, suddenly feeling guilty. "I'm sorry, Ike," I said softly. "I... I wasn't thinking. I didn't mean to destroy it. I'm sorry."
"Ah... don't worry about it." He smiled. "Guess there's no chance of me getting my favorite sweatshirt back now, is there?" There was a twinkle in his eye. The same twinkle that always appeared when Ike was teasing me, and had me right where he wanted me.
I shook my head. "Nope."
"Well, that's not what I came here for, anyway. Mind if I come in?"
"No, not at all." I allowed him to pass through into my apartment. "So, what's up?"
"Well, uh... happy birthday!" Ike held out a gift bag for me, like some sort of peace offering.
I smiled. "Thank you!" I said, hugging him. "You didn't have to do that. Actually, I'm surprised you remembered."
"Don't be ridiculous! How could Zac, Tay, and I forget your birthday? Well, are ya gonna open it, or what?"
We sat down on the couch and I pulled the tissue paper out of the bag. I pulled out an envelope and opened it. Inside were a two-week vacation notice and a plane ticket to LA. "What's this?" I asked.
"Two weeks off and a plane ticket so you can visit your family. At the mall yesterday, you just seemed, I don't know, out of it, I guess. I kinda figured that maybe some time back in LA and out in the sun is what you need." Ike paused. "Am I wrong?" he cautiously asked.
"No. No, you're not wrong. It'll be nice to go home and see everyone again, even if I HAVE only been away for two weeks." I smiled, but let out a heavy sigh. "It'll be great," I said softly.
"Oh, no. You don't like it. I asked you to go to the mall yesterday so I could figure out what to get you. I thought I had found the perfect gift. It SEEMED like a good idea at the time. I'm sorry. I'll get you something else."
"This IS the perfect gift. Really. Thank you." I gave Ike a quick kiss on the cheek and smiled. "So, you didn't need my help picking out a gift for Zoe after all, did you?"
He shook his head. "Nope. In fact, I already had Zoe's gift. What I bought yesterday is what Zac gave her."
"I THOUGHT it was a little strange. Sure, you got bad taste, but I figured you'd be able to AT LEAST pick out Zoe's size," I teased.
"Bad taste, huh? When was the last time you looked in the mirror?" Ike eyed my hair.
"Mirror? Oh my God! My hair!" My hands instinctively went to my head. "Quick! What time is it?"
"Twenty to. Why?"
"Oh, no!" I pulled Ike to his feet. "You gotta help me rinse this stuff out of my hair. NOW." I dragged him to the bathroom.
"EWW! Bec, it smells in here!"
"Deal with it." I knelt down, leaned into the bathtub, and stuck my head under the faucet. "Turn the water on," I instructed.
Ten minutes and a minor conniption later, Ike and I were in my living room again. Ike was looking around while I was inspecting my damp locks in the mirror. "It's not TOO bad, is it? Be honest with me."
"Honest? Bec, really, I'm so used to you changing more often than a chameleon that I don't think there's one thing you could do that would surprise me. I'm used to you."
"Nothing would surprise you?" All right. So I'm flirting. I can't help myself. I love him, even if he doesn't know it. But I need to know if there's anyway, any chance, he may feel REMOTELY similar to the way I feel about him.
"Nothing," Ike replied firmly. "Hey, Bec, when did you get this CD?" He held up Air Supply, Greatest Hits.
"I went back to the mall yesterday after I talked to my mom." I shrugged. "I just had to have it."
Ike nodded. "Is it any good?"
"Decide for yourself." I pressed play and jumped to song seven.
We stood there in silence, listening. I was looking at the carpet. I just couldn't bring myself to look at Ike. Could it be? Could I be timid and shy now after calling him a yokel before I even met him? After years of friendship, blood, sweat, and tears? Since when have I ever held anything back?
I wish I could carry your smile in my heart... For times when my life seems so low.... It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring... When today doesn't really know...
Ike is the excellent kisser I remember him to be. This is what I'm thinking as I press my lips against his, as I run my fingers through his hair. They travel down his back, outlining his spine. They find the front of his shirt, and untuck it from his jeans. They trace his abs and slowly run up his chest. And all the while, I can't get over what a great kisser he is.
I want you to come back and carry me home... Away from these long, lonely nights... I'm reaching for you... Are you feeling it, too... Does the feeling seem oh, so right...
It does. It does feel right. That is, until Ike pulls away.
"Well, I stand corrected. You've surprised me. But Bec, Bec, don't play with me. I can handle being just friends. Really, I can. But not if you're gonna toy with my feelings for you."
"I'm not toying with you. Honestly. I think, I think I'm ready now, for a relationship, that is, if you are."
"Are you sure? I mean, are you REALLY sure?"
"Ike, the bottom line is, I need you in my life. And I love you. I love you so much. I can't turn it off, I never could. So I'm acting on it. I never stopped thinking of you, and I most certainly never stopped loving you."
"I don't know when I started. I just know each day without you gets harder and harder. I'm lost without you. Becca, I love you."
"I never stopped believing you'd say those words to me."
"I never stopped believing fate would bring us together again."
"Kiss me."
I'm all out of love... I'm so lost without you... I know you were right, believing for so long... I'm all out of love... What am I without you... I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong...
"Becca, this is it. Sink or swim. All or nothing."
"All. I want it all. Actually, I want you. Just me, loving you, loving me."
I traced Ike's lips with my finger. He kissed it. "This isn't going to be easy," he said.
"Nothing about our relationship has ever been easy," I replied, a soft smile playing on my lips.
"You always had a boyfriend."
"Half the female population pledged its undying love to you."
"You were a big flirt."
"You were seeing Alison."
"But you were always so strong."
"And you always made me laugh."
"You could make me forget who I was."
"You showed me who I could be. I like that person."
"I love that person."
I'm all out of love... I'm so lost without you... I know you were right, believing for so long... I'm all out of love... What am I without you... I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong...
I love that person, too. That's what I realize as Ike begins to shower me with the sweetest of kisses. I'm lucky. I know that now. We have the best friendship. I love him. He loves me, too. And just when it seemed like we were in a place where we would be separated forever, we broke through and found one another, again. Again. Yes, I'm lucky. After all, chances like this don't come along everyday.