I stood there, completely numb. I was frozen. I looked down at the pint-sized version of Laura. One word echoed in my head. 'Mommy.'
"Mommy, who is that man?" the little girl asked.
Laura scooped her up in her arms and walked towards me. "Taylor, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Madeline. Maddy, this is my friend Taylor." A completely new and different Laura stood before me. She had a glow about her, a new glow, a maternal glow.
The little girl, Madeline, stuck her right hand out for me to shake. With this gesture, I began to thaw and a smile spread across my face. Madeline was absoultely adorable. No doubt she would grow up to be as beautiful as Laura, if not more.
I shook her hand. "Pleased to meet you, Madeline," I said.
She giggled. "Call me Maddy." The girl was too sweet and too adorable for words. "Guess what, Taylor," Maddy prompted me.
"I give up. What?" I just couldn't get rid of the smile she put on my face.
"I turn four next week!" she said, fidgeting in Laura's arms.
Laura ruffled Madeline's hair. "Alright, that's enough. It's WAY past your bedtime. Say goodnight to Taylor."
Madeline continued to fidget and Laura set her down. Maddy walked over towards me, and I knelt down so I was eye-level with her.
"Goodnight, Taylor," she said softly. Then she suprised me by kissing me on the cheek.
"Come on, you," Laura said, holding her hand out to Maddy. "I'll be right back," she said to me. Mother and daughter went upstairs, hand-in-hand.
I sat down on the couch. Then reality hit and my smile disappeared. I thought of what Maddy said, 'I turn four next week!' Then I remembered what Laura said, 'something happened.' So the something was Madeline.
A wave of hurt and anger rushed over me. I was angry because Laura didn't tell me the truth from the beginning. I was hurt because it felt like she cheated on me, even though that wasn't really the case. When she left for Spain she wasn't my girlfriend. I hadn't worked up the nerve to make a committment before she left. I wanted to do it when she came back. But she didn't come back. How could she do this? To herself? To me? To us? I put my head in my hands. I didn't know what else to do.
"Taylor. Taylor. Taylor, look at me. Taylor, look at me PLEASE!" Laura pleaded.
But I couldn't. I couldn't bring myself to look her in the eyes. Not after what she'd done. I loved her, but I never told her. I waited, and then it was too late. Maybe if I had...
Laura pulled my hands away from my face, forcing me to look at her. She was crying silent tears. I felt mine spill over.
"Why, Laura? Why? Why on earth..." I couldn't even finish my sentence. This had been a direct blow to my heart. I thought NOTHING could hurt worse than when Laura didn't come back. I was wrong.
"Yes, Taylor, the something that happened was Madeline. It was in Spain. A group of us American students went out dancing one night. A little bit of alcohol, a loss of inhibitions..." She shrugged, sparing me the details. Then her tears really began to flow. "I didn't even know I was pregnant until I got home. I couldn't face you. There was NO WAY I could tell you. So I left without saying goodbye," she finished, wiping her tears away.
She sat on the floor, sobbing. Her eyes begged for forgiveness. I wanted to forgive. I wanted to hold her. But I couldn't. I couldn't knowing someone had touched her where I'd touched her. Knowing someone had touched her where I HADN'T touched her. The mere thought of it all made me feel sick to my stomach.
Regardless of how much it upset her, there was something I had to know. "Where's Madeline's father?"
"Gone. In denial really. Actually, a firm believer in the immaculate conception," she responded sarcasticlly. There was something behind her eyes I've never seen before. It was bitterness.
Laura sniffed and brushed away a few stray tears. "You better go now, Tay. If you want, I'll call a cab. You really shouldn't drive, being upset and all."
Finally, everything that had been festering inside me came to a head and exploded. "Upset!?! Upset!?! Oh Jesus, I WONDER WHY! Could it POSSIBLY be because someone I cared deeply about, LOVED EVEN, went off BEHIND MY BACK, IN A FOREIGH COUNTRY NO LESS, and is now the MOTHER of a FOUR-YEAR-OLD GIRL!?! Do you think MAYBE that's it!?! How could you have been SO CARELESS, SO STUPID!?!"
Laura just sat on the floor, eyes closed and bottom lip quivering. I immediately regreted that last statement. But at the same time, I felt as if it wasn't enough - like she couldn't be hurting nearly as much as I was, or something.
Laura opened her eyes. "Taylor, you better leave. NOW. And DON'T say you're sorry 'cause you and I both know you're not." Her voice was suprisingly level.
"Laura..."
"Go. NOW."
She rose to her feet and headed upstairs. I let myself out and drove to the apartment, random tears falling the entire ride.