Bookends Theme Time it was, and what a time it was, it was A time of innocence, a time of confidences Long ago, it must be, I have a photograph Preserve your memories; They're all that's left you

What a time it was

The next morning, I stood in the bathroom looking at myself in the mirror. I had bruises in the strangest places on my back and legs. Funny though, I don't remember it hurting when I fell back on the stairs. Maybe all the rumors of "kiss it and make it better" were true. I also worried that Annabelle finding her parents sprawled out at the top of the stairs, right in front of her door, mostly naked would somehow scar her. I mean we weren't fully naked and going at it, but...

Anyway, she had ended up sleeping with Taylor and I, wedged between us like a chastity belt, the thumb of her right hand in her mouth and her left hand in her daddy's hair. I watched her fall asleep, her eyelids glowing blue in the soft light pouring in the skylight. I could see the remnants of her day on her dirty cheeks. I leaned down to kiss her, the silk of her angel soft hair beneath my lips. I breathed in deep the scent of her, a combination of sweet and sour. And then it hit me as it often does, this overwhelming wash of emotions. What if I didn't love her enough? What if I loved her too much? What if I really had scarred her for life? What if I truly became my mother?

"She is perfect." Taylor breathed, his words echoing my thoughts.

"I just want her to stay that way," I sighed.

"She will." Taylor said smiling softly. He gently twisted her ringlets around his index finger, something he had done to my hair on many occasions. "They all will be perfect."

I think I had wanted to respond to that, but didn't. I'm not sure, but I think I had fallen asleep before the words could come out of my mouth. There is nothing like falling asleep in your own bed, but even better was waking up there. As I pulled on my clothes, I heard rustling in the bedroom. I cracked the door and checked on my little family. Taylor was asleep on his back with Annabelle tucked up in the crook of his arm, her arm splayed across her daddy's chest. I would have loved to be in bed with them, but I knew that Anne and Emory would be on time. So, I'd forced myself to get up out of bed and actually get ready for the day. After all of the craziness and drama of the last month, all I wanted to do was stay at home, sit on the floor with my baby and color while her daddy played the piano. I wanted just for one day to pretend that I had a normal life, but that wasn't meant to be.

I think it's amazing what a shower can do for a person's attitude.

I tiptoed out past Taylor and Annabelle. I had to laugh at how they were both snuggled together in almost the exact same posture, one hand flung out, one leg sticking out of the covers. In sleep, there was no denying who her father was. I was taking my first swig of orange juice when I heard the front door squeak open. "Back in the kitchen," I called quietly.

“The troops are still sleeping?” Emory asked as she breezed in. She was tall and beautiful, but her face had recently taken on a grim expression. Her unhappiness showing in the deep lines around her mouth, she looked so much older than her twenty-six years.

“Yeah,” I answered wordlessly offering her and Anne a glass of juice. They both nodded, so I set about getting a glass for each of them. “We had a late night.”

“Well, it looks like the girls followed you home,” Anne said settling on a barstool.

“As always,” I shrugged.

“I will never understand why you’d live here, on a public street.” Emory said shuddering at the thought of being so available to the public. “I mean, there was a perfectly lovely spot over the hill just south of Diana and Walkers home.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t sure I wanted to live so far from the city.” I said knowing that no matter what I said I could never make Emory understand why I would choose to live somewhere the fans could actually get to. “Anyway, this is home for me or well, West Tulsa is.”

“Well, I think this house if very nice.” Anne said smiling. She knew that I didn’t want to live on “the compound” as we called it. Zac had already talked about building a house out there, preferring the quiet of the country to the noise of the suburbs. Zac loved all the hills and trees, the absolute privacy and isolation something he welcomed. “Zac and I will be out at the compound it looks like.”

When she said Zac’s name, she sighed deeply. I watched as she looked into her glass of juice with a lost look on her face. I really wanted to hug her, ask her what I can do to help her figure all of this out. But I was pretty sure that she hadn’t talked to Emory about anything. In fact, I was pretty sure that no one had talked to her about much since she lost her baby. In fact, I wanted to get out of here before Annabelle came wandering down the stairs and made Emory get that look on her face. The look that made me feel insanely guilty for being so happy. “Should we head out?”

“Yeah, let’s go.” Anne agreed walking over and setting her glass in the sink.

I snagged my purse and a set of house keys and was almost out the door when I heard it, the little voice of my angel calling for comfort. “Mommy?”

“Belle, come here.” I heard Taylor call sleepily from inside our room.

“No, Mommy is down the stairs.” Annabelle argued. I could see her feet; I knew there was no way I was going to escape without her seeing me. “Mommy?”

“Yeah baby?” I called looking at Anne and Emory and shrugged.

“Where you going?” She said appearing on the landing. Her hair was sticking out at impossible angles, her Disney princess nightgown hanging off her shoulder at an angle.

“I’m going to the store with Aunt Emory and Aunt Anne.” I said walking up the steps and gathering her in my arms. Last night, she smelled sweet and sour, now she was mostly sour.

“Can I go?” She asked wrapping her arms around my neck, legs around my waist.

“Not this time baby,” I said nuzzling her neck.

“But I want to go with Anne!” Annabelle said her voice petulant, her lip sticking out.

“Tell you what,” Anne said lifting Annabelle out of my arms. “When we come back, you can come back out to see Zac with me! Is that a deal?”

“But I want to go with you!” Annabelle pouted.

“Belle?” I heard Taylor call from upstairs.

“She’s down here,” I called back up to him.

I heard the distinct sound of Taylor walking across the floor of our bedroom, then his huge feet slapping the hardwood floor. He came into view wearing only his sweats, his hair looking very similar to Annabelle’s. Taylor exchanged quick hugs and good mornings with Anne and Emory. Is it wrong that just watching the flex and release of his muscles just under the skin was making me wish I could send Annabelle with them so I could stay home and in bed with my husband? He kissed me and I was happy that he’d taken a few moments to brush his teeth. When he pulled away his smile was sleepy and sexy. “I’m sorry baby, I tried to keep her upstairs.”

“No big deal,” I said sighing. “I always have time to say goodbye to her. And that is what this is, goodbye!”

“But Mommy!” Annabelle protested as Taylor took her out of Anne’s arms. “I want to go!”

“And I want World peace,” I said laughing at the stormy look on her face. She didn’t get the meaning of what I had said, but she did understand it as a no. Taylor and I have used that line since she learned the words “I want.” And boy, did she want lots and lots of things. “We’ll be back before you are even ready to go with Anne to Grandma’s, I promise.”

“Stay with me and I’ll let you have cookies for breakfast,” Taylor whispered in her ear.

”You’d better not,” I said shaking my finger in the direction of Taylor.

“We’d better get going, I have a hair appointment at 12:30,” Emory said her voice thickening with emotion. I knew that these moments, the simple family moments such as this were the ones that made her the saddest.

“Yeah, I promised Zac I’d be back for lunch,” Anne said rolling her eyes. “He didn’t want me to even come.”

“What’s up with him lately?” Emory asked as they walked out the door.

“See you soon,” I said blowing a kiss back at my family. “I love you!”

“Yes, you do.” Annabelle lisped, using the line that she had learned from Mama Margaret. The same line I’d used my whole life.

“I love you too,” Taylor said walking over to close the door behind us.

“No cookies!” I said as I walked down the steps trotting across the lawn to catch up with Emory and Anne. I climbed into the backseat of Emory’s black Pathfinder. I watched as Taylor and Annabelle stood on the porch waving goodbye. Once we turned the corner, I realized that I hadn’t heard a word of the conversation so far. Instead of trying to catch up, I figured I’d start a new a topic. “So, what do you suppose Isaac wants for his birthday?”

“Well, he needs new clothing.” Emory said sighing. “After seven months on the road, all of his favorite clothes are just awful. In fact, his favorite leather jacket is flat out rank.”

“So, the mall?” I asked.

“Absolutely!” Anne said happily. “Zac needs shoes that don’t smell like really, really old cheese and he needs them immediately. I told Diana to just throw away all of his socks, no need to even try to wash them.”

“I suppose that Tay could use some new clothes, but…”

“We know, Taylor won’t wear anything but his favorite broken in stuff.” Emory said laughing.

I always thought it was so funny how different Isaac, Taylor and Zac are in some respects. Isaac was a totally natty dresser, nice shirts, nice ties, nice shoes. Zac liked to wear comfortable clothes, but not necessarily baggy clothing. Zac loved showing off that drummer’s body. And Taylor? Well, he becomes highly attached to the strangest things and his hammered, ripped, stained jeans are the ones he loves. I’m not sure how or why, but, when I bought him nice, new jeans, he never wore them. “I guess I need to go to the thrift store and see if I can find him some new jeans.”

“He certainly is one of a kind,” Emory said as she smoothly navigated the streets of Tulsa. “Isn’t it amazing how much changes in just four short years.”

“Yes, it is.” Anne agreed. “I thought I was coming to Tulsa for two years to learn how to be a Physical Therapist.”

“And now, you’re sucked in!” I said laughing. “We got our hooks in you and now you will have to stay forever!”

“I hope so,” Anne said quietly as Emory pulled into the mall parking lot. “I love it here.”

The silence coming from Emory’s seat was palpable. I felt myself squirming in my seat. I knew that Emory didn’t like the fans much, but did she hate all of us? Did she hate our family? I felt my heart breaking for Isaac. She slid into a parking spot and sighed. “Ready?”

“I’m always ready to spend money…” Anne said laughing. “Especially when it’s Zac’s!”

“Augh, my phone!” I said as my phone began vibrating madly in my purse. “Probably Annabelle calling to tell me something that I will die if I don’t hear it right now! I’ll catch up with you.” I pulled it out and was shocked to see Isaac’s number on the caller ID. "Hello?”

“Hey,” Isaac answered.

“Happy birthday!” I said as Emory and Anne got ahead of me.

“Thanks,” he said his voice flat. “What are you up to?”

“I’m at the mall with Emory and Anne, why?” I said shocked at his attitude.

“Oh,” he said tiredly. “I guess this is a full day then.”

“No, actually, Emory has a hair appointment at 12:30 and Anne has a lunch date with Zac.” I said suddenly feeling the beginnings of worry nibbling at the back of my thoughts. There was a time that Isaac would have known exactly what Emory was doing and with who and where and how long she was going to be gone. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” Isaac said yawning. “Emory was gone when I woke up, I thought she’d just headed up to the main house.”

“Okay, as long as you’re sure.” I answered following Emory and Anne into the Woodland Hills mall. “What can I do for you?”

“You can take me to lunch today.” Isaac answered.

“Okay, sounds fun!” I said as I followed Emory into Wilson’s. It looked like Isaac was getting a new leather jacket whether he wanted one or not. “Where do you want to go?”

“What if we figure that out when I get there?”

“Okay,” I said pawing through a rack of gorgeous leather jackets. “I’ll see you soon. Bye.”

“Cleo?” He said a question in his voice, as I was about to hang up.

“Yeah?” I asked draping a really beautiful deep brown leather jacket over my arm. Taylor would look so good in this jacket. And really, he needed one. I waited for Isaac to continue as I started rifling through a rack of belts. The silence stretched longer than was normal. “Isaac?”

“Nothing,” he said sighing deeply. “I’ll talk to you.”

“Ike?” I asked as the phone went dead. My heart dropped at the sound of the dead phone line. “Damn it!”

“What did Belle do?” Emory asked right behind me.

“Oh shit,” I said jumping and dropping my phone, my bag and the leather jacket. “You scared me to death.”

“Sorry,” Emory said laughing. The first real laugh I’d heard from her in a very long time.

“No worries,” I said gathering my belongings off the floor.

“So, what did baby Bea need?” Emory asked.

“Oh, it wasn’t Belle…” I started. But I knew that maybe telling her who it was would wipe the smile off her face. “It was Taylor, he couldn’t find Belle’s princess shoes.”

“Ah well, that is important.” Emory said. She held up a very nice, longer leather jacket. “How about this to replace Ike’s beloved distressed jacket?”

“Oh, very nice.” I said holding out the sleeves. “What a great cut and so much nicer looking than the “antique” that he loves so much.”

“And have you smelled it recently?” Emory asked. I shook my head. “Well, if you had, you would totally understand why he needs one so desperately.”

“Hey, guys!” Anne called from over by the wall. “What do you think the odds of getting Zac to wear these and only these?” She held up a pair of chaps. “I mean, it would be a bold statement, but I think he could pull it off!”

“Oh Lord,” I said putting my hand over my eyes. “I so don’t need to even imagine Zac ass.”

This single comment just set a great tone for the rest of the shopping trip. After spending unreasonable amounts on foundation garments for our boys, we started out towards Emory’s car. Honestly, it was a good thing that we had an SUV, because all of the stuff we bought would have never fit into my BMW. But Isaac, Taylor and Zac all had completely new sets of socks, underwear and t-shirts. In addition, Isaac had an all new set of luggage from Emory, a new pair of ridiculously expensive sunglasses that were also an MP3 player from Zac and Anne and a watch that had so many functions I was fairly sure it could run the world (or a large portion of it) if given the chance from me and Taylor.

The conversation as we tore through the mall was easy and companionable. Anne didn’t bring up Zac’s bizarre behavior and Emory’s face had lost its pinched look. I had one last stop to make, because honestly if I tried to walk through the door with all of this stuff for her father and nothing for Annabelle there would be some more than just hell to pay. As I browsed through a selection of very pink and fluffy dresses, I got the tingle. I don’t know how or when, but I had developed this sixth sense where I can tell when someone is watching me. I looked around and didn’t notice any of the usual suspects, no obvious fans or gawkers. But with the concert the night before, the possibility that there were still a lot of out of town fans around was pretty high.

The end of our shopping trip found Emory and I in The Disney Store while Anne stepped around the corner to the GameStop to pick up one last gift for Zac. Honestly, all three of them hated shopping more than anything in the world, so the three of us got to spend lots of money for them. I gathered up my bags and a couple dresses that looked a lot like something spun out of sugar. Princess costumes and fairy dresses were very popular in my home. Emory was standing at the counter buying a handful of bracelets, all about the size of Annabelle’s wrists. “Emory, she is spoiled enough!”

“I know, but look at how sweet these are.” Emory said showing me the beaded bracelets that spelled out sayings such as: precious, Daddy’s Darling, Mommy’s Angel, sweet, Princess, etc. “And I know that she’ll love them.”

“Oh, she will.” I said setting the two dresses on the counter. “I still say she is sp…”

“Are you Cleo?” I heard a voice ask behind me. At the sound of the distinctly non-Oklahoma accent, I watched Emory’s face pull into a mask of distaste. Behind me stood a short, plump girl wearing low-rise jeans and a too tight, homemade Hanson t-shirt. “You are Cleo!”

“I am,” I said smiling. As much as I didn’t want the intrusion, I knew that being nice was the way to go. I didn’t need any vicious things posted about me online.

“Wow, this is so cool.” She said her face flushing pink. “Hold on! Meg! Meghan!”

“Oh God, there are more of them.” Emory said rolling her eyes as she paid for the bracelets.

“Just smile for a few minutes and it will all be over,” I said squeezing her shoulder.

“I’m sick of smiling and waiting for it to be over,” Emory hissed. “It’s never really over.”

“See! I told you it was them!” The first girl said jumping up and down holding Meghan’s hand. “Oh my God! Are they here? In the mall?”

“No, sorry, we’re here alone,” I answered smiling.

“Oh man, Annabelle was so cute last night!” Meghan said her voice coming out an unexpected bray. “Wasn’t she cute Jen?”

“So, so cute!” Jen said still bouncing up and down. Honestly, she really needed to buy herself a pair of jeans that came up a little higher so she wasn’t cut in such a strange way. Whoever told her that she could wear low-rise jeans was cruel. And really, I’m not sure why she thought she could wear a small t-shirt. As she stopped bouncing, I read the front of her shirt. It was a hand drawn Hanson symbol with the words “Taylor’s NEXT Wife,” written on it. How charming… “Cleo, you are so pretty!”

“Thanks,” I said handing the salesperson my credit card.

“You’re Emily, right?” Jen asked her eyes getting big.

“Emory,” I said knowing that was just not going to endear these fans to her.

“Are you sure?” Jen asked her eyes narrowing at me. “I thought that was a typo.”

“No, it’s Emory.” Meghan said rolling her eyes. “You are Emory, right?”

“I am,” Emory said the frown line between her eyebrows deepening.

“I read about your miscarriage online.” Meghan said in her scarily loud voice. I watched as several of the people in the store turned to look at us. All of the color left Emory’s face. “I mean, I know you and Ike are trying so hard to have a baby. You must have been so sad.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t…” Emory said rushing out of the store, leaving all of her packages behind.

“What?” Meghan said. “Did I say something?”

“She’s still upset by the loss.” I said closing my eyes. Of all the things that didn’t need to happen today, this was one of them. Her dislike of fans was just so huge and her resentment of them knowing every minute of her life had built to the breaking point. I leaned down and gathered all of her bags with mine.

“Oh,” Meghan said her voice finally dropping to a normal level. “I didn’t think…”

“I know,” I said sighing.

“Can I help you carry…” Jen began.

“No!” I said pulling the bags back. I was really irritated with these stupid girls. “Honestly, please, just stop… Please leave poor Emory alone.”

“I’m… I’m so sor…” Meghan said her chin quivering. “I didn’t mean…”

“I know,” I said feeling bad for my momentary anger at this poor girl. I was almost to the door of the store when I turned back around. The two girls looked so sad and crestfallen, their brush with Hanson wasn’t even with the guys and it was a total letdown. I sighed as I walked out into the mall.

“Where’s Emory?” Anne asked as she walked towards me.

“She’s most likely in her car crying.” I said glad to hand over some of the bags to Anne. “We ran into some fans and one started talking about Emory’s miscarriage.”

“Oh no,” Anne gasped. “Poor Emory.”

“Sometimes, I know why she hates the fans so bad.” I said sighing. We walked out of the mall in silence. Suddenly the day that had started so wonderfully was just not going great. I knew that now Emory would be in a very bad, very black mood for the rest of the day. And whenever that happened, one person paid the price: Isaac. “Tonight’s party should be a laugh riot.”

“I was just thinking that.” Anne said quietly as we approached the black SUV. “I was also wondering what we’re going to find when we pop open the doors of the car.”

“It will be ugly no matter what.” I said, stopping and taking a deep breath before opening the door. And it was just as ugly as I ever could have imagined. She sat behind the wheel of the car sobbing. And when I say sobbing, I mean it. Gut wrenching, heart breaking, soul rending sounds were coming out of her. They were otherworldly and painful. I threw the bags on the backseat and ran around the car. I yanked her door open and was greeted with the saddest face I’ve ever seen. “Oh baby…”

“Why?” She wailed as she fell into my arms. “Why are they like that?”

“I don’t know.” I said smoothing my hand over her hair.

“My God, they attack me and don’t even know my name.” She sobbed. I looked around and noticed that her wails were beginning to gather a crowd. If what she wanted was to be ignored, this was not the best way to act.

“Em, why don’t we get in the car?” I suggested as she clung to me. I looked at Anne standing there in what looked like complete shock, her face a mask of horror, her hands up in supplication, a silent prayer of comfort. “Anne can drive, you and I will sit in the back.”

“Okay,” Emory hiccupped. I had never felt so sorry for anyone in my life. I guided her into the backseat and climbed in behind her. Anne started the car with a roar. As she pulled away from the mall, I could see the girls standing in the parking lot, both of them looking bewildered. In a way, I felt sorry for them. They were in the wrong place, at the wrong time and made the totally wrong comment. Emory lay on the back seat, her head in my lap. “And, the worst part of it all is that they didn’t even know my name.”

“I know.” I said sighing. Anne’s eyes caught mine in the rearview mirror. “Em, you have to not let the stupidity get you down.”

“How?” She demanded sitting up. “How do I not let the heartlessness get to me? Didn’t you see her t-shirt?”

“You have to just let it roll off your back.” I said shrugging. “And the t-shirt? I know there is no possibility that it is even remotely true.”

“But how?” She asked, her tears abating a little as the anger took over. “How do you allow things like this to not bug you? How can you just shrug your shoulders and walk away? You know they are taking pictures of Belle even after Taylor has asked the fans not to and yet, it doesn’t stop you from going out into the venue. Girls cross the line all the time and try to get Belle to talk to them and yet, you don’t try to stop them… How does all of that not bug you?”

“Emory,” I started not sure how to tell her that she was just too high strung. That she really did know that Isaac was famous before they were married. But I was pretty sure that was not what she wanted to hear. “The thing that I’ve learned is that I can’t control any of this… this outside craziness. So I don’t even try. I take care of my family, because they are all I can control.”

“I want to go home,” Emory said her face a grim mask, the pinched look back.

“We’ll be back in Bixby in a few minutes.” Anne said her voice quiet.

"No, I want to go home to Dublin." Emory said quietly. “Go home and not come back.”

“Oh man,” I said grabbing her hand. “Don’t say that! Please, don’t say that. I know that right now is hard, but remember all of the great things you love about Ike. Think of all the great times we’ve had. Think about how much you love Ike!”

“The sad thing is that in the last couple of weeks, I’ve tried.” Emory said her voice the barest whisper. “And there is nothing.”

“How can you say that?” I asked and knew immediately that wasn’t the right reaction. I quickly scanned my memory for something. “What about the “pool incident”?” I said doing quotes with my fingers. I heard a snort of laughter from Anne; she remembered that one clearly. “I mean, we were banned from Marriott hotels worldwide after that one. Or at least we were banned for a while.”

It was the hottest day I could remember. The air conditioner on the bus had somehow run out of the magical fluid that cools the air as it moves over the coils and the bus was hot. It didn’t help that we were heading towards Phoenix either. I was four and a half months pregnant and highly uncomfortable. The unplanned lump growing inside me did a few things; it made me feel like an emotional roller coaster, made every smell into my enemy and turned me into my own personal furnace. Each time I talked to my father or Diana or anyone whoever had a baby, they told me that being a little warm was natural and that smells would make me feel less than stellar probably until the baby was born. And with no air conditioning, the bus was an inferno and so we opened various windows, which only served to bring in a symphony of smells.

Taylor walked back where I was lying on the couch fanning myself with a magazine. He had a slushy bottle of cherry Gatorade in one hand and a wet washcloth in the other. “You look kind of green.”

“Fuck you,” I said feeling close to vomiting. The smell of exhaust pouring in through the open windows was killing me.

“Very nice,” Isaac said laughing at me.

“Oh, fuck you too.” I said sticking my tongue out at him.

“Very mature,” Isaac said after taking a huge swig out of his bottle of water.

“I feel so icky.” I moaned letting Taylor swab my face and neck with the cool cloth.

“Maybe we should have just stayed in Las Vegas until the air was fixed.” Taylor said soothingly. He had developed this new, mature voice; it had made its first appearance within moments of the E.P.T. test showing the fateful pink line. Zac like to call it the “dad” voice.

“Who knew that even in the dark it would be seven thousand degrees outside?” I asked feeling another wave of nausea washing over me.

“Okay, Dave just said that we are only ten minutes away from our hotel.” Emory said walking into the back lounge. “And the hotel we’re staying in has a nice, big pool.”

“Ooh,” I said holding the bottle against my neck. “I want nothing more than to go slip into a cool, clear pool.”

“I say we get checked in really fast and then go swimming.” Emory said holding her arms out to her side. The air traveling across the bus made her shirt balloon out around her.

“I feel like hell,” I said as a particularly strong waft of exhaust drifted into the bus.

“But, you look gorgeous.” Emory said swaying back and forth with the movement of the bus. “You have that preternatural glow! You make me want to toss my birth control pills into the trash.”

“Don’t you dare!” Isaac said his eyes getting huge. “I mean, let’s get off tour at least before we start our family.”

“Yeah, pregnant on the bus is not fun.” I said sighing again.

“Yo, we’re here!” Zac called from the front of the bus. He and Anne still tried to pretend that they didn’t like each other much, but we all knew the truth. I hauled myself off the bench and lurched forward, snagging my bag out of my bunk. "Jesus Cleo, you look like crap!"

"Zac, be nice!" Anne scolded then she looked at me. Her eyes got really big at the sight of me. "Are you feeling okay?"

"Actually, I'm not." I said taking yet another big swig of Cherry Rush. "I can't wait for sweet, sweet air conditioning!" I followed the group out of the hotel and into the lobby. One nice thing about arriving at 2:00 am, there were no crowds. I followed Anne and Emory and plopped down on the sofas just inside the door. I had to laugh as all three of us sighed. "I hope that they will let us use the pool."

"Me too," Anne said lifting her hair up and off her neck. I watched as goose bumps rose over her neck and arms. "I never thought I'd be happy to be cold."

"Me either." I said flopping all the way down, noticing the lovely wet spot I'd left behind on the leather couch.

"Man, he looks so good." Emory said a dreamy look on her face.

"Who does?" I said popping back up and looking over to where the guys stood with Ashley checking into the hotel. All of them looked very bedraggled and sticky. ”I think they look like they stink… Oh yeah, because they do!”

“No, Ike smells like heaven,” Emory said her voice a sigh. “He smells like very manly and basic and oh-so-sexy!”

“Maybe we ought to not talk about smells,” Anne said quietly. “Cleo looks like she is about to spew.”

“God, even talking about a smell makes my stomach turn.” I said leaning forward over my legs as the nausea climbed up my legs in waves. “I know if I just give in and throw up, I’ll feel better, but… I just can’t.”

“Poor Cleo,” Emory said gently rubbing my back. “Ike and I have talked about our family. We want at least four kids. Possibly five.”

“Oh no.” I said suddenly feeling my stomach roll hard. “No, no, no...”

“What?” Emory asked.

“This is an only child unless the rest of this pregnancy gets easier.” I said moaning.

“Well, regardless,” Emory said turning towards where the guys stood. “I love me some Ike. He is so, so good in bed.” At this both Anne and I groaned. “No, really. It’s like he’s so there and so present… And whether or not I enjoy it is the most important thing in his day. The other day, I think I must have had ten orgasms before it was all said and done.”

“Seriously, too much information.” I said trying to wipe the image of a naked Isaac out of my head.

“Maybe, but I just think it just bugs you cause every time Taylor touches you, you have to vomit.” Emory said rolling her eyes.

“No, it bugs me cause now I have this image of a very naked Ike in my head.” I said watching Taylor and Isaac talk to the guy behind the counter. Zac was nowhere to be seen, but I could hear his booming laugh coming from out the front doors. I turned and saw that the fans had arrived, but they were outside making Zac laugh. Zac was so happy to be on the road. He was just plain happy. His laugh was something that could be heard all day long, every day. When I asked him why he was so happy, he just smiled at me and said “cause I’m alive, nothing can be wrong.” Almost dying less than a year earlier had changed a lot about him. I watched Zac come bounding back into the hotel, his shaggy hair flopping, his dark eyes dancing. He was a giant puppy dog. He saw the three of us languishing on the couches.

“Cleo!!” He crowed as he leapt on me. “What’s happening hot stuff?”

“Seriously Zac, stop!” I said pushing him off me.

“Man you’ve been no fun since I pointed out the whole pregnancy thing!” Zac said grabbing me up in his arms. “I think that your constant crying about being nauseated is all for sympathy!”

“No, it’s not.” I said trying to get him to set me down. “Tay! Help!”

“What?” Taylor said turning around. Zac had me hanging over his shoulder in a fireman’s hold. Taylor rolled his eyes when he saw us. He sighed just like I knew he would. Sometimes Zac and my antics were more than any of them could take. When he finally spoke his voice sounded bored and distracted. “Oh… Zac put her down.”

“Is that it?” I demanded wiggling like crazy. “That is all the defense you’re offering me?”

“Pretty much,” Taylor said walking over to Zac. “Here’s your key. Our rooms are on the first floor.”

“Right off the pool,” Isaac said as he slung his arm around Emory. “Unfortunately, the pool is closed.”

“I think we can remedy that.” Zac said bouncing me to reposition me.

“You know, Cleo is going to puke on you.” Taylor said following grabbing the cart loaded down with our bags.

“You wouldn’t do that would you?” Zac asked me.

“I don’t know she’s awfully green.” Anne said.

Zac plopped me down on the floor right in front of him. “She’s fine. Anyway, I think that the whole morning sickness thing is totally psychological. She wasn’t sick until she found out she was pregnant.”

“I beg to differ,” Taylor said following behind us. “Have you forgotten the Chinese food incident?”

“Please, stop.” I moaned. Just the idea of anything from the continent of Asia made me feel woozy.

“Or the prime rib?” Emory asked.

“And I think that diner in San Francisco won’t forget us anytime soon,” Anne said.

“Really you guys, please stop.” I said feeling the bile rising in my throat. Suddenly, I knew that I was going to vomit whether I wanted to or not. “Can we just hurry to our room?”

“Not to mention…” Isaac started.

“Okay, okay, I get it!” Zac said slinging his arm around me. The sharp movement was not what I needed. “Still, you’d never puke on me, would you?”

My stomach heaved mightily as I opened my mouth to answer. My words lost in the fountain of bright red vomit. I watched helplessly as the red splattered all over the white carpet, the white walls, the white leather sofas, running in the grout of the marble floor, all of it splashing off of Zac. As the last of the gallon of Gatorade fell onto Zac’s shoes, I realized how silent everyone was. I looked around at the stricken faces of everyone in the lobby. “Sorry.”

“Oh my God.” Zac said holding out his arms literally dripping with a viscous red liquid.

“Holy shit!” I heard a voice proclaim over behind the counter. “What in the hell?”

“Sorry,” I said again. I could feel my chin quivering as the tears threatened.

“Oh man, I have to clean that.” The voice said a real note of irritation in his voice. His fast footsteps rang out against the marble tiles. Soon, he reappeared dragging a mop and a bucket behind him. “People need to learn their limits… Don’t drink if you can’t handle it!”

“Hey, listen asshole,” Emory started. “She isn’t drunk, she’s pregnant.”

“Whatever,” Drew, as his nametag proclaimed, said rolling his eyes.

“Dude, I was fully going to offer to help, but with that attitude.” Taylor said reaching out and grabbing my hand. “Come on baby, let’s go get you cleaned up.”

“I think I may blow.” Zac said his face twisting into a grimace.

“Hurry,” Anne said grabbing Zac’s less coated arm and pulling him down the hall towards his room. “Don’t spew in the hall!”

Isaac, Emory, Taylor and I followed behind them at a much less accelerated pace. We got into our room where I changed my clothes and brushed my teeth. Taylor had opened the sliding glass door and a fragrant breeze blew in. He was sitting outside on the slab of cement that the hotel website very pithily called a “veranda.” The patterns from the water reflected across his face, turning it into abstract art, all the angles and planes I knew so well moving and shifting in the light into something else. But even this didn’t mar his beauty at all. I looked beyond him at the oh-so-inviting pool, wishing more than anything that I could go swimming as I put my hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. “Better?” Taylor asked.

“Actually, I feel one hundred percent better.” I said as he wrapped his arms around my waist. He lifted up my shirt and placed a feather light kiss on my belly. “That tickles!”

“Hey baby, you need to stop making your mommy sick.” Taylor said sighing. I felt the lump inside me rotate slightly. “Hey, I think he moved!”

“How do you know it’s a he?” I asked raising my eyebrow at him.

“Because all Hanson men have sons first. It will be a boy and we will name it Jordan… Jordan… Well, Jordan Something and call it Something.” Taylor said talking with his lips against my belly. I imagine the vibrations to feel something akin to talking against a balloon, all fuzzy and ticklish. Whatever it felt like, it made the growing lump do the mambo inside of me. “Ooh, he moved again!”

“Who moved?” Zac asked as he walked out of his room. He was all clean and shirtless. The scars on his stomach hadn’t faded very much. They stood out red and raised, reminders that he almost died just ten months ago. As always, anywhere Zac went Anne was very close behind.

“Something moved.” I said unwittingly giving my unborn child a nickname that would most likely last a lifetime.

“What?” Zac asked walking through the bushes that separated his veranda from ours. I watched as Zac grabbed Anne’s hand to help her step over the bushes. They were far too comfortable with each other for something not to be going on, despite their many and voracious protestations.

“The baby! He moved!” Taylor said putting my hands on either side of my belly and shaking gently. “Come feel this!”

“Feel what?” Isaac asked as he and Emory came outside. He had his arms around her cradling her from behind. I honestly had never seen two people who touched more than they did. They were always holding hands, touching knees, resting a head on an available shoulder, putting their feet in each other’s laps. They were what I always imagine couples in love should be. There was a comfort in their love; I found myself both happy for them and wildly jealous. Maybe all of those years of Taylor and I denying we loved each other had had a negative effect on the amount of physical contact we had in front of other people. I don’t know what it was, but Emory and Isaac were definitely much more physically comfortable than we were.

“Something.” Anne said eliciting a suspiciously girly giggle out of Zac.

“The baby moved.” Taylor said as Zac and Anne placed their hands on my belly. “Come feel this!”

“Hey, my belly’s big, but really I’m not sure ten hands will fit on it.” I said as Isaac and Emory wandered over towards us.

“That’s okay. Anyway, I’ve felt lots of babies move inside their mother, our mother in fact.” Isaac said trying to sound jaded.

“Well, I’ve never felt anything like it,” Emory said ruffling Isaac’s hair and placing a kiss on his nose.

“You will one day,” Isaac said kissing her nose back.

Soon, I was standing surrounded with hands on my belly, but the baby wasn’t moving at all. In its stubbornness, it was completely still. I could feel everyone holding still, holding his or her breath, holding my belly. It occurred to me that this was a strange scene I was in the middle of, but then again, it felt completely right and normal. These were the people I loved most in the world. People who would surround this baby and shower him or her with love. Still, I was pretty sure that anyone stumbling on this scene would have totally wondered what was going on. But then again, I think that would happen a lot of the time.

“Well?” Zac said after a couple of minutes of waiting.

“Try singing.” I said quietly running my hands through Taylor’s hair.

Taylor leaned his forehead against my belly and cleared his throat softly. “Loving you/ Like I never have before. / And needing you. / Just to open up that door./ And begging you./ Might somehow turn the tides./ And tell me to/ I've gotta get his off my mind.” As he finished singing, there was the movement, the faint feeling of something inside of me turning lazy somersaults.

“Oh my God,” Emory said her eyes growing wide, tears swimming along her lashes.

Isaac rested his chin on her shoulder and sighed. “I know it’s a miracle.” He kissed her gently on her cheek.

“What does that feel like?” Anne asked her voice incredulous.

“I don’t know, like butterflies in my tummy.” I said shrugging.

“This is awesome.” Zac said a smirk on his face. He shrugged his hair out of his face, causing all the muscles in his chest and stomach to ripple. “But can I just say that was the cheesiest moment I’ve ever lived through!”

“No, it was sweet!” Emory protested.

“Yeah, like sticky sweet.” Zac said rolling his eyes. “I think I just got a cavity.”

“You know what smart ass?” Taylor said standing up. “You are gonna pay for that!”

Taylor hit Zac directly in his middle with his shoulder, lifting him up and off the ground. Before Zac could really react, Taylor had taken off towards the swimming pool. The splash as Zac hit the pool was impressive.

He almost instantly popped back up, flipping his head around and spraying Taylor. “You are dead.”

“Whatever,” Taylor said retreating back towards where we all stood.

“Tay, watch out!” Anne yelled as Zac grabbed him around the waist from the back. Now, Zac is pure muscle and beefier than Taylor, but my boy had a lot of fight and scrap in him. He somehow broke free and was off. Taylor’s long legs definitely gave him a speed advantage over Zac. They began to circle the pool. Soon, Taylor had the pool between them. They both stopped running, leaning forward panting. “How can two guys that perform like maniacs onstage for two hours at a time be out of breath already?”

“Because, they are both lazy slugs offstage.” Isaac said watching them stand staring at each other across the pool, a stalemate.

“Dude, you were still wet from your shower, give it a rest.” Taylor said holding his hands out towards Zac.

“Yeah, but I was clean.” Zac said kicking off his very wet Chuck Taylor’s. “Now I have to shower again.”

“Aw, damn…” Taylor said mocking his tone. “The horror of having to shower twice in one day!”

“Whatever, at least I shower everyday.” Zac said shrugging.

“Look at it this way,” Taylor said holding his hands out in front of him, “if you have to take another shower, you and Anne can do whatever it is the two of you do when you’re alone, again.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Zac said picking up one of the deck chairs and launching it across the pool at Taylor.

Taylor ducked as the chair flew past him, landing squarely in the center of a tempered glass table, showering the small shards of glass down onto the pool deck. The sound was similar to the sound of a car impacting another, not a big shatter and tinkle, but just a thick impact followed by what sounded like pebbles. Anne, Emory and I all jumped, even though we knew the shatter was inevitable. “Jesus Taylor!” Isaac yelled.

“Good job dickhead!” Taylor said looking over at where we were standing but ignoring Isaac’s comment otherwise.

“Bite me.” Zac called back his voice getting louder.

“Zac, what is your problem?” Anne yelled, her voice definitely the loudest of them.

“I have no problem,” Zac mumbled. “Taylor has the problem.”

“Oh man, this is getting too serious.” I said realizing something needed to happen. I kicked off my shoes and pulled my t-shirt off over my head. Isaac’s eyes grew huge at the site of me standing there in my bra.

“What are you doing?” Anne asked as I shimmied out of my shorts.

“I’m going to change the tone of this moment!” I said running towards the pool. The heft of the lump in front of me made the act of running harder than I ever thought it could. I jogged on a treadmill almost daily, who knew that moving forward would feel so different. “CANNONBALL!”

The pool was still slopping up over the edge as I surfaced. I barely had time to get out of the way before three more bodies joined me. Emory popped up closest to me, throwing her head back and laughing. As she bobbed in the water, I noticed that she was naked from the waist up. Isaac swam up behind her and wrapped his arms around her, hiding her nakedness.

“Wow, this water feels good!” Anne said laying back. Her toes breaking the surface as she floated on her back.

“This is what I was dreaming of back on the bus.” I said planting my feet on the bottom of the pool and walking over to where Taylor stood. “You ought to join me, it feels great.”

“I’m not in the mood to swim.” Taylor said sitting down on the chair that Zac had launched at him. “I’m not feeling great. I just want to go to bed.”

“Ah, come on…” I said my hands floating on the surface of the cool water.

“Hey Anne!” Zac said from the side of the pool. “Your bra is see through!”

“What?” Anne said lifting her head.

“Your bra, it’s sheer.” Zac said pointedly looking at Anne’s peaking nipples.

“Oh crap,” Anne said sinking down into the water.

Zac dropped his shorts by the side of the pool before diving in with us. He swam over to Anne and came up right in front of her. “Well hello.”

“Hi.” Anne said blushing. The crimson seemed to start at the top of her head and run down from there, coloring her cheeks, neck, shoulders and back.

“Come here often?” He asked sweeping her hair over her shoulder.

“No, it’s my first time, believe it or not.” Anne said her hand reaching out and coming to rest on Zac’s waist.

“Nope, nothing going on here.” Taylor said smirking at the side of the pool.

“Hey, why are you still dry?” Zac asked.

“Cause, I know what kind of trouble we could get in for being a closed swimming pool.” Taylor said stretching his legs out in front of him.

“Whatever.” I said rolling my eyes. “If you were so worried about it you wouldn’t have thrown Zac in now would you?” Taylor shrugged as I pulled myself out of the pool. I tiptoed over to him, trying to avoid the broken glass, water dripping off my in rivulets. He put his hands on my hips, stopping me before I could sit on him.

"True, but I’m not in the mood to get wet.” Taylor said shrugging. He looked so cute and tired.

“Aw… come on, we’re all in the pool.” I said settling onto the arm of the chair he was sitting in. I put my legs over his lap balanced on both arms.

“Cleo, you’re dripping on me.” Taylor said trying to wiggle out from under me.

“Come on, swim with me.” I begged nuzzling up against his neck.

“Actually, I’m not feeling great.” Taylor said gently lifting me off of his lap. He stood up and stretched. “So, you felons just stay out here in the pool, call me when you need bail.”

“What?” Zac said swimming over to the edge of the pool. “You’re not coming in?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Taylor said shrugging. “I’m really tired…”

“So was I.” Zac said pulling himself up out of the pool.

“Zac, what are you doing?” Taylor said backing up.

“Nothing, why do you even ask?” Zac said shaking his head violently. He really was such a puppy in so many ways.

“Zac, seriously!” Taylor said taking off running just as Zac made his move to grab him. “I don’t want to get in the pool!”

I stood hands on hips watching as Zac chased Taylor all around the pool. Taylor was leaping over shrubs and sprinting across the pebbles spread over the flowerbed and even barefoot, Zac was keeping up. Each time Taylor tried to cut back across towards our hotel room, Zac somehow got between Taylor and the room. I could tell that Taylor was getting frustrated. And I could also tell that Zac was not about to give up. Soon, Taylor came hurtling towards me and grabbed me.

“Tay, don’t hide behind the pregnant woman,” Zac panted as he came skidding to a stop in front of me. “Because I’m not above throwing both of you in the pool.”

“Oh, I know.” Taylor said before pushing me towards Zac, effectively blocking him before he took off again. Even though it was just a gentle change of direction and not really a push, it shocked me. Zac caught me as I stumbled forward slightly.

“Nice, really nice. Shove your pregnant wife!” Zac said as he took off after him. He managed to get between Taylor and our hotel room again.

“Hey, it’s kill or be killed in this.” Taylor shouted at Zac.

“What does that mean?” I asked getting a little irritated at his comment.

“Oh please, you would have shoved me in if you had a chance!” He said as he ran past me.

“Bastard!” I yelled running after him.

“That’s it! Get him Cleo!” Emory yelled from the pool.

Now, my legs will never be as long as Taylor’s, but I had one advantage: speed. All my years of soccer and daily jogging had toned my legs to rock hard and super strong. “You are so going down!”

“Oh shit!” Taylor said as I closed the gap between us. As I closed the distance between us, I momentarily contemplated a flying tackle, but I was pretty sure that wasn’t the best idea with a baby growing inside of me. “Cleo, don’t hurt the baby!” He called over his shoulder as he took off across the lawn. Suddenly, there was a hissing, spitting sound and the sprinklers began their nightly watering. “Oh shit!”

“Get him!” Zac yelled as Taylor back peddled. Taylor detoured around the outside of the pool and suddenly realized the mistake he’d made. Now, he was trapped. Anne had joined me on one side of the pool and Isaac had joined Zac at the other side. As Taylor backed into the corner, I could see that he was considering just launching himself into the pool. His heels connected with a very large potted palm sitting about four feet away from the swimming pool. “Come on Tay, just get in the pool.”

“No way!” Taylor said a mischievous look on his face. He sat down in the potted plant and wrapped his arms around the sizable palm tree. “I am so not going in the pool.”

“Tay, don’t you get it?” Zac asked as he stood looking over the newest wrinkle in this whole situation. “You’re going in no matter what!”

“Why?” Taylor asked.

“You started all this, so don’t even ask why!” Isaac said laughing. “Really, it’s a matter of principle now.”

Zac tried to wrap his arms around Taylor’s chest to pull him away from the palm tree. But Taylor had the advantage of his freakishly long arms being able to wrap around the tree twice. After a few minutes of Zac trying to yank Taylor away from the palm, Zac stood hands on hips. “Fuck, you’re stronger than you look!”

“Zac, give it up!” Taylor insisted.

“Come help me!” Zac said as he started pushing the pot.

“You are not going to push the plant into the pool.” Taylor said swinging his leg up and around the palm tree.

“I never knew you were a tree hugger.” Isaac said as he stepped up next to Zac.

“But really, the hugging doesn’t have to be literal,” Emory said as she pulled herself up onto her elbows on the side of the pool.

“So funny.” Taylor said rolling his eyes.

“Thanks, I try.” Emory said batting her eyes at him. Emory was so fun and flirty. She always had a great comeback that was just this side of being totally naughty and sometimes just moving straight over into pure innuendo. Emory’s laughter was a given. She laughed all the time, high and lilting at Zac’s jokes, joyful and tinkling at all of the craziness around her, deep and throaty when Isaac whispered into her ear. If there were ever tears, they were from laughter. “Tay, wouldn’t it be so much easier if you just got in the pool?”

“Why? There is no way Ike and Zac can get this to even move a millimeter.” Taylor said as Zac and Isaac pushed with all that they had. The pot rocked forward about two inches. “Oh shit…”

“Cleo, Anne help!” Zac and Taylor said at exactly the same moment.

“Anne, this is quite a conundrum,” I said looking at the three Hanson brothers and their sudden love affair with a potted plant “Do I help the man I love? Or do I doom him?”

“Don’t you dare!” Taylor said his voice sounding eerily like Walker. “If you help them I will be so mad.”

“Will you be disappointed in her?” Emory asked from where she kicked lazily in the pool.

“Yes!” Taylor said jumping as the pot gave another couple of inches.

“Hmm…” I said assessing him, my eyes mere slits. “Is that something I can risk?”

"That is a question only you can answer.” Anne said nodding her head sagely.

“Ugh,” Zac groaned as he strained to move the plant forward. “Cleo, a little help?”

“Cleo, don’t!” Taylor said finally releasing the tree with one arm and holding it up. “Think about the baby! You could hurt him.”

“Ah, what the hell?” I said leaning down and pushing against the pot with all my might.

“Cleo!” Taylor scolded. “I am so not talking to you!”

“I know baby,” I grunted as I pushed. “But really how long will this last?”

“If I go in the pool, I want a divorce.” Taylor said sniffing angrily.

“Okay,” I said pushing with all my might. “Anne?”

“I’m on it.” She said leaning down next to me.

“On the count of three.” Zac said taking a big breath. “One, two, three!”

And with a mighty push, the pot suddenly slid forward very quickly, balancing precariously on the edge of the pool for a moment before tumbling forward and into the pool with a mighty clunk as it hit the top step, before tumbling forward. Taylor popped up out of the water almost instantly flipping his long hair around. “YOU ASSHOLES!”

Soon Taylor was out of the quickly muddying water and after me. As I ran around the pool laughing wildly, I noticed that several lights had come on in the rooms around the pool. “Tay, I think we’re waking people!”

Taylor grabbed me from behind and pulled me into a tight hug. “Let them wake up.” He said as he picked me up in his arms and stepped off the edge of the pool. Soon, all of us were in the dirty pool splashing each other, dunking each other, squealing madly. As we swam around splashing each other, I noticed the pool was getting dirtier and dirtier. Taylor stood up and stopped short. “Hey, who pulled the plug?”

"Man, what a time it was!" I said the memory washing over me like the muddy water.

“Well, the manager had no sense of humor whatsoever.” Emory said wiping at her eyes.

“Em, we put a six foot long crack in the pool!” Anne said laughing.

“Correction,” Emory said a smile stealing over her face. “You put a six foot crack in the pool steps. I was stuck in the pool topless.”

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