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Untouchable Face
Lie to me and tell me everything is all right Lie to me and tell me that you’ll stay here tonight Tell me that you’ll never leave, And I’ll just try to make believe That everything you tell me is true Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me Lie to me, it doesn’t matter anymore It could never be what it was before If I can’t hold on to you Leave me with somethin’ I can hold onto, For just a little while won’t you let me be Anyone can see That you love him more than me But right now, baby, let me pretend That our love will never end Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me |
Later that evening, I found myself standing in the kitchen helping Diana. For a small, no-frills party, Diana was doing her usual too-much-of-everything spread. Instead of Isaac’s favorite of baked lasagna for everyone, she had munchies and finger foods on each available surface. I was mixing up a batch of vegetable dip as Diana put the finishing touches on the cake. Isaac’s traditional double fudge cake with cream cheese frosting had turned into four of them. I handed Anne the finished dip to put out on the table in the family room. To me, it felt strange to just have the immediate family here knowing there was a whole army of Hanson’s in Tulsa. But Isaac had asked for it to be family only, wanting his final evening to relatively quiet and as uneventful as any Hanson family gathering can be.
“Cleo, honey,” Diana asked as she shooed Avery and Jessica away. “Could you run down to the freezer in the garage and get the ice cream?”
“Of course!” I said trying to infuse my voice with sunshine. It hadn’t escaped anyone’s attention that Emory hadn’t made an appearance yet. Isaac walking through the door solo had raised eyebrows. His mumbled excuse sounded like a valid one, but an excuse nonetheless. They were leaving for seven weeks in Ireland the next morning, but I knew that Emory was packed. She had told me when I’d talked to her a few hours earlier. Pretty much, she’d just unloaded the bags of clothing she’d bought that morning into suitcases, not even bothering to take off the tags. I pushed the door to the garage open and went down the stairs. The door into the studio was open. I tiptoed over and stuck my head in. Soft music wafted up the stairs. I eased myself into the room; Emory was on the couch at the bottom of the stairs, her feet curled up under her, something clutched to her chest. Isaac’s voice was pouring out of the speakers literally filling the room with his silky voice. I recognized the song as the one he had written for their first anniversary. It was sweet and smooth and talked about love, the kind of love that was so all encompassing that it literally took over his life. She shifted and I saw that she was clutching Isaac’s new leather jacket, an open box lay on the couch in front of her with a piece of colorful wrapping paper. I decided to sneak out of the room, leave her to her thoughts.
“Cleo?” Emory called as I was closing the door behind me.
“Hey Em,” I said slinking back down and sitting on a step. “I didn’t mean to intrude, I just wondered who was down here.”
“Ah, well, I couldn’t find any tape at my house and I knew there was some here,” she said quietly. “So, I told Ike that I needed to do some last minute packing.”
“Ah yes, the little white lie.” I said resting my elbows on my knees. “So, the leather jacket for his birthday?”
“Yeah,” she said sighing. “But as I was sitting here listening to this song, I realized that maybe I want him to give up things he’s not prepared to live without.”
“Em, I think he’ll get used to the idea of a new leather jacket.” I said knowing how much he loved his old, distressed, vintage leather jacket.
“Eventually.” She whispered, gently folding the new jacket into a neat package that fit perfectly into the white cardboard box. She sighed. “Cleo, I think I’m driving him away.”
I wanted to tell her that she wasn’t. I wanted to reassure her that everything was fine, but I just couldn’t lie. “I know he adores you.”
“I know it too.” Emory said fitting the lid onto the box. “Ireland will be good for us.”
“Yes, I believe it will.” I said smiling at her.
“Cleo?” I heard Diana call from upstairs.
“Coming!” I called back jumping up. “Sorry, I have to get the ice cream.”
“That is very important.” Emory laughed wrapping the brightly colored paper around the box. “After all, there are Hanson’s here and they need their ice cream.”
“Yes, they sure do.” I mumbled as I trudged up the stairs and headed over to the freezer. I pulled the door open and had to laugh. There were six half gallons of ice cream, each a different flavor. I gathered up the ice cream and headed back upstairs.
The traditional Hanson family poker game was spread out across the kitchen table. All their years on the road had honed their card skills to a fine point. In fact, Zac was so good he was pretty much an expert at counting cards. They were sharks. In fact, there were many a night when I feared that what should have been a friendly game would come to blows. The guys took cards -- poker, specifically -- very, very seriously. And yet, judging by the chips, the guppies were killing them.
Zoë and Mac had almost all of the chips piled in front of them. Isaac, Taylor and Zac were basically tapped out. As I set the ice cream on the counter, I watched Annabelle circle the table, stopping first to kiss her uncle Zac, then her father, then her uncle Isaac. Then she returned to stand between Zoë and Mac to report in her own language what she had seen.
“Full house!” Zac crowed triumphantly as he threw his cards down on the table. He greedily reached forward towards the impressive pile of chips.
“Not so fast bro,” Zoë said. Her words stopped Zac short. His last chips were in that pile; he really needed a win. He kept raising and seeing each bet, sure that his full house was a winner. Zoë slowly set down one, two, three, then four 2’s. “I believe my four-of-a-kind slaughters your full house.”
“You are so cheating!” Zac protested to snickers all around the table.
“Zac, she’s not cheating.” Anne said shaking her head.
“She has to be, somehow…” Zac said grumpily.
“Hm…” Anne intoned. “I seem to remember you accused me of cheating the first time I came out here.”
“I know!” Zac said emphatically. “I still think you were cheating. I’ll figure out how you kept winning.”
“Seriously, give it up.” Isaac said standing and stretching. “Anne doesn’t cheat at cards, you just suck.”
“I do not!” Zac protested.
"Face it Zac, you suck at cards.” Taylor said leaning back on his chair, finishing off the last of his beer.
“I seem to be able to always beat you.” Zac snapped.
“Ah yes, but I suck too.” Taylor said rubbing Annabelle’s hair. To be honest, he was very good at cards. He just didn’t care all that much. And if it annoyed Zac, he’d claim to be the worst card player in the world, because Zac knew with a certainty that beyond the luck aspect, there was skill involved. Taylor had “mad card skills” or so he’d been told in Las Vegas by a female dealer who was very smitten with him. “I’ve never claimed to be all that great.”
“Whatever,” Zac said scowling mightily. I contemplated telling them that Annabelle had been helping Zoë and Mac with their surprising victories. But really, it was much more fun watching them lose in an impressive way. Zac stood and reached down for Anne’s hand. “You know that I’m the best poker player in the family.”
“Sure,” Jessica said as Zac and Anne retreated to the couch. “You guys all suck.”
"Hey, be nice!" I said only partially teasing. I was just sure that pretty soon Annabelle would be walking around the house saying "suck" over and over. "Jess, just cause you can kick any of your brother's butts... Well, you shouldn't gloat!"
"Pfft! None of my siblings can beat me..." Zac started.
"Okay, whatever." Avery said rolling her eyes.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Zac asked his eyes narrowing.
"Let's all just ponder who can throw whom and who inevitably ends up in the pool." Avery said putting her hands together. "Zac, my son, I give you honor. You were a worthy opponent."
"I could so still kick your butt." Zac protested. "You suck..."
“Well, I don’t care who does or doesn’t suck or who could kick whose butt,” Diana said bringing the cake out to the table. “In fact, I think this is a conversation for another time. Now, it’s time to sing happy birthday!”
A general cheer went up among the youngest members of the family. And some of the older ones. Taylor looked positively giddy. At the promise of birthday cake, Annabelle’s face lit up like a Christmas tree.
“Can we wait until Emory gets here?” Isaac asked softly.
“I’m here!” Emory said coming through the door from the garage. “Sorry, it took me so long, I had to wrap this and do some last minute stuff in the house.”
“Well great!” Diana said as Walker came up behind her, video camera in hand. “Everything is ready for lighting the candles.”
Soon, Isaac was the center of a flurry of attention. As we ate cake, Isaac unwrapped gifts. He got lots of silly trinkets and gadgets, none of them needed, but all of them cool and uniquely Ike-like. His last gift was the gorgeous calfskin jacket from Emory.
Soon, the family disbursed to their various activities and Diana began cleaning the kitchen. I had offered to help, but she had refused my offer. She had scooted me out of the kitchen, saying I was more of hindrance than help. So, I had given in. I was comfortably settled in the chair next to Taylor and Annabelle, watching Isaac as he rifled through his booty. Emory came up behind Isaac, she began running her fingernails over his scalp. His newly shaved head bristling under her ministrations. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back, soft sounds of pleasure escaping him.
"Ike, seriously, shut up." Taylor said absently as he tried to get double fudge cake out of Annabelle's hair.
"Daddy, don't say "shut up." Annabelle said.
"Yeah, Daddy, don't say it." I agreed.
"Sorry," Taylor said sheepishly realizing his blunder especially around the little one. We had been trying to break the baby of two bad habits, sucking her thumb and saying shut up.
"Ah baby," Isaac said as he pulled the leather jacket out of the box. He smoothed his fingers over the super soft leather before slipping it on. "It's so soft and gorgeous. I love it!"
"Do you really?" Emory asked, dipping her head, a hopeful grin playing across her lips.
"Of course." Isaac answered smiling widely. "Besides, my old one was getting a little ripe."
"I'm glad you like it, I was a little worried." Emory said leaning forward and kissing Isaac.
"Come here!" Isaac said pulling her into his lap. Emory giggled as he cupped her breast. I hadn't seen them this happy and playful in a long time, months probably.
“Ike stop!” Emory said as his hand found it’s way into her shirt. “Don’t do this now!”
"What?" Isaac said holding up his hands.
"Well, for one thing," Zac started. "I'm much too young to be exposed to such shenanigans..."
"Geez, can't a guy adore his wife?" Isaac asked smiling. Emory had settled comfortably in Isaac's lap, snuggled against his chest, her head resting in the crook of his neck.
"Not if it means I have to see this...” Zac said gesturing towards them. "And especially not if I have to see her naked. Although, I assume Emory has a better body than Cleo..."
"Shut up Zac!" Came five voices in unison.
"Mommy! Don't say that!" Annabelle chastised.
"Sorry baby." I said trying not to laugh at her look of righteous indignation. "Sometimes even mommy forgets to be good."
"Well, stop that." Annabelle said. "I don't want to have to tell you again."
Honestly, hearing Taylor's favorite admonition come out of her mouth was almost more than I could take, but was apparently much more than what anyone else could take. Her face got angrier and angrier, her lip jutting out so far it was in danger of taking over her face. "Okay Belle." I said trying to be serious, but my apology just inspired more snickers around the table. I threw Taylor a warning look. Despite my silent warning, Taylor tipped his head back and laughed. Soon, his brothers, Emory and Anne, joined him. I tried to hush them to no avail.
"I'm going to tell Grandma!" Annabelle huffed.
"Oh great, now you've done it." I said rolling my eyes.
"I'm going to miss her." Emory said wiping tears of laughter from her cheek. "I'm so excited to go home, but man... I'm going to miss the little miss..."
"You know, I seriously can't wait for this trip." Isaac said pulling on one of Emory's curls.
"Ireland sounds so romantic." Anne said her eyes shining. She stealthily reached down and grabbed Zac's hand. "All green and romantic and everyone sounds like Emory..."
"Not so green, right now." Emory said. "But the winter brings on other beauties..."
"Yeah?" I asked when Emory hesitated.
"Well, not to disturb Zac and his delicate sensibilities." Emory said smiling maliciously towards Zac. "But the winter means early evenings down the pub, thick fair isles sweaters, roaring fires in enormous fireplaces, long evenings snogging under down comforters..."
"Sounds heavenly..." Anne sighed reaching and pushing back Zac's crazy hair.
"I'm down with snogging pretty much anywhere." Zac said taking Anne’s hand in his and kissing her palm. Taylor opened his mouth to say something, but Zac's reaction was quick and decisive. "Seriously dude, not one word... I just ate."
"Well, say what you will about Cleo and Tay," Isaac said. "All I know is that we should all be so lucky to have what they have."
"True that." Emory agreed.
"Come on." Taylor said blushing. "Our lives aren't that perfect..."
"Very true." Isaac agreed. He squinted and looked into the distance as if he were contemplating something very deep and meaningful. "I mean you are married to Cleo after all..."
"Hey now!" I protested. "No need for that."
"Yeah, be nice to Cleo." Anne said. "She can't help she's neurotic as hell... I mean, who wouldn't be after all the years of dealing with the three of you?"
"Thanks for that." I said sarcastically. "I think."
"I will miss this too." Emory said her fact thoughtful. "As hard and weird as it was getting used to the madness of this family, I love it so, so much now."
"There is something to be said about the madness." I agreed.
"But, I can't wait to see how and where you grew up." Isaac said. "I can't wait to see your naked baby pictures, to unwrap your lost baby teeth, smell your mother's Irish stew... I can't imagine loving you more than I do right now, but I want to try."
"Oh Ike." Emory said tears standing in her eyes. I wanted what I saw to be real, to be the truth. I wanted them to be truly happy. But Isaac's words from the restaurant, Emory's melancholy in the basement kept creeping into my thoughts. I mean both of them had expressed the opinion that Ireland would be the sight of a new start, but was it really? Seriously, the way they were looking at one another was pure love. But was this all an act for the family? I said a silent prayer that this wasn't just for our benefit. When Isaac whispered into Emory's ear, she blushed. The flush creeping up her neck was impressive. Her smile was coy and filled with promises of sex. I had to bite my lip to stop the joyful laughter from bubbling out. Taylor's hand sneaked into my lap. His fingers tangled through mine. His eyes told the same tale of joy and relief. It seemed as though Isaac and Emory would be fine. There was love there. Just somehow, they had lost their way for a few, but now, they were back on track. "I can't wait to show you everything."
"Hey." Diana said as she walked up to us. Annabelle was perched on her hip, a look of justification on her face. "Baby Bea just told me you all were using bad language."
"Mom..." Zac began. "It wasn't that bad."
"Hush," Diana admonished as she set my baby in Taylor's lap. The corners of her mouth were twitching with a suppressed smile. Once again, the princess had gotten her way and had won over a grandparent. Nothing surprising there. "I don't want to hear any excuses. Just know you're not too old to have your mouth washed out with soap."
"Yeah!" Annabelle punctuated, her eyes agleam.
"Anything else Angel?" Diana asked rubbing Annabelle's back.
"Can I have some juice?" Annabelle asked.
"Aw honey, I don't have any juice." Diana said looking at me. "All I have is punch, is that okay?"
I shrugged. It was better to let her have something even if it were filled with sugar right at bedtime, then to live with the consequences. As sweet as my baby was, she was still two. No one needed a tantrum tonight.
"So, what time is your flight tomorrow?" Taylor asked as Annabelle crawled from his lap over to Zac's.
"Oh man..." Isaac said rubbing his face. "We leave Tulsa at 6:15 am."
"Ouch!" Anne said laughing. "The last time I saw 6:15 in the morning was as I fell asleep. I seriously can't get up early anymore... I've been ruined."
As the discussion about how distasteful early mornings were swirled around me, I watched Mac approach the table with an enormous glass, filled to the brim with some fantastically red punch. All of my alarm bells and whistles started going off.
"Hey Mac...” I began, but mere seconds too late.
"Here baby Bea." Mac said as he set the glass down. "Mom said you wanted some punch."
"Thanks Uncle Mac!" Annabelle lisped.
I watched in horror as Annabelle's chubby fingers found their way around the glass; red liquid slopped out over the brim as it left the table. "Belle, honey, that's too full." I said leaping out of my chair. "Let me help you..."
"No Mommy." She said jerking the glass out of my reach. "I do it myself!"
"Okay beautiful," I said watching the red liquid slosh back and forth. "But it's awfully full. Can I just sip it down a little?"
"No!" She protested. "Mine!"
At that proclamation, she jerked the glass away from me, sending a fountain of bright red liquid up and out of the glass. It landed with a splash on the table and on her, but mostly on Zac. The wail that went up from her was impressive and immediate. And as with all minor emergencies or complete disasters, Diana was there attending to the wounded almost instantaneously.
Soon, I found myself on my hands and knees under the table with a Little Green Machine sucking up as much of the punch as possible. Taylor was upstairs bathing our semi-hysterical darling (who blamed me fully for the spill), Zac was in his room showering, Mac was with Walker having the dynamics of a 2-year-old explained to him, Isaac and Emory had excused themselves, lamenting their quick and early departure but mumbling some lame excuse about needing sleep and Diana was sequestered in her laundry room doing her dead-level-best to get the red out.
"Cleo?" A voice said from behind me, pulling me out of the carpet-cleaning zone.
"What?" I said as I jerked back knocking my head on the table. "Ouch! Damn!"
"Sorry," Diana said as I came out from under the table rubbing the knot on the back of my head.
"Don't worry about it." I said looking at the spot I'd been cleaning. Other than it being a little damp, it looked pristine. "I think I got all the red out."
"What?" Diana asked her eyes focused on somewhere far away.
"The punch." I said eyeing her suspiciously. She was compulsively clutching something in each hand. "I was able to get all the red out of the carpet."
"Oh, yeah, that. Carpets are replaceable...” Diana said her eyes finally finding a point of reference in the room. "Cleo, you and Zac are close, right?"
"Of course!" I said trying to figure out exactly what she had in her hands. "He's my little brother."
"Have you noticed a change in him?" She asked. Her eyes wandered over to where Anne sat on the couch watching television with Jessica and Avery. They all three giggled at something, Anne ran her fingers through her hair; her engagement ring reflected the brightness from the television, sending out rainbows of fractured light.
"What do you mean?" I asked looking back at Diana. It was then I could see that in her hands were a cell phone -- presumably Zac's and a gray, folded envelope. My heart dropped when I recognized the swirling writing on the front. It was the letter from Symphony.
"I don't know." Diana said looking down at the letter in her hand. "It just seems like he's been very different ever since around his birthday..."
"Well, he has been quieter," I mumbled.
"Yeah, he has." Diana agreed as Zac came bouncing down the stairs. He made a beeline for where Anne sat on the couch. He flopped down across the three girls, eliciting moans and sounds of irritation from all three of them. Jessica shoved him hard so he fell off the couch with a thud. Soon, he was sitting on the floor, leaning against the couch with Anne running her fingers through his wet hair. He pulled one of her legs over each shoulder, running his hands up and down her shins, pointing out all the spots she'd missed with a razor. He looked so happy and healthy. "I just hope..."
"What?" I asked as her silence stretched.
"I just hope he remembered what he'd been taught, remembered who he was." Diana said standing up and heading towards Zac. I closed my eyes silently warning him, unwilling to watch this scene unfold, willing Taylor and Annabelle to come down the stairs so we could leave, wishing for ruby slippers to click together three times. "Jessica, Avery, go upstairs."
"What?" Jessica asked.
"Why?" Avery's question followed close behind.
"Because, I told you to." Diana answered in her best mother voice. Both girls knew that Diana meant business; she had that tone. "And please, send your father down."
"Mom, what's up?" Zac asked a very concerned look on his face. "Is everything alright?"
"We'll see." Diana said as she settled into a chair across from Zac. Her movements were stiff and ungainly as if she were suffering from a horrible case of whiplash.
"Di? What's wrong?" Walker said as he rushed into the room. "Are you okay?"
"I am." She said softly and slowly. She opened her hand and exposed the letter. "Zac, do you want to tell your father what this letter says or should he just read it?"
"Give that to me." Zac said the color leaching from his face.
"I'll give it to you once you've told your father what it says." Diana said palming the letter again. Now you see it. Now you don't... Like some horrible magic act.
"Give my letter to me." Zac repeated. His tone and modulation matched his mothers. Diana and Zac sat in stalemate, each trying to out will the other.
"Of course," Diana said this time holding out his phone. "After you call her."
"Give me my letter!" Zac said lunging for the letter.
At his sudden movement, Walker intervened, pushing him away from his mother. "Easy son."
"I want that letter." Zac said. It was almost as if his very existence hinged on whether or not he got his hands on that letter from Symphony.
At that moment, Taylor started down the stairs but stopped short when he took in the scene playing out before him. "Belle, go find Aunt Zoë." Wordlessly, Annabelle retreated back upstairs. Taylor came straight over to where I knelt, still crouched down next to the table. "So, you've read it..."
"You know what this letter says?" Diana asked.
"I've read it." Taylor said reaching down and grabbing my hand.
"What's in the letter?" Walker asked.
"None of your business." Zac said. I saw the first sign of a break as he turned back towards his mother. The shine in his eyes and the quiver of his lip were sure signs of his giving in or giving up. He took a deep shuddering breath, his nostrils flaring as he fought back tears. "Mom, please, give me my letter."
"Zac, what are you going to do about this?" Diana asked her voice tremulous. I think it must have been the pain so plainly painted across Zac's face that got to her. Still she believed what she believed. Just like Taylor, Diana truly believed that even in the worst circumstances a baby was a gift, not a choice. Diana handed the letter to Walker then placed a hand on Zac's cheek, wiping away the single tear. "Baby, did you call her? Will you call her?"
"Mom..." He said reaching up and taking her hand. I could see him softening.
"Zac?" Anne said from where she sat on the couch. "What's going on?"
At her voice, Zac's eyes fell shut, his shoulders dropped. "Anne..."
"This is about LA, isn't it?" Anne asked her voice taking on a bitter edge.
"Baby, please...” Zac began.
"What's her name?" Anne demanded.
"Anne, it's not what..." Zac began.
"What do you think I think?" Anne snapped. "Just tell me her name?"
"There is nothing to tell." Zac whispered. At those words, Diana gasped. "It's all been taken care of."
"What?" Walker demanded.
"I said it's all been taken care of." Zac said through clenched teeth.
"You let her abort your baby?" Walker asked. At the word "abort," Diana, Zac and Anne all flinched. "You were man enough to make the child, but not man enough to care for it? I can honestly say I have never been so disappointed in anyone in my entire life."
"Ah well, you've got six other kids to try and top me." Zac said a sharp edge finding it's way into his voice.
"So, it's true?" Anne asked.
"Yes, it is." Zac said very matter of fact. "It's all true. I'm a horrible boyfriend. You're most disappointing child. Basically an all-around morally bankrupt human. I'm pretty much a lost fucking cause... So, go ahead and cut your loses now and just leave me like I know you will..."
"What?" Anne asked her eyes enormous. Honestly, I knew that she would leave as soon as she found all of this out. But Zac was just being so harsh.
"I'm sorry." Zac said his voice defeated. "I don't know why I said that."
Anne just stood there for a moment wringing her hands. Finally, she stepped forward holding out her hand. Zac put his hand up accepting what she offered. Her brilliant engagement ring landed squarely in his open palm. He stared at the ring, tilting his hand back and forth seemingly mesmerized by the way the diamonds gleamed. She turned wordlessly and started walking away; her movements very herky-jerky like Diana's had been just moments earlier. As she passed by me, I moved forward, reaching for her.
"Anne, wait...” I said softly.
"Please, Cleo don't." Anne said looking at me for a split second. "I can't take this from you too."
"Don't go." Zac whispered from where he stood. "Please, just listen..."
She turned and looked at Zac again. It was almost like time had stopped, we were all rooted to our spots on the floor for what felt like an eternity. The letter was raining down ash and lava over us, petrifying us like the unsuspecting citizens of Pompeii caught forever in a desperate moment as Mount Vesuvius exploded. Suddenly, Zac's Frodo analogy made so much sense. Here we stood, all of us, at the end of all things.
Anne was the first to escape the paralyzing effects; she turned and sprinted down the stairs. Her rushed exit heralded by the front door slamming. Zac started after her, but a strong hand stopped him. "Dad, let go!"
"Zac, you can't run from this!" Walker said one hand clamped around Zac's bicep, Symphony's letter crumpled in the other.
"I need to go to her." Zac said struggling.
"I'll go." I said wanting a way to escape. I dashed down the steps into the living room, pausing to grab Anne’s jackets and mine. As I pulled my jacket on, I hoped I wouldn't have to go hiking through the mud everywhere. As I yanked the door open, I was relieved to see Anne sitting on the top step. She was hunched forward over her knees, rocking back and forth.
"Anne?" I said in what I hoped was a soothing voice; unfortunately, I don't do soothing very well. I sat next to her and draped her coat across her back.
"Why?" She whispered her arms folded under her knees pulling her into a fetal position. "Why?"
"I don't know." I said gently rubbing her back.
"I mean I've forgiven him everything..." Anne said from between her knees. "Everything! All I asked for was the truth."
"The truth is a slippery thing." I whispered.
"No, it's not." Anne said shaking her head. "Something is either the truth or a lie. It's black or white."
"Anne, there are so many shades of gray involved in any story." I said softly. "And this is one of those gray areas."
"What do you mean?" Anne asked sitting up. "He didn't tell me anything about this... about a baby."
"He didn't know about the baby until recently." I said watching her closely. "I gave him the letter only a few weeks ago."
"You gave him the letter?" Anne demanded angrily.
"Yeah, but I had no clue what was in it." I said shocked at her anger. "Or at least not until I read it..."
"You've read it?" She yelled jumping up.
"Um... yes?" I answered afraid of her next reaction.
"Oh my God." She said putting her hands over her face. "How can you call me your friend?"
"Anne, please, listen to reason." I said trying to find something (anything really) reasonable about this situation. "You have no right to be angry with me. I didn't do this to hurt you. I didn't tell you because this isn't my story to tell. I just assumed Zac would tell you."
"Well, he didn't." Anne said emphatically.
"And for that, I'm sorry." I answered shrugging. Honestly, I wasn't entirely sure why I was apologizing. Was I sorry for her or for him? "I don't know what else I can say to you."
"I don't either." She said standing in front of me. She leaned down and grabbed her jacket from where it had landed on the ground. As she slid it on, I heard the distinct jangle of keys. Behind me, the front door jerked open and Zac came bounding out.
"Come on, let's go." He said as he brushed past me.
"You're kidding, right?" She asked. He stopped dead. As he exhaled, it was like watching the air being let out of something. He just seemed to shrink.
"No," he said quietly.
"Well, let me assure you that there is no fucking way I'm going anywhere with you." She said her voice taking on a haughty tone.
Zac turned slowly, the play of shadow and light on his face gave him an eerily skeletal look. "Okay, fine, don't come with me. Don't listen to what I have to say. Don't try to salvage something from this mess."
"Why should I listen to you?" She demanded. "Anything you say will most likely be a lie."
"Anne, I didn't lie to you." Zac said his voice definitely devoid of his usually calm and reasonable tone. "I told you everything about LA."
"Not this. Not her name." Anne said crossing her arms tightly over her chest. She was the most closed off person I'd ever seen.
"I didn't know about the baby until a few weeks ago." Zac answered. "And if you really need to know, her name is Symphony."
"Why didn't you tell me when you got the letter?" Anne asked.
"Because, I needed to figure out what I was going to do. Because, I figured the only way this could end was badly." Zac answered his voice soft. He turned his head slightly, the light glancing off the planes of his face. "Because, from the very first moment I read it, my only thought was of how I could minimize the hurt all of this would inevitably cause you."
"How noble of you." She snapped. I could see plainly by her posture, her words, her tone that for her, this was over. There was no going back. "You're such a gentleman."
"Not noble," he said defeated. "Just a feeble attempt to keep you happy."
"Zac, as far as I'm concerned, you can just head right on back to LA and into the arms of Symphony." Anne chided. "I no longer want the responsibility of being your reason to live. I give you permission to return to your fabulous rockstar lifestyle. Maybe next time you won't just overdose. Maybe you can just kill yourself or someone else."
"Anne! You don't mean that!" I said aghast. But more importantly, I again began to wonder exactly what happened in Los Angeles. What could have so totally changed his life?
"Oh, but I do." She said turning her attention to me. "You have no idea what happened. No clue how close we came to losing him."
"Still..." I began.
"No, she's right." Zac said softly. "I should have just done the world a favor and finished what I started."
"Please, don't say that." I said, behind me I heard the rattle and squeak of the door opening.
"I gotta go." Zac said turning on his heel and heading towards his car.
"Zac?" Diana called after him. "Son, please..."
The only response was the emphatic slam of a car door. Zac's car roared to life, tires squealed as he sped away. Leaving behind a cloud of dust and the scent of burning rubber. "Don't go!" Diana called after the car, dashing out towards the dirt road. But he was long gone. Diana slowly wandered back towards us.
"On that stellar note." Anne said pulling her keys out of her pocket.
"He'll be back." Diana said distracted, listening to the sound of his rapidly retreating car. "No need to leave."
"Actually, there are lots of reasons to go." Anne said quietly. "I... I just can't do this right now."
"Anne, please..." Diana said as Anne retreated. "Please, wait for him, forgive him."
"I'm just not sure I can." Anne said taking a deep shuddering breath. "Not sure at all."
"Anne, please..." I said reaching for her.
She pulled away from me violently, holding her hands up in almost silent supplication. "Don't! Just... don't."
"I'm sorry." I said as she turned and walked away. Diana made a small sound next to me, a sound that I equated with heartbreak. I knew I should turn and comfort Diana, but I literally couldn't take my eyes off of Anne's retreat.
"Cleo?" Diana said in a very small voice from next to me as the car turned the last curve we could see from the house. "I think I've made a huge mistake."
"What?" I said turning towards her.
“I think I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.” Diana said quietly a small sob escaping her.
“Diana…” I began trying to find the words I needed to comfort her.
“Why didn’t I just hold the letter?” Diana said taking a deep breath trying to be strong. “Why didn’t I think… I just read the words and felt myself go cold.”
“I…” I started trying to find words. But really, there were none. There were no words of comfort or encouragement I could think of to say to her. She truly had made a major mistake. Zac while as easygoing as they come and as easy to get along with as two peas in a pod, there was also the other side of Zac. The side that could tell you exactly who had wronged him and how and when for pretty much his entire life. And while we had teased him his whole life, we also knew there was a line that just shouldn't be crossed.
"I hate him!" Zac fumed as he ran into the woods behind our houses.
I was running after him, shocked as always at how fast he could run for a ten year old. "Zac hold up..."
"No! You just want to laugh at me too." Zac said finally slowing down as he came to the edge of the Rodgers back yard.
"I'm not going to laugh at you." I said settling onto the log that Zac was currently pouting on. Taylor had chosen a very inopportune time to test the tensile strength of the string holding up Zac's very baggy basketball shorts. Unfortunately, his boxers were equally as baggy. So, as Zac jumped up to shoot the basketball, Taylor had grabbed the bottom of the shorts and had pulled down. I think no one was as surprised as Taylor was when he found himself standing there with Zac's shorts and boxers in his hand.
"Seriously, go away." Zac said burying his head in his knees. He had pulled himself into a ball.
"Zac, it's no big deal." I said rolling my eyes.
"Easy for you to say." He said from deep in his lap. "You aren't the one that was naked."
"Oh, that..." I said trying not to snicker. "Don't worry, I've seen your white ass before."
"Oh man, shut up!" Zac said standing back up and marching off in disgust. I jumped up and jogged behind him. I quickly caught up. "I hate Taylor."
"Don't hate Taylor." I said trying to appease his ten-year-old sense of justice. "He didn't know that your boxers were going to come down too."
"So?" Zac said passionately. "I will never forget this. Never!"
"Cleo?" Diana asked quietly.
"I..." I stood looking at her. I truly wanted to tell her everything was going to be all right. But for the second time that night, I found myself wondering if anything could be all right again. "I think..."
"Cleo?" Taylor asked as he stepped through the front door, a sobbing baby bundled against his shoulder. "I really think we need to head home... Hey Mom." He said giving her a one-armed hug.
"Hey baby," she said wrapping her arms tightly around his waist. I heard another small sob escape her as she snuffled her head into his shoulder. "I love you."
"Love you too." Taylor said as he placed a kiss on the crown of her head. "He'll cool off, he'll come home..."
"I hope so." Diana said over Annabelle's sudden burst of sobs. "Oh baby..."
"Mommy!" Annabelle cried flinging herself towards me.
"Ah baby, what's wrong?" I said pulling her close to me feeling the tiniest bit of satisfaction that at this moment of extreme crisis, she wanted her mommy. I could smell the bath Taylor had just given to her clinging to her skin.
"Granddad hit Zac, then Zac hit the wall." Annabelle sobbed. "He maked a big hole."
"Oh?" I said my eyes meeting Taylor's over her head.
"I want to go home!" Annabelle sobbed her small fists pulling at my hair.
"Okay baby," I said grateful for a reason to escape to the car.
"Mom, we're going to take Belle home." Taylor said hugging his mother tightly. As I secured Annabelle into her car seat, she continued to cry. Her plaintive wails around her thumb broke my heart. This may have truly been the first time she'd ever seen anything this scary. I decided that maybe it would be best if I sat in the back with her. I settled into my own seat, watching as Taylor held onto his mother; the telltale cloud of breath the only sign that he was talking to her. He moved back a little and puts his hands on either side of her face, wiping her tears away gently with his thumb. She nodded and smiled a tight insincere smile. Taylor kissed her cheek and hugged her tight once more before turning towards the car. He climbed into the driver seat and sighed deeply, resting his forehead against the steering wheel.
“Sweetheart?” I said leaning forward and rubbing his shoulder.
“This is all so bad.” Taylor said quietly.
“I’m so sorry.” I said knowing that he was right. Things were in a bad place. “What…”
“Can we not talk about this right now?” He asked as he started the car.
“Of course,” I said sitting back. I noticed that his eyes were glittering as they scanned the road in front of him. He wiped angrily at the tears pooling along his lashes. His breath whistled in and out of him choppy, labored. I could tell that he was fighting with his emotions. This didn’t really have much to do with him and yet, he felt it so keenly. The muscles in his jaw flexed and relaxed as he clenched and unclenched his jaw. I sighed knowing that if he talked about it he’d feel better, but I also knew that he was digesting everything. Also, the hiccupping baby next to me had probably been exposed to enough trauma for one night. She was doing everything she could to stay awake. Her eyes shone in the oncoming headlights, I smoothed my hand over Annabelle’s hair as she cried softly. Her face moist with tears, I gently popped her thumb out of her mouth. “I love you sweetie.”
“Love you too,” she said around her thumb. “I love you Daddy.”
A soft smile moved across Taylor’s lips. From the backseat, I could see in profile the way his face lifted with that simple gesture. “Daddy loves you more than you know baby.”
“Good,” Annabelle said turning her head to the side and finally allowing her eyes to fall shut. I watched her sleeping, something I find myself doing a lot. There was never a moment when I wasn’t grateful for her.
I held the blue box in my hands reading the instructions. “It says that the first urine of the morning is the most effective.”
“Well, we have two.” Taylor said settling behind me on the bed, reading over my shoulder. “If this isn’t clear, then you’ll do another one tomorrow morning.”
“I know, but maybe we should wait until morning.” I said ignoring the feeling of urgency in my bladder.
“Cleo, you are obviously pregnant.” Taylor said his hand snaking around onto my tummy. He pressed lightly.
“Oh man, I have to pee!” I said jumping up and running into the bathroom. Taylor followed closely behind with the open wand. I pulled down my pants and sat on the toilet with Taylor sitting right in front of me on the edge of the tub. He handed me the wand and watched me expectantly.
“Well?” Taylor said as I sat there.
“Okay, you have to leave the room.” I said the urge to urinate getting to a critical point.
“What? Why?” Taylor said his face pulling into the sweetest mask of confusion.
“My bladder has performance anxiety!” I said laughing.
“Okay, fine.” He said standing and walking out of the room. “But don’t miss it!”
Four minutes later, I stood in front of the bathroom mirror; I could hear Taylor pacing in the room. “Hey, are you done?”
“Yes,” I said holding the white wand that would change my whole life in my hand.
The door flew open and Taylor stood there, his cheeks flushed, his hair standing on end. “And?”
“There are two more minutes before it says anything.” I said quietly. I turned to him and wanted to just tell him all the things that were rushing through my brain. I wanted to tell him that I wasn’t sure I was ready to be a mother. I wasn’t entirely sure that our lives had room for a baby. But most importantly, I was panicked about getting the baby out of me. Instead, I stood there holding a white wand that I’d just peed on unable to think of one word to say. “Tay, I…”
“What?” Taylor said a look of painful patience on his face.
I looked down and saw the word. That fateful word. PREGNANT. At that moment, I felt like someone had just pushed me off a bridge. My stomach went rushing out through my toes, my hearing went all fuzzy, I felt like I was being dragged down by a lead weight, but also strangely buoyant. "Oh my God."
"What?" He said following me as I stumbled over to the bed.
"Oh my God." I said again the white wand clutched compulsively in my hand.
"Cleo?" Taylor said kneeling in front of me. He had a hand on either side of my face. "Cleo, you're scaring me."
"Okay," I said taking a deep breath. "Remember that day in New York when I... When we... No protec..."
"You are?" Taylor asked forgetting about the concerned husband routine and just snatching the pregnancy test out of my hand. "Sweet!" He jumped up and started searching around the room frantically, muttering under his breath. He finally found what he was looking for, his cell phone.
"What are you doing?" I asked, the fog suddenly lifting.
"I'm calling my parents!" Taylor said a little too loudly.
“Wait!” I said jumping up. “Wait!”
“Why?” Taylor said lowering the phone from his ear.
“I don’t know…” I said trying to think of a good reason why he shouldn’t tell everyone. “Because… because! Because this is the sort of news that is told best face to face!”
“Fair enough, but, don’t you think Ike or Zac will spill the news?” Taylor said shrugging. As he stood there, I could hear squawking coming from his phone. I could hear Diana’s voice calling his name, asking him if he was really calling or if he had accidentally dialed again. "Mom? Can you hold on?" He said into the phone before lowering it again. "So, what will it be? Do I tell her or do we let one of my brothers spill the beans?"
I stood there so uncertain. What if the test was wrong? What if something went wrong the next day and I lost it? What if Diana is mad about it? "I guess..."
"Good!" Taylor said a huge smile spreading across his face. "Hey Mom, I'm going to put you on speaker." The phone hiccupped and then, I could hear the sounds of a busy afternoon at the Hanson house going on around Diana. "Hey, is Dad around?"
"Sure, let me get him." Diana said her voice taking on that tinny sound only a speakerphone can create. "Walk, honey, can you come here?"
"What is it?" Walker's voice said from somewhere far away.
"Tay wanted to talk to you." Diana said.
"Actually, can you put me on speaker too?" Taylor asked.
"Of course!" Diana said. Soon the sounds of the kitchen became louder, more defined. I could hear Zoë whining as Mac teased her.
"What's up, Taylor?" Walker asked cheerfully. I could hear Diana shushing the rest of the family in the background.
"Not a lot," Taylor said smiling. His smile was truly impressive. I don't think I understood the expression "grinning from ear to ear" until that moment. "Actually, Cleo has something to tell you..."
"What?" I said at the same time as Diana and Walker. I felt myself turn ice cold, all of the blood draining from me, leaving my brain woefully empty of blood, oxygen, thought... All of the things vital in forming a coherent sentence.
"Go on, tell...” Taylor hissed at me. He was getting a lot of enjoyment out of watching me squirm. And I think that I would have enjoyed how my inability to form a coherent sentence was making Taylor squirm.
"Cleo, what is it?" Diana asked after the silence on our end had stretched a little too long.
"Um, yeah..." I said shooting Taylor a look of death. "I gues... Well, it seems that I'm... Tay and I are..."
"Mom! Cleo's pregnant!" Taylor crowed into the phone when it became apparent that my language skills had abandoned me. "You're going to be a grandma!"
"Hey, Cleo," Taylor said quietly in my ear. "We're home."
"Huh?" I said rubbing at my eyes.
"We're home," he said smoothing my hair back off my forehead. I looked around and sure enough, we were in our garage. He stood beside the car; Annabelle balanced on his shoulder. "You and Something sure fell asleep."
"Hmm." I said stepping out of the car and stretching. Taylor pulled my taut body up close to him, so as I brought my arms down; they just naturally fell into a hug. "My Lord, I'm tired."
"Me too." Taylor said as he kissed me. "I think I could sleep a week straight after a tour."
"What do you say we try?" I asked as we walked into our house.
“Okay,” he said as he trudged up the stairs. I checked the calls and saw that several people had called because they knew we were home. I moved to hit the listen button on the answering machine, but then realized that all I wanted to do was sleep. I dragged myself over to the stairs, listening to Taylor singing softly to Annabelle. I think he knew the entire compliment of Disney love songs. I hurriedly brushed my teeth, washed my face and crawled into bed. I lay face down, in just my bra and panties, I had grown tired of undressing halfway through.
I was almost back to sleep when I heard Taylor come into our room. He was still humming whatever it was that Annabelle insisted he sing. He went into the bathroom. I must have drifted off, because suddenly, I felt cool hands on my back, undoing the clasp of my bra, smoothing over the expanse of skin there, gently kneading at the muscles. When I didn’t react, he sighed and laid back on his pillow. “Hmm… Don’t stop.”
“Are you sleeping?” Taylor asked as he worked the muscles in my lower back.
“Only sort of.” I mumbled turning my face towards him. “I don’t think I ever really woke up from the car.”
“What were you dreaming about?” Taylor asked smoothing his callused fingertips gently over my back.
“Nothing, just now.” I answered sighing as he kept hitting my sweet spots.
“In the car silly.” Taylor said pinching my side playfully.
“I was dreaming about when we told your parents I was pregnant.” I said turning towards him. “And really, I still haven’t fully forgiven you for that.”
“Ah, but it isn’t often that I get to catch you off-guard.” Taylor said his fingertips now gliding over my side. He was smiling as he remembered the scene. “That was good times.” He said his hands working their magic on me.
“Jordan Taylor Hanson, are you trying to seduce me?” I asked sliding over closer to him, loving the feel of skin on skin.
“Maybe.” He said softly. “Is it working?”
“Maybe.” I answered.
“I just really want to hold you, is that okay?” Taylor asked.
“Of course!” I said wrapping my arms around him. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.” He said burying his face in my hair. “All I know is that I never want to see my dad that angry again.”
“What happened?” I asked. I loved laying with my head on his chest, hearing his voice, feeling it rumble deep.
“I just don’t know.” Taylor said softly. “One minute, my mom, dad and Zac were just talking about what had happened or hadn’t happened in regards to Symphony. Then Annabelle came back down looking for you… And Zac said something that I didn’t hear to my mom, but boy did my dad react. He demanded that Zac apologize, but instead Zac said, “Why don’t you both just fuck off?” “
“He didn’t.” I said lifting my head and looking at his face.
“Oh, he did.” Taylor said sighing. “Cleo, it happened so fast. It was like one second he was standing there, then he was on the ground.”
“Jesus.” I said reaching up and fixing the hair that kept creeping in front of his eyes.
“Cleo, my dad slugged Zac.” Taylor said quietly. “He hit him with a closed fist and told him to never disrespect my mom like that again.”
“Oh man.”
“Belle was understandably freaking out.” Taylor sighed.
“Of course, I’d be freaking out too.” I said imagining how scared Annabelle must have been. Violent video games even scared her.
“Zac just sat there… I think we were all in shock.” Taylor was quiet for a moment. I could feel his breath catching somewhere deep inside of him. Reliving this moment was killing him. “Then Zac stood up and asked why he should respect someone who had no respect for him.”
“Ouch.” I said knowing that those words must have just cut Diana to the quick. She always prided herself on being fair and showing her children respect, giving them the room to do the things they needed to grow, find their way.
“Then, my dad… My dad told Zac he’d better figure it out or leave.”
“Whoa…” That was a big thing; no one ever got kicked out of the house.
“He stood up and looked my dad right in the eye and said “you should be thanking me and Tay and Ike for this house. I’ll leave, no problem. In fact, I’ll never be back. But just remember where all of this came from.” Then, he turned and just hit the wall at the bottom of the stairs as hard as he could. His fist went through it as if it wasn’t there.”
“Poor Zac.” I said understanding why his face had looked a little lumpy out in the dark. He hated confrontation and arguing. He preferred to make lame jokes and try to smooth over situations with humor, by finding common ground, by respecting the opinion of the person his disagreement was with. “He must be feeling like shit…”
“Cleo, the thing is…” Taylor said softly his arms pulling me tightly against him. I grunted as the breath was forced from me. “I think Zac meant it when he said he’d never be back there.”
“Tay, he’ll go back.” I said softly. “You have to trust that he’ll calm down and think about what he said.”
“I hope so,” Taylor said loosening his tight grip on me. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” I said wiggling around until I found a comfortable position. He kissed my forehead and sighed. “Let’s get some sleep, this won’t look so bad in the morning.”
“You’re right.” He said chuckling. “But then again, you’re always right.”
“Don’t you forget it.” I mumbled feeling sleep take me over.
“I won’t.” Taylor said his grip on me loosening even more. His breathing had evened out, I would have sworn he was asleep. I breathed deeply loving the basic, warm smell of Taylor’s bare skin. He sighed after me. “I don’t think I ever could.” The words buried somewhere in the sigh, barely audible and yet there.
“Hmm…” I sighed feeling the world quickly fleeing. I was where I most loved to be wrapped in the arms of the man I love, tucked into the bed we had picked out together, under the roof that we had chosen and changed to fit us perfectly. Through the open door, I could hear Annabelle mumbling in her sleep. She truly was her father’s daughter. I took off my glasses and put them on Taylor’s beside table. It was 11:52 pm, early for us to be getting to bed. But I was so, so tired. I really was ready to try and sleep for a month…