Dispossessed

So, sometimes, I really miss the feel of the mattress settling as he climbed into bed next to me. Surrounding me in the smell of Tide, cigarettes and the smell that was so uniquely him. I miss his sigh as he settled smoothly between the sheets. "Are you awake?" He'd whisper coolly in my ear.

"No," I would sigh back, as his arm fell heavily across my shoulders. I would roll over into his arms, my hands going automatically into honey blonde hair, thick and oily to the touch. We would lie there, tangled in the sheets, arms and legs locking together as if by memory.

"Ah... I love when you're asleep." He'd say his warm mouth connecting with mine. By this time of night, his face would have stubble on it. I looked forward to the familiar scrape.

And here come the butterflies. It didn't matter how many times he kissed me, my stomach always filled with butterflies.... "Do you know love you?" I would breathe, my hands going to the places I knew he loved, his hands gliding effortlessly over my body.

"Yes, you do." He would say, as I sucked on his Adam's apple. And with those words, we would tumble over the edge, give in to the feelings overwhelming us, take our language from our lips, render us helpless... Our desire becoming a swollen river with a current so strong we cannot fight it. We just have to let go. Allow the current to flow over our heads... Soon, we are gasping for breath, clawing up toward the surface, until we are washed ashore. I would look into his eyes, soft and spent and would smile... For that moment, he was mine.

But, soon, he would roll over. And he was no longer mine. "Sophie, would you hold still." He said as I fidgeted trying to fall asleep. His eyes that had been the river I drowned in moments before, freezing over, a solid sheet of ice.

"Sorry." I said rolling back onto my stomach, focusing on not moving and not succeeding. My feet had a life all their own.

"God, Sophie." He'd say as he leapt out of bed. "Why can't you stop moving?" He'd say as he stalked out of the room. I would hear him flumping down onto the couch and the television switching on. And I would know then he would never be mine.