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In The Flesh
So ya thought ya might like to go to the show.
If I had my way I'd have all of ya shot. |
I felt bad I was bringing the boys down right before a show. They needed to be hyped and up or else the show might end up being flat and it would be my fault. I watched as they each seemed to be absorbed in their own thoughts. Ike looked out the window, twisting his short hair around the fingers of his left hand and sliding a pic through the fingers of his right hand. Taylor sat looking at his shoes chewing on his fingers of his left hand while tapping on the armrest with his right. And Zac was watching me in the mirror, watching my eyes as they moved from person to person and pulling on his bottom lip. Zac didn’t smile he just looked at me. He was allowing me the time and space to truly feel the sadness he could see washing over my face. Ashley spoke hurriedly with someone, reading the list off of my palm pilot. He hung up his cell phone and turned to the guys, handing my palm pilot back to me. “So, what are you playing tonight?”
“We thought maybe we’d start off with something unexpected, so we’re going to sing Ever Lonely first...” I tuned out this conversation. I snapped the sun visor back into place, I was sad enough without seeing my sadness reflected in their usually jubilant faces. I couldn’t think about them right now. I needed to sit and think about Thad. Actually, to be truthful, my entire thought process had shut down and I just sat as the Dallas/Fort Worth scenery glided by. I don’t think I made any coherent connections until I was jolted back by screaming as we pulled up to the venue.
I was so tired, all I wanted to do was lean my seat back and sleep for the rest of my life. But I had some very important services to perform, services vital to the show, I had to make sure their shirts were ironed; their belts matched their shoes; their post-concert shower clothes and supplies were in their dressing room; they each had exactly 4 bottles of water and Zac had 2 partially frozen Cherry Rush Gatorade; Taylor had to have a clean, white towel hanging on his keyboards; Ike had 12 (not 11 and not 13, but 12 -- 6 black and 6 white) pics taped to his mic stand; Zac had 25 extra drumsticks in the quiver; then, I had to go outside and corral the girls for the meet-and-greet, or grip-and-grin, as the case may be; and lots of other seemingly inconsequential details only I could make sure were done.
In all honesty before a show, I was so busy I hardly had time to think let alone be sad, so I was grateful for the distraction, but short of giving Zac his pre-show hummer, I did everything. I did the work of 5 people (wardrobe, public liaison, personal assistant, gopher, parent). During the European and Asian legs of this tour, Walker and Diana had done the public relations stuff, but they weren’t here, so I did it. While the boys were onstage both during the concert and the soundcheck, I ran my ass off. I may not jog five miles everyday, but I still get in my exercise.
I had finished ironing their various and sundry articles of clothing and hanging them in their dressing room (let me just say on the record, that I don’t mind when they wear leather, ‘cause a) I don’t have to iron it and b) I don’t have to wash it, so if you ever meet the guys, make sure they know how much you like leather), it was now time for the grip-and-grin, there would be no autographs, so it wasn’t truly a meet-and-greet. I wanted to check and make sure they were ready, before I went up and began the process of bringing the fans (okay, let’s be honest, it was almost exclusively girls, but let’s just use the PC term and call them fans) down to meet the boys in groups of 10. When I walked in, they were in the midst of a minor war.
“So, just ‘cause you have a stomach ache, you want to cancel tonight’s show.” Tay said standing over Zac. Zac was lying on the couch; I could see the sweat on his face and beneath his arms. “That’s just great. Absolutely brilliant.”
“Tay lay off.” Ike said walking over and putting his hand on Taylor’s arm.
“Oh, so now you want to cancel tonight as well?” Taylor said throwing Ike’s hand off.
“I’m not saying that,” Ike said quietly, trying to be calm, the voice of reason, as always. “I’m just saying we should explore all our options.”
“So, you seem to think going on stage without a drummer is an option?”
“I didn’t say that, quit putting words in my mouth.” Ike said.
“Well, how about I play the drums and we let Matt play all the keyboards? And maybe Scott could go up front and sing the vocals?” Taylor said a little too sarcastically. “How does that sound? You up for that Zac?”
“Screw you, Taylor. Can’t we just postpone it or something?” Zac mumbled weakly as he pulled himself upright. “Not cancel it totally, just come back, later.”
“Oh, okay,” Tay said angrily. “Zac, we’ll postpone tonight’s performance. BUT, you get to go out and tell SEVENTEEN THOUSAND people they have to come back when you’re feeling better. I’m sure the people in the audience who traveled far will understand completely.”
“Tay, I feel so horrible.” Zac said.
“You know, I’ve gone out feeling like absolute shit! I did Oddville with a major case of the flu. I can’t even stand to watch our first MTV interview, because I was so sick, I sound like I need to blow my nose through the entire interview. I played the last month of the “This Time Around” tour with a sinus infection. And hey, in Tokyo, I had food poisoning, I left the stage twice to puke and yet, I played.” Tay yelled throwing his arms into the air. Really Tay must have been pissed to yell, ‘cause he rarely raises his voice. It’s not good for the vocal chords. “I just cannot believe you want to wimp out because you feel a little nauseated. You are so selfish, I can’t believe you.”
“Well, you’re a better man than me!!” Zac yelled with more force than I thought he would be able to muster. “But really, isn’t that what you think, what you want the world to believe. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to believe? My God Tay, when did you start believing your own press? ‘Cause let me assure you it isn’t true. You are just as big an asshole as ever walked...”
“Zac, stop...” Isaac began.
“What in the hell are you talking about?” Taylor screamed. His voice booming, he was using every ounce of his vocal training to get some real volume behind it. “Don’t you get it? Don’t you see? If this isn’t your dream, then why the fuck are we even doing this?”
“When did me feeling sick suddenly become a question of whether or not I’m as committed as you?” Zac said all the air going out of his argument. “Tay, I’m just as committed as you.”
“Oh, are you?” Taylor sneered stepping right into Zac’s face. They looked like two dogs showing off their teeth.
“Would you both just shut up?” Isaac said stepping between them. “Zac no one is questioning your commitment to this band. And Taylor, calm down, if we have to cancel one show, then we cancel one show, it isn’t the end of the world.”
“Cleo, please tell them I’m sick.” Zac pleaded looking to me for support. He slumped back down onto the couch and had his head leaning back. He was so pale I could see the delicate blue veins running down his neck. He looked so deflated as I watched his Adams apple bob as he swallowed convulsively. “Please...”
“No,” I said shaking my head; I had never chosen sides before and I wasn’t about to begin. “No, no, no, no, no. I refuse to be dragged into a family argument.”
“Well, if you aren’t family, then what are you?” Ike said quietly, he reached out and laced his fingers through mine. I looked from him to Zac to Taylor. As my eyes rested on Taylor, I noticed how he glared at our linked hands. Ike gave my hand a reassuring squeeze. “And really, we’ve gone over this again and again and maybe you’ll have an idea we haven’t explored.”
“Okay, you want to know what I really think?” I asked, knowing I was stepping into a hornet’s nest. I looked from Taylor to Zac and back again. This was a no win situation. No matter what I said at this point, someone would be pissed. They all shook their heads. “I think you should go on tonight, if you need to cancel a show, then cancel the next one.”
“Of course you take Tay’s side.” Zac said turning away from me in disgust.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“Just that I should have know that you’re like everyone else.” Zac said tears of frustration filling his eyes. “Everyone listens to Taylor as though he knows everything. It’s like just ‘cause he’s been labeled the best looking he’s also the smartest.”
“Zac, that is so way off base. I’m just thinking of the riot potential if you cancel now.” I said. Of the three, I thought for sure he knew I didn’t care at all about their fame, looks or money. “I can’t even fathom why you would even say that. Why you would think that was okay?”
“Because, it is so obvious.” Zac said finally giving in and just crying. I honestly think I only ever remember seeing Zac cry twice, once at Grandma Lawyer’s funeral and once at Thad’s funeral. “You two have always been in love with one another.”
“What?” I asked completely dumbfounded by this comment.
“Zac,” Taylor said his voice threatening. “Shut up, now!”
“Oh come on! You’re always sharing deep and meaningful looks, staring at each other when you think no one will notice. At the radio station, Cleo couldn’t pry her eyes away from Taylor.” Zac said sinking back down into a laying position on the couch. What he’d just said about this morning at the radio station was true. Scary, but true. “Why do you think Cleo, the undisputed queen of revenge has never taken her revenge out on you? I mean, you pushed her out of the tree house. Even if it was an accident, I think that is a fairly revenge worthy scenario, but no, with you all is forgiven. And Tay, why is it you bring up my enormous crush on her every chance you get? Is it because you want to tell her how in love with her you are, but you just don’t have the balls? Well, it’s really easy and look I can do it myself. Cleo, I love you.” Zac said turning towards me. I don’t think I’ve ever heard those three words infused with more venom than at that moment. “Have you ever noticed you never, ever touch, really? I mean, you hug once in a while, but you never just hold hands like Ike and Cleo would or even Cleo and I do?”
“What is your point?” I demanded.
“Just that both of you make me sick you’re so dishonest with yourselves and us and pretty much everyone else.”
“You know what?” I asked now so completely pissed I wanted to rip his black little heart out of his chest. “I don’t even want to hear anymore of this crap. I’m leaving now to go and get the first group of fans for the meet and greet. I suggest you make some sort of decision and get your shit together. Oh and one more thing before I go, you guys are the best, just so compassionate.” I said my voice so completely steeped in sarcasm, I actually sounded mean. “I realize you are the despotic emperors of your little universe, but others of us have things going on. Real actual problems. My God, today is the sixth anniversary of Thad’s death. Thad, you remember him, he was my twin brother. And this morning you met someone who should remind you just how lucky you are to have your health and an amazing opportunity to touch the lives of the people around you. But no, you’re sitting in your dressing room like the little Napoleons you are. Well, as of this moment, I am officially done with this conversation.”
With that I slammed out of the door and went running up the stairs and onto the stage. The venue was quickly filling and I heard a few girls squeal as they noticed me walk onto the stage. I knew where I was going or more specifically, what I was looking for, I needed to be away. Far away. I jumped off the stage and waded through the crowd towards the sound booth. I heard what might have been my name a few times, but since I didn’t feel like having my hair pulled, I ignored it. I noticed a lot of the girls watching my all access pass closely. I had access to the magical land of backstage. I bet even I could have taken a few of these girls backstage and gotten them naked as long as they got to meet their idols. No wonder it was so easy for Zac to be such a major player. But, right now I was on a mission I wanted a cigarette.
“Hey, Cleo.” Jess (the sound guy) said as I walked into the booth.
“Hey Jess,” I said painting the fakest smile ever onto my face. “You got a Camel chubby I could bum or maybe a pack I could buy?”
“Sure, you can have the rest of this pack.” He said handing me half a pack of Camel Wide Lights and a book of matches. “I didn’t know you smoked.”
“Yeah, well, there’re lots of things you don’t know about me. I quit when we left for Europe, ‘cause Diana didn’t think the kids seeing me smoke was such a good idea,” I said putting a cigarette in my mouth and another one behind my ear. I left the sound booth and walked right out the front door of the venue. At that moment I was done, in my mind, I was leaving and going home to Tulsa. I wanted, no, I needed to go home, to go to the cemetery, to lie on Thad’s grave, to surrender to the emotions coursing through my veins. Instead, I sat on the front steps of the venue and smoked 3 cigarettes in a row. I consciously ignored the pager buzzing against my leg (I momentarily considered throwing it as hard as I could across the plaza in front of the venue, but then I would have to explain where it had gone and blah, blah, blah...), as far as I was concerned, everyone even remotely associated with Hanson could go get hung. After my third cigarette, I began walking up to random groups of girls and asking if they wanted to go backstage and meet the guys. I led the girls around to the back door of the arena and broke them up into groups of 10. As I was about to begin briefing them, I heard someone call my name from down the corridor. I turned to see Taylor motioning to me. Unfortunately, so did the girls ‘cause they all squealed. I quickly lit another cigarette and walked back towards him.
“What are you waiting for?” He asked. “And what are you doing?”
“I’m getting the girls ready to meet you, although I have no idea why they would want to do that and I’m having a cigarette.”
“Whatever, we worked it out.” He said waving his hand in front of his face as I took an enormous drag. “We’ve taken all of Zac’s solos out of the show and have expanded the acoustic set, so he doesn’t have to play the drums as much. Zac is not going to take part in the grip and grin, so warn them before they come back. Okay?” I shook my head and turned to go, when I felt his hand on my arm. I turned back around. “And Cleo, I am so sorry about everything. I think today has been a world record day for major fuck-ups on my part. You’re right; we really are too wrapped up in ourselves and have forgotten much of what’s important. Please tell me you forgive me. I would never, ever intentionally do anything to jeopardize our friendship.”
“Tay today has been one of the single shittiest days of my entire life.” I said dropping the cigarette and shrugging. “Really. I’ve gotten in a fight with two of my three best friends over truly stupid things and thrown an embarrassingly inappropriate hissy fit.”
“Well, we could definitely stand to be a little bit more compassionate.” Taylor said running his fingers through his thick, blond hair.
“Well, I was thinking I should find Ike and start an argument then, I will have completed my triumvirate.” I said smiling sheepishly.
“Nah, I don’t think you could get Ike to bite.”
“What if I offer him snacks?”
“Cleo, you are too much.” He said laughing and shaking his head. He turned and walked back into the room set up for the grip and grin. I, on the other hand, instructed the girls on how to act (don’t get to handsy, don’t ask for autographs, do have your camera ready, do have any gifts ready, and don’t look for Zac). After the last group was safely led back out to their seats, the guys quickly changed into the clothes they had chosen (and I had carefully ironed) for the evening.
Right before they ascended the stairs to the stage they each stopped and rubbed my tummy as I said, “Buddha say: have a good show,” or something equally as lame. They say in interviews they don’t have any pre-concert rituals, but really they do. They have tons. They have the “are we a group” chant, before we leave the hotel. They always do the mandatory meet and greet. The family (or if the family isn’t there, then the three of them) always says a quick prayer. Taylor twists his necklaces all the way around seven times (I know, I’ve counted) and touches his in-ear monitors three times. Zac carefully tapes his split fingers and pulls his hair back in a super tight ponytail. Ike studiously reads the set-list over twice with a black pic in his mouth (he always starts a concert with a black pic). And now, they rubbed my Buddha belly.
This lovely new tradition started in Europe after a huge Chinese dinner. Zac had jokingly said I had grown a Buddha belly and everyone needed to rub it for luck, while I passed out pearls of wisdom. And lucky me, it stuck. Tay stopped and rubbed my tummy and I told him, “Buddha say: Sing like an angel and sing With you in your dreams for me and Thad.” Ike rubbed my stomach and placed a brotherly kiss on my forehead as I told him, “Buddha say: Play with strength my son and think of Thad during Mmmbop.” As Zac paused in front of me, I gave him a huge squeeze, a quick kiss on the lips and whispered in his ear (after I pulled out his in-ear monitor) “Buddha say: hit drums hard and forgive stupid friend for her bonehead comments.”
He looked at me with one eyebrow raised and planted a kiss firmly on my lips. “Buddha, you have great wisdom.” He leaned down in the near complete darkness and kissed me again, but this time he really kissed me. His lips were so strong and his mouth tasted sweet like cherries. His tongue tentatively licked my lips. I felt a moan growing in the back of my throat as he sucked my bottom lip between his. He pulled away and to be perfectly honest, I didn’t want the kiss to end. I felt the kiss in my knees. If his hand hadn’t been firmly on my back, I might have fallen to the ground. I found myself wondering how the squirrelly little seven year old with a true talent for burping and farting on demand, had became this tall, strong man. When did he change? Why hadn’t I noticed it before? Who had changed the rules and made the boy I had always thought of as a brother into desirable a man? As he pulled away, I found myself wanting more and now, I was most definitely confused. “And Buddha, all is forgiven.”