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I
Could Fall
Nobody could hurt me like I know she could hurt me
Look at me I'm flying, just a breath away from dying
Do I hide my heart? Do I lock my door?
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“What? What did you say?” Taylor demanded taking a step toward me. His eyes grew wide almost as if he didn’t believe what he’d just heard and really, either did I.
“What? Nothing, I didn’t say anything.” I said panic wrapping its cold fingers around my heart. Oh man, I hadn’t meant to say that and really, I hadn’t even known those five words were going to come out of my mouth. Damn my mouth and the trouble it always gets me into. “I didn’t say...” Taylor put his fingers under my chin and tipped my face up towards him. He softly placed his lips on my forehead. I momentarily forgot myself and leaned into him. He kissed the tip of my nose and I sighed, was I really going to let this happen. He put his lips oh-so-softly on my lips and I opened my mouth inviting this, wanting it. “...anything at all.”
Suddenly I remember who I was and who he was and that I should not be kissing him and I jerked away as though his lips burned. “Cleo...” He said holding onto my upper arms and leaning back towards me. Oh, how I wanted to kiss him. And yet, I stepped away.
“Tay, don’t start with me.” I said backing away from him. I reached up and pushed in the stop button on the elevator. There he stood, a truly spectacular man who only wanted me to love him. He was actually holding his hands out towards me, inviting me to come home to his arms. And I desperately wanted to love him the way he deserved. But in the back of my mind, memories of the last 24 hours kept pulling at me. I had kissed Zac and really, really liked it. I actually hated to admit how much he had turned me on. And Isaac? In him, I found every emotion I’d ever hoped to feel. But, really did either of those kisses have half the passion of when I kissed Taylor? No, they didn’t. When I kissed Taylor, I was sure I new his every last thought. I didn’t even need to breathe. Or think. Just react. I know this will sound horribly cheesy, but it was almost as if our souls new each other. I felt like I really had come home. “Please. Don’t start with me right now.”
“It’s not like I just asked you to run off to Vegas with me and get married by an Elvis impersonator or anything.” He said throwing his hands up in frustration. “I just want a chance. Just give me a chance to prove I love you.”
“Taylor, please.” I said suddenly unable to meet his eyes. “How could you love me?”
“How can I love you?” He asked running his hands through his hair, locking his fingers behind his head. “I love you because of who you are.”
“That is NOT a reason.” I said folding my arms.
“Okay,” He said putting his hands down. “You really want to know why I love you? Well, it’s because every happy memory I have involves you in some way. You were the first person I called when we got out record deal, when Mmmbop hit number one. And, I’ll never forget the moment when my dad came into the hotel room and sat on the bed next to Ike. He had tears on his face. It scared me. My first though was something had happened to you and when he opened his mouth and the unbelievable words about Thad’s death fell out. I knew, I was right. Something terrible had happened to you.”
“Just because you felt some compassion doesn’t mean you love me. You didn’t call me...” I said quietly. “You can’t love me. Please.”
“Cleo, I would never do anything you didn’t want me to. And unfortunately, I can’t make you feel something that isn’t there.” He said pulling out the stop button. “I’ve waited this long, I can wait longer.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t,” I said softly.
“You know," Taylor said shaking his head. "I think I know what I feel and what I think. And I want you.”
“Taylor, I am so sorry. I just can’t...” I said. Thankfully, the doors of the elevator slid open. I ran to the room and quickly slid the keycard into its slot.
“Hey Cleo!” Zac said as I ran into the room. “Where have you...” He trailed off as I ran past him into my room. I just couldn’t sit in there and pretend nothing had happened. But then again, I wasn’t ready to deal with what I’d just said. “Tay, what’s wrong with Cleo? Tay?” I heard the door to Taylor’s room slam. Great, I was once again responsible for Taylor slipping into his Diva Tay persona. I have a true talent for bringing out the worst in people. I sat on my bed and took in great gulps of air. I needed to just think and think hard. I rummaged around in my bags until I found my jogging gear. I quickly changed and stepped back into the great room where Isaac and Zac were watching the weather channel. “Hey Cleo.” Zac said a lot less enthusiastically then before. “I see you and Tay are getting along really well, as usual.”
“Whatever,” I said shaking my head, I walked over to the refrigerator and fished out one of my huge bottles of water (Zac often asked why I thought I needed 1.5 liters of water, which I usually just let get warm and didn’t actually drink much of and really I had no other answer than, I sometimes get really, really thirsty). “I’m going downstairs so I can use the treadmill. I need to run about 20 miles.”
“Do you want some company?” Isaac asked looking up at me.
“Sure, you can come down if you want, but I’m not waiting.” I said pulling the door open. I’d already waited for one Hanson today and look at the mess it had landed me in. I quickly strode across the hall and to the door of the stairs. I might as well begin my workout by running down twelve flights of stairs. I was already sweating by the time I entered the weight room, but man did I need to clear my head. And rid my body of all toxins and these feelings for Taylor felt fairly confusing and definitely toxic. I set the treadmill for the hardest course and started to run. I loved the feel of just running. When I ran, I didn’t have to think about anything but staying on my feet. But, for some reason, it wasn’t working today. As I hit the 2-mile mark, I heard a bunch of screaming in the lobby and knew either Isaac, Taylor or Zac were on their way. The door opened and Isaac walked in.
“Hey!” He said smiling his overlarge smile. If only I had loved him from the beginning, everything would be so much easier, so much clearer. He stepped onto the treadmill next to mine and punched in a few numbers. “God Cleo, what are you doing? Running from the devil?”
“Only if the devil has blonde hair and blue eyes.” I gasped running as hard as I could.
“What happened between you and Taylor?” He asked slowly easing into a comfortable pace.
“Nothing, why?” I asked holding onto my side. The pinch in my side was bad and my lungs burned badly, I just wanted to lie down on the floor and gasp huge lung full of air, but instead I just pushed myself even harder.
“Because, as soon as you walked out, Taylor came slamming out of his room and walked into your room, demanding to know where you went.” Ike said reaching over and punching my treadmill down a notch or two. “Cleo, you’re going to hurt yourself. What are you punishing yourself for this time?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” I gasped punching my treadmill back up to the maximum level. He just sighed and kept on jogging at a slow, easy pace. Ike was soon in his own zone and neither of us had enough extra breath to carry on a conversation, so thankfully I didn’t have to talk about it. But I could think about it and boy, did I.
Thoughts of one specific day kept pushing aside all others. Although I don’t think of this day often, I remember it, as if it were yesterday. It was a sunny late February afternoon when they returned from Los Angeles after recording Middle of Nowhere. I was standing in Thad’s room, something I did a lot at that time, staring at the great expanse of lawn between our houses. I stared at it for hours, thinking maybe, just maybe if I just concentrated hard enough, Thad would magically appear. He would be right there, next to the willow tree a soccer ball under his arm, yelling at me to quit being such a girl and get my butt outside so he could beat me at soccer. I would just stand there and stare. But I would never cry. I was still numb and all alone, I felt as though I didn’t even exist. And, if I didn’t exist, I couldn’t cry.
As I stood there, hiding behind the blinds, a dirty and rather travel worn beige van pulled into the Hanson’s driveway. How many times had I ridden in that van? Too many times to count really. But it had been the old me, the me that had known joy. Now, I was a sallow joyless husk. I watched as the 8 members of the Hanson family stepped out of the huge van. Zoë hadn’t even been thought of yet, so Mac was still the precious baby. The previously quiet afternoon was suddenly awash in activity. I watched as they unloaded wave after wave of luggage and instruments. I could vaguely hear talking and laughing. Walker was barking orders much like a general, but with so many rambunctious kids to corral, barking orders was the only way to maintain order. Zac was talking in his overloud Matt Foley voice. Ike was laughing hysterically as Zac kept trying to hide from Diana. Diana was scolding Zac for not helping more. Mac had begun to cry, because no one would pick him up, even from where I watched through a canopy of trees, I could tell he was tired. I could hear the high off-key singing of Avery. Back before the girls moved onto the front lawn, Avie had been a funny, outgoing girl who sang more than Taylor. I could hear the loud protestations of Jessica as Zac ran by and yanked on her perpetually messy braid. Jessica asked if she could run over to my house and see if I was home. I was the closest thing to an older sister she was ever going to have. I didn’t hear Diana’s answer, but it must have been negative, because Jessica again began to carry the old Barbie suitcase Thad and I had given her into the house. I could hear the usual noises of a family without a care in the world. The whole family acted as if nothing had happened. They acted as though they didn’t know the universe was slowly imploding on a girl watching them from the back second floor window of the house next door. And really, they didn’t.
I watched as confusion reigned. I watched as they walked between the van and the house. I watched how not once did Isaac or Zac look over at my house, but Taylor’s eyes kept wandering towards my house, towards Thad’s window. Later, I often wondered if he could see me behind the blinds. After about an hour of activity, they were done. I looked over at their house and it looked just like it had for the last 6 months, like no one was home. But there was someone home; Taylor was sitting on the steps off the deck, huddled against the cold staring at the lawn between our houses. He was leaning against the railing with his legs pulled up tight against his chest and his head resting on his knees. Even from the distance I was watching him, I could see there were tears on his face. For some reason, I reached forward and pulled the blinds up all the way. I needed a better view, I needed to know if he was really crying. Shedding tears for my loss. Because at that time, I could not conceive that anyone else had lost anything, what I had lost was so complete. The movement must have caught his eye because he lifted his head and looked directly at Thad’s bedroom window, quickly wiping the tears (or were they tears) from his rosy cheeks. I know it was my imagination, but I swear our eyes met across the expanse of the lawn. I can even describe the shade of soft grayish, blue shining in his eyes that day. I silently placed my palm against the window, reaching out for him, but he didn’t reach back. There was no way he could have seen me with the late afternoon sun glinting off the west facing window. Or did he?
I never asked him if he could actually see me or if he was crying, but I remember holding the cordless phone and thinking at any moment they’d call. The phone would ring and it would be Ike or Zac calling to see if I wanted to play soccer or roller blade down to the skate park. Or, now that both Ike and I could drive we could maybe run down to Scream to get ice cream or run to the mall and check out the latest CD’s or go rent some horrible 80’s slasher flick at Blockbuster (I could drive something Thad never got to do and that broke my heart to think of all the things he would never do). I just knew they would call me and everything would snap back into place. My life would again make sense, would again be filled with the joyful noise of all the boys in my life, would again be my life. I was sure if they called the last six months would wash away and I would turn to see Thad sprawled out on his bed, laughing at me, wondering why I was so sad. I would once again be surrounded by laughter (and not by a sweaty, horny 16 year old boy, who treated me horribly, but really I deserved it).
But the phone didn’t ring.
I must have watched Taylor for at least 15 minutes, until he stood and walked into the house. About 10 minutes later, I saw Jarrod strolling across the lawn. He casually knocked on the back door. Ike stepped through the door and called something over his shoulder. Moments later, Isaac, Taylor and Zac were outside playing soccer with Jarrod, Matt, Rudy and a couple other guys from the neighborhood. But no one ever called me. I could hear the joyful noise of the boys again, but it rang hollow in my ears, because there was a laugh missing. A laugh so much like my own, but not mine. And still, no one called me. Not for days, then when I finally heard from them, it was Taylor who called. He wanted to come over to listen to their new CD. I was shocked by his new deeper voice over the phone.
When I arrived at their house, I slipped through the back door. Really there was no need for me to knock. I immediately headed down into the garage, my fingers trailing lightly over Taylor and Zac’s mural. Before I even opened the door, I could hear talking and laughing. I stopped and listened, silently hoping to hear my brothers’ oh-so-familiar twang. To hear him tease Taylor about what a girl he sounded like when he sang. To hear Zac belch as he and Thad power slammed Dr. Pepper. To hear Thad tell Ike to just shut up, that he was rambling again. I just wanted to hear the sound that would comfort me. Instead, I heard Jarrod describing in colorful detail parts of my anatomy. I sighed, knowing I should be pissed, but not really having enough energy to even let it bother me. And I didn’t exist anymore, so why would it bother me that my boyfriend was painting me to be a horny, lusty slut. I suppose the only thing I really felt was disappointment. Disappointment the boys I thought of as brothers, did nothing to defend me. They just sat and laughed. Until I heard Taylor say quietly, “Jarrod, don’t be so disgusting. You’re talking about Cleo.”
“Yeah, and I’ve fucked her, so I know all about her. More than you’ll ever know fruity boy.” Jarrod said, which at that time he hadn’t but really why split hairs. “And she goes down on me all the time, in public even. Tay, are you jealous?”
“No, don’t be ridiculous...”
“What are you afraid you’ll never find yourself a boyfriend as hot as me?” Jarrod said and everyone laughed. Thad would tease Tay about sounding like a girl when he sang, but he was never actually mean. If I could only say one thing about Jarrod, it was that he truly was an asshole.
When I’d heard just about enough, I walked through the door and a heavy silence descended on the people I considered my best friends. I was surprised to see not only the neighborhood guys there, but also many of the girls from the surrounding streets. Girls had never really been a part of the equation before, well except for me. As I cleared the door, I noticed how everyone kept watching the dark stairwell, perhaps they were expecting Thad to come bounding in after me. To find out the funeral we’d all gone to last August was all a big practical joke. But, I could have told them, no matter how long they waited, he was never coming through the door. Jarrod stood up and grabbed me possessively and kissed me in front of everyone and in a horrible possessive voice said, “look my woman’s here. Hey woman, come over here and service your man.” At those horrid words, I met Taylors eyes and I saw hurt in them, but I was never sure why. I never worried about how Zac or Isaac felt about Jarrod and I, but for some reason, the words Jarrod said in front of Taylor always embarrassed me. Now, it all made sense, but then, it was confusing and overwhelming. That was the last day I ever walked into their house without knocking.
After about 30 minutes, Ike turned off his treadmill and set up the crunch bar and did some sit-ups watching me the entire time. His soft, brown eyes seemed to be trying to peel back my skin to see what was going on inside my brain. I could feel the compassion flowing out of him. If only he knew how little I deserved his love and compassion right now. After about 60 minutes of continuous jogging, I was hammered and tired, I actually tripped over the belt on the treadmill. I grabbed my bottle of water, but it was empty. I angrily hurled the empty bottle across the room. I really needed some water. “Here,” Ike said handing me his half-full bottle of water. Taking this opportunity to turn off my treadmill. I gratefully stepped off and basically collapsed to the floor. “Okay, Cleo, are you going to tell me what this is all about?”
I gulped down almost the whole bottle of water without stopping for a breath. In fact, I only stopped because my stomach suddenly cramped around the cold water. I was actually afraid I was going to throw the water up, so I pulled my whole body up into a tight fetal position. “Oh man, my stomach.”
“Cleo, just relax.” Ike said gently taking my arms and legs and straightening them. He softly stroked my soaked through hair. “Cleo, breath slower.” I tried to consciously relax my muscles taking slower and slower breaths. He softly rubbed my shoulders and talked to me in a soft low voice. “Cleo, I wanted to talk to you alone. I wanted to apologize for this morning in your room. I don’t know what I was thinking. I guess talking to Emory made me panic and I just reached out for whatever was there. Unfortunately, it was you.”
“Don’t apologize, nothing happened that I wasn’t a full participant of.” I said sitting up and stretching out, cooling down. “It’s not like I haven’t known forever how you feel about me.”
“Cleo, I think maybe my being in love with you has become more of a habit than a fact.” Isaac said knotting his fingers in his hair. “While that kiss was amazing, in fact, I would dare say that was the best kiss ever. It was just that: a kiss. While I still love you, I don’t think... No, I know, I’m not in love with you anymore.”
“Really?” I asked moving over to the crunch bar and doing some sit-ups. At this revelation, I again felt sadness, but also a sense of relief. Much like I had the day before in the bathroom with Zac. “Do you love Emory?”
“Yes,
actually I think I do.” He said smiling. “But I hardly know her, the real
her. When she gets here we’ll have a serious talk about how we need
to get to know one another rather than our virtual selves. I hope she’s
okay with that.”
“Well,
if she loves you, she will be just fine with that.” I said breathless from
doing sit-ups. I quickly counted out 50 crunches before continuing. I didn’t
want to talk to Isaac about this, but really other than Zac, I had no one.
“Ike, Taylor says he’s in love with me.”
“Okay and this is a bad thing because he makes you physically sick?” Ike asked sitting on the floor next to me.
“No, it’s a bad thing because... Because...” I stopped unable to think of a real reason why it was such a bad thing. “Because, I just don’t know what to do with or about that kind of information.”
“So, what about you?” Ike said watching me abuse my body even more. I could see him silently counting as I started doing my oblique crunches. “What are you going to do about Taylor? How do you feel about him?”
“That’s the scary thing, ‘cause I think I might be in love with him.” I said my stomach muscles tightening with fear as well as the endless crunches I was doing. I watched Ike’s face carefully for his reaction to this information, his face sagged just a little, before pulling back up into a smile. It saddened me to think I was hurting him. Man, tomorrow I will be sore, sore, sore. Sore from head to toe, maybe Ike was right, maybe I was punishing myself. “I mean, I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately. Well, since yesterday, but who’s keeping track. And you know, what Zac said made so much sense.”
“Zac made sense? When?” He said teasing me. Actually, Zac often made more sense than Isaac and Taylor combined. They were both so passionate and gung-ho for everything, often the thought process behind how to get where they needed to be was left behind. But Zac, he was a careful and deep thinker.
“Last night, before the concert.” I panted between crunches. “He pointed out how Taylor and I rarely touch, but he really is the most physical of the three of you.”
“I know.” Ike said smiling his most amazing smile. Again, the question sprang to mind of why I couldn’t have just fallen in love with him. I mean, life with him would be sensible, quiet and reasonable, not confusing, torrid and passionate. “He’s usually the one at family parties running around and hugging everyone. Most of the time, it gets to the point were it becomes truly obnoxious.”
“Exactly, but he rarely hugs me and I never hug him.” I said laying back letting the blood rush to my head. “I walk up to you and kiss you. I’m in Zac’s lap every time we sit down to do anything. But if I walk into your living room and Taylor’s sitting on the couch, I sit on the loveseat.” My mind reviewed all the late nights on the bus and how if he was the only other one up, I always retreated to my bunk. “Seriously, you wrap your arms around me and we dance whenever we here a song we like and Zac picks me up and carries me from room to room like I’m some sort of invalid, but with Tay, well, sometimes when he walks in a room, I get up and leave rather than try to make small talk with him. What is wrong with me?”
“I don’t know.” Isaac said thoughtfully as I rolled over onto the ground to do some pushups. “Maybe you’ve always avoided him because deep down you always knew how you felt and it scared you.”
Was that it? Was my almost lifelong reluctance to be close to Taylor a result of my complete and utter fear of discovering I was in love with him. I had truly meant it when I had said his perfection scared me. I had always thought he was the most beautiful human I’d ever seen (but so did almost every other person who met him, seriously, he is just so beautiful). I was always in awe of his talent; he could draw and write, as well as sing like an angel. As a child I was considered a genius and though he was two years younger than me, he stayed right up with me and what I was reading (he actually read and liked Atlas Shrugged. I mean he liked Ayn Rand, no one really liked her, they just read it so they could say they’d read it). He had confessed he’d pushed me out of the tree house on purpose and it hadn’t even made me mad (I realize this happened when I was fourteen and he was twelve, seven long years ago, but really, shouldn’t it have made me a little angry). Had I always known how I felt deep down? Had I never acknowledged my love for him because of something else? Had I been trying to protect Ike? My poor, beloved Ike, he had been devastated to return from Los Angeles to not only find one of his best friends dead, but that I was dating Jarrod. I mean, he was acting like he was over me, but was he? Was it all just an act to make life less awkward? Because, just yesterday morning, this morning also, he had confessed his undying love for me again... Was it really just a habit? Had he truly gotten over me? I just found it hard to believe he would be able to just walk away from me. I must have realized I loved Taylor when I saw him crying the tears I couldn’t. When I look back at that time, I realize even Jarrod knew how I felt, even if I didn’t. Why else was he always so jealous of Taylor? His most potent (and painful) rages always came after we had been with Taylor. Not Isaac. Not Zac. Just Taylor. He had never seen the other two as a threat. But, he had with Taylor. How come I didn’t know? How could I have missed it? Had I been punishing myself all those years (the years of starving myself, the years of blunting my feelings with alcohol), just because I didn’t feel worthy of Taylor... My Lord, if that were true, then I’ve loved Taylor as long as I’ve known him... “Maybe I was afraid of how I’d react if I touched him...” I said collapsing to the ground. I was exhausted (physically and psychically), I didn’t even know if I would be able to stand to walk up to the room. “Ike, I think you may be right.”
“You know, stranger things have happened.” He said standing up. After a moments hesitation he held his hand out for me to grab. I hauled myself off the floor and immediately threw my arms around him. “Uh, Cleo, no offense, but you stink!”
“Now why would being told I stink offend me?” I asked as we headed for the elevator. As we rounded the corner the screaming began, we both jumped caught off guard.
“I have no idea?” Ike said teasing me. “Hey, let’s go up and get in the pool. I know I feel like lying in the sun. And well, you look like you could stand to cool off.”
“Okay,” I said smiling back. For the first time in quite a while, it felt like I meant my smile. We stood waiting for the elevators, Isaac waved to the girls outside eliciting another shriek and yet another wave of flashes popping all around us. I would look beautiful on the Internet tomorrow. Why wasn’t an elevator just waiting like when Taylor and I got back from shopping? Taylor, I had basically blown him off in the elevator on the way back up to the room. My smile quickly slid off my face. “Oh man, I was so mean to Taylor just before I left to go jogging. How can I ask for his forgiveness?”
“Well,
have you ever thought about the words: Please forgive me?” Ike asked shrugging.
“No,
that would be just too easy.” I said shaking my head. “And, I mean that
may not work. It is Tay we’re talking about. He could have very easily
have slipped into Diva Tay.”
“Well, there’s always the option of luring him into your bedroom, throwing him on your bed and ravaging him.” Ike said as we stepped into an empty elevator. “I know for me that an open invitation for sex takes my mind off of trivial things. Of course, you’d want to take a shower first.”
“Ha ha!” I said shaking my head. “No, I think I’ll... I’m at a loss, but I’ll think of something.”