 |
Yellow
I came along,
So then I took my turn,
Your skin
I swam across,
Cos you were all "Yellow,"
Your skin,
Look at the stars,
|
As we walked up to the waiting room on the 5th floor, I realized Ashley was right, it probably was my fault Zac now lay in surgery having his innards vacuumed out. Maybe it was my fault Zac could possibly spend weeks in ICU. Maybe it was all my fault the tour would now have to be postponed and quite possibly canceled. But, it would most definitely be my fault if he died. I stood watching the storm lash the windows of a hospital in Mobile, Alabama, hoping Zac would be alright. I closed my eyes and began to pray like I never had before. My life had basically been destroyed (not to mention the lives of my parents) when Thad died. I didn’t want them to ever feel that sort of pain, to have their lives so completely ripped apart. I don’t know how I survived, but I did and now, I was damaged goods. And to be perfectly honest, I didn’t know if I could survive yet another catastrophic loss. Isaac and Taylor had each other, but I had no one. I had been listening for the last 45 minutes as they argued about who needed to know and what they needed to know, but I didn’t understand their words. I was sucked into their reflections in the glass, I loved them so completely. I wanted to gather their reflections up and hold them tight, never let the pain of the real world in.
I turned back towards everyone standing in a group discussing what should be done, who should call whom. I watched as a still drunk Taylor swayed between Ashley and Isaac. Taylor was obviously in no condition to make a call to his parents. As they were standing there, Jason walked in with a cup of coffee and a donut which he handed to Taylor. Taylor wasn’t the only one with a hangover, but he was the only one who counted. Isaac looked over to where I was standing my Scooby Doo bag slung across my shoulder. He offered me the faintest of smiles. I felt tears in my eyes, were they there because of Zac or because I now knew that Isaac forgave me? I could hear the conversation had turned toward how Diana and Walker should be told. Really, this was my problem. I should have to deal with it. I reached into my messenger bag and pulled out my cellphone. I quickly dialed the oh-so-familiar number and listened as the phone on the other end rang. “Hello?” A sleepy voice mumbled. I turned my back to the group in the middle of the room as she began to speak. I could tell her, just not with them watching me.
“Diana, this is Cleo.” I said leaning my forehead against the cold window. I was so hot the cool glass felt like heaven. I could feel the force of Hurricane Jordan through the glass.
“Cleo?” She asked, I could her rustling as though she were sitting up in bed. “What’s wrong? Is someone hurt?”
“Well, Zac’s sick.” I said barely above a whisper. “His appendix burst, sometime last night. He didn’t tell anyone that he didn’t feel well... And now... It could be bad... He’s in surgery right now...”
“Oh my Lord! My poor baby.” Diana said. I could hear Walker in the background demanding to know what was being said. She moved the phone away from her mouth and she told Walker an abridged and somewhat hysterical version of what I’d just told her. “Where are you?”
“Um, we’re at the Infirmary in Mobile...” I began. The sound of the phone transferring hands interrupted me.
“Cleo, is Isaac or Taylor around?” Walker asked. I turned to see everyone watching me.
“Your Dad wants to talk to one of you.” I said holding my phone out towards them. Ike stepped forward and took the phone. Before he could even say hello, I was out of there. I took off at a dead run through the halls of the hospital. I just wanted to be as far away as possible. As I turned the corner, I heard Taylor call after me. I just didn’t want to deal, so I ducked into the nearest stairwell. I sprinted up to the next landing and sat on the steps where someone from the floor downstairs couldn’t see me. A few moments later, I heard the door open and Taylor calling my name. I sat on the step, my knees hugged to my chest and my head on my knees and listened as the door closed behind him. I just couldn’t deal with him right this minute. I couldn’t deal with much. Honestly, have I ever felt so guilty about any one thing I’ve done in my life? Probably not...
After about an hour of trying not to think, I noticed a familiar ache in my bladder, I had definitely had a lot to drink. I had to go to the bathroom. But the bathroom was outside the comfort of the stairwell. The bathroom was part of the outside world. The world where Taylor Hanson existed. So, now my choices as I saw them were 1) go back out onto the 5th floor and run the risk of seeing Taylor or 2) going out onto the roof and braving the wrath of what was left of hurricane Jordan. The odds for survival were about even. After another ten minutes of contemplation, I opted for the roof. I didn’t mind getting wet, but I couldn’t take another sad soulful look from Taylor. As I pushed the door open, I noticed a plastic wedge I leaned down and firmly forced it under the door. It wouldn’t do to get locked out on the roof in a hurricane.
The moment I was outside, I was soaked through... This couldn’t be good for my cast or my stitches. I was fast at peeing outside ‘cause belonging to one of the largest sororities on campus kind of forced you to be resourceful and with only 6 bathrooms in the entire house and 600 guests at the latest bacchanal, well, you learned to squat quickly in bushes.
Once I was done, I walked over toward the edge of the building. When I moved past the shelter of the enormous air conditioning units, I was almost knocked down by the wind. Wow, this was an amazing storm. I could see the city all around was completely dark. I guess the hospital would have to have generators, cause if the life saving machinery was turned off for any sort of extended period, well, it would no longer be life saving. As I stood with my face turned toward the sky feeling the rain soak through my hair, I thought that yes, this cleansing rain was a much better choice than having to deal with Taylor.
“Hey, who’s up here?” I heard a voice call from the door.
I peaked my head around the corner, not quite sure who it could be only to see a hospital security guard standing in the doorway looking for whoever had propped the door open. “Sorry, I just came up here to escape...”
“Yeah, that happens a lot.” He said as I walked back into the shelter of the doorway. He kicked the wedge loose and made sure the door closed tightly. “So, you got someone in ICU?”
“Yeah, my best friend...” I said shivering. The rain had felt good outside, but in the refrigerated hospital, it was a whole different story.
“Okay, well, if you need to get away, find somewhere else to go, ‘cause when you open this door, it sets off an alarm and I have to come up and find out what’s going on.” He said as he led me down the stairs. “Personally, I like to go look at the newborns...”
“Oh, okay.” I said shivering. My entire body was one enormous goosebump.
“Oh man, you are wet...” He said as he ushered me towards a closet. “Go in there and change into some dry scrubs and I’ll go tell your friends you’re alright. They must be worried about you.”
“I... I don’t know the room number.” I said grateful for his kindness. “I’m with Zac Hanson...”
“Ah, the famous kid...” He said shaking his head. “I’ll go tell the nurse where you are, we are under explicit orders to not bother the family no matter what. I guess they’ve got their own security.”
“Thanks,” I said as the door fell closed. I hurriedly pulled on a pair of blue scrubs, some of those blue surgical slippers and wrapped a blanket around my shoulders. I could feel my wet braid hanging down my back and wished I had both hands so I could take it out and wrap my hair in a towel, but the braid was fine. I was about to shuffle over to the conference room or back into the stairwell, when I noticed a cot set up in the corner. I could lay down in here and avoid both Taylor and Chuck the friendly security guard. I laid down on it and curled up in a tight little ball, my eyes refusing to close. Honestly, I was afraid to close my eyes. Because every time I did, I was assaulted by images of Taylor, Zac, Isaac, Thad...
“But Mom!! I don’t want to spend the whole day with a little boy....” I whined as my mother bundled me up in my coat. I was being sent next door to spend the day at the Hanson’s, something I would usually jump at the chance to do, but not today. Today, I was going to be locked in a room with Taylor.
“Well, honey, I have to go to court and well, Taylor has Chicken Pox too...” My mother said, as we tromped across the lawn. “Now, you be nice to Taylor and good for Diana...”
“Why can’t Thad come too?” I asked as she knocked on the back door.
“Cause honey, he isn’t sick and God help us all if he gets sick...” My mother said ruffling my hair as Diana opened the door. “Here she is. Thank you so much.”
“Oh, it’s nothing....” Diana said smiling a smile that made me feel so important. “Taylor is fairly driving us to distraction, she will be a welcome addition.” I stepped into the kitchen which looked like a bomb had gone off in it. “Cleo, honey, Taylor is in the boys bedroom...”
I dropped my coat on the floor in the kitchen as I ran towards the boys room. I threw the door open to be greeted by a super-skinny Taylor laying on his bed in only pajama bottoms literally covered with little red blisters. “Hey freak!” I said as I kicked some of the stuff on the floor out of my way.
“Hey stupid.” Taylor said as he looked up from where he was picking at his stomach. “What are you doing here?”
“I have to spend the day with you because I have Chicken Pox too.” I said as I flopped onto Zac’s trundle bed. “So, don’t be too annoying...”
“I’m not annoying, you are!” Taylor said sticking his tongue out at me.
“I know you are, but what am I” I said sticking my tongue out at him this time.
“Zac’s the annoying one, he’s the baby...”
“Yes, he is!” I said bursting into peals of giggles. Pretty soon, Taylor and I were sitting on the floor surrounded by Lego’s, building what can only be described as the greatest Lego city ever. We were so comfortable around each other. And our time together seemed to be flying by. After about 2 hours of playing, all the carefully applied calamine lotion had been rubbed off. “Tay, I’m really itchy...”
“Me too.” He said contorting trying to reach a blister in the middle of his back. As we both began to twitch and twist, Diana walked into the room and caught us both scratching.
“Alright, both of you up.” Diana said, reaching down and pulling us both down the hall and into her bedroom. “Clothes off, now.”
“What?” I said pulling my shirt around me tighter.
“Cleo, you heard me.” Diana said in her no-nonsense way. “I told you to strip, you guys are getting into an Aveeno bath. You are itching your blisters way to much.”
“But... but... he’s a boy.” I whispered into her ear.
“Cleo, honey, it’s okay... You can make him close his eyes while you get in the water, but you have to take a bath.... If you keep scratching, you’re going to get scars.” Diana said helping me out of my shirt. She filled the deep bathtub in her room with warm water and Aveeno. Although I was still very self-conscious, I had to admit that the water felt good. Diana was softly washing my hair, being careful to not scrape the scabs in my hair too much when a shriek floated up the stairs, followed by Jessica’s hysterical crying. “Oh dear, I’ll be right back....”
“Oh man,” Taylor said. “I can’t believe she left us.”
“Me neither...” I said pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs.
“Cleo, have you ever been in love?” Taylor asked.
“No, of course not.” I said laughing at his question. I was just barely 11, who would I have been in love with. “Have you?”
“There could be a person...” Taylor said sliding under the water. His blonde hair floated to the surface. He sat back up and looked at me with his eyes of the most amazingly clear gray. I reached for the bowl Diana had been using to pour water over my head. “Cleo, are you getting boobs?”
“What?”
“You are!!” He said clutching at his sides laughing hysterically. “You’re gonna have to wear a shirt this summer... No more skins for Cleo....”
“Shut up.” I said my lip jutting out. I was seriously upset. Just then Diana walked back into the bathroom a squirming Jessica on her hip. “You are so mean, Jordan Taylor Hanson.”
“Am not!”
“Are too.” I said crossing my arms across my chest and turning my back to him. I didn’t want to grow up. I didn’t want to be different from my boys and yet, the inevitable was happening. I could feel hot tears burning my eyes.
“I am not!” Taylor protested again.
“What’s going on?” Diana asked sitting on the toilet again and beginning to pour water over my head again. Jessica sitting on the floor of the bathroom blissfully playing with some bath toys.
“Nothing.” I said sulking.
“She’s mad at me, but what I said was true.” Taylor protested.
“What did you say?” Diana asked, holding a huge warm towel out for me. I stepped out of the tub and she wrapped her arms around me rubbing the water off of me.
“I just said that she was getting boobs...”
“Jordan Taylor Hanson!” Diana said in a very stern voice.
“What? She is!” Taylor said emphatically as I hurried and pulled on my clothing in the other room.
“Taylor, honey, that is something that embarrasses Cleo when you talk about it.” Diana said in a quiet soothing voice. “Cleo’s body is going through a lot of changes and she is very self-conscious.”
“But, mom...” Taylor whined as only an almost 9 year old boy can.
“Don’t “but mom” me...” Diana said. “Taylor, Cleo is going through something very hard and semi-scary. And if you love her, you won’t bring it up and make her even more embarrassed. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, mama.” Taylor said knowing he had been defeated.
“Okay, so now, since we all love Cleo, we’re going to be nice and sweet and not embarrass her, right?”
“Yes, mama.” Taylor said quietly. “We all love Cleo...”
My eyes flew open as the memory finished playing itself out. Had an eight year old Taylor been trying to tell me something? No, there was no way that almost eleven years ago Taylor had been planning his descent on me. Taylor and I had been so close, I had loved him so much... When did everything change? My mind slowly wandered toward the part of my brain that was permanently closed down. The memories stored behind the guard towers and razor wire scared me. Whenever I felt one trying to escape, I stopped it any way I could. Sarcasm was the head guard, with his barbed cat o’nine tails wit. He was joined by an acid tongue and a frosty heart. And if he failed to protect me, I had found that alcohol is a great guardian. And if these both proved ineffective, I could always rely on the good old stalwart, sleep. But right now, I was defenseless. All my defense systems had abandoned me and I found the unthinkable standing behind my eyes. Playing out scenes I didn’t want to remember.
“Mom, I need your help...” I said to my mother as she scurried past my room wearing only a black bra and slip.
“Cleo, can’t you deal with it yourself?” My mother said over her shoulder. “Don’t you think I have enough to do today without having to stop and braid your hair?”
“Okay Mommy...” I said as I sank to the floor at the foot of my bed. I was having trouble breathing again. The doctor at the hospital had given my mother a prescription of Xanax for me and I had been taking them faithfully since we had left the hospital... I can still feel my mothers ice cold hands on my face as she looked into my eyes. “Cleo, I have some really bad news...” And I had known, at that moment I had known nothing would ever be the same. I lay on the floor at the end of my bed feeling the quickly becoming all-too-familiar black wave of panic wash over me. I needed another Xanax, but I couldn’t move. I lay perfectly still hoping the Persian rug I was laying on would swallow me whole. I lay so still that even the dust motes floating in the small patch of sunshine had stopped swimming through the air.
“Cleo!” My mother yelled as she walked by my room again, but this time dressed in a very expensive black suit. “Why are you doing this to me? Get off the floor! Don’t you think I have enough to deal with?”
“Sorry...” I said my eyes tracing the Christmas lights Thad and I had hung only 5 days earlier with Ike and Jarrod. Oh God, Thad.... Why had he died? How was I supposed to do anything without him? Where was I supposed to find the strength to go to his funeral? What was I going to do? I slowly sat up and tried to pull the brush through my hair that fell to my knees...
For years, Thad had been the person who brushed and then braided my hair, our father was always gone and our mother was always too busy. So one hot afternoon, Diana had sat me and Thad down on the steps of their deck and had shown him how to braid my hair. So now, I was sitting on my bedroom floor trying to get ready for Thad’s funeral and I couldn’t find anyone to help me brush my too long hair. I was so tired and I couldn’t breathe, so I just gave in and laid down.
I turned my head and under my bed was a pair of pinking shears. The exact same pair my mother had thrown a fit over just 4 days before, calling Thad and I irresponsible. She was so mad at us she almost didn’t let us go to the river with the Hanson’s for their bon voyage party. With enormous effort, I reached out and grabbed the silver shears. I reached up and pulled a huge chunk of my hair in front of my face and cut it off. I hauled myself into a sitting position and pulled the other side forward and cut off my hair at what I hoped was the same length. And then did the same in the back. Once I was done, I laid back down on a bed of my hair. I would get up and get dressed in a minute. If only I could breathe....
There was a soft knock at the door. “Cleo, can I come in?” Taylor asked.
“Sure.” I said looking up at him. I was dressed only in my bra, panties and black nylons, but I didn’t care.
“Your Mom said you might need help.” Taylor said as he walked into my room and squatted down next to me. “Cleo, are you sure you’re okay?”
“Tay, can you get me one of the pills on the sink in my bathroom?” I said. He walked into the bathroom between mine and Thad’s rooms and came back with a glass of water and a pill. I pulled myself up to a sitting position and Taylor dropped the glass of water.
“Oh my God, Cleo!” Taylor said dropping to his knees next to me and grabbing at the hair fanned around me. “What did you do?”
“I don’t know... I think I cut my hair...” I said looking up at him. I reached up to where my hair should have been. “Oh God! Tay, I cut my hair...” My voice began to climb edging up and over the brink of hysteria. “Taylor, I cut off all my hair.” I began grabbing at the piles of curly hair on the floor and tried willing it back into place.
“Cleo... Cleo!” Taylor said trying to grab my frantic hands. “Cleo, calm down. Calm down.” I looked into his face, his blue eyes filled with tears.
“Tay, my hair.” I said dissolving into sobs. “My hair....”
“Cleo, it’ll grow back.” Taylor said as he enveloped me into a hug. “Oh my poor, poor Cleo... What are you going to do?” He softly ran his hands through my now shoulder length hair. “I love you so much.... Oh Cleo... If only I could take your pain away...”
“Taylor... I think I’m dying...” I sobbed. He sat on the floor next to me and pulled me into his lap, he rocked me gently back and forth. His hand moved around in the mess of hair on the floor until he found my brush. He gently began to pull the brush through my hair. “You have to fix my hair... You have to put it back...”
“Cleo, I can’t... It’s gone...” Taylor said holding me as tightly as he could. “It’s all gone...”
“Taylor, go find Thad...” I wailed. Taylor just held me, his hands so soft and gentle on my face. I felt him kick out his foot and seconds later I heard my bedroom door slam shut.
“Cleo, I can’t find Thad...”
“Taylor, you have to find Thad, he can fix this...” I sobbed.
“Cleo, he’s dead.” Taylor said softly.
“Now who will love me?” I asked, clinging to him as though my entire existence was based on his solidity.
“I will always love you.” Taylor said tipping my head up towards his. His cheeks were wet with tears. “I have always and will always love you. Do you understand?” I nodded my head. “I mean it, I love you....” He leaned forward and planted the softest, sweetest kiss on my lips I had ever had. I reached up and put my hands on either side of his face and pulled him back down to me. This time as out lips met, I kissed him with a desperation. I needed him, I needed him to love me. I needed. And he was the only one who could fill my need.
I blinked, tears were running down my cheeks, thankful the hated memory of the worst day of my existence had fled back into it’s protected corner of my mind. Still, I couldn’t deny Taylor had come to me and given me something I needed: love. And I had given him the only thing I had to give him in return. I gave him me, as damaged and fragmented as I was. I gave him my body. But more importantly, I gave him my soul. That afternoon as I tried to make enough sense out of my world to even put on clothing, he came and spoke soft truths to me. Whispered words of love into my ears. Some might say that he took advantage of me and my grief. Still others would say I used him to banish my grief, to fill the hole Thad left. But really, at the time it happened, it was out of pure love.
How could I have missed all this? Why was I doing this to myself? I knew he loved me, why couldn’t I accept it? It's as if when Thad died, I couldn't let anyone who really cared about me in. Jarrod was safe. I knew I didn’t love him and I was pretty sure he didn’t love me. Jarrod was someone who could (and often did) remind me I wasn't as good as Thad, even though we were as identical as we could be, we were not equal in the eyes of the world. You can say I’m just paranoid, but I’m not. Thad was the most loved golden child and I was his too smart sister. To almost everyone, we were Thad and Cleo, two in the same. Never, ever separate. But to Taylor we were two people. Cleo first, and then Thad. Even to my mother it was Thad and Cleo, but Taylor, Isaac, Zac... They always knew. We were two people.
Why did I always avoid Taylor? Why didn’t I ever run up to him and throw myself into his arms? Why didn’t I just give in and love him? Because, he had already broken my heart. Pure and simple. I was prepared to not care what anyone thought. I was prepared to be in love with him. Let the world know, that yes, I was in love with Taylor Hanson. But, after I gave myself to him, he never called. Maybe the reason I ignored it, was because he never called. I had given him the most essential piece of my being I had to give and he had not thought enough about it to even pick up the phone and call me. As he watched my house that cold February afternoon, I had thought my gift had meant nothing to him. But in retrospect, he was a scared 13 year old boy, unsure of how to react to me, but at that time, I couldn’t see that. So, I had frozen him out of my life.