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The Man with the Child in His Eyes
I hear him, before I go to sleep
Nobody knows about my man.
Ooh, he's here again,
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As I laid there I wondered if Zac was out of surgery yet. If the infection had indeed reached his heart. Having a father who is a surgeon, I knew a little bit about appendicitis and emergency appendectomies. In retrospect, it was obvious to me what was wrong. The stomach ache, the nausea, the spiking fever. Why hadn't I insisted that he go to the doctor? I mean, he had taken almost a whole bottle of Advil in 3 days. So, his appendix probably burst right around the time Tay and I started drinking...
Tay, now there was a whole new problem. What was I going to do about Taylor? I could never take back what we did. Just as I could never undo what was done six years ago, I was now stuck with new memories of Taylor that would haunt me. I felt really sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears... I had messed up a lot lately. Ashley was right. Maybe I needed to go home. But really, all of this had become complicated when we had gone out on the road without Diana and Walker and their ever vigilant watchfulness. See, it was my fault. In my head, I was formulating a plan. A plan that involved me going back to the hotel and getting my things and hitchhiking back to Tulsa.
I don't know how long I had been laying in the closet when the door squeaked open. Sue walked in. “Cleo, honey, are you okay?”
“Yeah, I'm just resting in here.”
“Well, Zac is out of surgery...” Sue said in one of the most soothing voices I've ever heard. Her voice reminded me of Diana's, it sounded like soft kisses on scraped knees.
“Really?” I asked sitting up. “How is he?”
“He's gonna be fine. The infection was pretty pervasive, but his heart appears to be undamaged. Only time will tell, but he appears to be out of immediate danger.” Sue said as she walked over and sat next to me on the bed. “You know, you can stay in here if you like.”
“Maybe I should go back and see how Tay and Ike are.” I said quietly, struggling to stand up.
“They're fine.” Sue said, gently smoothing back my hair. She looked like Nurse Ratchet, but she was as gentle as could be. “In fact, the cute one, he's been asleep for awhile. And the older one isn't far behind... Zac is one lucky boy, another hour or two and well...”
“Yeah, I don't know how lucky he is.” I said softening as she gently pushed me back against the pillow. “I should have insisted he see a doctor when he first got sick.”
“You couldn't have known.” She said smiling at me, stroking my face, my arms, my hands. Her touch as light as a feather, she was trying to put me to sleep.
“I could have known...I'm supposed to know these things...I'm PAID to know these things…"
"Unless you have X-ray vision, you couldn't have known."
"But I do...SuperCleo, that's me..."
"SuperCleo, huh?"
"Yes...damn that kryptonite..."
"Cleo, honey, try to get some rest. And, if you need anything, just let me know. I don't think it'd be safe for you to be wandering around the hospital..."
"Okay," I said my eyes dropping shut. I heard Sue stand and walk out of the room, switching off the light. I cracked an eye open after I was sure Sue had left. At this point in time, there was no way in hell I was going to sleep, so I scuttled farther back in the closet and pushed a few doctor's coats in front of me. This is really rather cozy, I thought to myself. Just add in a refrigerator, television, and a bathroom and I'll never have to leave. And I'll have the safety of never, ever having to run into someone of the Hanson persuasion in here. "I now declare this… Cleo Land," I said softly, swinging a stethoscope around in the air. I began to root around in the drawers finding all sorts of toys... Well, technically, I guess they are called instruments. Scratch needing the television. Automatic entertainment right here. As I lay on the cot, I planned my escape route. I would go back to the hotel while everyone was here, pack my stuff and be gone before anyone realizes. The end of the stethoscope flew off of the tube and whacked me in the forehead. "Ow!"
"Cleo? Is that you?" Damn. Damn, damn, damny damn. Taylor knocked on the closet door. I scooted farther back in the closet and spread coats again, hoping to cover myself well enough he wouldn't find me. The door creaked open, and two huge feet appeared in front of my nose on the floor. "Cleo…I know you're in here…"
I rolled my eyes. The layer of coats covering me was pushed away, revealing Taylor standing above me. I waved the stethoscope tube at him. "They don't quite make them like they used to."
He plopped down on the floor beside me, raising a huge dust cloud. I sneezed. More than once. "Sorry," he said sheepishly. "So… about last ni-"
"Have you ever wondered how stethoscopes work?" I asked, waving the tube around again.
"Cleo…"
"No, really. It's just a piece of plastic…or is it?" He grabbed the tube out of my hand and threw it across the closet. It hit the wall with a satisfying smack. "What did the tube do to you?"
"Cleo…shut up." I glared at him. "Are we going to talk about last night or are we going to pretend it didn't happen like last time?" He asked, a serious look on his face.
"All in favor of pretending it didn't happen say 'Aye'…"
"Cleo…" he said again, a pained look on his face.
"Aye."
"Cleo!"
"Well, that settles it. All the important people have voted."
"Cleo."
"Taylor…do we have to do this now?" I asked quietly, fiddling with a loose string on the hem of my shirt.
"When are we going to do it? In another six years?"
I closed my eyes and leaned against the wall. Oh yeah, he's never, ever mentioned what happened the day of Thad’s funeral before, but after last night... All bets are off. "I…I don't really remember last night…" I said, blocking out Taylor's expression.
"You…you don't?" he asked. He sounded hurt.
The truth is, I remembered all of it. Every second of it…from the way Taylor was so gentle before to his sweet smell during to the way he held me after. He was the lover Jarrod could have never been. He was the man Jarrod could never be. He was my first lover and I loved him. Honestly, I loved him completely. But… I wished I couldn't remember. I wish I could forget. "No…no, I don't remember any of it…" I lied.
"Oh," he whispered.
Okay, when I open my eyes, Taylor will be gone and this awkward scene will not have happened. "Poof!" I whispered as I opened my eyes.
Taylor was still sitting there. Awkward moment had still happened. Only now Taylor was looking at me as if I had an arm growing out of my forehead. "Did you just say 'poof'?"
"No…of course not…" I squeezed my eyes closed again. "Poof!"
"Stop saying poof!"
"Who died and made you the Vocabulary King?"
"Zac wants to see you," Taylor said quickly.
I stared at him. My jaw moved but no sounds came out. I think I was incapable of speech. "Wh…what?"
"Zac. He's awake. And he wants to see you," he repeated sullenly. "That's why I was sent to find you. So you can see Zac..."
"I… I can't," I said, staring at my hands.
"What? Why not?"
"Taylor…if Zac dies, its all MY fault!"
"He isn't going to die."
"But he could. And it would be my fault."
"Zac is NOT going to die," he said firmly.
"If he does-"
"HE'S NOT!" I glanced quickly at him, to see what had brought on this sudden roar of words. His normally bright blue eyes had a slight glaze over them and were more than a little bloodshot. His porcelain cheeks had been transformed into two ruddy red circles. His chest rose and fell quickly with rasping breaths. "Zac is NOT going to die…do you hear me?" he demanded. "He's NOT!"
I studied my hands a little more. If I become really dedicated to this hand thing, I bet I could make an occupation of it. An extra hand added to the collection piling on my lap. Unless I've sprouted another arm without my knowing, the intruder belonged to Taylor. I shivered as the hand slipped off of my sleeve and touched my skin. Ice cold prickles formed throughout my body. Yep…definitely a Taylor hand.
"He won't die," he said again.
"Are you trying to reassure me or you?"
"Both." We sat in silence next to each other, listening to the bustle of the hospital outside of the closet. Shoes squeaked, machines beeped, voices chimed, and I was spared any news of Zac for a few precious seconds longer. Taylor gently laid his head on my shoulder, sighing softly. His fingers laced in mine over the hard purple cast on my left arm. I could feel his body shaking gently with his crying. I reached up and patted his wet cheek, running my fingers through his hair. He felt so small and sad. I turned my head and kissed his forehead. He smelled so sweet, I loved him so much, I couldn't imagine not being able to smell him everyday... He slid his head down into my lap, much like Zac had two days before. Taylor curled up in a ball and wrapped his hands in my shirt, dissolving into body shaking sobs. Slowly the sobs tapered off and he rolled over onto his back. I ran my fingers over his blotchy cheeks. “Not my most manly performance...” He said.
I laughed softly. “I wouldn't say that... Remember when you broke your arm.”
“Hey, it really hurt.” He said sitting up. “And you would probably cry if you broke... Oh that's right, you didn't cry when you broke your leg... Even with that pointy bone sticking out of your thigh...”
“It's okay,” I said, smoothing my newly dampened shirt. “You didn't have your superpowers yet... You weren't Super Taylor, rock star extraordinaire yet.”
“Ha! Ha!” Taylor said as he stood up a bit shakily and looked down at me. "Come on, Cleophus. Time to go visit my darling baby brother."
I shook my head fiercely. "Nope. Nuh uh. Not happening."
"Don't be stubborn about this. You're going."
"Um…let me think about this…no."
"Don't make me have to use force."
"Psh. You and what army, stick boy?"
"Me and this army," he said, flexing slightly.
I raised an eyebrow at him. "I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover."
"No…you killed them a few years ago. Remember? You kept tripping on their ears."
"Oh yeah…" I chuckled softly. "They sure did make a great bonfire, though."
His fingers rested on my head, making swirling patterns in my hair. "We need to go rejoin civilization, Cleo…"
"I bet we could make our own civilization here…screw the world."
"You don't mean that." He continued playing with the top of my hair.
"Yeah I do."
"As much as the option of starting our own civilization appeals to me, Zac is going to kill me if I don't bring you to see him in the next thirty seconds."
I crossed my arms in front of my chest and made an intimidating face towards Taylor. "Try and make me." Taylor sighed. He leaned down and wormed his hands between my arms. If I didn't know any better, I'd think Taylor was just trying to get a quick feel. His fingers dug into my sides and wiggled around on my flesh. I can't believe he's tickling me. "No!" I shrieked, squirming. "Taylor, stop it! Stop it!" I flailed my arms and legs out, laughing hysterically, tears streaming down my cheeks. He relinquished his hold on me, and pulled up my weak and still shaking with a combination of laughter and tears body and collected me in his arms. I don't know what it was about the Hanson boys, but they always wanted to carry me. Not that I minded all that much.... "Bastard…" I laughed. I'm sure Taylor and I were quite a sight to behold as he carried me down the hospital hallway to Zac’s room. I was folded in his arms like a small child, still trembling from the aftermath of the tickling, tear streaks running down my face, calling Taylor every vulgar name in the book, and inventing quite a few.
Calling someone a 'mother frinker' is quite refreshing. You should try it sometime.
I do think a part of me snapped in that closet. The one part of me that remained calm through all the shitty things in my life…the one thread of sanity I had…has now been shredded by the berserk blender called life. Taylor set me gently on my feet outside the door and held me by the shoulders as I let out the last of my hearty chuckles and wiped the remaining remnants of tears from my cheeks. "I'm going to let you get control of yourself," he said sternly, "and then we'll go in and see him. Okay?"
I nodded meekly. "Heil, Taylor!" I said, tapping my heels together.
"Oh God. I've created a monster." He grabbed my hand and pulled me quickly into the room.
White. That was the first thing I saw. The walls were white, the sheets on the bed were white, the florescent light bulb washed out the gray carpet and made it appear white. And Zac’s face was definitely white. A chair scraped across the linoleum of the floor. I saw Isaac standing up and offering his hand towards me. As I stared at his hand, I noticed that his arm was shaking. I numbly accepted his hand, and he pulled me closer to Zac’s bed. "You can sit here for a while," he whispered to me. I felt Ashley's hard gaze on me as I leaned towards Zac. "Hello, you," I whispered to him. "I was told you wanted to see me…usually you'd be on a 6 month waiting list to see me, so you better open your eyes and take advantage of this opening in my schedule.”
"You were in a closet, Cleo," Zac’s voice croaked, his eyes still closed.
"Yes, but it was a very comfortable closet."
He opened an eye. A bloodshot tan eye stared at me. "Don't you think it's time you came out of the closet, Cleophus?"
I snorted, and Zac opened both eyes, smirking at me. "Screw you, Zac."
"Be careful…she just might…" Ashley muttered from his corner of the room.