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Waiting for my man
I'm waiting for my man
Here he comes, he's all dressed in black
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“Zac, don’t take this wrong but, you look like shit!” I said as I leaned over him and planted a kiss on his forehead. “How are you feeling?”
“Quite honestly, like I have a 10 inch hole in my gut.” Zac said trying to smile and not quite pulling it off. His voice slid over the language, moving from word to word lazily. He was the one who sounded drunk now.
“Good, cause you do.” I sat down on the chair that was still warm from Ike sitting in it.
“Want to see my staples?” Zac slurred, his eyes blinking slowly.
“Sure,” I said standing back up and lifting up the blankets.
Taylors hand came down on the sheet pinning it to the bed. “Okay, Zac, you are aware that you are naked, right?” Taylor asked.
“Yeah, so?” Zac said, a little too cavalier. “It’s not like she’s never seen male genitalia...”
At that precise moment, I had four sets of male eyes glued to my face. All four of them were waiting for my reaction and at this point any reaction would be wrong for at least one of them. “You know what Zac?” I said. “I’m really not all that eager to see your... staples.”
“That’s not what you said the other night...” Zac said. Each time he blinked, it took so long for him to reopen his eyes. His pupils looked like dinner plates. This boy was stoned. My God, what did they knock him out with? Sodium Pentathol? “In fact, you were actually anxious to see my... staples.”
“Ha, ha... Very funny.” I said rolling my eyes. My eyes met Taylor’s across the bed, I tried to smile, but I could see the sad, soulful look in his eyes. “I have no idea what you’re talking about....”
“Yeah, you do.” Zac said.
“No Zac, I don’t. I think the anesthesia has made you delusional.” I said catching movement from Ashley’s corner of the room. I leaned forward to plant another kiss on his forehead, when I felt a hand clamp down onto my arm just above the purple cast, hard. “Ow! Let go.”
“Cleo, I’d like to talk to you.” Ashley said yanking on my very recently broken arm none-too-gently. “Alone.”
“Ashley, anything you have to say to Cleo, you can say in front of us.” Taylor said reaching across the bed and grabbing my hand, my none broken hand. Oh great, now I was about to become a human wishbone. Who was stronger? Did it matter? Cause this was going to hurt regardless of who won.
“Tay, I don’t think you want to hear this...” Ashley said, his grip tightening. I would definitely have a bruise there.
“No, really.” Tay said.
“She is our employee...” Zac said, struggling to sit up. Trying to come to my rescue, my sweet, beautiful angel...
“Okay...” Ashley said. “Cleo, go back to the hotel and pack your stuff. You’re going back to Tulsa...today.”
“What?” I basically knew this was coming, but I still didn’t want to hear it.
“You can’t fire her...” Taylor began.
“Ashley, do we have to do this now?” Ike said his head in his hands. All three of them looked so tired. Ike’s entire posture screamed exhaustion and defeat.
“Taylor do I look stupid? After I tell your parents about last night... Well, they’ll fire her...” Ashley said, letting go of my arm.
“What about last night? I got drunk. Period. End of story.” Taylor said.
“Do you honestly believe I don’t know what happened last night?” Ashley asked a bemused expression on his face. He shook his head in wonder.
“What happened?” Ike said his head shooting up. “Cleo, what happened last night? Tay?”
I turned to see tears swimming in Isaac’s eyes. Oh yeah, break his heart just a little bit more. The pieces just weren’t small enough yet, let me get out my mortar and pestle and make sure I’ve ground his heart into little glitter sized specks. “Ash, maybe we better discuss this in the hall...” I said trying to twist my hand away from Taylor. I looked at Taylor and he had a grim expression on his face and a deathgrip on my hand. What was he afraid of....
“No, tell me what happened...” Ike said looking between Taylor and I. Okay, I could tell from his crestfallen expression that he had a pretty good idea what had happened. And I could also tell from the look he was giving me that he no longer was in a very forgiving mood. Man, I may have made a truly bad choice...
“Nothing...” I said shooting Tay a look of death. “Nothing at all...” Ashley grabbed my arm again and yanked. Tay still had a really tight grip on my right hand. Ashley wasn’t going to give up, so he grabbed me and pulled as hard as he could. Good thing we were already in the hospital, cause I think he just dislocated both my shoulders. “Okay, I’m coming!” I said as I pulled my hand out of Taylors. We walked to the windows at the end of the hall and stood there bathed in an uncomfortable silence. I could tell Ashley was dying to just rip into me. What did he want from me? Why was he so angry with me? Honestly, how was I supposed to react to his anger? Well, here goes nothing.... “Okay, what do you want? Do you want me to quit?”
“Actually, no...” Ashley said a crooked smile on his lips. “I’m looking forward to telling Diana and Walker about last night...”
“Why?” I asked, rubbing my arm from Ashley’s grip on my arm. There was already a bruise forming. “Why do you want to do that? Can’t you see it’ll hurt everyone involved? And who’s to say that anything happened? At least anything that is any of your business...”
“Cleo, it’s all over.” Ashley said, turning toward the window, watching the trees bend in the punishing wind. He ran his hands through his hair, before turning back towards me. “It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened last night... You were wearing the shirt Tay had on yesterday, Tay’s wearing one of your t-shirts...”
“That could be explained in any number of ways...” I said leaning against the wall. Suddenly the pattern in the tile on the floor was the most interesting thing I’d ever seen. “So tell me, what do you think happened...”
“Cleo, you got Taylor drunk then fucked his eyes out, that’s what happened... But isn’t that what always happens with him when you need rescuing? ” Ashley said through clenched teeth. “Honestly, I protested when you were hired. And this latest episode is enough to get your ass fired!”
My head snapped up and my hand shot out and grabbed the front of Ashley’s t-shirt. “Don’t ever talk about Taylor and I like that!” I said. “Don’t you get it? No, of course you don’t get it... I love him...”
“Sure you do...” Ashley snorted. “That’s why I saw Zac leaving your room at 7:30 yesterday morning... Did you get him drunk as well?”
“What?” I asked incredulous.
“Who’s better in bed, Zac or Tay?” He said in a voice so thick with venom it was almost lethal.
“Zac just slept in my room. Absolutely nothing happened.”
“Oh, so you’re admitting you slept with Taylor.”
“No.”
“Now why don’t I believe you?”
“I don’t know...” I said shrugging. I really don’t know why he didn’t believe me. I had never lied to him before, why would I start now. Of course, I was lying about what had happened between Taylor and I, but really, we were both adults, weren’t we allowed to make our own decisions?
“Cleo, I’ve known you as long as I’ve known the Hanson family and I’ve never trusted you. You always were a trouble maker and now, I will not stand by and watch you pull a Yoko on these guys.” Ashley said. “You know, sometimes there are people who get reputations they don’t deserve and other times, they earn them...”
“Ashley, what are you talking about?”
“Hey, all of the stories traded by the congregation can’t be wrong.”
“What?”
“Diana always defended you, she always said you were just misunderstood, having a hard time living in Thad’s shadow... Then, she attributed your behavior to the guilt of being alive when Thad had died...” Ashley said stepping into my personal space. I backed up until I was flat against the wall. “Now, she will see you for who you really are.”
“And who am I really?”
“You are a sneaky, dishonest slut.” Ashley said, putting both his hands on my already sore shoulders. As his fingers bit into my flesh, I thought he was actually going to shake me. “You are hateful and hurtful and don’t care at all about their career! As long as you are happy, then the rest of the world can go get bent...”
“Ashley,” I said putting my hands on his chest and trying to push him away. He was actually intimidating me. “Why do you hate me? What did I ever do to you?”
“Oh, I don’t hate you... I actually feel sorry for you, the best part of you died six years ago.” Ashley said. Holy shit! He was going for the jugular. I felt all my breath leave my body in a whoosh. I grabbed handfuls of his shirt in both of my fists as I felt my knees sag. I would have preferred he slap me or slug me to what he’d just said to me. Did he really think that Thad was the best thing about me? Did he think that I deserved to die? How could I let him hurt me so much? Why was I still so defenseless whenever Thad’s name was mentioned? The very thought of Thad knocked the air out of me, drained all strength from my bones and left me a quivering mass. Whenever anyone brought him up, I was basically an open wound. I felt tears heating up, but I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I couldn’t let him know just how badly he had hurt me. “Really, Cleo, I don’t hate you, I just hate to see you lying to everyone.”
“What have I been lying about?” I asked. I was totally at a loss, where did all this anger come from.
“Everything...” Ashley turned and headed back towards the conference room. “So, what were you going to wait until Emory arrived before you sank your claws into Ike?”
“Why are you saying this to me?” I said.
“Because for years and years, I’ve watched you hurt all three of them.” Ashley said. “Actually, I take that back. I do hate you. I didn’t before, but now... You are a hateful, mean, spiteful user. You just use the people around you until they’ve served your twisted purpose and then you discard them...”
“No, you’ve got me wrong...”
“Do I?” Ashley said. “That’s why you let Tay fuck you on the day of Thad’s funeral and then just moved on to Jarrod?”
“How do you know about that?”
“Tay came to me, heartbroken and sobbing when they first got back from LA...” Ashley said moving back and forth between me and the window. “And to be perfectly honest, he isn’t the only Hanson you’ve made cry... Well, he made me promise to never tell anyone what had happened... He was so sad for so long... His mother was even considering counseling...”
“I never knew...” I stammered. “I thought he didn’t care...”
“Yeah, well, he did...” Ashley said the steam seeming to go out of him. “I’ve kept your dirty little secret long enough. After last night, I’m telling Walker and Diana everything.”
“Ash, I promise you I haven’t done anything wrong. Please don’t tell Walker and Diana, please...” I said moving to follow him. “I didn’t set out to fall in love with Taylor....”
“Love? You love Tay?” Ashley asked. “Do you even know what love is?”
“Yes...” I said angrily wiping the traitorous tears from my cheeks.
“Now, I find that hard to believe.” Ashley sneered at me. “You’ll have to do more than shed a few tears for me to think you are sincere...”
“I don’t have to do anything...” I said sliding down the wall till I was sitting. “I don’t have to prove anything to you... Your opinion does not figure into this...”
“Whatever you say...” He said as he walked through the door into the conference room. “Maybe you ought to have a long hard look at yourself... Think of a defense for later, when Walker and Diana arrive....”
So, there I sat just thinking. Thinking about what had happened. It had been a really bad week... A truly bad week. I mean truly bad. I leaned my head back against the wall and turned my face towards the window. I took a deep breath and let go of all the hurt, all the surprise and all the anger in one harsh sob. But I was only allowing myself the one. I choked back the powerful sobs, my body wracking. I leaned my head against my knees and hooked my arms under my knees and began to rock slowly back and forth. My tears just slowly slid down my cheeks. The sky had lightened and the storm seemed to be abating. I had called Diana and Walker about 5 hours ago... They would probably be here in 8 or 9 hours. So, I had about that long to come up with some sort of an excuse for my behavior. Why, oh why, didn’t I think before I acted?
As I sat there, I watched as the blue in the sky became more than just a spot on the horizon. I noticed that the traffic lights were now blinking red, yellow and green. I saw people scurrying about picking up the debris strewn up and down the streets. The stores across the street from the hospital opened one after another. The world was waking and moving on. I sat and just slowly rocked back and forth my arm hooked under my legs and my cheek resting on my knee. I was so sad. How could the world be moving on. The world should stop, hold still, cease until we knew Zac was going to be alright. The ICU is an unnaturally quiet place. Even as the ward got busier, people still walked on tiptoes and whispered to one another. I heard doors opening and closing up and down the halls. I heard machines beep and whoosh with oxygen. And when it got really, really quiet, I could hear the voices of the boys I love emanating from the room right behind me.
And then, I watched as slowly the girls gathered. First there were four girls who climbed out of a van laden with flowers, stuffed animals and a huge sign. These girls were quickly joined by another group of girls. And then another. And another.... Soon, there were about 70 girls standing in front of the hospital. How did they find out so quickly?
“Miss?” Someone said behind me. I looked up and friendly security guy Chuck was standing behind me holding an armload of gifts. “What should I do with these?”
“Um...” I said. “You can leave them here with me. I’ll take them in to Zac in a little while.”
“Okay,” He said setting what he was holding at my feet. An orderly pushed a cart up and parked it against the wall in front of me. I could see the cards, flowers, stuffed animals, banners and pretty much anything else the fans had managed to gather together. Zoë would be very happy when she got her and saw all of the booty she had to go through. Oh, and there were a ton of Lego’s, Mac would be happy as well. I should have gotten up right then and dealt with the gifts, but instead I turned my head back towards the window and curled back into a ball. Maybe the armadillo has the right idea, if I curled up tight enough nothing could get to me. I heard the door behind me open slowly. In that brief moment, I heard Zac’s voice and Taylor and Isaac’s laughter. My realization from earlier this morning suddenly rang true. No matter how much Taylor confessed to love me, he would always have this... This love and complete acceptance from his brothers. What made me think Taylor could ever love me?
“Cleo,” Sue said as she came and squatted next to me. “Can I get you anything?”
“Naw, I’m okay.” I said looking up. “I was just thinking I wanted to go back to the hotel.”
“Well, if you need my car, let me know...” Sue said smoothing back my hair. “Maybe you should go back to the hotel and get some sleep.”
“Maybe,” I said as she stood back up. “I’m not really very tired.”
“Okay,
just let me know.” Sue said as she began to walk down the hall.
“I’m running downstairs to grab some food, can I get you something?”
I shook my head no. “I’ll be back to get the gifts in just a minute.
Are you sure you don’t want any food?” I shook my head, I really
wasn’t hungry. “Okay, but never say I didn’t offer.” And with
that, she was gone. I was sitting by myself in front
of
the floor to ceiling windows.
In the corner, I noticed a tiny, almost translucent spider spinning an amazingly intricate web. It crossed and recrossed it’s delicate silk threads, weaving a web that made perfect sense to it, but looked random to my eyes. As I watched the small spider scurrying about, I wondered what it hoped to catch in it’s web? It seemed too small to hope for a fly, but what else? It had created this amazing, beautiful, useless web. I also had woven a deliberate and intricate web, not really knowing what I was expecting to catch.
With my cheek resting on my knees, I felt my chest slowly tightening. I was heading straight toward a panic attack. I needed a Xanax.