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Shotgun Down
The Avalanche
I'm riding shotgun down the avalanche
So be quiet tonight the stars shine bright
I love you so much and it's so bizarre
Sometimes you make me lose my will to live
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So, I sat in front of the windows.
And I fought back the feeling of complete panic that was gripping my heart. I tried to breath deeply, to think of the things I loved, to relax. I could feel my toes and fingers curling and cramping. Every muscle in my body was tense. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on my heart and it's constant beating. Or racing as it was doing right now. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack soon. The last time I felt like this was the day of Thad’s funeral. I tried willing my heart to stop. But it just wasn't working. I tried willing Taylor to walk out of Zac’s room. But my psychic powers were suspiciously low. I tried thinking of something completely different. But really, the Hanson family had been such a huge part of my consciousness for so long, they were even in my drifting non thoughts. And it appeared that sometime in the last 24 hours someone had tattooed an image of Taylor Hanson onto my eyelids, whenever I closed my eyes, he was there. I felt like I was being buried beneath an avalanche of memories and they all involved a Hanson in some way.
So, I waited for the memories to melt around me.
And I sat. I watched as the sun slowly moved across the sky. It hardly seemed possible that the world was continuing on it's usual journey across a cloudless blue sky, but it was. I had hard evidence to that fact. I watched the tiny translucent spider and felt sorry for him and his fatal choice of web locations. I listened as the business of the day continued on behind me. But, isn't that the way the world works. The world as you may know it can stop short, but everything around you keeps moving forward and soon, you are left behind. Thad (or my better half as Ashley so kindly pointed out) died and I had stopped. And now, I wasn't sure that it was possible for me to catch up. My mind kept wandering back to the boys in the room behind me. They had been very quiet for some time now. I would have bet good money that all 3 of them were asleep. I heard the door creak open and then Isaac and Taylor stood in front of me. I looked up at them. They both looked exhausted. Isaac's eyes were swollen and puffy and he had lines on his cheek as though he had fallen asleep on his watch.
“Hey, how is he?” I asked.
“Asleep...” Ike said rubbing his curly hair. He had some serious bed head.
“Good, that's good.” I said.
“Yeah, he's in a lot more pain than he'll admit to...” Isaac said absently flipping through the gifts on the cart. Until he came upon a box of chocolate chip cookies. He pulled a cookie out of the box shaped like a snare drum. “But, for some reason, he doesn't want any pain killers.”
“I wonder why?” I asked.
“I don't know...” Isaac said as he turned towards the private waiting area. “I'm going to sleep for awhile... You coming Tay?”
“Yeah, in a minute.” He said as Isaac stepped through the door. “Are you okay?” Taylor asked me as he settled down next to me. His brief appearance within the window eliciting a wave of shrieks. “I've been sitting in there with Zac, thinking about you, a lot.”
“Yeah...” I said resting my cheek on my knees. His hand was on my neck, softly kneading away the final stronghold of my panic attack. He didn't really want to hear how I was, so I lied. “I'm good.”
“If you mean that, then I'm so glad.” He said.
“So, how are you? Really?” I asked as he rubbed his own bloodshot eyes.
“I'm okay... better than Zac.” He said a tiny smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Tired and way too hung over for the legions of screamers outside.”
“I'm sorry.” I said finally giving in and just leaning back against his shoulder. “I know what it's like to be really tired and really hung over. It's not very much fun.”
“I guess I'm used to it, or as much as anyone can be... Well, the tired part that is...” Taylor said leaning his cheek against my head. He sighed tiredly. I wanted to hold him, to comfort him, to chase away the goblins haunting him. And yet, I couldn't move. “People, who mean well, are concerned about me and you... and I don't even know why.”
“About me?” I asked. Had Ashley already talked to Diana and Walker? “I'm sorry... I should probably leave, go back home... I don't want to cause you pain...”
“No, you cant go home... Cleo, I've only ever wanted to make you smile and feel better about who you are...” Taylor said. “I just want the opportunity to love you...”
“But... you can't...” I said. “I am not available to be loved.”
“Not true, you are here with me right now.” He said wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “Don't you understand, you've always been around, always been available...”
“Tay, I am such damaged goods...” I said.
“No, you're not...” He said shaking his head.
“Oh, but I am...” I said closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. His smell surrounded me, it was so strong and boylike, it practically brought tears to my eyes. “I will never be pure....”
“To me you are.”
“Tay, can I ask you a serious question?” I asked. My turn for the serious questions.
“Sure.” He said.
I turned towards him and grabbed both of his ice cold hands in my hands. I looked him directly in the eyes. I had so many questions, but I had to know the answer to this. I had to know that he wasn't lying. “Do you like what you have to do? Do you still love the life you've chosen?”
“Yes.” He said without thinking, without blinking. He answered me directly and I knew what he said was true. “There are parts of it that I love more than others, but yes. I love my life.”
“Good, cause I think it would be sad if you didn't.” I said.
“But like anyone else sometimes when I have to do something or go somewhere, I would rather be doing something else...” He said leaning his head back and closing his eyes. Maybe this is one of those times he wanted to be somewhere else. With his eyes closed, he looked so young. I reached out and put my hand on his cheek. Without opening his eyes, he grabbed my hand and put the palm against his lips...
“What do you love most? Honestly.” I asked as he gently kissed each of my fingertips.
He lifted our hands to eye level and put his enormous hand against mine. He bent his fingers over the tops of mine before deftly lacing them together. He contemplated our hands twined together in front of him. For a moment, I didn't think he was going to answer. Finally, he whispered. “Truth?”
“Always.”
“Don't laugh.” He whispered as he moved each of his fingers in turn wiggling them against the back of my hand. Before, leaning his head back and closing his eyes again.
“I wouldn't.” I answered quietly, my voice dropping in concert with his. He quickly lifted my hand to his lips again and kissed the back of my hand before pulling his fingers away from mine and taking my hand and placing it against his chest. I could feel his heart beating through the thin black t-shirt.
“Well, you might,” he said running his fingers through his hair. He took a deep breath almost as if he were gathering his courage. Each word vibrated against my hand. It was as if he wanted me to not only hear his words, but to feel them. “Well beyond the music, I love the people. I love the faces. I love the smiles. I love the moments. I love just the feeling...”
“What feeling?” I said, my eyes falling closed as I felt his passion vibrating beneath his breast bone. God, I wanted to curl myself into a little ball and crawl under his skin. I wanted to live with him, be a part of him, own just a small piece of his absolute love of life, of music, of performing.
“The feeling that maybe, just maybe I'm making a difference in someone's life....” He said, finally opening his blue eyes. As he looked at me, I was once again taken aback by just how blue his eyes actually were. I take it back, I wanted to swim through the pure blue of his eyes. Maybe, I was beautiful, because anything would be beautiful in those eyes. “Does that make me sound conceited when I say that?
“No, it sounds like the truth.” I said. My reward was a smile. A real and genuine smile. He truly is the sweetest person I've ever known. “Can I ask another question?”
“Sure.” He said his hands falling to the stray string on the hem of my borrowed shirt. He sighed again a small tired sigh.
“Do you remember the faces from concert to concert?” I asked. I know that there were fans I now recognized. But, then again, I was just periphery to the storm that is his life. I wasn't constantly meeting people, constantly being bombarded with people who wanted to meet me, who wanted me to remember them. “Do all the faces from in front of the hotel to the meet and greet to the faces in the crowd just blend into one?”
“Sometimes, there will be a face in the crowd... eyes that are so full of feeling or a smile that lights up the world...” He said softly. His face had a far off dream like quality. “But mostly, my day is just one long blur. Then someone will walk in the room and everything just snaps back into focus.”
“Really?”
“Yes, and really, that is one of the reasons we wanted you on tour with us... Because, you are that breath of reality, you snap the world back into focus.” He reached out and pulled me into a tight hug and instead of resisting as I usually do, I just melted into him. I leaned into him and buried my nose into the crook of his neck. He smelled like heaven. His skin felt so warm and clean. Soon, I could feel that we were breathing in unison. Our chests rising and falling in perfect concert. I was ready and willing to surrender to him. To give up the fight and to just give myself over to him.
“Does it make you sad that you can't really get close to these people?” I asked into his neck. I could feel his heart beat in his neck, my hand still resting against his chest.
“Very. It's like I am trying to throw my arms around the world.” He said shifting under me. I had totally and completely given myself over to him and his will. “I know that is kind of a lame analogy, but that is the only way to say it.”
“No, it makes sense...” I said. “I understand.”
“I wish I could do more.” He said sighing and holding me just a little bit tighter. “There is so little I can do...”
“Tay, you can't fix all of the fans... all of the broken girls in the audience...” I said. I wanted to be the only broken girl he tried to put back together. I wanted his total attention and yet, I knew it would never happen. Taylor belonged to the world and they were very jealous of who he spent his time with.
“Realistically I know that, but my heart still breaks when I read some of the fan mail, when I hear their stories... Sometimes, it's like I give away pieces of me, little pieces, like band aids. Which I know aren't enough, not nearly.” He sighed and I felt his heartbreak just a little bit more.
“Oh, but sometimes, they are...”
“Not really, but it's all I have. I think those around me are afraid I will give away too much. Like, I will give away the part that was theirs.” Taylor's hand began to slowly rub up and down my back, tracing slow lazy circles. I felt myself relax as though for the first time in days. “But, the part that is theirs can't be given away. They just worry that I don't understand all that is involved in being with you...”
“With me?” I asked sitting up, suddenly finding my will again. “What about me?”
“Its just they think... that there is something happening with us which is more than a friend thing.” He said. I could hear his voice rumbling through his chest. He was this boy, this real, tangible boy. “Everyone around me is kind of freaking... I think, it's because they think that everyone wants me or wants something from me and even though I've known you my whole life, they see this in you...”
“Honestly... I think it would be very easy to love you...” I said, surprising even myself. Did I love him? Could I love him? No, not possible, I wouldn't allow myself that luxury. “But not fair. Because, you deserve someone who is like you, who will grow up with you, who will discover love in your eyes...”
“That is beautiful...” Taylor said as he gently kissed me on the forehead. I closed my eyes against the tears I felt threatening. “But, I want that person to be you.”
“And it wouldn't be fair...” I said turning my face up towards his. His eyes softened when he saw the tears in mine. He put his hand on my cheek and rubbed his thumb along my eyelashes, I felt a tear break free. “Because, honestly, I am not young and innocent...”
“But, in a way, you are younger than me. Really, you stopped when growing when Thad died, at least a part of you did.” Again, he sighed. But, for what?
“I know...” I said sighing against him.
“And I see that...”
“But no one else will...”
“Cleo, I can't help how they are.” Taylor said.
“Neither can I.” I said tiredly. “Maybe, I never allowed myself to love you because I knew that despite what everyone says about not believing the lies of the women back home, they will never allow this...”
“I don't know about that.” Taylor said. “I do know they love me...”
“As they should...” I said as he paused.
“I know.” He said sighing once again. This time the pause was longer and heavier. I could feel his mind turning back to that sultry August day. A day we've never spoke about or even acknowledged happened. “It's just they heard something...”
“Actually, I know...” I said stopping him. Really, I didn't want to go there, relive those moments. I had replayed them in my mind enough in the last few hours. In fact, I’d done my hardest to recreate them last night. “Ashley told them...”
“About everything...” Taylor said, his voice hitching in his chest. I looked up at him and saw the tears on his cheek. “And its just stupid...”
“So, I guess I understand their concern.” I said reaching up and wiping away his silent tears. I was causing him this pain. “Taylor, I think you are beautiful... In so many ways.”
“It's just that you matter to me, a lot.” He said kissing my moist fingertips. “And when you aren't with us, with me, I think of you a lot. I think they think you are going to... I don't know.”
“I just wish we could make them understand, I would never, ever hurt you...” I said. I looked into his enormous blue eyes. He looked so tired and so sad. “Tay, we need to make them understand that I really do love you.”
“Well, as you know there is someone in my family who is like a pit bull and when she gets on something she never ever lets up.” Taylor said. “And she is worried about me getting hurt. About me making a really, really bad decision.”
“Yeah, I know, Diana is like that.” I said smiling to myself. Diana often said she loved me like a daughter. I guess that is just as long as I leave her earthbound angel alone. But to be honest, I understood completely how she felt. “I can only imagine how much your mother must love you and she wouldn't want someone to hurt you.”
“Well, as you know she is from the generation of 8 track tapes and it warped her mind.” He said smiling through his tears. Did I mention that Taylor is a mamma's boy? Well, he is in the most endearing way. I've watched him sit in the kitchen for hours while she baked cookies. Just chatting easily. I've seen how when she sits next to him on the couch, he somehow always ends up with his head in her lap. He even held her hand in public, still and called her Mommy. “You see she gets on one track and can't let go like a stuck 8 track. And I'm afraid, she will be on this until something else worries her more and then she will move on.”
“Well, Zac being in the hospital aside, lets just pray one of your siblings does something really bone headed soon...” I said, this earned me a chuckle. His laughter sounded slightly hysterical, like someone who needed to sleep, but he was laughing. “Tay, I know your family and I can't imagine that you are her problem child.”
“No, with seven of us, it shouldn't be too long...” He said trying to stifle a yawn. I looked into his eyes and noticed that they were growing dull.
“I mean, your younger brother seems like he could cause a little bit of trouble, even from his hospital bed.” I said.
“Yeah.” Taylor said laughing again, only this time it was softer and dulled with sleepiness. Taylor has never been very good at fighting off sleep. Taylor and Zac were amazing, they could sleep almost anywhere and any time. All they really needed was to be tired, truly tired. And right now, that is what Taylor was, truly tired. “It's just I am the one she worries over more, its just stupid.”
“No, it's because you lead with your heart.” I said.
“Yeah,” he said sighing. “I just somehow push the fret button. I do "unwise" things.” Now it was my turn to smile. I can imagine Diana standing over all of us in the kitchen of the house on 78th Street, her tiny hands on her hips, telling us that we were not going to get to go out and play because the mess we had made had been an “unwise choice.” Her kind face momentarily pulled into a mask of disapproval. “She thinks maybe this is "unwise."”
“Man, I feel like Jezebel...” I said leaning my forehead against his chest.
“Never...” He said his voice thick with sleepiness. I pulled away from him and leaned against the wall next to him again. Taylor slowly lowered his head to my shoulder and wound his fingers through mine. “Cleo, I love you.”
“Tay, I love you too.” I said as his breathing began to even out. He slowly lowered his head to my lap. I looked down at this earthbound angel, at his halo of golden blonde hair, his slightly stubbly cheeks, his long swan like neck... I felt tears begin to burn in my eyes. His soft sighing breath warmed my leg and his ice cold hands cooled my fingers. I loved him so much. And yet, no one would ever allow me to love him, allow him to love me. There were so many things to consider, the least of which was who he was. I closed my eyes. I could see Taylor standing far away from he. He was standing on a rock and I was standing at the bottom of an enormous hill and I needed to get to the top, needed to get to Taylor. But with each step, I sank to my waist in the snow. Somewhere, high up on the mountain, I heard a hissing sound... I can see the snow quickly sliding and tumbling over itself. I opened my eyes just as I was about to be buried in snow, just as I was about to lose site of the boy on the rock. As I watched the vein in his neck jumped with each undeniable heartbeat, I felt the avalanche tumble over my head.