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Surrender
Oh,the city's alight
Surrender, Surrender
Oh, the city's afire
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Honestly, I don’t have a clue how long we had been sitting in the hall, but it had been hours. Our comings and goings were always punctuated by the screams of the girls outside. At some point in time, Sue had left to go home and shower and change. She assured all of us she would be back before we knew it. And while she was gone another nurse would be assigned to Zac. Sue told us the new nurse was good and there was nothing to worry about. Before she left, she brought me and Taylor some pillows and blankets and had set up a privacy screen across the hallway blocking not only us, but Zac’s room and the conference room off from curious eyes. So, Taylor and I had basically made a nest in the corner of the hallway behind a privacy screen, surrounded by gifts meant for Zac. We would get up and go, but we always returned to this spot. Each trip into Zac’s room scared me more and more. The first time we had gone in, he had seemed fine. He had joked with me and his cheeks still had some of his natural color in them. Now, he was pale and wan.
“Hey kiddo...” I said as his eyes fluttered opened. I had been sitting next to him for about 20 minutes waiting for him to wake up. Each time he woke up, we tried to have one of us next to his bedside. One time he had awakened when Taylor was in the bathroom and he had panicked and tried to get out of bed. He had torn a few of his staples loose, causing a major uproar in the ICU. So, now, we had a pretty much constant vigil going on with either me, Isaac, Taylor or Ashley. The nurse looked up from her magazine and smiled at us.
“Hey baby.” He said giving me a sort of half smile. His lips looked cracked and sore. “Is my mom here yet?”
“Not yet, but soon. How ya’ feeling?” I asked taking his hand into mine. When I squeezed his hand, he barely responded. His hands were cold and damp.
“Not so good.” He said turning his head towards me. He winced as he shifted slightly. “I kinda feel like hell on toast.”
“Well, you still have your boyish good looks.” I whispered as I leaned forward to kiss him on the forehead. He was so hot, hotter even than he had been the night before. “Wendy,” the nurse looked up at me, “he is REALLY, REALLY hot...”
“He still has a fever, but it is within the safe zone.” She said, standing up and checking a few of the machines.
“Zac, can I get you anything?” I asked as she checked monitors and checking the sensors taped to his skin.
“Cleo, I am really thirsty...” I looked at the nurse as he said that. She wordlessly shook her head “no.”
“Okay, I’ll see what I can do about getting you a drink...”
“And, my lips hurt...” He said his tongue snaking out over his lips. I reached down into my Scooby Doo bag and grabbed a tube of something greasy for lips. I gently ran the slick goop over his lips. “Smells like cherries...”
“It is cherry flavored.” I said. As I moved some hair back off his face. I leaned forward and planted another kiss on his lips, he didn’t ever respond.
“I am so tired.” He said his voice getting softer and softer. “I think I’m going to sleep...”
“Okay baby,” I said as I smoothed my hand over his hair. I had to swallow hard to keep the tears back. “You just sleep...”
The whole day, people came and went in a very surreal fashion. I felt like I was watching a movie in stop motion animation. Nothing moved smoothly. It just all felt too surreal. A new security guard began to bring back the piles of gifts. Each time he would drop the presents at my feet and shake his head in annoyance. At one point I almost apologized to him, but for what? We had done nothing wrong. I suppose he was just upset he had to get off his fat ass.
Late in the morning, Ashley had gone out in front of the hospital and had given a formal statement about the nature of Zac’s hospital stay. And man, it was a packed press conference. There had been a lot of national media in Mobile to cover the storm and they somehow found their way over to the hospital steps to find out exactly why the youngest Hanson had been rushed to the hospital in the middle of a storm. Here is a sad observation, but if it had been an overdose (as was rumored), Zac probably would have been the lead story on many newscasts. But because it was just a burst appendix, it was just so much less sexy and alluring. He was shuttled to the end or middle of the news, if he was mentioned at all. Of course, if he died. He would be the lead. A dead rock star is a very sexy story.
And later in the afternoon, Taylor and Isaac took a large chunk of the stuffed animals the fans had brought for Zac, down to the pediatric unit. This, of course, had made Taylor very sad and morose. He came back with tears in his eyes and put his head on my shoulder and just cried. I tried to get him to tell me what was wrong, but all I could make out was something about life not being fair. I patted his cheek and waited for his tears to pass. Honestly, I think it was just his tiredness and the emotional turmoil of the day coming out as sympathy for the sick kids downstairs.
At some point, a huge meal of Chinese food was brought in to us. I had looked at the piles and piles of food and had almost gotten sick. It smelled good, but the very idea of eating was just more than my stomach could handle. Taylor had finally just brought me a plate of plain rice and some Wonton soup. I had taken it gratefully and had gagged it down. His smile had been my reward for forcing myself to eat.
And throughout all of this, Taylor had talked to his mother at least 6 times. It seemed each minute it took to get to Mobile, each mile they traveled raised her anxiety level exponentially. His bemusement at his mother’s hysteria also seemed to go up. “Cleo, I’ll be right back.” Taylor said standing and stretching his long legs.
“Okay,” I said. “Where are you going?”
“Um...” He said.
“Taylor, if you have to use the restroom, just say... Damn, I know you want to save your perfect image, but I know you still use the bathroom.” I said, rolling my eyes. “I was just asking because I really need a drink.”
“Oh, okay.” He said as he pulled open the door to the conference room. “Let me snag Jason and I’ll run downstairs to get you a drink.” Taylor stepped into the conference room and then reappeared about 30 seconds later with Jason on his heels. “What do you want?”
“I just want some water...” I said as he and Jason started down the hall. I could hear Jason and Taylor as they bantered back and forth on the way to the elevator. I could almost hear the familiar insults they were trading back and forth. Just as their voices disappeared in the elevator, Taylor’s cellphone rang. I dug around in the blankets and pillows on the floor and finally found it. “Hello?”
“Cleo?”
“Hi Diana.” I said, suddenly feeling very, very guilty for sullying her son.
“Where’s Taylor?”
“He just ran to the restroom and to get some drinks downstairs...”
“Did he take Jason with him?” She demanded. Was I imagining things or was her voice sharper than usual.
“Yes, he did...”
“How’s Zac?”
“Last time I was in there he woke up for a few minutes...” I said covering my eyes. “He said he was thirsty...”
“Oh, my poor baby...” She said, then I heard the phone shuffling around and her talking to someone in the backseat. “Cleo, Jess wants to talk to you.”
“Hey!! Cleo, guess where I went two days ago?” Jessica asked.
“Umm... let me see, would that be a date?” I asked.
“Yes, how did you know?” She asked sounding a little disappointed that I already knew.
“I heard your brothers talking about it.”
“How did they know?” She asked her voice suddenly sounding cross. “Avie, did you tell them I had a date?” I could hear exactly what Avery said, but the next thing I heard was Mac yelling. “Cleo, I have to kill Mac...” I heard the phone being passed again.
“Hey Cleo.” Avery’s voice chimed into the phone. “Jessica is killing Mac. It’s actually pretty funny. Except, my mom is about one shriek away from killing all of us...”
“Yeah, she sounds pretty on edge...” I said as I could hear the mayhem that had erupted in the van.
“Well, my mother has spent most of the day on the phone talking to someone in Mobile.” She said. “And, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her cry so much in one day... Oh, Zoë wants to talk to you... See you soon, I love you Cleo.”
“I love you more.” I said before she handed the phone over the seat to her little sister.
“Hi.” A sunny, young voice chimed in my ear.
“Hey shorty!!” I said. “Whatcha doing?”
“I was watching a video, but Mom says we have to read now because Mac and Jess can’t stop fighting.” Zoë said. I closed my eyes and had a very clear picture of her angelic face in my head. She was such a complete clone of Taylor, only with Isaac’s curly hair. “So, now we all have to read for an hour... I don’t think it’s fair. I wasn’t fighting with anyone.”
“Well, you need to practice your reading. You’re going to have to read for me when you get here.” I said. “What are you reading?”
“I’m reading Cat in the Hat and Green Eggs and Ham.”
“Oh, those are some of my favorites.” I said smiling.
“Mac wants to talk to you.” She said. “I love you, Cleo.”
“I love you too.” I said as Taylor came around the corner of the screen. His eyebrows knitted together as he looked at me.
“Who you talking to?” He whispered.
“Zoë.” I whispered back covering the mouthpiece. He smiled at me, his smile was so brilliant and so distracting, at first, I didn’t notice Mac was talking to me. “Oh, hey Mac.”
“Hey.” He said sounding a little bit more than just a little bit put out.
“So, what’s up?” I asked.
“Jessica just hit me and made my lip bleed.” He said. “And when I went to hit her back, I got in trouble... But she hit me first.” I could hear someone talking in the background. “Well, she did.”
“Mac, tell your mom that Taylor’s back.” I said.
“Okay,” he said before lowering the phone and telling his mother Taylor was back. “My mom wants to talk to Taylor.”
“Okay,” I said. “I love you, Mac.”
“Love you too.” He said. “See you soon.”
I handed the phone to Taylor and watched his face as he talked to his mother for a few minutes. I didn’t really listen too closely, because most of his side of the conversation consisted of him making sounds of agreement and every once in a while interjecting a word or two. After about 10 minutes, he hung up and heaved a deep sigh.
Soon after that phone call, everything calmed down. The sky I had watched lighten only a few short hours ago, slowly darkened moving from azure to amethyst to violet. Taylor had gone in to check on Zac again. Each time I had gone in to see him, he seemed paler and smaller. I asked the nurse, but she kept assuring me it was normal for someone with that level of poisoning to get worse before he got better. I moved back out into the hallway and settled back down on the floor. I was getting tired. I had been up since the morning before at around 9 am, well, except for about an hour after Taylor and I... Well, after. That was a long 36 hours before.
We had gone a few hours without any interruption and Taylor and I had settled down into our nest. So, now we could hear the business of the ICU, but I couldn’t see it. The rest of the hospital felt like another world, a world separate from me and the fragile angel whose head rested in my lap. As I watched him sleep, I was amazed by his absolute beauty. Even in his sleep, his expressive face danced and shone. Taylor was famous for carrying on entire conversations in his sleep. He often laughed or even cried in his sleep. I watched as his brow furrowed and he whispered Zac’s name. I softly ran my thumb over the creases between his eyebrows. At my touch, his eyes fluttered momentarily and I caught glimpses of blue, before they shut again. He rolled off his back and onto his side. I could feel his breath against my thigh as he sighed deeply in his sleep and in his sigh, was my name. “Cleo...” He whispered in his sleep and another frown crept across his features. As he laid there, his head in my lap, I watched his perfect profile and realized this was the same boy I had always known. I wondered momentarily which memory or version of me was playing behind his eyes. “Cleo...”
I reached out and pushed a lock of hair out of his face and was surprised when his hand grabbed mine. “Tay, are you awake?” I whispered, leaning down towards his ear.
“No.” He breathed. His voice was feather soft and breathless.
“Tay, what are you dreaming about?” I asked, my words barely audible to me. We used to do this to Taylor each time we had a camp out in the backyard. We would wait until we thought he was asleep and I would ask him if he was awake and wonder of wonders, he would answer. But, it had to be me who asked, he wouldn’t answer anyone else.
“You...” He whispered.
“What about me?”
“...standing in the cemetery.... wearing a wedding dress... so beautiful... for me...” He slurred in his sleep, his cadence was that of someone fighting sleep. His words stopped and started in a strange dreamlike pattern. “You tell me... you aren’t... ready... you’re waiting... Thad...” My breath caught in the back of my throat. Thad’s name caught me totally off guard. “Jarrod is there... has a shovel... he’s digging... but not... for Thad... for you... I call... you won’t come...” Suddenly, I didn’t want to play this parlor game anymore. I didn’t want to know about this dream. I could feel tears building in my throat, caught behind my breath. He moaned and his hand tightened on mine. “Oh God, Cleo...”
He was quietly mumbling in his sleep when the door to the conference room opened and Ike stepped out. He smiled at me, but when he saw the tears in my eyes, his smile fell away. He silently moved across the hall and sat on my other side pulling me into a hug as gently as he could. “Cleo...” Taylor said a bit louder and clearer.
“Did you ask him if he was awake?” Isaac whispered.
“Yes,” I said. “But really, I wish I hadn’t.”
“Cleo, please...” Taylor moaned. “Please... come with me...”
I looked up at Isaac silently begging him to wake Taylor up. “Tay....” Isaac said, softly ruffling Taylor’s hair. “Tay, bud... You’re talking in your sleep again...”
“What?” He asked blearily, his eyes fluttering open. Taylor has always been hard to wake up. He always seems drugged for a while.
“You were talking in your sleep again.” Isaac repeated
“Sorry...” He said sitting up and rubbing his eyes. “Have I been asleep long?”
“An hour, maybe a little longer...” I shrugged.
“Have you slept?” Taylor yawned.
“Honestly, I’m not tired.” I said.
“You mean, you haven’t slept at all?” Isaac asked. “Not at all since we got to the hospital?”
“No, I’ve just been sitting here, thinking.” I said.
“Thinking? About what?” Taylor asked.
“About.... nothing...”
“Wow, you’ve sat here for all this time and thought about nothing?” Isaac said raising his eyebrows. I gave him a dirty look and moved to stand up. “That’s an awful lot of nothing...”
“Why, what time is it?” I asked suddenly realizing how stiff my body was and how truly hungry I was feeling. I was suddenly wishing I had eaten some of the Chinese food. But I hadn’t eaten. And each time Isaac, Taylor or Ashley had walked back and forth between Zac’s room and the conference room, they had snagged some treats off the growing pile of offerings for Zac.
“Umm... it’s 9:15.” Taylor said consulting his high tech diving watch. I was pretty sure he couldn’t run half of it’s features and he wasn’t going to be diving to 500 feet anytime soon. And still, it was such a wonderfully Taylor thing to have.
“It is?” I asked completely amazed that much time had passed and I had done absolutely nothing all day long.
“Yeah,” Isaac said resting his head against my right shoulder as Taylor leaned his head against my left. “We got here with Zac... at what?”
“2:00.” Taylor said.
“We called Mom and Dad around...” Isaac said mentally adding the time in his head.
“2:45... my cellphone said 2:45, when I called your house.” I said.
“So, they probably left Tulsa around 3:15. 3:30 at the latest.” Isaac said. While it’s true it is impossible to get the Hanson family moving with any sort of speed. I can only imagine Diana had leapt out of bed, thrown on some clothing and had run from room to room waking her children and pulling clothing out of drawers and closets. Really, it was probably easy getting them all out and in the van. She probably had Walker sleep walk them out. As she gathered just the barest necessities for the journey. “They should be here soon...”
Before Isaac could even finish his thought, I heard a page on the intercom system. “Code Blue, ICU. Code Blue, ICU. Code Blue, ICU.” Suddenly, the privacy screen was ripped away and about 8 nurses went running into Zac’s room, one pushing a crash cart. This was a very, very bad sign. Both Isaac and Taylor jumped to their feet, but I just buried my face in my knees, wrapping my arms around my legs. Zac’s heart had stopped.
A nurse rushed out of the room, Taylor grabbed her arm. “What’s wrong? What’s going on?”
“He’s crashing...” The nurse said, rushing down the hall.
Ike moved towards the door, but Sue came out before he could even get through the door. “Sue, what’s going on?”
“Okay, please don’t panic, but it looks like the infection has reached his heart.” Sue said putting a hand on each of their arms. “He’s having a hard time breathing...”
“Oh my God.” I said. Ike and Taylor both looked at me. Both of them had tears in their eyes. But, I wasn’t really seeing them, I was seeing my mother. She was reaching for my face with her too cold hands. Sometimes, I think if I could have stopped her from saying the words I didn’t want to hear, it wouldn’t be true. “Oh my God...” I said as I jumped up. I started down the hall. Soon, I was running. But then again, that is my modus operandi, to run away.
“Cleo...” Taylor called as I crashed through the door out onto the stairs. I knew he wouldn’t follow me, still I ran as fast as I could down the stairs. I yanked the doors onto the first floor open and ran into the main reception area of the hospital. I tripped on the carpet and landed face down on floor, my breath knocked out of me, my arm and knee sending out sharp pains. Suddenly, I felt something heavy and vaguely human land on me.
“Cleo!” A young voice crowed in my ear. The vaguely human shape on my back was Zoë. I lifted my head and was looking at a pair of feet, toenails painted a shocking purple with a crescent shaped scar on the right ankle.
“Jess!!” I said pulling myself up. I felt Zoë’s legs instantly wrap around my waist and her arms lock around my neck. As I got upright, I got hugs from Jessica, Avery and Mackie.
“Where were you going so fast?” Diana asked as she came and enveloped me in a hug. The feel of her warm skin and the smell of her long hair almost made me burst into tears. “Is something wrong?” I couldn’t answer, so I just shook my head.
“Um...” I stammered as the tears broke free of my lashes. “I’m not sure... He... he just coded...” As I tried to raise the volume of my voice, the elevator doors slid open. Taylor and Ike stepped into the lobby, greeted by the screams of the girls outside the hospital.
“Mommy!!” Taylor called running up to her and wrapping his arms around her. His 6’2” frame enveloping her. She reached up and ran her hands through Taylor’s hair.
“Oh baby,” she murmured. “Oh my beautiful baby...” She looked over his shoulder and saw Isaac. She opened her arms wider and Isaac slid into her embrace. As she kissed each of them, I saw the strain of the last 24 hours come out of them in almost silent sobs. Walker came up behind Diana and wrapped his arms around all three of them. Soon, Jessica, Avery, Mackie and Zoë were also hanging on Taylor and Isaac. This touching family moment just about killed me. This is the thing I never had. I always wanted it, but I never had it. “Baby, what are you doing down here? Where is Jason?” Diana asked as she pulled away.
“We were looking for Cleo.” Taylor said as Zoë wrapped her legs around his waist this time. “We came down to tell her Zac was... The infection is around his heart... The doctor doesn’t know, if he’ll...”
“Baby, shh....” Diana said as she began to herd her family towards the elevators. “I just want to see him... Everything will be okay. I promise...”
As they were stepping into the elevator, I turned in search of somewhere to mourn on my own. As I began to walk away, I felt a too cold hand slip into mine. I looked down and sure enough, there were strange fingers threaded through mine... I followed the arm up to see two sets of twinkling blue eyes looking at me. “Come on Cleo, let’s go upstairs.” I shook my head not trusting my voice. “Come on, I need you...” Taylor whispered before planting a soft kiss on my upturned lips. He pulled on my hand and I followed him onto the elevator.
As the doors slid closed behind me and Taylor, I found myself face to face with the family I had loved more than my own. “Taylor kissed Cleo...” Zoë said in a sing-song voice. “Taylor kissed Cleo.” I felt my face redden.