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Misguided Angel
I said "Mama, he's crazy and he scares me
He says "Baby, don't listen to what they say
Misguided angel hangin' over me
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The elevator doors slid open and we descended on the quiet world of the ICU. Avery had grabbed hold of my hand and was quietly pulling me down the hallway towards Zac’s room. When we rounded the corner, I saw that the privacy screen had been restored. Sue was standing in the hallway in front of Zac’s room quietly folding the blankets Taylor and I had abandoned. She stopped when we stepped into the sanctuary at the end of the hall. “Sue,” Ike began, “this is my mother and father, Diana and Walker Hanson. Mom, Dad, this is Sue. She's been watching Zac almost since he got here.”
After exchanging handshakes and “how do you do’s,” Diana and Walker walked into Zac’s room followed by their brood. I wasn't sure I wanted to go in and see Zac. I was so scared of how sick he looked. In my mind I couldn't make how sick he looked work with his still being alive. I mean, Thad died and he had looked completely healthy... better than healthy. He had literally shone. Avery continued to hold onto my hand and began to pull me in after her. “Avie...” I said pulling back. “I don't think I want to go in...”
“Come on...” She said wrapping her arms around me. “Please...”
“Avie...” I said allowing her to drag me. “I think maybe Zac wants to just see his family...”
“Cleo, you are family...” Avery said letting her legs go limp just like she had her whole life. Avery had mastered “limp baby” very early in life. She would hold her arms out for you to pick her up almost constantly. I think she spent the first 2 years of her life on Diana’s hip. But when she didn't want to be carried, she would go limp and just slide out of your arms. So, now I was basically holding her up as she did limp pre-teen. “I always believed you were my sister...” I looked down into her face, so similar to Zacs and almost melted. Avery was a real beauty. At 12 years old, she was breathtaking with a smile that just blew my mind. “Come on, you have to come with me...”
“Okay,” I said as she put her feet back down and held herself up.
“And to be perfectly honest...” She said now holding my arm so I wouldn't walk through the doorway into Zac’s room. I turned getting a little irritated. Did she want me to go in with her or stay out here with her. Odds were good that someone would notice she wasn't in there pretty soon and come out for her anyway. “I'm scared...”
“Scared of what?” I asked. Her hand felt cold, as cold as Taylor's in mine. When she finally lifted her eyes to meet mine, I was struck by the strange caramel color of her eyes... Her eyes were the same color exactly as her hair.
“Scared that this will be the last time I see him...” She said her lip trembling. “Cleo, what if he really does die...” She said before the sobs ripped through her body. I quickly wrapped my arms around her. I could feel her small birdlike body quivering.
“Avie, he's going to be fine...” I said saying the words I didn't believe. As I held her, Taylor came walking back out of Zac’s room. Our eyes met over Avery's head.
“Avery, what's wrong?” Taylor said rushing over to his sisters side. When his hand touched her shoulder, she immediately swung around and grabbed Taylor around the waist. Her ardor and the tightness of the hug seemed to catch Taylor off guard.
“She's worried that Zac is going to die...” I said as Taylors long arms snaked around his little sister.
“Avery, he's doing... okay...” The hesitation in his voice caused me to look into his eyes. He didn't look so sure about what he'd just said. Zac was decidedly not doing okay. Taylor gently disengaged Avery and held both of her hands in his. “Avery, you have to stop crying... Pull yourself together and we'll go in and you can see how ‘okay’ he is...”
She mutely nodded her head, her breath hiccuping in her chest. She brusquely wiped the tears off of her cheeks and pulled in a deep breath. “Fine...” Her breath hitched in her chest. “You wouldn't lie to me, right?”
“Of course not.” I said. “Go in, I’ll be in a second... I need to go to the bathroom.” I said as I turned to walk away. As I rounded the edge of the screen. I felt myself becoming weak. Every bone in my body was turning to liquid. Taylor was worried about Zac. I heard the door to Zac’s room click closed. I leaned my forehead against the wall, concentrating on the throbbing in my knee and my wrist. This pain was so real... While the pain in my chest was so unreal. The pain in my chest had the strange tightening feeling of a panic attack. To say that my grip on reality was becoming tenuous at best would be an understatement. I tried to concentrate on my breathing, forcing my breaths to come in longer slower gulps. After Thad died, I had been forced to see a grief counselor. His one and only bit of advice that seemed to make any sort of sense at all was to close my eyes and breathe deeply. To shut out the craziness of the world around me and to concentrate on the sound of my breath as it went in and out of my lungs. And with each breath I was to imagine I was blowing out the bad air, the bad thoughts, the bad emotions. It was supposed to clear my mind and make things so much clearer. Usually all it did was focus my mind on the fact that I was perpetually exhausted.
I was so tired and I didn't know how much more of this I could take. Why did all of this have to happen at the same time? Ashley was right... I couldn't handle this job. As I leaned there trying to clear my mind of all thoughts, I felt a body lean up against me. A small smile slid onto my lips. Taylor soon had his arms wrapped around me, his too cold hands snaking up under my shirt to rest on my stomach. He rested his chin on my shoulder and buried his nose in my neck. As he breathed me in, I could feel him sigh. “Taylor, you should be in there with your family.”
“Cleo, you are my family.” He whispered. “I was just worried you've been out here so long...”
This time my smile wasn't small. He was worried about me. I was his family. It was strange how warm those simple words made me feel. “How long have I been out here?”
“About 20 minutes,” he murmured against my neck. I felt my knees growing weak. How wrong is this? Here I am standing outside of Zac’s room, where he could this very minute be dying, and Taylor's breath against my neck was turning me on. I turned around into his arms. It was my turn to grab him around the waist. We stood in the hallway clinging to one another. “Come on, let's go see Zac.” He muttered into my hair.
“Okay,” I said catching his mouth with mine. Maybe, I could distract him from wanting to go into Zac’s room by kissing him. And as the kisses became deeper and more ardent, it appeared to be working. Soon, I was leaning against the wall again, but now, Taylor was grinding into me. “You know, there is a cot in the linen closet.” I whispered in his ear as his cool hands slid down into the baggy scrubs I was wearing. His eyebrow cocked when he realized I wasn't wearing any underwear.
“I don't know...” He said, his eyes clouding over. His body was here with me, but his heart was in the room behind us.
“You're right...” I said sucking on his Adam's apple, gently pressing my thigh against his crotch. As he groaned, I knew I had him. “It wouldn't be right...”
“Still, no one would ever know...” He whispered back as I sucked on his ear. Now, you would think it would occur to me that I was in public, but suddenly Taylor was the only thing I could see. It as if my breathing exercises had backfired. Instead of clearing my head, they had filled it with thoughts of Taylor and just Taylor. He looked into my eyes and gave me a small smile. I smiled back giving him permission to do whatever he wanted with me. He slid his hands into mine and started walking towards the closet.
When I heard the sound of a throat being cleared, my heart dropped to the floor. “Cleo, Tay.” Walker said behind us. “Can you come here for a minute? We need to talk.” I felt Taylor's hand involuntarily tighten around mine. We both stopped short. “Now, would be nice...”
Taylor turned slowly and smiled wanly at his father. “We're coming... We were just going to go use the restroom.”
“Okay, but hurry...” Walker said. “We'd really like to get this conversation over with quickly so we can send the kids to the hotel...”
“Kay.” He said as we rounded the corner. When we heard the door to the conference room fall closed we both caught an uncontrollable case of the giggles. “Oh man, can you imagine how bad that would have been if my dad had caught us going into the closet together...”
This of course sent me into wild peals of laughter. Really, it wasn't very funny, but I was tired and beginning to teeter on the edge of hysteria. “Tay, we need to go back before your parents send Jason out to look for us.”
“Okay.” He said leaning down and kissing me one last time before taking my hand again and leading me back towards the conference room.
“Tay, why do I feel like I'm heading toward the tribunal during the Spanish inquisition?”
“Probably the same reason I do.” He said taking a deep breath and stopping in front of the door. He put his hands on either side of my face and searched my dark eyes. “But, if there is one thing I can say for my parents, they are reasonable people...”
“I know.” I said, wrapping my arms around him.
“And, I promise you this...” He said his voice thick with emotion. “They aren't taking you away from me...”
“Taylor, be reasonable...” I began.
“No, they always told us if we wanted to stop then we could stop.” He said calmly. “And If I have to choose between this and you... I’d pick you.”
“Taylor, you don't mean that...”
“Oh, but I do.” He said tears brimming in his suddenly too blue eyes. “Why am I doing this if I don't get to be happy...”
Suddenly,
I had this overwhelming feeling this would be the last time I would get
to do this. The last time I would ever get to hold Taylor.
I buried my face in his chest and breathed deeply. They say smell
is the strongest sense for triggering memories
and
I wanted to always remember him like this. As my shining blue eyed
knight... “Taylor, I love you.”
“I love you too.” He said taking his own deep breath. He was leaning down to kiss me again when the door was yanked open, scaring both of us. “Uh... Dad, we were just coming in...”
“Of course you were son.” Walker said gently. Was that a chuckle in his voice? Was he seriously not angry? He stepped back and held out his arm, inviting us to enter the room. He quickly ushered us to chairs set across from each other at the table. “Taylor, Cleo, I suppose you know why you're here...”
“Yes sir.” Taylor said. I just looked at my hands. I was afraid that once I found my voice, I would just begin to sob hysterically.
“And why is that?” Walker said. To me, this was cruel and unusual punishment. In the Hanson family, there was very little yelling and almost no corporal punishment, but the child in trouble had to recount their transgression. They had to confess their sin. I much prefer my mother's high pitch shriek of anger, her sharp and angry tones, to this retelling of what you've done wrong.
“Dad...” Taylor said. His face was now a brilliant shade of red. I've known him his whole life and I don't think I've ever seen him so crimson. “Are you really going to make me...”
“Yes Taylor, you have to tell us what you've done.” Diana said her voice as smooth as silk and as sweet as honey. “We need to know that you understand why what you've done is wrong.”
“But, Mom, the thing is...” Taylor began turning towards his mother. “I don't think what I've done is wrong. I love Cleo... I mean, truly love her...” As the words came out of his mouth, my eyes grew larger and larger. “Maybe the drinking was wrong, but after... Mom, Dad, I really love her.”
Diana just sighed, she was surprisingly calm. When my mother first found my diaphragm... Well, you would have thought the world was going to a screeching halt 'cause her baby was having sex. “Taylor, baby... I know you love her... It doesn't change the fact that you got very, very drunk and then had pre-marital sex...”
“Actually, it's mostly my fault.” I said, my voice made me jump. I didn't even know I was going to say that. I began to squirm in my seat as all eyes turned towards me. “I could have told him no when he said he wanted to get drunk...”
“That is partially true.” Walker said in his best dad voice. “Either one of you could have said no at any time...”
“I'm sorry.” I said. “I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am...”
“Well, I'm not.” Taylor said crossing his arms across his chest. A look of defiance painted itself across his face. Suddenly the resemblance between him and Zoë was erased. He might have well have been a petulant five year old being told he had to come in for a bath.
“Actually, we're not angry.” Walker began. While Diana was the picture of calm, Walker was not. He kept fidgeting and clearing his throat. Each of his sentences was full of hems and haws. “We always knew one day we would be having this conversation with one of our sons about Cleo... I just never figured it would be you...”
“You thought you'd have this conversation about Cleo?” Taylor asked.
“Yes...” Diana said quietly. I looked over at her through my eyelashes. Her blue eyes held no reproach. She reached out and patted my hand gently. “It was almost inevitable that one of you would end up with her.”
“True.” Walker said. “I have to admit I was about Cleo and Isaac and all the time they spent alone, but that worry was put to rest when we came back from LA and Cleo was dating Jarrod...”
“Taylor, were you at least careful?” Diana asked. Her cheeks were beginning to flush an unnaturally pink tint. “Did you use protection?”
“Mom, I am not going to talk about the specifics of my sex life with you...” Taylor began.
“You know, if you are old enough to be having sex, you should be old enough to talk rationally about it.” Walker said. “And, we aren't asking about specifics, we are just asking if you used a condom?”
“No.” Taylor said putting his hand over his eyes.
“Cleo, are you on the pill?” Diana asked very matter of fact. At this question, I almost fell out of my chair. I could not believe I was having this conversation.
“N...no...” I stammered.
“But, I am fully ready and willing to take responsibility for anything that may happen.” Taylor said.
“Taylor, a baby would radically change your life...” Walker said. “Not to mention even change you career.”
“Baby?” I asked. “No one said anything about a baby... I'm NOT having a baby.”
“Cleo, calm down.” Walker said. “We aren't saying you are pregnant. But that is always a possibility...”
“The thing is I'm so disappointed...” Diana said. When she said that tears sprang up in my eyes. “I mean, aside from the completely irresponsible choice you've made, I think the worst part is the lying..
“Lying?” Taylor asked. “I haven't lied!”
“Taylor, we know about the morning of Thad’s funeral.” Walker said. At that I closed my eyes. I could no longer even make eye contact with Taylor, let alone Walker or Diana. I felt my head slowly pitch forward until my forehead connected with the cool marble table top.
“How do you know about that?” Taylor demanded, the tone of defiance fading.
“Ashley actually told us about it when we decided not to come out on tour for the first 6 weeks.” Diana said. “He felt he needed to warn us about Cleo and her designs on you.”
“Mom, that was the only time...” He began softly. His tone lowering to match that of his mother.
“I know son.” She said, I heard the door creak open behind me, but I didn't care who it was. Truthfully, I just wanted this conversation to be over. “A mother knows these things... It's just the day of Thad’s funeral when you came down the stairs leading an almost comatose Cleo by the hand, I knew there was something wrong, something different...”
“I think what threw us all off though was Cleo’s haircut.” Walker said. There is nothing like people having a conversation about you with you there. They were literally discussing the worst day of my life as if I weren't in the room. “And that she had changed so completely... I hardly recognized her as the girl we had gone to the river with only 5 days earlier. The girl we had rushed to the emergency room with a broken leg only hours before leaving for Los Angeles... The girl who was always ready with a joke...” His voice caught in his throat. “She was in so much pain and when you came down the stairs with her, some of that seemed to be lifted. Sarah even commented on how grateful she was for you and your help.”
I was now unabashedly crying onto the tabletop.
“But Mom, when did I lie?” Taylor asked. That was another thing. In the Hanson family, anything was forgivable, but lying. It honestly didn't matter what you had done as long as you owned up to it and took your punishment. There was very little of the “but, mom” you see in so many other families.
“By not telling us the whole truth, you were committing the lie of omission.” Diana explained. I could feel the breath getting trapped in my chest. I couldn't breathe in and I couldn't breathe out. I was truly breathless. I heard the door to the conference room swing closed behind whoever had just walked in. “To be perfectly honest, I find the incident 6 years ago to be more shocking than what happened last night. Isaac, what is it?”
“Umm... Sorry to interrupt, but...” Ike began his voice soft and unsure. “Mac and Zoë are starving...”
“Get Jason to take him down to the cafeteria.” Walker said.
“And Mom,” Ike said tentatively. “Zac is asking for you.”
“Okay,” Diana said moving to stand up.
“I’ll pack all of my stuff when I get back to the hotel...” I said slowly raising up my head. “I’ll quit, so you don't have to fire me...”
“What?” Four voices demanded.