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Everlong
Hello. I've waited here for you. Everlong.
Breathe out, so I can breathe you in,
And I wonder when I sing along with you,
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As Taylor maneuvered the familiar beige van through the streets of Mobile, I felt the tears leaking down my cheeks. It seemed I could only breathe when I gave in and cried. I sat in the passenger seat of this van as I had so many times and wondered how I had gotten here. Wondered how I landed in this mess. Taylor’s hand reached across the gap between seats searching for my hand. As I gripped his hand, I looked over at him. His eyes roamed over the road, glinting with the light of the oncoming cars. I leaned my head back and watched as he drove. He was chewing on his bottom lip, a habit he’s had for as long as I could remember. I’m sure he’d have his fingers in his mouth as well, if I weren’t holding one and he wasn’t steering with the other. He stopped at a red light and he turned towards me, he gently reached out and tucked a stray hair behind my ear. “Cleo, it’s going to be alright.” He said quietly. I wondered what he was referring to, because right now, nothing felt like it was going to be alright again.
I closed my eyes, his beauty was beginning to break my heart. His absolute perfection seemed to catch in the back of my throat and choke me. I loved him so completely. I couldn’t think of anything I wouldn’t do for him... Including leaving him. His admission he would leave the band if they fired me kept running through my head. I knew I had to leave, despite everyone’s assurance I didn’t need to quit. I needed to leave and leave in such a way Taylor didn’t follow me. Because, after I told them I was leaving, all hell seemed to break loose. Everyone in the room lost the basic control mechanism that kept them from speaking too loudly. I had once again lowered my head to the table as all around chaos erupted. “Cleo, don’t be ridiculous.” Diana said. “No one is asking you to quit...”
“If Cleo goes home, I’m going with her...” Taylor began, his voice once again petulant.
“Taylor, be reasonable...” Ike said.
“All we are asking,” Walker began. “Is for you to control yourselves...”
“Control? What are you talking about?” Ike demanded. “What is going on?”
“It’s nothing honey...” Diana said as a tearful Zoë wandered through the door.
“Mommy...” She sobbed. “I am so hungry...”
“Well, I think that mostly you are tired.” Diana said scooping Zoë up in her arms. “Cleo, would you mind taking the kids to the hotel so they can get some sleep tonight...”
I quickly lifted my head off the table. “Not at all.” I said actually glad to have a reason to leave this cursed hospital behind.
“I think I’ll go with her.” Taylor said stifling an enormous yawn. He gathered his little sister out of his mothers arms. “I am so tired. Ike, you wanna come with us? You’ve been here as long as Cleo and I.”
“No, I think I’ll stay here with Mom and Dad.” Ike said sinking onto one of the cots set up along the wall. “I just want to stay here...”
“I do too.” Jessica said walking into the room.
“Not me.” Avery said. “I want to go with Cleo and Taylor.”
“Alright, you can go but just think about what we talked about.” Walker said as I stood to leave .
“Don’t worry, I will.” I said. “I’ll do nothing but think about what we talked about.” This had set off a chain of events that ended with me in the van with Zoë, Mac and Avery as Taylor drove. Taylor driving anywhere was a noteworthy event. Seriously, when they’re on tour, they’re driven everywhere. Not only was it easier, but in the end much less likely to end up in a lawsuit. But, everyone had agreed Jason was needed at the hospital. We should be safe in the hotel. A shriek went up among the girls still standing vigil in front of the hotel. I jumped out quickly and yanked the sliding door open. A bleary eyed Zoë jumped into my arms, followed by an equally bleary Mac. Avery stepped out of the van and just put her head down and walked straight into the hotel. I followed Taylor as he herded Mac through the front doors. Taylor, Avery and Mac headed straight for the elevators, I walked over to the counter. Julia’s familiar face popped up from behind the desk. “Man, do you ever go home?” I asked.
“Actually, the overnight shift is my regular shift.” She said smiling. “I just worked the other day to cover my friends ass. What can I do for you?”
“First, I need to get a room on the 3rd floor for me.” I said.
“Do you want it on the east end with the rest of the crew?” I nodded my head. She typed something furiously in the computer and then stepped over to the printer and pulled off a sheet of paper. “I just need you to sign right here.”
“Okay.” I said shifting a very heavy Zoë in my arms. I heard the crowd breathe a collective sigh of disappointment as the elevator doors closed whisking Taylor up to his room. “Second, are there any bellboys or whatever here?”
“Yeah.”
“Good!” I said sighing in relief. “The beige van right out front is the Hanson’s van... Do you think someone could park it and bring the luggage in the back up to the Suite?”
“Of course.” Julia said taking the keys I extended towards her, exchanging them for the keycard. She laughed when she noticed the keychain was a Hanson keychain. “Cleo, thanks again for inviting me up to meet them. They really are very cool guys.”
“I know.” I said as I walked to the elevator. Zoë was heavy with sleep. I felt myself beginning to sag under her weight. The girls out front had begun to sing a very off-key version of Mmmbop even though it was just me holding a sleeping Zoë. Why didn’t they just go away? If the girls went away, then life would return to normal. Although normal had left 6 years earlier, I yearned to have it back. I felt sobs beginning to build in my throat. I needed to be away from the screaming teenies outside. “Zoë, I love your brother. And, I wish I didn’t. But God help me, I love him so much it physically hurts me.” I whispered into her crazy, blonde curls. I felt her sigh in her sleep as I stepped into the elevator and hit the button for the 12th floor. “But, I’m going to do something I never thought I’d do... I’m going to break his heart.”
When I got up to the room. Mac and Avery were both slumped onto the couch eating something that couldn’t very easily pass for food. But then again, I had always thought Lunchables were utterly disgusting. Taylor walked out of what had been Zac’s room. “Cleo, bring Zo in here.”
I stepped through the door and saw Taylor had turned down the sheets on the bed. I laid Zoë on the bed and Taylor quickly took off her shoes, shorts and Hello Kitty watch before tucking her in and planting a kiss on her forehead. Between the two of us, we had most of Zac’s stuff picked up within just a few minutes, we stowed it in Taylor’s room. “Tay, I need to clean my room and take my stuff downstairs.”
“What?” Taylor demanded. “Why?”
“Well, where are your parents going to sleep?” I asked as I stopped in front of the door to my room.
“I don’t know...” He said slowly. “In Ike’s room?”
“Where is Ike going to sleep?”
“In my room...” Taylor said walking over to the door to the suite. The porters had arrived with an astounding amount of luggage, especially considering Diana only had a few minutes to throw it all together.
“So, you AND Mac are going to share a bed? ‘Cause Ike won’t share with either of you... And remember Mac kicks. Anyway, you know your parents aren’t going to let Ike and Emory to share a room.” Mac looked up at the mention of his name. “Unless, you want Emory to sleep downstairs.”
“I’ll share a room with Emory when she gets here...” Mac said. “She’s hot.”
“No, I guess you’ll have to share with me.” Taylor said as he handed the porters some cash.
“No, please... Taylor talks in his sleep.” Mac said protesting. “And he is such a pig! I don’t want to live in his mess.”
“Nice Mac.” Taylor and I said at the same time.
"No, I think Emory and Avie can share Ike's room, while Jess and Zo share Zac's room... Mac, you’ll have to sleep on the couch out here... And poor Ike, we'll have to figure out a way to unbury the second bed in Tay's room." I said.
"Nice Cleo." Taylor, Mac and Avery said together. This pretty much dissolved all of us into giggles. I pushed the door to my room open. The room was spotless. The bed was made. The garbage’s were emptied. Where Zac had thrown up was now just a damp spot on the carpet. My suitcases were all closed and neatly stacked against a wall. Other than picking up my toiletries and stowing my laptop back in it’s bag, my stuff was actually all put away. It was almost as if I knew this was going to happen, but then again, I always was a very clean person. I grabbed the closest suitcase and a couple bags and slung them over my shoulder. Taylor grabbed a few more bags and my other suitcase. We balanced my box of shoes between us. This is my life: 2 large suitcases, a purse, a Scooby Doo messenger bag, a laptop, a video camera, an over sized carry-on and a huge Rubbermaid storage box filled with shoes.
“Avie, we’re going to take my stuff down to my room on the 3rd floor.” I said. “It’s room 318 if you need us before we come back up.”
“We’ll be right back.” Taylor said as he followed me out of the room. “Cleo, what do you have in this bag? It weighs a ton.”
“Clothes, Einstein.”
“Okay, but when did you start wearing chain mail?” As the elevator doors closed, I smiled over at him. He set down my bags and leaned up against me. When his lips connected with mine, the earth stopped moving. It felt like this moment was meantto last forever. When he pulled away, I realized why the earth had stopped moving; He had stopped the elevator again. He put his hands around my waist and slowly pushed me against the wall. “So, Cleo, do you usually not wear any underwear?”
“Taylor, we are in a public elevator.” I said trying to push him away from me.
“So, we are.” He said wickedly. He kissed me then. And really, that is all it took.
“Taylor,” I breathed, threading my hands through his thick, slightly sticky, blonde hair. Soon we were wrestling in the elevator just as we had 2 days earlier. Only this time when I landed on the floor, he didn’t simply suspend himself over me, he ground down onto me. And God help me, I didn’t want him to stop. “Tay, I have my own room...” He stopped my words with another barrage of kisses. “Taylor, really...” I began again as he moved his mouth along my jaw, down my neck. “Do I have to knee you in the basket to get you off of me?”
“Okay, you win.” He said slowly standing up and then offering me his hand. He pulled the stop button out and the world began to move again. We had just gathered all the bags back up, when the doors slid open on the 3rd floor. I found my room and popped the keycard into the electronic lock. I was assaulted by the too clean smell and too cold air of every hotel room I’ve ever been in. I set my bags down on the bed nearest the door. I heard the door swing shut and Taylor drop the bags. Before I could even turn around, he had his arms around me showering me with feather light kisses, his lips felt warm and smooth. He walked me backwards until my legs hit the edge of my bed. As I fell back, he pinned me down kissing my forehead, my eyes, my lips, my jaw. As his kisses started down my neck, his hands found their way into my shirt, slowly tracing patterns over my stomach.
“Tay.” I breathed as he lifted my shirt over my head. He began to kiss me lightly on my stomach, sucking, licking. I threaded my hands through his hair, pulling him back up to my mouth. As we kissed, I fumbled awkwardly with his shirt, finally finding the bottom and pulling it up over his head. His skin felt overheated, too hot to be real. Where his flesh touched mine, it ignited tiny fires. When he moved away, I felt instantaneous goosebumps raise. My hand slid across his back, feeling his muscles expand and contract with his breathing. Soon, our pants were pooled with our shirts, both of us breathing in gasps. “Tay, we have to stop.”
“Please,” Taylor breathed, his hand sliding over my bare flesh. He began to kiss me again. I slid my hands under the waistband of his boxers, when the phone rang and I stopped. “Ignore it.”
“No, Tay,” I said sliding out from under him. “It could be the hospital... Hello?”
“Cleo,” Avery said. “Mac is being a total jerk, he just smashed cheese into my hair. When you coming back up?”
“Av, we’re coming up... in a few minutes...” I said, looking down at Taylor, he would definitely need a few minutes to compose himself. As I hung up the phone, Taylor laid his head on my bare stomach. “Tay, we have to go.”
“I know.” He said.
“It’s not that I don’t want to,” I said, pulling open one of my suitcases. Suddenly realizing I was standing in front of him basically naked and I didn’t care. “It’s just... Well, we’re being watched so closely.”
“I know.” He said. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too.” I said tears springing to my eyes.
“I meant what I said earlier.” He said as he pulled his shirt back on. “I’ll chose you if they make me decide...”
“Taylor, I would never ask that of you.” I said.
“I know, but that is part of why I love you.” He said pulling me into a hug as I smoothed the sundress I had just pulled on.
I wiggled out of his grasp and walked away. “You, my boy, need to go and take care of things, before we go upstairs...”
“Cleo...” He said blushing a brilliant shade of red.
“What? You don’t think anyone will notice the enormous....”
“Okay, I get the picture.” He said swaggering towards the bathroom. “I’ll splash some cold water on my “face.” But, you’re right about one thing...” He said stopping in the bathroom door. “It is enormous...”
Once we were both composed, we walked out to the wait for the elevator. He slid up next to me and slipped his hand in mine. I looked up at his face and he smiled at me. Maybe, just maybe I could make this work. Maybe, just maybe, we could be together in a way that wouldn’t upset anyone. And for once, it was me who pulled him into the hug. It was me who couldn’t get enough of him. As the elevator doors opened, I could hear the yelling before I even stepped off.
“Mac!! Stop it!” Avery was shrieking.
“Make me!” Mac yelled back. I pushed the door open just in time to catch Mac throwing the contents of a Jello pudding snack at Avery.
“Joshua Mackenzie Hanson!” I said trying not to laugh. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing.” Mac said suddenly stopping and looking really, really guilty.
“Well, your nothing is running down the wall.” Taylor said.
“I’m sorry.” Mac said.
“Well, I hate to be the mean one here, but you both have to clean that up.” I said trying to sound like a disciplinarian.
“But, I didn’t do it.” Avery protested.
“Cleo?” Zoë said from the door of her room rubbing her eyes. When she looked up at me she had big, fat tears in her eyes. The poor baby was exhausted. “Is my Mommy here?”
“No sweetie, she isn’t.” I said walking over and hugging her. “Let’s get you back in bed, okay?” She nodded.
“You, both of you, clean up this mess right now. And then go to bed. Avery, you sleep in Ike’s room and Mac, you sleep out here on the couch.” Taylor said as I gathered Zoë back up in my arms and started back into her room.
“Okay.” Mac said, as Avery picked chunks of cheese out of her hair. I picked Zoë up and walked back into her room.
“Will you lay down with me?” Zoë asked.
“Yes, of course.” She climbed into her bed and I lay next to her.
“Cleo, are you my sister?”
“No, honey, just your friend.”
“My Mommy says she loves you like a daughter.” I felt my heart sink, wondering if she still felt the same about me today.
“Does she? That’s nice.” I said twirling one of her errant curls around my finger. “Well, I love her like a mother.”
“But you’re not my sister, right?” I nodded. “My daddy says you are sad all the time.”
“He does?”
“Yeah, he says you don’t have joy anymore... He says sometimes you make everyone sad. You don’t make me sad.” She said yawning. She was quiet for a minute, I could tell she was still thinking. She was pulling on her lip. “Do you love Taylor?”
“Zoë, I love all of you, not just Taylor.” I said kissing her on the forehead.
“But you kiss Taylor.”
“I do sometimes.”
“Do you kiss Isaac or Zac like that?” Her face was a study in serious thought.
“No, I don’t...”
“So, you do love Taylor more. I thought so.” She said a small smile curling the corners of her lips. I watched as her blue eyes slowly fluttered closed. Within a few minutes, she was breathing slowly and steadily. I laid next to her watching her face so alive in sleep. She really did look a lot like Taylor. Her eyelids moved gently in sleep. She was so beautiful and real. Watching her, I could almost hear her soft lisping voice asking me the questions I didn’t want to answer. She, in her innocence, was able to boil it down to it’s most essential. I am sad a lot of the time. I do make those around me sad. She is so sweet and pure and untouched by the world. I would never want to make her sad.
And it occurred to me Taylor is as pure and untouched as Zoë. He has been famous since he was 13. I don’t think he’s been anywhere truly alone ever in his life. He has been protected and kept away from the world so much. Really, he isn’t a spoiled brat or a rock diva, but he has no concept of wanting and not getting. He is so insulated from meeting anyone who isn’t sanctioned, how does he know he really loves me? She whispered something in her sleep, something soft and unintelligible. And suddenly, I had an insight into how a mother must feel about her children, how his mother must feel about him. Diana loves him so much, he isn’t her baby, but then again, he is. He has always been the one who loved her so much, went to her with every problem, never went against what she asked. He truly was the good son. He was the one she felt she had to protect from making “unwise” choices. I noticed movement by the door, Taylor was watching us. He walked into the room and squatted by the bed next to his baby sister. He kissed her on the forehead. “Are Avery and Mac in bed?”
“Pretty much,” he said smoothing back Zoe’s curls. “Avery’s taking a shower to get the cheese out of her hair, but she was having a hard time staying awake while they cleaned up pudding. Come on.” He said grabbing my hand and pulling me after him. He pulled me out past his sleeping brother to the balcony. He wrapped his arms around me and began to slowly sway back and forth. We stood in the crisp, clean moonlight and turned lazy circles neither one of us saying anything. Really, there was no need for words. We knew each other so well, we didn’t need to talk anymore. So, we stood in the moonlight and learned each others breathing, each others heartbeat. It felt so good to just be, to just hold one another. He tried to stifle a yawn, but didn’t do a very good job.
“Tay, let’s go inside, get some sleep.” I said breaking the silence.
“Okay.” He said letting me lead him into his room. I gently pulled him towards the bed and pushed him down.
“You sleep.” I ordered putting my finger on his chest, before sliding into the bed next to him. He folded his arms around me, settling into me. And I tried to sleep, I honestly tried. But the longer I laid there, the less I wanted to sleep. I started to wiggle, causing him to stir. I decided I needed to get up. I gently wriggled out from under his arm. I couldn’t turn on the light to read, because I would wake up Taylor. I couldn’t go out into the great room to watch television, cause then I’d wake up Mac. I noticed his laptop sitting at his desk, so I flipped it open and waited for the welcome screen to come up. His homepage was Hanson.net, which made me laugh. He was such a dork in so many ways. But he loved the fans, he honestly did. Sometimes, when the fans complained that Hanson.net wasn’t all it should be, he felt like he had somehow let them down.
Soon, I was surfing the net. Checking out the latest (and wholly incorrect) gossip. Reading some of the current fanfic. I pulled down his favorites menu and noticed Hanson.net bookmarked. Now, that was strange, it was his homepage, why would he have to bookmark it? I scrolled down to it and hit the enter key. Instead of Hanson.net, I found myself at a journal site. Why would Taylor deliberately hide a journal on his laptop? Well, I could only guess it had something to do with a brother who was currently in the hospital. I was about to close the browser when the title of the second entry down caught my eye.
What is most important to me.
Today, before the concert, I got in the biggest fight I’ve had with Zac
and Isaac in long time. I said
some things to them (and to Cleo) that I didn’t mean. When all was
said and done, Cleo had stormed
out of the room, Zac was in tears on the couch, and Ike wouldn’t even look
at me. I was feeling so bad
I had to call Mom and tell her everything. She listened and then
asked me what was the most
important thing in the world to me. And really, I thought it
was an easy list to make.
1. God
2. Family
3. Music
But then after I made the list, I began to think. Really, what is
most important? God, that goes
without saying. Truthfully, my faith in him has never really been
shaken. Family and music, those
two are so inexorably entangled, that I honestly don’t know when one begins
and the other ends
any longer. My band is my family, my family is my band. It
is all the same thing really. I mean
it when I say that, lots of bands say that and it is only lip service.
But when I say it, I mean it.
My blood brothers are my bandmates. And many of those around us,
Ashley, Scott, Matt, Jason,
Cleo, they are my spiritual siblings.
But then I began to think about it again. God is the most important
thing in my life, without question
and without a doubt. And in my life, music is God. I realize
that sounds blasphemous, but it’s true.
Music is God, because it is how I worship, how I show my respect and love.
If God is life.
And music is God.
Music is life.
I would die, literally cease to exist, without my music. Honestly,
I think I would die if tomorrow I woke
up and I had lost my ability to make music. I really have to
make it up to Ike and Zac. Despite the fact
Zac was sick, tonight’s show....
There was more after that but I couldn’t read any further. I rolled the chair I was sitting in back away from the desk and looked at Taylor. His face was a mask of shadows. He rolled over and the light from the open French doors fell full onto his face. He sighed in his sleep and muttered Zac’s name. How could I expect him to ever make any sort of sane decision about me now? Everything was so messed up and confused. He said he was willing to throw all of this away for me, but if he did how long before he began to resent me?
I knew what I had to do. I had to get leave. I had to make him think I didn’t care. I logged onto a travel website and found a flight from Mobile to Tulsa leaving tomorrow afternoon. So, tomorrow morning, I would take everyone back to the hospital, find some excuse to come back here, leave a note and go. Once I had all the numbers confirmed, I turned off the computer and just sat in the dark. I sat and watched Taylor as he slept, tossing and turning and just cried. When his eyes opened hours later, my tears had dried, but the sadness was still there.
“Hey,” he said smiling.
“Hey.” I said trying to smile back.
“You been up long?”
“Naw, I just got up.” I lied. “Should we get everyone up and head back over to the hospital?”
“Okay,” he said as he stood up and stretched. “Let me just take a shower.” He came over and tried to kiss me, I dodged his lips. “What?”
“You have icky morning breath.” I said smiling at him. “Brush your teeth and then come find me.” He just shook his head at me as he walked into the bathroom. I stood and stretched as well, time to go wake up Avery, Mac and Zoe. I turned and took one last look at the chaos that was Taylor’s life. I would miss this, miss him. But I knew I had made the right decision to go. I knew it, just like I knew the sun would rise tomorrow. But then again, I always knew Thad would be there to save me from myself. Now, I did need saving just as Isaac had suggested, but I was going to save myself. As much as I wanted to stay, I was also homesick. I needed my mom, my dad and most of all, I needed Thad, even if the only part of him I could have now was his headstone. I wanted to curl my toes in the thick grass in my backyard. I wanted to lay on my back and look up at the cloudless blue Tulsa sky through the trees. I wanted to go home.