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She's
leaving home
Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins
She (We gave her most of our lives)
She's leaving home
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I strode quickly through the airport looking for the gate where Emory’s flight had arrived. The last few days had been complete insanity and unfortunately, Emory’s flight had been one of the things forgotten in the craziness. Isaac wanted to come and pick her up, but there was no way he could leave the hospital or the hotel alone. This little trip to the airport was the excuse I needed to get out to the airport and pick up my ticket. So, when I came back later with my luggage, I wouldn’t need to go through the lines at the check in desk.
It started when we were sitting in the private waiting area and Isaac’s beeper went off. I looked up from my game of Crazy 8’s with Avery and Mac, I watched as he casually checked to see who it was. He tipped it forward and hit the view button, shrugged and looked away. He looked so tired, too tired. That boy needed some sleep, he should have come back to the hotel with us last night. As I watched him, his face fell and he jumped up as though he had been electrocuted. “Oh my God!”
“What?” Diana said rushing to Isaac’s side or at least trying to rush as much as someone on crutches can rush. “What is it? Do you feel alright?”
“Emory!” Isaac said, scrambling around, trying to gather his stuff scattered all around him. “I forgot to get Emory... Her plane landed about 20 minutes ago... I gotta go...”
“No.” Walker said. At the stern sound of Walker’s voice we all turned to him. Avery and Mac actually flinched a little.
“What?” Isaac said stopping. “I can’t leave her standing in an airport in a foreign country...”
“She’ll be fine, she speaks English.” Walker began. “And you’re not going out there alone, or at all. We’ll figure something else out.”
“Like what?” Isaac demanded. I could hear tears of rage building behind his voice. Isaac very rarely cracked, but I could feel it coming on.
“I’ll go.” I began. Everyone turned and looked at me. These were almost the first words I had volunteered since Taylor, Avery, Mac, Zoë and myself had gotten to the hospital today. And definitely the first I had spoken to Isaac. I pretty much was on autopilot, moving from room to room in a daze and speaking only when spoken to. “I’ll leave right now. Sue told me I could borrow her car whenever I needed to. You call Emory and tell her to wait where she is and I’ll be there soon. Lie to her, tell her I left a while ago, but the storm has made any travel hard. I’ll bring her back a long way... that way she’ll believe you...”
“Can I go?” Mac asked.
“No!” Came back the answer from every adult in the room.
“Cleo, you are the absolute best...” Ike said. Yeah, the best at killing your little brother. And breaking your other little brothers heart. Not to mention your heart. Really, I am the very best. And to tell the truth, I had wanted to get out of the room. I couldn’t sit and wait for the doctor to come and tell us the infection around Zac would definitely need a heart transplant, or he had died. Each time I walked into his room, he looked farther and farther away. It was like I was watching him leave us. Maybe a quick unexpected death was best, no lingering pain, no memories of someone vital wasting away.
I found myself running through the Mobile Airport, looking for a tall redhead with curly hair and the most amazing emerald eyes I have ever seen and trying to stuff my plane tickets in my purse. Yeah, she was the stereotypical Irish girl. I always expected her to start Irish dancing whenever I saw her. But, her name was Emory Golda Blonstein. She was actually a rarity, a Jewish-Irish girl. But after spending 6 weeks with her, I found her to be so much more than words. She really is perfect for Ike. Emory and I had spent many evenings together drinking Guinness and just talking about the world and the craziness surrounding the boys. I came barreling around a corner and there she sat, casually reading a magazine. “Emory?”
“Cleo! You got here a lot quicker than I thought you would.” She said standing up and greeting me with a hug and a kiss on each cheek. “I’ve missed all of you so much more than I thought would ever be possible.”
“Well, I hurried as fast as I could.” I said leaning down and gathering a few of her bags. “I’m sorry you had to wait at all and I’m so happy to have you back! I’ve missed having another “girl” on the bus.”
“Are they still teasing you mercilessly?”
“Sometimes.” I said. “Again, I’m sorry I wasn’t here to meet your plane.”
“No worries. I mean, this week has been fairly traumatic for everyone, including you.” She said in her lilting Irish accent. And really, her voice does lilt. After traveling the world, I noticed all “English” accents were so very different. I mean, the British sound like they have marbles in their mouths (and to be quite honest, sticks up their butts). The Scottish sound mad, as though in their conversation they are avenging the wrongs wrought upon them by the British. The South Africans sound like they have a secret language all their own; it sounds really, really similar to English, but it isn’t quite the same. The Indians sound like they are singing. The Australians, they always sound like they have just gotten off of work and are on their way to a party. Americans just sound lazy, like we can’t be bothered to learn the language. But the Irish, they sound like they are dancing with the language. “I told him I would’ve gladly hired a taxi, but Ike insisted this was easier. He said there are so many girls in front of the hotel and down to hospital without you there, I would never get through...”
“True.” I said as we stowed her suitcases in the back of the car. I unlocked the door for her and ran around and slid into the drivers seat. I had borrowed the car from Zac’s nurse. “Would you like to go to the hospital or straight to the hotel?”
“Oh, let’s just go to the hotel. I don’t want to bother Isaac.” Emory said as I maneuvered through the heavy airport traffic.
“I bet, he’d want to see you...” And really, I needed time to go back to the hospital to say goodbye to Zac. We drove along the unfamiliar streets of Mobile in silence, both of us looking at the damage wreaked by Hurricane Jordan. I looked over at her and I thought she was asleep. I turned down the radio and drove in silence. She had probably been up almost as long as I had. I decided to just let her sleep.
“Not after what I have to say to him.” She said after about 15 minutes of silence.
“Oh man, you scared me...” I said jumping.
“Sorry.”
“What did you mean?” I asked. I really liked her, but if she were here to break Isaac’s heart... Well, she was going down. Breaking Isaac’s heart, that was my job.
“Oh, I’m not here to tell him I never want to see him again. I mean, I could have very easily done that over the phone.” She began. “I’m just here to tell him, while I love him dearly, I’m just not ready to get serious. What if we make some sort of life decision and it turns out to be wrong? I can see myself being in love with him for the rest of my life, but what if I’m not? What if the amazing connection we seem to have is only through the Internet and over the phone? I mean, I barely know him, physically...”
“Thank goodness...” I said. “Let me tell you a little secret, but don’t let on you know...”
“Of course.” She said looking at me. Her creamy forehead was pulled together in a tight worried expression. I’ll bet she thought I was going to tell her he had already picked out the engagement ring or something equally upsetting.
“The other morning, Ike told me the exact same thing.” I watched as the worry slid from her face to be replaced by one of her Isaac sized smiles. “Let’s go to the hospital. I’ll bet once you get there we can talk Ike into going back to the hotel. He really, really needs a nap.”
“He needs some sleep?” She asked a devilish twinkle in her eye.
“Yeah, seriously... But first and foremost, he needs a shower. For someone who is so high on personal hygiene, he is getting a little....”
“Rank?” She asked again her voice lilting up. We both began to laugh as I pulled into the underground hospital parking using the nurses card to gain access. “Ike said you’d already left when I talked to him. He swore up and down he hadn’t forgotten, but he was lying wasn’t he?”
“Yeah, but it was my idea to lie...”
“You know, it’s things like this that make me love him.” Emory began. “I mean, he wanted so desperately to not upset me, he told a little white lie to protect my feelings. He is amazing.”
“You’re not mad he forgot about your plane?” I asked as we walked towards the elevators that would take us up into the hospital.
“No, of course not!” Emory laughed. “It seems perfectly normal to me. His brother is in very serious condition. I would hope I’m not the thing foremost in his mind...”
I watched her as we stood in the elevator and from her body language and the easy way she said it, she was definitely telling the truth. She really didn’t want to be Isaac’s every thought and breath. “You love Isaac because of who he is, not what he is, don’t you?”
“Of course.” She laughed. “I honestly don’t care what he does, ‘cause I’ll either love him or not for who he is... That didn’t make any sense did it?”
“Actually, you’d be surprised how much sense it makes....” I said as we stepped off the elevator. As we rounded the corner, Isaac was standing outside the room leaning against the wall.
“Isaac.” Emory said. He turned and saw her standing in the hallway. His expression changed so completely. He ran over to her and swept her up into his arms. “Hey, baby...”
“Oh Emory.” He said. “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I know, baby, I know...” She said taking his face in her hands. I watched as his smile slowly melted.
“Emory, it’s been so hard...” He said, his face crumpling like a piece of paper.
“I know...” She said as he put his head on her shoulder. “I know...”
I slipped into Zac’s room, not really wanting to intrude on their reunion. I turned to see Zac. His appearance literally made me gasp. He was so pale and drawn. The dark tan I’d been admiring a few days before was totally gone. I walked up to his bedside, leaning down and kissing him on the forehead. “Hey.” He said dragging his eyes open. “What’s up sexy?”
“Just got back from picking up Emory.”
“Ike must be happy.” He said. His voice was so shallow I had to lean in to catch his words. “Cleo, don’t take this wrong, but you look awful.”
“Why would I take that wrong?” I asked. He just smiled, or at least, he tried to smile. I’m sure he had some wonderful comeback, but he was too weak to offer it. “Zac, I just wanted to come in and tell you I love you.”
“I love you too.” He whispered.
“I just want you to remember that... always.” I said feeling tears building behind my eyes.
“Cleo, are you leaving?” He asked.
“No, I just need to sleep, so I’m going back to the hotel.” I said smiling and lying at the same time. “And I don’t want you to go anywhere before I get back...”
“It’s a lot worse than anyone will tell me, isn’t it?”
“No... You’re going to be fine?”
“Everyone is lying to me, don’t you lie too...” He said trying to take a deep breath. “I need someone to tell me the truth... I could die, couldn’t I?”
“Zac, I can’t...”
“Please, tell me... I just feel so sick. And I am so tired...”
“Zac, you have an infection around your heart...”
“That’s really bad, isn’t it?” He said lifting his hand, trying to grab my hand.
“It...it could be...” I said, gently guiding his hand to mine and threading my fingers through his. “But for you... it can’t be, because, I need you. You hear that Zac Hanson, I need you.”
“I’ll try not to die...” He said, his lips barely moving. “I will live for you... but it’s getting so hard...”
“I love you...” I said. “Zac... I just love you so much...” I sat and held his hand until I noticed his labored breathing evening out. I felt his fingers slowly loosen. The door behind me opened. I turned to see Emory and Isaac walk in to see Zac.
“Is he...” Ike whispered.
“He’s sleeping.” I said slipping my fingers from his. I noticed Emory’s face was a mask of shock, seeing how sick Zac was. “Are you going to go back to the hotel?”
“Yeah, Emory just wanted to see if he was awake, but since he’s not, we’re going to go...”
“I’m coming with you...” I said yawning. “I didn’t really sleep last night and I am getting very tired...”
“Okay, we were going to take the van back...” Isaac said.
“Just let me go tell Tay I’m going.” I said dragging myself out of the chair next to Zac’s bed. I walked slowly across to the conference room. As I opened the door all eyes turned towards me. “Hey, I just wanted to come and tell you I’m gonna go back to the hotel with Ike and Emory...”
“You are?” Tay asked.
“Yeah, I didn’t sleep much last night...”
“Okay,” Diana said.
“Cleo, thanks so much for going and picking up Emory.” Walker said.
“You really set Ike’s mind at ease.” Diana said.
“No problem, my pleasure.” I said turning to go. I was almost to the elevator when I heard the voice I had hoped I wouldn’t.
“Cleo, hold up.” Tay called. I stopped and turned around, I needed to get away from him while I still had the strength to go. “Cleo, do you want me to come back to the hotel with you?”
“Tay, I really am going back to go sleep.” I said, my eyes sliding over his shoulder. Suddenly the red Exit sign was the most interesting thing in the world. “Tay, I am just so tired...”
“Okay.” He said shoving his hands deep into his pockets. “You aren’t upset with me are you?”
“Naw. I’m just tired.” I said looking over to where Isaac and Emory were busily talking to one another. His face was shining with love. “I really couldn’t sleep last night.”
“Alright.” He said as I turned to go. His hands stopped me. “Cleo, are you sure you’re alright? You just seem so quiet...”
“I’m good. I just need sleep. I promise.” I tried to smile, but the tears in the back of my throat wouldn’t let me. Instead I leaned forward and planted a kiss on his lips. “I love you, you know that, right?”
“Yes, I do.” He said his eyebrows pulling together.
“No matter what, I will always, always love you.”
“I have always loved you.” He said hugging me tightly and planting a firm kiss on my lips. “Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you?”
“Yeah, I really need to just sleep.” My eyes were watering, my vision blurred by the tears brimming on my eyelashes. “Tay, if you come with me, I won’t... won’t want to sleep...” My voice broke with the suppressed sobs. “...and I am just so tired...”
Taylor pulled my glasses off and hung them in the neck of his shirt. Then he put his hands on either side of my face, softly rubbing his thumbs over my eyelashes. I felt the tears begin to slide down my cheeks. “Cleo, I hate that I make you cry...” I tipped my head down trying to escape his true, blue stare. His hands tightened and directed me back up to his face. “Cleo, why is that every time we say goodbye I’m afraid it’s the last time I’ll ever see you...”
“Tay, don’t...” I said. “I have to go...”
“Okay,” he said letting go of my face and placing my glasses back on my nose. “I just wish you’d let me come with you...”
“Your family needs you now...”
“Don’t you need me?”
“Always...” I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I reminded myself that I needed to be strong, that I needed to do what’s best for him, that I needed to leave. My resolve to leave was quickly crumbling. I could stay, we could make this work.
“Cleo, you coming?” Isaac called.
“Yeah, just a sec.” I said. I looked at Taylor, I wanted to tell him to come with me. We could lay in my bed together, our bodies warming each other in the cold hotel room. We could explore the parts of each other we had yet to venture into. But, how could that ever happen? No one would ever allow us this time. And really, I was just so tired, so very, very tired. “Tay, I need to sleep, let me sleep tonight and I’ll come back to the hospital tomorrow...” I planted one last quick kiss on his lips. “I love you.” I said as I rushed into the elevator.
“I love you too.” I heard him call. I turned to look at him, the way he was standing there looking so sad and defeated was forever burned into my mind. His normally thrown back shoulders rolled forward, his head usually held high hanging low, his chin practically resting on his chest, his hands jammed into his pockets. As the doors began to shut, he looked up and I saw a single tear break free of his lashes. “Cleo, don’t go...” He said, his last word cut off by the door closing. As the elevator began it’s descent, I let out the breath I wasn’t even aware I was holding.
“You okay?” Isaac asked.
“Yeah, just really, really tired.” I said as the elevator stopped. We stepped out of the elevator and into the underground garage. We grabbed Emory’s bags out of the back of Sue’s car and stowed them quickly in the back seat of the van. I crawled into the van and laid down on the back seat, Isaac and Emory climbed into the front seat. I listened as they chatted back and forth. Even though they hadn’t seen each other for almost 3 months, they were already totally comfortable with each other. She casually reached across and fixed the collar on his shirt. He caught her hand and gently kissed her fingertips. I closed my eyes and just listened to the sounds of their voices, not their words. And it occurred to me that they sound like an old married couple. The soft, unhurried words sounded like Diana and Walker. I wondered if Taylor and I would ever sound like that, I had to close my eyes to keep the tears from starting to flow again. Cause, I knew the answer.
There had been screams when we left the hospital and now, there were more screams as we pulled up in front of what I assumed was the hotel. I heard both doors open and close and then the sliding door was pulled open. “Cleo,” Ike whispered into my ear. “We’re at the hotel, wake up.”
“Mhmm...” I moaned as I sat up and stretched, my back cracking back into place. I followed them into the hotel and made a bee line for the front desk. Unfortunately, the face behind the desk was totally unfamiliar to me. I wanted Julia behind the desk. I needed to see Julia. “Excuse me...”
“Yes, can I help you?”
“Yeah, I’m Cleo Burton and I’m in a room on the 3rd floor.” I began my story. “I am literally exhausted and I need to sleep. I was wondering if it were possible to put a total block on my phone?”
“Um, yes.” The anonymous girl behind the desk said. “Would you like me to put a note in housekeeping to not clean that room tomorrow?”
“Yeah, that’d be great.” I said as I turned to go up to my room.
“Hey, Cleo.” Julia said as she walked around the corner, carrying a gym bag.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Oh, I come and work out here.” She said laughing. “You’re right, I’m always here...”
“So, are you going home now?”
“In a minute... Why?” She asked stretching out. “Do you need a ride somewhere?”
“Actually, yes...” I said. “I need a ride somewhere and I need you to never tell anyone where you took me...”
“Are you leaving?” She asked.
“Yes.” I said, my breath was hitching in my chest. I was fighting the urge to cry. “I need a ride to the airport.”
“Okay.” She said. “I need to go talk to my supervisor for a minute, then I’ll come up and help you carry your bags out to my car. This is really serious isn’t it?”
“Yes.” I said. “I just really, really need to go home and sleep in my bed.”
“I’ll be up soon....” She walked away as I stepped into the elevator. When I walked into my room, I sat on the edge of the bed and began the painful process of writing the note I needed to leave. I didn’t know what I wanted to say, but I had to say something.
If you’ve found this note, then you’ve obviously figured out that I’ve
left. I had to leave
for so many reasons, not the least of which is because of Zac.
You all say that you
don’t blame me, but I blame myself. And at this time, I feel like
my being here is doing
more harm than good to the band. This is the hardest note I’ve had
to write and it just
makes my heart hurt to think that I won’t see all of you everyday anymore.
But I need
to leave, I will never get on with my life if I don’t leave you.
Taylor, you say you would leave the band for me, but I can’t let you do
that. Music is
your first and true love, not me. You would die without your music
and I’ve already tried
to kill your brother.
Isaac, I am so sorry I couldn’t love you the way you deserve to be loved.
You and
Emory are so perfect for one another, why would you ever even think I could
be that
good for you.
And Zac, there aren’t enough words in the English language for me to apologize
to you.
I wish I could feel the pain for you. Please be well for me.
Please remember I love all of you as though you were my own family, more
in fact. I want
to thank you for the amazing opportunity to see the world through your
eyes. I will always
be grateful that I knew you and that you were willing to allow me to see
all that I’ve seen.
Love always,
Cleo.
I finished the note and put it on the table in my room. I piled the laptop, palm pilot, video and digital cameras next to it. I took all of the credit cards and passports out of my Scooby Doo bag. I recorded a message on my cellphone saying I was unavailable, but to be sure and leave a message, before turning the ringer off and setting it next to the growing pile of stuff I was leaving for them. I turned the ringer off of my phone in the room. I duct taped my box of shoes shut and put the locks on my suitcases. I pulled the bed apart and put some pillows in the bed as though I was curled up under the covers. I had taken my sound machine out of my bag and set it to running water.
I had just sat down on the bed again when I heard a knock on the door. “Hello?” I said through the door.
“Cleo, are you ready?” Julia asked through the door.
“Yes.” I said pulling the door open. She walked in with a luggage cart which was quickly filled. I hung the Do Not Disturb sign on the door knob and headed for the elevator.
“Cleo, I pulled my car around to the back of the hotel so we could take the back elevator. I thought you might want to be more anonymous than just tripping out the front door.” She said leading me down a back hallway to a service elevator.
“Thank you. I don’t think I can fully express to you how grateful I am for this...” I said as the elevator trundled us to the first floor.
“No need for thanks.” She said smiling as we loaded all of my stuff into her car. I climbed into the passenger seat and leaned my head back. For the second time today, I was going to the Mobile airport, but this time I wasn’t coming back. I watched as the Alabama scenery flowed past me. Before I knew it, she was pulling in front of the airport. She got out of the car and unloaded my luggage, she told the sky cap which flight I was on, she opened my car door and helped me out of the car. “Cleo, you take care... I hope that whatever happened will be alright.” She smiled one last smile and climbed into her car, leaving me standing on the curb of an airport just wanting to cry.
Somehow, I managed to find my way to my gate with just enough time to actually board the plane before it took off. I settled into my seat and breathed a sigh of relief. In four short hours, I would be getting off a plane in my hometown. I leaned my head back and tried not to think of all that I was leaving behind. I began to concentrate on my breathing, on my heartbeat, on the noise of the airplane. We landed in Houston and I changed planes. But it all felt like I was in a fog. I boarded the next plane and sat down, this flight wasn’t booked, so I got a row to myself. So, I laid down and tried to sleep, but my brain refused to shut off. Thoughts of home kept chasing through my brain. I wanted to be in my bed, in my room, in my house, on my street, in Jenks, in Tulsa County, Oklahoma. Soon, the captain came on overhead. He was giving the local time and temperature for my hometown. As I looked out the window, the familiar Tulsa skyline glinted before me.
I was home.
It had been awhile since I had been able to say that. But at that moment, Tulsa had never felt more like home.