 |
It's Been Awhile
It's been awhile
Why must I feel this way?
It's been awhile
|
|
It's Been Awhile
It's been awhile
Why must I feel this way?
It's been awhile
|
It's been awhileI listened to the insistent ringing in my ear. “Come on, Mom... You have to be in.” I said as her voicemail clicked on.
“Hello, this is Sarah Burton. It is the 24th of August and I will be out of the office until the 3rd of September. Please, leave me a detailed message with your name, phone number, date and time of your call and the case it is regarding. If you need immediate assistance, hit 9 after the beep.”
“Hey Mom, it's me Cleo.” I said into the void. “I'm back in Tulsa right now, but I guess you're not around to come and pick me up at the airport... If you get any messages from any of the Hanson family, you don't know where I am. Okay? I’ll explain everything when I get home.” I hit the 9 when I was done and waited for Margaret, my mothers harried secretary to answer. Even though it was well after 6:00 p.m., I knew she'd still be there. She didn't come in until 11:00 am, so she could stay late with my mother. My mom had an answering service until Margaret got there, ‘cause there was no way my mother would be at all successful without her amazing secretary. So, she paid Margaret obscene amounts of money to work from 11:00 am to 7:00 p.m.. Margaret may well be the only legal secretary in Tulsa to drive a BMW.
“Sarah Burton’s office.” A very chipper, heavily Tulsa accented voice chirped. “How can I help you?”
“Hey Margaret.” I said smiling wanly. I loved Margaret. She had been my mothers legal secretary for pretty much my whole life. She was a sweet, warm character with just a touch too much personality, but a mind like a steel trap. She should have been a lawyer. She always had cookies for Thad and I in her drawer. She had called me “duckling” and Thad was always “handsome.” Margaret was the only one who told me it was okay to cry at Thad’s funeral. Everyone else told me to be brave... I love that woman.
“Oh, duckling, how are you?” She asked. Her voice made me want to cry.
“I'm good.” I said. “Hey, is my mom out of town, out of the office or just not at work?”
“No, ducky, she's gone. In fact, she just called and told me she may not be back until the 5th. Why?” Margaret said distractedly. I could almost see her sitting at her desk (probably dressed in something vampy and red) and typing madly.
“Oh, I'm home for a few days and I just need a ride from the airport.” I said, knowing she would offer to come get me. I just needed a ride, I didn't care who it was with.
“Ducky, I would do it, but I'm leaving in about 5 minutes to head for OKC.” Margaret said. “Tanisha’s marrying that no good bum Sharif tomorrow... I could call Jerome and see if he could meet you...”
“No,” I said leaning my forehead against the phone my chin quivering. “I can call my dad...”
“Honey, he's with your momma. Couldn't you just call one of the Hanson’s? I'm sure Diana would gladly run down and pick you up...” Oh man, she didn't know I had tried to kill Zac. I would given anything to hear my mother's voice right this minute.
“I know who I can call,” I said as the tears began to flow down my cheeks. “I’ll call one of my sorority friends.”
“Okay, Ducks.” She said. I could tell she was moving around. “My Wilford just walked in, so I have to run. Remember your mama Margaret loves you...”
“Yes, you do.” I said as I hung up the phone. I slid down to the ground and just began to cry. Honestly, I could not think of one person I could call to come and get me. The people I had invested all my love and time into were in Alabama and I was running away from them. Really, I had lived in Tulsa my entire life and there was not one person I could call who would drop everything to come and rescue me. No one except maybe.... I hurriedly wiped the tears from my face and dialed the all too familiar number.
“Hello?” A deep and familiar voice said on the other end of the phone.
“Jarrod, it's me...” I said quietly. I wasn't sure if he would even talk to me after the way I broke up with him. But I thought maybe he'd come get me... This conversation was probably going to cost me my pride, but it would be a ride home.
“Cleo?” He asked. He sounded completely incredulous that it was me.
“Yeah, it's me.” I said, realizing I may have made an enormous mistake. “Listen, I am standing in the Tulsa airport and I need a ride home...”
“Okay, I'm on my way.” He said. “Just wait out front.”
“Thank you.” I said as he hung up the phone. I stood staring at the phone for a few minutes. Had I called the right person? Where were the recriminations? Where was the guilt trip? Where were the snide remarks? This person hadn't even said the familiar “you're gonna owe me big time.” If there was one thing I knew about Jarrod it was this, he loved to make me suffer. He constantly made nasty remarks to me about any and all of the Hanson boys, especially Taylor. He had gone so far as to throw me down a flight of stairs in one of his rages over me and Taylor just hugging. And Zac was right, I’d had more than one black eye from him. Still, he was a ride and he hadn't even hesitated. Maybe this would be okay. I slowly picked up all of my bags, which were more numerous than I remembered and walked outside and directly into the late summer heat of Tulsa, pushing my box of shoes with my feet. I dropped my bags near the door and sat on the ground next to them. I must have looked quite the fright sitting on the curb in front of the Tulsa airport surrounded by bags and crying. I was literally just leaking tears. I wasn't sobbing, tears were slowly just sliding down my cheeks. I was too tired to sob and too tired to fight the tears. I was so tired. I hadn't slept for about 60 hours and I could really feel it now. I lowered my forehead onto my bag and closed my eyes. I just needed some rest and a shower, everything would be okay if I could just rest...
“Cleo, honey, you've got to wake up.” A voice said poking me gently in the side. “Cleo, wake up!”
“Huh? Jarrod?” I said recognizing the voice. “What are you doing here?”
“Cleo, I'm here to pick up your sorry ass from the airport...” He said helping me to my feet and grabbing all of my bags. I mutely followed him to his pickup, idling at the curb, and climbed into the passenger seat. “How'd you break your arm?”
“It was an accident.” I said as he leaned across me and hooked the seat belt in for me. “Involving me, Zac, a shopping cart and a fairly sizable canned fruit display...”
Jarrod laughed a deep and throaty laugh. “Don't take this the wrong way, but you look like shit. How long has it been since you slept? Or for that fact showered?”
“A long, long time...” I said leaning my head back. I closed my eyes and felt myself instantly drifting off to sleep. I reluctantly lifted my head back up. Jarrod had been nice enough to give me a ride, I should be able to be semi polite and answer his questions. “You haven't heard?”
“Heard what?” Jarrod said expertly maneuvering his truck through traffic. His eyes took on a hard glint I recognized. It was the look he got whenever we talked about Taylor. “Is it Taylor?”
“No, Zac.” I said. I could once again feel hot tears building behind my eyes. I was powerless to stop them.
“Zac?” Jarrod asked a laugh in his voice. “You're going after a much, much younger man...”
“No, nothing like that.” I said annoyed at him. He was enjoying watching me suffer. “Wasn't it on the news in Tulsa? I find that hard to believe...”
“What's going on? I almost never watch television.” He asked. Was that an actual note of compassion in his voice. “Did something happen?”
“Yeah, I almost killed Zac...” I said, sobs began to tear through my body again. Jarrod quickly maneuvered the car over to the side of the road and wrapped his arms around me. “Jarrod, I didn't mean to hurt him. I really, really didn't...”
“What happened?” He asked.
“He was sick and I didn't do anything...” I sobbed clinging to him. Man, I have become such a crybaby in the last week. “ I was off messing around and his appendix burst and he has infection in the muscles around his heart... He could die... He may need a heart transplant... I... I... He can have mine...”
“Cleo, honey, you did nothing to him.” Jarrod said brushing my sticky hair back and kissing my forehead. “Cleo, you've never done anything wrong in you life, except maybe pick me...”
“Don't say that...” I said pulling away and trying to dry my face on an already wet shirt. “Jarrod, you were there when I really needed you...”
“No, I wasn't.” He said taking my face in his hands and looking me right in the eye. “Cleo, I was never there for you and for that I apologize.” I felt my forehead pull down, what was he saying? That he had been wrong the entire time we had dated. He ran his thumb over my forehead and pulled it back into it's natural position. “Cleo, you are so good and sweet, you should never look like that. I have something very serious I have to tell you, but here on the side of the road may not be the place...”
“To tell me? You have something to tell me...” I said as he turned the truck back out onto the road. “Jarrod, you know you can tell me anything...”
“My therapist...”
“You have a therapist?” I asked incredulous.
“Cleo...” Jarrod said exasperated. “I'm trying to be serious...”
“Sorry, sorry...” I said.
“My therapist told me I have to apologize to you for how horribly I treated you all those years...” He began, I could hear a tremble in his voice. He actually had tears brimming in his eyes. Wow, I have a talent for making the men in my life cry. “I am so sorry for all the truly terrible things I did and said to you over the years...” He stopped, I suppose here was where I was supposed to forgive him completely. Tell him everything would be alright, that all was forgiven... Well, it wasn't. And really, nothing he could say would make it right. “You're not just crying because of Zac, are you?”
“No...” I admitted.
“It's Taylor, isn't it?” He stated. Really, it was more of a statement than a question. “It's always been about you and Taylor...”
“I don't know why you would even say that.... I hardly ever had anything to do with Taylor as we were growing up...” I protested.
“Could you just shut up and listen to me for once?” He asked, I noticed his jaw was twitching. I may have made a major, major mistake calling him to pick me up. “For once in your life, just sit and listen, please... Okay, it was always about you and Tay, especially where he was concerned. I remember the day they returned from South America, how his eyes lit up when he saw you. You, of course, cared less... But then again, the love of your young life had been there with you. This may sound sick, but, Thad was the love of your life. Think about it, Thad was who you loved. And as long as he was alive, I knew you would never, ever notice Taylor's existence. But, then Thad died and well, I knew it was only a matter of time until you noticed Taylor and his lovesick looks... And I was jealous...”
“So, if I had never given any indication I had any interest in Taylor why were you so jealous...” I began.
“I'm getting to that.” He said swallowing hard. He drove along the freeway in silence. I watched him closely as he navigated the oh-so-familiar streets of Tulsa. We were only about 5 miles from my house, so I thought he wasn't going to continue, but then I heard him take a deep breath. “Did you ever wonder why I was so mean to you?”
“Yeah...” I began slowly. “I thought it was because you felt guilty because you lived when Thad died... That is why I let you treat me so badly...”
“Well, yeah, part of it was that. But mostly, it was because I was jealous of you...” He said. “ I was jealous of the fact Taylor wanted to be with you...”
Okay, at this point in time, it was a really good thing I wasn't driving because I would have driven right off the road. “What?”
“I was jealous of you because Taylor wanted you...” Jarrod said, his voice thick with emotion. “I was in love with Tay and he was in love with you... So, I punished you...”
“I know I'm exhausted, but you are not saying what I think you're saying...” I said as he turned onto 78th Street. He turned his truck into my driveway, I caught glimpses of the Hanson’s old house through the trees. I expected to see them come bounding up the driveway to meet me, their young faces shining with the news they had finally gotten that record deal. I felt my heart drop again. I wouldn't be able to stay here and be reminded of them everyday. “Jarrod, please, tell me you aren't telling me that you're...”
“Gay, Cleo. I'm gay.” He said as he put his car in park. “I don't think I knew at first, but I realized it pretty early in our relationship. Probably, on the day we were all next door listening to Middle of Nowhere and I saw the look of absolute adoration on Taylor's face. It was at that moment I decided that Taylor would never attain his hearts desire unless it was me... He loves you so much, he always has. Also, my therapist says the reason I beat you up was because I felt so wrong. Wrong in that I was having sex with you and I really, really didn't want to... It was so unfulfilling, it filled me with rage...”
“Wow, you really know how to sweep a girl off her feet...” I said as I stepped out of his truck. “Unfulfilling? Hey, do you think it was a picnic for me?”
“Cleo...” He began.
“No, no... What you've just told me really, really opens my eyes. Makes a sort of twisted sense... Really, it clears up so much...” I said, as we trudged over to the backdoor. “I don't want you to think that my accepting your reasons makes everything alright. You were pretty brutal...”
“I know.” He said. “And really, I don't expect you to forgive me. But I wanted to tell you, so you could stop thinking it was all your fault... Because, it was never your fault. It was all me...”
As he spoke, I began to dig through my purse. My keys had to be somewhere. Suddenly, it hit me. They were somewhere. They were in my bunk on the bus. I was locked out of my house. I could feel tears building up again. “Jarrod, I don't have any keys...”
“Oh, I do.” He said running back to his truck and grabbing his keys out of the ignition. “I've been watching the house for your parents.” He opened the door and held it open for me. I stepped inside and was instantly overwhelmed. The house smelled like Thad and Isaac and Taylor and Zac. I felt my knees buckle, Jarrod gently caught me and lifted me up. “You need some sleep little lady.” With that he carried me upstairs and straight back to my room. He place me in the center of my bed. “Cleo, you need to sleep before you confront the ghosts inside the house...”
“Jarrod, please don't leave me alone.” I begged, my fingers twisting themselves into the sleeve of his shirt. “Please. Please just stay with me until I'm asleep.”
“Okay,” he said laying next to me on the bed and wrapping his arms around me. “I suppose no one knows you're here.”
“No, I left a note in my room.” I said snuggling my face into his chest. He smelled so clean and new. “Everyone is so worried about Zac, I figure they won't miss me for a few hours...”
“So, if they call I don't know where you are, right?” He asked. I nodded my head as he stroked my hair.