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Oklahoma
Oklahoma, where the wind
comes sweepin' down the plain
We know we belong to the
land
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Oklahoma
Oklahoma, where the wind
comes sweepin' down the plain
We know we belong to the
land
|
Ooooooooklahoma!I awoke slowly and wasn’t exactly sure where I was. I rolled over onto my back to be greeted by a huge expanse of fuzzy red ceiling ringed with twinkling Christmas lights. What do you know, I was in my very own bed. The very bed I had slept in for most of my life. It was on this bed where Isaac, Thad, Jarrod and I had cut our pinkie’s mixed our blood and pinkie swore we would always be best friends. I fumbled around on the night stand until I found my glasses and sat up. I looked around the familiar room and basically every last thing I looked at reminded me of the Hanson’s. I sat on the edge of my bed and looked at the bookshelf in front of me, it was literally loaded with Hanson memorabilia. There was a mug from the 1996 Mayfest, the last major concert they played in Tulsa before going to record their album. A picture of me holding a tiny, very dirty Mac. What I thought was an ashtray made by Jessica. A picture of me drawn by Avery and very nicely framed with colored popsicle sticks for my Christmas present... A picture of Ike and I dressed up as hobo’s for Halloween. The cartoon drawing of Thad and I, Zac had drawn all. One of the tiny Doc Marten’s shoes, Jarrod and I had given to Zoë when she was born. A picture of me, Thad, Isaac, Jarrod, Zac and Taylor standing on our hands. And all the silly snowglobes Taylor had bought for me from everywhere, Paris, London, New York, Japan, Australia... The list went on and on. I stood and stretched, walking over to the west facing windows. In the semi-dark, I could barely catch glimpses of their old house through the trees that split the expanse of lawn into two yards. If anyone had been in the house, I would be able to see the lights in the windows. It felt so good to be home. But man, I was starving. I needed food and I needed it right away. But first, I really needed to use the bathroom. The door facing mine that led into Thad’s room was shut which just felt do unusual. We had always left these doors open, even when we were showering.
Instead of going back out through my bedroom, I wandered into Thad’s bedroom. Ah yes, the shrine to Thaddeus Groton Burton remained intact. I walked in and sat on a bed no one had slept in for over 6 years. Every surface of his room was a tribute to the life he had lived and those he’d lived it with. His cork bulletin board was still covered with notes, pictures, his class schedule for his sophomore year and a plane ticket to go to Los Angeles over Thanksgiving to visit the Hanson family; all these pieces of paper were curling around the edges and yellowed with age. I stood and walked over to the window, hoping to see Taylor sitting curled in a ball on the back stairs watching my house. But, all I could see was darkness and the barest shadows of the trees. My stomach gave a voracious growl. I sighed and left his room, the sanctuary where Thad was still so alive and padded down the stairs. It always amazed me how our house never really changed at all. I turned into the kitchen and stopped short, Jarrod was sitting at the table reading the newspaper. He looked up at me as I walked over to the refrigerator. “Hey, you didn’t have to stay and wait for me to wake up.”
“ I didn’t.” He said his brow pulling down. “You’ve been asleep for over 24 hours...”
“No, I have not.” I said as I rummaged through the meager contents of my parents refrigerator. My mother had insisted we get an enormous sub-zero refrigerator when we remodeled the kitchen, but I could never figure out why; there is never any food in it. There was loads of bottled water, a couple of mostly empty bottles of wine, some questionable condiments and a ton of take-out containers of indeterminate origin (apparently, the maid hadn’t cleaned out the fridge in quite a while), but no actual food. “Good to see some things never change...” I said as I slammed the door to the refrigerator shut. “Jarrod, there is absolutely no way I just slept for 24 hours...”
“You were basically asleep before I even got into bed with you.” Jarrod said walking over to me and pulling me into a huge hug. “I came back over about an hour ago to check on you and was surprised to find you still asleep... I’ve got an idea. Go jump in the shower and I’ll take you out to dinner.”
“But, I’m starving now...” I whined burying my face in his chest and hugging him tightly. Who would have ever thought Jarrod would be the one to comfort me.
“Okay, but you are NOT getting in my truck until you don’t stink.”
“I know, but I can’t get my cast or my stitches wet.” I said, holding out the large purple cast as evidence. “How am I supposed to wash my hair with only one arm?”
“Oh my Lord!” Jarrod said. “Would you stop whining? I’ll help you, but you’ll have to take a bath...”
“What? I don’t want you to see me naked...” I protested.
“Cleo, it’s not like I’ve never seen you naked before...” Jarrod said guiding me upstairs. “And, don’t worry, you won’t turn me on... I’m gay, remember.”
“Okay,” I said as he turned on the water in the bathtub in my parents bedroom. I quickly (as quickly as possible) stripped down to my bra and panties. “Jarrod, can you close your eyes?” He did and I quickly shed my underwear and stepped into the tub of warm, soapy water. “Alright, you can open them.”
“Alright, Ms. Cleo, which shampoo?” Jarrod asked as he began to pour cupfuls of water over my head. I chose some of my mother’s ridiculously expensive shampoo and he poured a generous amount on my head. “So, are you in love with Taylor?”
“Jarrod...” I said shaking my head.
“You know you want to talk about it and hey, I’m willing to listen.” Jarrod said scrubbing my head. “My hell, what is in your hair?”
“It’s whipped cream... It’s a long story...” I said quietly. Really, I did want to talk about the last week, but was Jarrod really who I wanted to talk to? No, but Isaac wasn’t in Tulsa, he was in Mobile, with his girlfriend....
“So, back to the original question: Are you in love with Taylor?” Jarrod asked again, pouring water over my head and rinsing the soap out of my hair. I couldn’t believe this was the first time in 4 days I had bathed. “I know he’s in love with you.”
“How do you know? How can you be so sure?” I asked closing my eyes and letting him scrub me clean. “And more importantly, how come I didn’t know? I always knew Zac had a crush on me. I mean, you guys always made sure I knew that. And, my love for Ike was never in question. I love him absolutely. I love more and better than I ever did my own brother. Really, I always knew for a fact he loved me, but I thought he was joking about getting married. Teasing me about being madly in love with me...”
“He was always deadly serious about that.” Jarrod said scrubbing my left leg with a loofah. “You haven’t even washed the blood off your leg! Have you been taking your antibiotics? These stitches look infected....”
“Um... I think I’ve taken 2...”
“You’re going to get blood poisoning.” Jarrod said as he rinsed the last of the blood away. “So, the question remains, are you in love with Taylor?”
“Yes,” I finally admitted, as Jarrod continued to scrub me. “I think I am and... It just breaks my heart...”
“Have you slept with him?” Jarrod asked handing me the soapy loofah to finish some of my more private areas.
“Jarrod...”
“God, it’s not like I can’t figure that one out...” Jarrod said rolling his eyes as he sat on the toilet. “Well, was he at least good at it?”
“I didn’t say I slept with him...”
“If you hadn’t slept with him, you’d still be in Mobile with them...” He said as he came around behind me and rinsed the conditioner out of my hair. “But, your guilt has driven you home... Don’t try to deny it, cause, I know you....”
“Oh, you know me?” I said. “So, what am I think right now?”
“You’re thinking about how much you regret sleeping with Taylor...”
“Okay, that one was easy, so it doesn’t count.” I said as I reached forward and popped the plug out of the drain. “I’m starving... Help me out of the tub.”
“Okay... so now, you aren’t so worried about the fact you’re naked?” He asked reaching down into the tub and lifting me up. He handed me a towel and I headed into my room with him close on my heels. He helped me put my suitcase up on my bed and flopped down on my bed. “Cleo, tell me... Tell me why you love him.” He said rolling onto his back.
“It’s so complicated...” I began rooting through one of my suitcases trying to find something to wear. He seemed to be thinking about my answer. I hurried and snagged some underwear and found my toothbrush before I went into my bathroom. I looked at my face and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t look tired. When I was finished brushing my teeth, I pulled a brush through my long hair. In 6 years, it wasn’t nearly as long as it had been, but it was long. I stood looking at my face, this face that was so plain to me. What about this mask of flesh and bone did he find appealing? I stared at my face until it was no longer my face, but simply a collection of parts. Dark brown eyes and hair. Painfully, perfect arched eyebrows. A nose. Lips. Cheekbones. Forehead. Honestly, nothing about me was extraordinary or beautiful. And Taylor didn’t just deserve beautiful, he deserved magnificent, extraordinary. My stomach gave another roll. I really needed to eat, I was starting to feel weak.
“Complicated?” He asked when I walked back into my room
“Yeah,” I said as I pulled on my favorite cutoffs and my Tulsa Rec. 1981 Little League t-shirt. Zac had a thing for vintage tour shirts, I had a thing for old, worn little kid t-shirts. “Let’s go.”
“So, how is it complicated?” He asked as he followed me down the stairs.
“It’s complicated because he is such a major part of every single tiny part of my life...” I said we walked back into the kitchen. He stopped at the remote security system. I watched as he turned on random lights around the house, powered up the alarm system and turned the phones back on. “Have the phones been off all day?”
“Yeah, I wanted you to sleep... You can listen to the messages when we get back from food...” He said pushing me out the door as the phone started ringing. “So, is Taco Bueno good for you?”
“Yes!!” I said climbing into his truck. “God, I’ve missed Tulsa. I’ve even missed the smell...”
“So, why is that complicated? And don’t think your paltry attempt at changing subjects has distracted me.”
“Because, love is so all encompassing...” I said. “And I always thought my love would be mine alone... Not the worlds... Not my friends... But, Taylor can’t just be mine.”
“But he would be... at least in a way that matters.” He said. “I need specifics. I want to know WHY you love him.”
“I love him because...” I closed my eyes. “I love him because he rarely calls me Cleophus. I love him because he can walk farthest on his hands. I love him because he broke his arm showing off for me. I love him because he never once forgot to get me a snowglobe. I love the way he smiles when he realizes Diana has just cooked his favorite meal. I love how the scar below his eye crinkles when he smiles. I love him because... I love him because no matter how hard he tries he can’t stop chewing his fingers, can’t stop tapping his fingers, can’t stop pulling on his lip... I love how he is so terrible at telling jokes, how he laughs before he even reaches the punchline. I love him because when he sings he feels it so much, he often has tears in his eyes. I love the look of shy pride he gets when he finally gets that last riff or lyric to finish a song.”
“Cleo, there has to be more to it than that.” He said as we crossed the Arkansas River. “Why do you love him?”
“Why did you love him?” I countered.
“Because, he is the kindest, most genuine soul I’ve ever met.” Jarrod said not even thinking.
“That he is.” I said as he turned left onto Peoria Avenue. I closed my eyes and thought back to the last time I had been to this Taco Bueno. It had been over a year ago, Zac had decided he needed some sort of deluxe burrito and he needed it now.
“Cleo!!” Zac yelled in my ear. “You are driving like an old lady!!”
“Zachary Walker Hanson!” I yelled over the music. “Would you just shut up!”
“Yeah, shut up.” Ike called over his shoulder. I was driving my Sweet Sentra to Taco Bueno and it was almost 11:00 p.m., so we really had to hurry. We had to be there quick or else we would miss out on the meal Zac assured us he needed. We had arrived home only a few hours before from Los Angeles for the 4th of July. I don’t know how all 4 of us ended up in my rattle-trap of a car when Taylor’s BMW and Isaac’s Explorer were parked at my house, but we had. So, now we were driving in my 8 year old Sentra with no air conditioning and a temperamental radio.
“Cleo, I know this car goes faster than this...” Zac yelled. “Look!! Peoria Avenue...”
“Really?” I said reaching forward and turning down the radio. “Is Taco Bueno on Peoria?”
“What are you snickering at spud boy...” Zac said turning his wrath and considerable amount of energy towards Taylor, currently trapped in the backseat with him.
“You, you’re ridiculous.” Taylor said smiling.
“Whatever.” Zac said. “Now, what exactly is that you are wearing?”
I pulled into the crowded parking lot. “Okay, strategy meeting.” I said stopping. “Do we sit in the drive through or do you just want to go inside?”
“Let’s go in.” Zac said.
“Yeah, let’s eat in.” Isaac said.
“Tay, any preferences?” I said turning to look at him. He was looking out the window at a car full of girls that had just recognized them.
“Tay!! In or out?” Isaac said, dropping his seat back into Taylor’s lap.
“Oh, I don’t care.” He said sliding down in his seat. “Im not very hungry.”
“Me either.” I said as I pulled into a parking. It was across the parking lot facing the door, but it was the spot closest to the door. “Why don’t you two go in and eat...”
“What Taylor, trying to maintain your girlish figure?” Zac asked as he launched himself over the emergency brake and into my lap.
“Screw you.” Taylor said offering a visual aid just in case Zac couldn’t figure out what he meant.
“Nice Taylor.” Zac said as he dug his feet into Taylors thigh.
“How about we go get our food and go find somewhere down by the river to park and eat?” Isaac suggested smoothing the rough patches as always.
“Doofus, you will get to go and park with all three of us.” Zac said climbing over me and out the window to get out of the car.
“Augh... Zac, I would have gotten out so you didn’t have to climb over me.” I said as he climbed out the open window.
“Now where’s the fun in that?” He asked. “Do you want anything?”
“Naw, I’m totally not hungry.” I said.
“Princess Taylor?” He said leaining in over me.
“Zac, just go get some food...” Taylor said. I watched as Isaac and Zac walked into the familiar fast-food place only to be greeted by friends and fans alike. Zac was in his element, tanned and strong from the surfing, with a captive and enraptured audience. Ike was posing for a picture with a girl who had her hair dyed purple. I was just getting used to how truly famous they were. To me, they simply were my friends.
“Cleo, what’s wrong?” Taylor asked leaning forward on the seat Isaac had left lying in his lap.
“Nothing.” I said leaning my head back and looking at Taylor. “Actually, yes, there is something wrong...”
“What’s up?”
“I just broke up with Jarrod.” I said steeling myself for the tears I was sure were going to come. But, they never did. “I told him, I didn’t have time for him and his petty little life anymore. I told him, my life was more important now...”
“Wow, that is something.” Taylor said putting his hand on my shoulder and squeezing. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” I said putting my hand on his and squeezing back. “I’m not.”
“Cleo, I was so worried you were going to marry him...”
“No...” I said. “I would have never married him...” We sat in silence just holding hands, watching Ike and Zac inside the restaurant. Taylor absently began to play with the rings on my hands. Soon, he had all 11 of my rings on his fingers, many of them stuck on his knuckles. He then gently began to slide them back onto my fingers. “How much longer are they gonna be?”
“I don’t know, do you want me to go check?” He asked just as Zac burst through the door carrying some take out bags. Taylor leaned forward and whispered in my ear. “I’m glad you didn’t.”
“Didn’t what?”
“Marry Jarrod.” He said as Zac loped across the parking lot. I threw my door open and flipped the seat up before Zac could attempt to climb in the car over me.
“Cleo, let me drive.” Zac asked as he walked up to the car.
“No way.” I said.
“Please?”
“Get in the car Zac.” I said.
“Please?”
“No.”
“Please?”
“No!”
“Please?!”
“Get in the car Zac!!” Isaac, Taylor and I all yelled at the same time.
“Fine! And to think I just got you a bean burrito with cheese, extra onions and sour cream...” He muttered as she climbed into the backseat with Taylor. “Ruin all my fun...”
“Yeah Zac, that’s me. I’m a regular killjoy.” Taylor said pushing Zac away from him.
“Cleo?” Jarrod called as though he had said my name more than once. “What do you want?”
“Oh, a bean burrito with cheese, extra onions and sour cream.” I said smiling. Jarrod turned back to the crackling speaker and gave them my order. A disjointed, sexless voice gave Jarrod an unintelligible total. Jarrod drove up to the window handed over some cash. He handed me a bag and some drinks. One was marked Dr. Pepper, so I assumed that was mine and stuck a straw in it. I pulled out a burrito and had about half of it gone before I stopped to say anything. “Thanks...”
“Where were you?” He asked.
“Just thinking...”
“Ah...” He said as he pulled his truck into one of the many scenic overlooks along Riverside Drive. He turned off the lights and we watched the Arkansas River flow silently past us, a shining, dark satin ribbon. “So, how was Taylor?
“What?”
“You were obviously thinking about him...”
“Oh...” I smiled. “He was good...”
“Okay,” he said. We both ate in silence for few minutes. “So, why do you love him?”
“Do you really want to know?”
“I wouldn’t ask otherwise...”
“I love him, because he makes me feel like anything is possible.” I said. “Because, he walks into the room and I feel like everything will be alright. Because, when he looks into my eyes, I forget that I am only half a person... he makes me want to be a better person. With him, it isn’t dulcet choirs of angels or fireworks, it’s a simple matter of comfort. He makes me feel so comfortable in my skin. I love him, because when I’m with him, I feel loved.”
“With him, you are loved.” Jarrod said, he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me up against him. “Cleo, I know he loves you... I just know it.” He planted a kiss on the top of my head. The lights on the river shattered into diamonds suspended in my tears.
“Jarrod, how far would you have gone to keep me away from Taylor?” I asked.
“I would have married you.” He said sighing.
“Do you still love Taylor?” I asked.
“No,” Jarrod said. “I have a boyfriend.”
“You do?” I asked surprised. “Do I know him?”
“Yes...” He began quietly, but then his cell phone that was hanging on the dashboard rang. I looked at the caller ID screen. It read “Little Boy Blue.” Zac and I had programmed that name into Taylors phone just a week ago. Before I could stop him, Jarrod reached forward and hit talk. “Hello?”
“Hey, Jarrod.”
“Taylor, what’s up?” Jarrod said his arm tightening around my shoulder. I had to clamp my hands over my mouth to hold the sobs in. “How’s Zac?”
“He’s doing okay... The doctor’s haven’t told us anything new, really. He’s just really sick...” Taylor said his voice breaking. “Have you heard from Cleo?”
“No, is something wrong?”
“She... she disappeared.” Taylor said, his voice quavering. “She told me she just needed to sleep... I tried to call her, but her phone in her room was off... When I finally went downstairs and got a key... Jarrod, she was gone...”
“Taylor...”
“I opened the door and...” I could feel his tears flowing through the speakers of Jarrod’s car. He was crying and because of me. “On the table... was her stuff and a note. She just left... and no one knows where she went.”
“Her parents are in Fiji, maybe she’s with them.” Jarrod said. “Have you tried to call Margaret?”
“Yes, there was no answer at her mother’s office.” Taylor said.
“Tay, I don’t know what to tell you...”
“I just...” Taylor took a deep breath. “Jarrod, I don’t know if you are lying, but really and to be honest, I don’t care, I just need to know she’s okay... Please, man, you have to tell me...”
“Tay, she’s okay... I can’t tell you anything more, but I can promise you, she’s fine.”
“Jarrod... Can you tell her...” He stopped, his breathing was so harsh. I wanted to hold him.
“What?”
“Tell her... I... that I... we all love her and miss her. We just want to know that she’s okay.” He said quietly, so quietly I could barely hear him. I pulled away from Jarrod and fumbled at the door handle. I needed to get out of Jarrod’s truck.
“Tay, I think she may already know that...” Jarrod said as I finally got the door open. I took off running for the shore of the river. I didn’t know where I thought I was going or what I was going to do, I just needed to be away from the sound of his voice. “Cleo! Where are you going? Cleo?” I could hear his footsteps quickly gaining on me. I raced down the path that ran along the rivers edge, the rocks of the path tearing into my feet. My heart ached, throbbed like a toothache. The moment before Jarrod’s hand closed over my shoulder, I could feel him behind me. “Cleo...”
I fell into his arms, my body wracked with sobs. “Is love supposed to hurt this much?”