 |
The Difficult Kind
I think I was wrong
If you could only see
|
|
The Difficult Kind
I think I was wrong
If you could only see
|
...wish...Honestly, I’m not exactly sure how Jarrod got me back into his truck. I remember making him pull over because I thought I was going to throw up, but I didn’t. I remember getting out of his truck, but instead of going to my house, I began to wander across the lawn towards Hanson’s house. Somewhere halfway across the lawn, I collapsed into the cool, thick grass. I just wanted to lay here and smell Tulsa, listen to the crickets, feel the cool breeze as it moved the too long grass around me. I heard the back door of my house creak open and then slam shut. I heard Jarrod walking across the lawn. “Cleo, take these...” Jarrod said flopping down onto the grass next to me. I took the familiar diamond shaped pills from him and accepted my drink from Taco Bueno. I popped the pills. “Let’s go inside.”
“Not yet, I want to just lay here and experience Tulsa.” I said watching the stars sparkle and shine. “Jarrod, I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself.”
“Honestly, I don’t either.” He said smoothing back my hair. He sighed and laid next to me. As the minutes passed, I could feel my muscles relaxing and my thoughts slowing down. We just laid side by side. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. As I listened to our steady breathing, it was easy to roll back the years. Jarrod had been one of my best friends my entire life. At least until 6 years ago when I had made the mistake of dating him. I never thought it was love, but something to do. Something strange and inexplicable, but something to do nonetheless. “Cleo, what makes you think you aren’t worthy of him?”
“Jarrod, why are you being so good to me?” I asked. “I was so terrible when I broke up with you...”
“I was terrible to you before you broke up with me.”
“That’s true.” I said rolling over and propping myself up on my elbow. I was feeling so lucid and clear headed. Everything made so much sense. “I have no clue why I’m even trusting you.”
“Because, you have to trust someone.” He said in a very matter of fact voice. “In all of this mess we created, we always forget we’ve been friends our entire lives.”
“True...” I laid back down and clenched his hand in mine. I watched the soft light clouds reflect the lights of downtown Tulsa as they scuttled across the sky, obscuring the stars and moon momentarily. I watched as the fireflies winked at me all across the yard. And in that moment, I was waiting for a 10 year old Zac to pounce on me. “I feel like we should go inside and find our sleeping bags and sleep out here. It just feels so right and so real.”
“Sometimes, when I walk from my house to yours I expect Thad to throw the back door open and pelt me with a water balloon.” Jarrod said. “Or when I round the corner of the house, to see all of you playing tackle tag.”
“I think I still have bruises from the last game we played.” I said sitting up. I could hear the phone inside my house ringing. “I suppose I need to talk to Tay.”
“Cleo.” Jarrod started. “You don’t need to do anything. Just do what feels right.”
“Right now, everything feels right.” I said loving the feeling of my body floating about 5 feet over the grass. “I wish everything were as right as I feel right now.”
“I just wanted to tell you thank you.”
“For what?”
“For so many things...” He said closing his eyes. “...but mostly, for never telling anyone about how I treated you.”
“Well, some people figured it out.” I answered. “But, my parents are in such denial. In fact, I think my mother was lobbying to get denial added as an Olympic sport. And my bruises were just another area they could ignore completely.”
“So, who figured it out?” Jarrod asked.
“Isaac, Taylor and Zac.” I said sighing. The Xanax made my thoughts surprisingly clear and lucid. They had figured it out, because they knew me so well. Let me reiterate: They knew me. They always seemed to know how I was feeling, what I wanted, what was wrong with me... Why didn’t I know them that well? Was I so self-centered and self-absorbed that I couldn’t see anything but my pain? That was it. That was the reason I had to leave. More than anything else, I needed to get outside of myself.
“That is probably why they stopped calling me.” Jarrod laughed, a bitter ironic sound. We lay in silence. I had no real idea how long we had been laying in the grass. It could have been a few seconds or an hour, but neither of us talked or moved. We just were together and it honestly felt good. His phone began to ring again. He held the phone up and looked at the caller ID. “Guitar God in Training? You and Zac messing with Ike’s phone?”
“Yes.” I answered as Jarrod hit the talk button on his phone. We were laying so close together, that I could hear the phone beep as it connected.
“Hello?”
“Jarrod, it’s Ike.”
“What’s up man?” Jarrod said. I was laying on his arm, both of us listening to the phone.
“Nothing, just the same old, same old...” Isaac said into the phone. “Have you seen Cleo?”
“Yes, she’s about 5’ 7”, long dark hair, glasses, wears t-shirts about 5 sizes too small for her...” Jarrod said.
“Ha ha...” Isaac fake laughed. “Listen, if you see her you have to tell her to call Taylor...”
“Yeah, I know... I talked to Taylor about 45 minutes ago...”
“Jarrod, you have to do this for me.” Isaac said. “Dude, Tay is hanging on by the thinnest thread. Just too much has happened. We know she flew home, we just need to find her.”
“How do you know she’s home?”
“She charged her flight to her Hansonopoly corporate card...”
“Now, that was not very good thinking.” Jarrod said flicking me on the top of the head. When I had ordered the tickets, I had gone into my account and had just used it, not even thinking the flight would be charged to the credit card on record. I laid on my back, watching the stars dance between the leaves of the trees, I was laying so close to Jarrod, I could feel his sides moving in and out with his breathing. “If she wanted to make a clean getaway, then she messed up big time there...”
“Yeah, today after Tay discovered Cleo was gone, I thought he was having some sort of breakdown. My mom had to rush back to the hotel from the hospital, the doctor gave her some of those mellow pills Cleo used to take...”
“Xanax?” Jarrod said. “Cleo made it through her first year of college on those.” I dug my elbow into his side.
“Well, after Tay took those pills, we went out onto the patio to watch the little kids play in the pool and suddenly Taylor had all sorts of stories to tell.” Isaac stopped talking for a minute. I could tell he was listening to someone in the background. “Did you know that Taylor and Cleo...” Isaac stopped talking. I knew what Taylor had been talking about. The silence stretched longer and longer, Jarrod just patiently listened to the silence. If I can only say one thing about Jarrod, he really was a good listener. He had always been a shoulder to be cried on, a willing ear. “Jarrod, do you remember Thad’s funeral?”
“How could I forget that day?” Jarrod said hugging me tight. “I was a pallbearer.” In my mind’s eye, I could see them in their dark suits, lined up along Thad’s coffin. I remember watching Isaac, Taylor, Zac, Jarrod and my cousins Brad and Everett struggle under the weight, the weight of my lost brother. Lost, I lost Thad. That always sounds so unreal to me, cause he’s not lost, I know just where he is. He’s in the Calvary Cemetery, 9101 S Harvard Ave., Tulsa, Oklahoma, plot 1567, to the left of an enormous Oak tree, on the crest of a hill with a breathtaking view of the Arkansas river. Not that I’ve ever been back there since the blistering day of his funeral. I was hot and sore, I was actually glad that I didn’t have to walk. My armpits ached from the crutches. My eyes were swollen from crying. And I was so messed up on Xanax. Saying I lost Thad implied that I could get him back. But he was gone. Actually, when I think about that day, it all takes on a strange dreamlike quality, almost as if I’m remembering someone else’s memories. I often wish I could forget that day. “What about it?”
“Did you know when Taylor went up to help Cleo...” Isaac stopped, it almost sounded like he was crying.
“Who can forget that?” Jarrod asked his hand absently tracing patterns on my arm. “I mean, how often does someone cut off 4 feet of their own hair with pinking shears...”
“Tay always said they were upstairs so long because he was trying to help her with her hair. But...” His voice trailed off. “Did you know they...”
“What?” Jarrod asked, but I think the question was more directed toward me than Isaac.
“I wish I didn’t know this, but... They had sex...” When Ike whispered those words, I felt Jarrod flinch. I looked at his face hidden in shadows and knew the familiar hard look was on his face. “Today, while we were just laying in lounge chairs, he started to tell me about that day... How he walked in and she was laying there in just a black bra and underwear... And when she sat up her hair was in piles around her. He said he sat on the floor with her and she began to sob and sob... He kissed her to comfort her and then... next thing he knew...”
“Wow.” Jarrod said quietly. “Who would’ve ever thought.”
“They slept together again the other night.” Isaac said quieter still. “If Zac hadn’t gotten sick, they very well could be fucking right now.” The silence from Isaac was complete and profound. “Tay knew I loved her, why’d he do this to me?”
“Ike, buddy, I think he has loved her as much as you for as long as you.” Jarrod said. “I knew he loved her from the day we were all sitting in your garage listening to Middle of Nowhere.”
“Why didn’t I know?” Isaac asked.
“That seems to be a tune a lot of people are singing nowadays.”
“I wish I had know how he felt...” Isaac trailed off. “Jarrod, is she there? With you now?”
Jarrod shrugged his shoulder under me. I just shrugged back. “Yes, she is. We’re laying on the lawn between your old house and hers...”
“Can I talk to her?”
“Sure, here she is.” Jarrod said handing the phone to me and standing, stretching his legs. “I’ll be right back, you talk to him. He deserves an explanation.” Jarrod turned and began to wander toward my house.
“Ike?” I said quietly.
“Cleo, I wish you were here.” Isaac said in a soft voice.
“But, I’m not.”
“You could come back.”
“I’m gonna stay in Tulsa.” I said.
“You have to talk to Taylor...” He said.
“I can’t...” I said, shaking my head even though he couldn’t see me. “...right now.”
“Why not?”
“Because, I am confusing him...” I said sitting up and pulling my knees to my chest. Why did this have to be so complicated? “He tells me he would leave music behind for me, but it is the most important part of who he is... He would die without it...”
“Cleo, I think he may die without you...” Isaac said.
“No, he’ll get over me...”
“That isn’t fair for you to say.”
“But, it’s true.” I said lowering my head to my knees. “And, I’m confusing you...”
“No.” Isaac said, his voice was so strong. He sounded just like Walker. “I’m not confused. You were right. I do deserve someone who will love me like Emory. You made it very, very clear that you will never love me.”
“I’m so sorry...”
“Don’t be.” Isaac said. “I needed to know that, to hear that.”
“I never meant to ever lead you on.” I said turning my head and watching the car driving slowly along 78th Street. The car stopped in front of Hanson’s old house. Four girls piled out and began to walk towards the house, as they crossed the invisible security line in the yard, the flood lights came on and loud voice boomed, “you are trespassing.” The girls all squealed in surprise. One girl reached down and grabbed a rock before they scampered back to their car.
“Are you really outside?” Ike asked.
“Yes, Jarrod just told you we were laying in the lawn.”
“I wish I was laying there with both of you... I wish life were uncomplicated like it was before.”
“If wishes were fishes we’d all drop a line...” I said quietly. Diana used to say that to us when we were small and wanted things she wasn’t prepared to give us.
“And still, I wish... You know, everyone knows we don’t even live there anymore. Why do they still go there?” Isaac sighed. “To be perfectly honest, right this minute, I don’t even know why I’m doing this. Why am I here in a city I don’t know, with about 100 girls out in front of this hotel? Wishing more than anything that I was laying on the lawn with you... I wish no one had ever heard of us, of me.”
“Ike, you don’t mean that.” I said resting my cheek on my knee and hooking my free arm under my knees. “Ike you love your life.”
“Sometimes, I wonder if we hadn’t left... If I had gone swimming with Thad and Jarrod, if he would still be alive.” Ike said his voice cracking as he dissolved into tears.
“Isaac, don’t you start to blame yourself for his death too...” I whispered as his tears became sobs. Through the phone I could hear the soft shushing sounds of someone comforting him. I couldn’t understand her words, but I could tell it was Emory. Slowly, his tears tapered off.
“Cleo?” Emory said into the phone.
“Yeah...” I answered rubbing my eyes. I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry this time, not during this conversation.
“You don’t have to come back, just... Please talk to Taylor.” Emory whispered. “He is so upset and it’s tearing Isaac, everyone, apart.”
“I promise, I’ll call him.” I said sighing. “Give me time, just a little time.”
“Can I tell him that you’ll call him them?” She asked.
“Yes.”
“When?” She demanded.
“What?”
“When are you going to call him?” Her voice had a hard accusatory tone. Her almost rabid protection of Isaac made me feel good, even if she was mad at me.
“Soon... tomorrow.” I said yawning. I couldn’t believe I was tired again. “Tell him, I’ll call him sometime tomorrow.”
“I will.” The hard edge was gone from her voice. “Cleo, he really, really loves you, but I think you know that. How are you? Really.”
“Emory, I’m so...” I stopped. How was I? Really. “I just took 2 Xanax, so I’m feeling okay, but other than that... I’ve been better. I just miss them so much.”
“They all miss you too.” She said a real warmth in her voice.
“Emory, I slept for over 24 hours straight and I’m already tired again.”
“You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone quite so tired as Isaac was when I first arrived.” She said softly. “When we got back to the hotel, he just laid in my arms and cried and cried. He was so sad it just broke my heart.”
“Poor Ike, he just takes so much on himself.” I said. I heard the back door of my house open again, I lifted my head to see Jarrod walking across the back yard his arms full of bedding.
“Yes, but he seems to be feeling better already.” She said. “He’s asleep again. You remember what I said in the car?”
“About not knowing if you want to spend the rest of your life with him...”
“Yeah,” she said softly. “I think, I’ve changed my mind.”
“Really?” I asked as Jarrod unrolled the inflatable mattress and began to blow it up with the foot pump.
“When I look at him, I just can’t imagine not looking at him every morning.” She sighed. “I didn’t even know it was possible to love someone this much. You know, we sat and talked for hours last night... He told me about how he felt about you.”
“And?”
“And when he told me he was done with it, I believed him.”
“Good.” I said watching Jarrod putting a sheet on the mattress and piling pillows and blankets on it. We really were going to sleep outside.
“And when he asked me to marry him...” She trailed off quietly.
“He asked you?” I asked sitting up straight. “And you said?”
“Yes, of course...” She said, I could only imagine the smile spreading across his face. “We’re going to wait until Zac is totally out of danger to tell his family. But, we’ve chosen May 21st to get married.”
“Congratulations.” I said.
“I’d better go.” She said. “Ike’s arms look criminally empty.”
“Okay, I’ll talk to you soon.” I said as she hung up the phone. “Wow, Ike and Emory are gonna get married.”
“Who are what?” Jarrod said as I crawled up next to him on the air mattress.
“Ike is going to marry Emory.” I said resting my head on his shoulder. Even after not sleeping with him for over a year, I was able to snuggle up to him and fit perfectly. I rested my purple cast on his chest and he reached down and began to play with my fingers.
“Emory?”
“Yes, she is the woman Isaac met in Ireland and just immediately felt a connection with.”
“Ike is going to marry someone who isn’t you...” Jarrod said quietly. “I would have never thought it possible.”
“Jarrod,” I said resting my chin on his pec and looking at his face. He was just as handsome as Taylor, just in a very, very different way. He had enormous dark brown eyes with his head shaved bald. His skin was as soft and warm as it looked. He always smelled better than anyone I’d ever known. “You said that you had a boyfriend...”
“Yeah, I do.” he said gently running his fingers through my hair.
“And I know him?”
“Yeah...” He trailed off.
“If you don’t want to talk about it...”
“No, it’s okay.” He said taking a deep breath. “I’ve been seeing Trevor Benton for about 9 months...”
“Trevor?” I asked pushing myself up onto my elbows and looking down into his face. “The kid who used to hide in the trees and blow spitballs at us? The weasel who stole Thad’s bike? That obnoxious brat who...”
“Yes, Cleo, him.” Jarrod said sighing. “He’s changed a lot since we were all kids...”
“Yeah, well, he’d have to...” I said laying back down. As I rested my ear on Jarrod’s chest, he began to hum softly. “Tell me why you love him.”
“How much time do you have?” Jarrod asked.
“I got nothing but time.” I answered as I watched a falling star scratch itself across the inky black sky. I closed my eyes tight and wished as hard as I could. I wished for Ike and Emory's happiness. I wished that Zac would get better. I wished that Taylor and I would be okay.
I wished.