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Don't
Don't walk too close, don't breathe so soft
Please let me forget all those sweet smiles,
Too many times I've cared too much.
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I awoke with a start. Why was I getting wet. I shot up as I realized the water wasn’t stopping. “Oh man!” I screamed my hands scrambling over the edge of the mattress searching frantically for my glasses. “Augh! The sprinklers!” I finally clutched my glasses in my hand and took off for my house at a sprint. Jarrod was close behind me his arms filled with bedding. We burst through the back door and onto the sunporch both of us roaring with laughter. “Now, you thought of everything, but the sprinklers!”
“I am soaked!” Jarrod laughed.
“Me too.” I said pulling my t-shirt off over my head. I was freezing and the cold shirt was making it worse. “And, I’m starving.”
“Hey, what if I run over to my house and change while you put on something dry and we’ll go to the Ihop.”
“Oh, yum!” I yelled as he sprinted across the yard to his house. I ran up the stairs two at a time and into my room. I was dressed in a pair of baggy sweats and one of the original Hanson t-shirts from way back, before the record deal, with a baggy sweatshirt pulled on over it. I sprinted out the front door and stood on the side of the road waiting for Jarrod to pull up in front. Soon, we were headed north on Union Avenue. As he drove along, we chatted easily about the people who lived in the houses we drove past
As he turned right onto Lewis Avenue, my stomach growled loud enough for both of us to hear. “God Cleo, are you hungry?”
“Yes!!” I said as I got out of his truck. As he walked across the parking lot, I ran up behind him and jumped on his back. He easily caught me under my knees and started bouncing me up and down as he galloped across the parking lot. He burst through the doors only to be greeted by the disproving eyes of Madge. Madge had been a waitress at this IHOP for as long as I could remember. Thad had asked her to marry him every time we’d come in. I’m pretty sure he was the only person in the world that she had liked. Well, Thad and Taylor. “Hey Madge!”
“Cleo...” She said looking at me through her half glasses. “A table for two?”
“Yes,” Jarrod said setting me down on the ground. “Cleo, you seem to be feeling a lot better this morning...”
“I do, I really, really do.” I said stretching. “I’ve decided that Taylor and I need to have a long and serious talk about our future.”
“Your future?” Jarrod said raising an eyebrow. “Yesterday, you wanted nothing more to do with the poor boy and this morning, you have a future?”
“Yes, don’t be a snot.”
I said. “This may come as a shock to you, but I’ve been thinking
that maybe, I need to just chill out and see what happens... With
Zac sick, they’ll be home for a while...” I trailed off. Out
of the corner of my eye, I noticed a picture of Taylor. I stood and
walked over to where the local “hall of fame” was. The bulletin board
was covered with articles about local people who’ve done something of note.
As my eyes swept over the familiar names, I noticed a fair amount of articles
were of Hanson. Suddenly, a name caught my eye. I lifted the
sheets that were obscuring it up and was greeted with the face of Thad.
Local swimmer wins 1st place.Tulsa native Thaddeus Burton today placed first in 50 and 100
meter freestyle events at the Goodwill games. He was also the
anchor leg for gold medal winning 4 X 50 and 4 X 100 relays.
Thad was quoted as saying “Sydney, here I come,” alluding to the
Summer Olympics of 2000...
I felt tears pricking
my eyes, as I began to notice, not mentions of Hanson, but of Thad.
He was on the board over and over again. He had won another swim
tournament. His soccer team were state champions. All of the
articles with his name were all yellowed and curling with age. Jarrod
came up behind me and put his hand on my shoulder. “Cleo, Madge just
said our table was ready.”
“Okay...” I said allowing Jarrod to lead me over to the table where Madge was waiting impatiently with a coffee pot in her hand.
“Coffee?” She said snapping her gum at me.
“Yeah, sure.” I said turning my coffee cup over.
“So, how have you been?” Madge asked putting the coffee pot on the table and pulling out her order pad.
“I’m okay.” I said. “How are you?”
“I’m good.” She said pulling a pen out of her hair. “I heard about Zac. How is he?”
“Actually, he is really, really sick...” I said. “He’s a lot worse than anyone is letting on.”
“Really?” Both Jarrod and Madge asked at the same time.
“Yes.” I said feeling all the energy of the last nights sleep running out my fingertips. “His heart stopped...”
“Well, you tell him and that boyfriend of yours that I’m thinking of them.” She said looking at me over her glasses.
“My boyfriend?” I asked my attention suddenly galvanized.
“Yes, my sugar...” She said. I could tell by the way she was placing her hand on her hip that her patience was running short.
“I don’t have a boyfriend...” I said quietly.
“Oh honey, did you break up with Taylor?” She asked.
I looked up at her with my mouth hanging open. Why would she ever think Taylor was my boyfriend? I noticed that Madge was getting more and more impatient. I noticed her posture was slowly curving into the shape she held whenever she kicked us out of here. It was the posture she held the last time all 6 of us were in here together.
“Cleo!!” Zac yelled. “Pass me the blueberry syrup.”
“Zac, I realize that you are only 10 years old, but why must you insist on always screaming my name?” I asked handing him the pot of blueberry syrup.
“Cleo, I realize you are the smartest person in this room, but why must you insist on talking like some old English teacher?” Thad asked reaching across the table and stealing one of my chocolate chip pancakes.
“Bite me, Thad.” I said kicking him under the table.
“With syrup.” Thad said kicking me back with his soccer cleats.
“That hurt, you have cleats on.” I said grabbing a piece of watermelon off of Jarrod’s plate and chucking it at Thad.
“Cleo, what do you want?” Jarrod said breaking into my thoughts.
“I want umm...” I stopped and looked up at her. “Can I get the Funny Face Chocolate Chip pancake?”
“Of course.” Madge said shortly. “And Jarrod, what can I get you honey?”
“I want the Rooty, Tooty, Fresh and Fruity breakfast.” Jarrod said smiling his most winning smile.
“Sure thing.” She said turning and walking back toward the kitchen.
“Fresh and fruity, eh?” I said.
“Cleo, shut up.” Jarrod said shooting me a look of death. “So, Zac’s heart stopped?”
“Yeah, right before his parents got there...” I said watching the half and half slowly turn my coffee from black to a golden brown. “I kinda freaked thinking he was going to die, like Thad... alone... not able to tell anyone goodbye...”
“Wow, can you imagine if he had died?” Jarrod said, reaching out and softly running his fingers over the back of my hand. Such a simple gesture and yet it meant so much at that moment. I looked up at his eyes and was surprised to see tears in his eyes. “I mean, he has always been so full of life... a lot like Thad.”
“You know, I love Zac so much...” I said taking a deep breath. “It makes me physically ache to think of him in pain.”
“Cleo, I know that you’ll probably just wiggle out of this question,” he said sighing, “but really, how do you feel about them?”
“Them? Ike, Tay and Zac?” I asked. He shook his head. “I love them. It really is that simple.”
“Yes, but how do you love them?” He said his hands rubbing his smooth head. “I mean, love comes in so many shapes and sizes and colors...”
“You’ll always be my chocolate teddy bear.” I said smiling over at him.
“Okay, but what about...” He stopped as Madge set our breakfasts in front of us. I smiled up at her, but she remained unmoved by my attempt to kiss up to her. “Thanks.”
“Hmm...” I said as I popped one of the cherry eyes into my mouth. “Well, Ike is easy... Isaac is everything to me. He is my best friend, my brother, my confidante... he is so many things that make me complete. But never my lover...”
“Which is what he always wanted.” Jarrod said picking at the buttermilk pancakes in front of him.
“And honestly, I never knew...” I said, picking the chocolate chips out of the whipped cream smile and stirring them into my coffee. Jarrod pulled a face as the chocolate chips melted into my pale coffee. “I mean, I guess in retrospect, I must have known... But then again, I never would have guessed about you.”
“No one would have.” He said. “I only told one person...”
“Who?”
“Thad.” He said suddenly finding the food on his plate very, very interesting. “I told Thad...”
“When? How did he react?” I asked, suddenly feeling a little weird. I thought Thad and I had no secrets from one another and yet, here was one.
“It was at my 15th birthday party...” He said angrily wiping at the tear that had escaped from his eye. “You guys had gone upstairs to my room and Thad and I were still down in the family room... And I told him I was in love with him... And he sat down and looked at me with his huge Thad eyes and kinda squinted a little...” He stopped for a second, I didn’t know if he was going to continue. So, I joined him in playing with the food on my plates, slowly swirling my chocolate chip pancake through the dark, sticky syrup. “When he finally did something, he stood up and walked towards me... I thought he was going to hit me, but instead he put his arm around my shoulder and told me that was cool with him... I just had to understand he didn’t feel the same towards me.”
“Did he really?” I asked amazed Thad was that mature.
“You know, everyone always made fun of Thad, called him a dumb jock,” Jarrod said. “But you know what? He was a really intelligent, together guy.”
“You know, I think if it had been the other way around... If Thad had lived and I had died, he wouldn’t be as fucked up as I am right now.” I said quietly.
“Not true.” Jarrod said. “He wouldn’t have made it as long as you have.”
“No, he always was the strong one.”
“Cleo, you have so much more strength than he could have ever found.” Jarrod said reaching across the table and grabbing my hand. “Please, don’t ever imagine that he wouldn’t have fallen apart. I think he would have died of a broken heart... You know, I remember once, just before Ike, Tay and Zac left for LA, him telling me that he resented Taylor cause he knew one day...”
“What did he know?” I asked. I needed to know Thad’s secrets.
“He resented that you would spend the rest of your life with Taylor and that you would leave him...”
“Why did everyone know about this but me?” I asked exasperated, slamming my foot into the bench he was sitting on.
“Cleo, you didn’t need to know...” Jarrod said his brown eyes so soft and filled with compassion. “At least not then...”
“When I look back at that time in my life, all I remember is Thad.” I said searching my memory for a moment (or moments) that were clues to what Jarrod claimed everyone knew was inevitable. “I remember...”
“I remember playing night games.” Jarrod said quietly, his eyes fuzzy with the memory. “I can still hear Zac counting to 25...”
“...23, 24, 25!! Ready or not, here I come.” I watched Zac from my perch atop the barn at the very back of our yard. I had climbed the old pear tree and had shimmied out along a perilously narrow branch to drop down onto the roof. This was a tried and true hiding place, no one had ever found me up here, cause when we were all called in, I would drop off the back of the barn only when I knew the coast was clear. I watched as Zac slunk across the yard, slowly picking off the kids from the neighborhood one by one. When there were about 40 kids playing hide and seek, it took a long time for the call in.
After a while, I laid back flat against the roof and began to pick out constellations over my head, when I heard a noise on the other side of the roof. I tilted my head up only to be greeted by the enormous eyes of Taylor looking down on me. “Taylor! You scared me? How long have you been up there watching me?”
“Umm... since the game started...” He said sheepishly. He swung his leg over the top of the barn and slid down the steep roof till he was sitting next to me. “You know, this is all going to be over soon...”
“This game?” I asked.
“No, this...” He said gesturing around the yard. “I mean, you and Thad are 16 and we are leaving soon. Even if our record doesn’t sell and we just come home, you won’t want to play hide and seek anymore by next summer...”
“Tay, I’ll always be up for a good game of hide and seek.” I said watching Zac chase Thad across the yard. Thad was madly zigzagging back and forth dashing for the safe tree. But Zac was smart. He knew his legs could never keep up with Thad, so he just ran full stop for the tree, trying to get between Thad and the tree. Somehow, Zac managed to outrun Thad and tagged him. I watched as Thad began to chase Zac all over the yard before finally bringing him down with a flying tackle. After giving Zac some killer noogies, he stood up and stretched before calling out “Ollie! Ollie! Oxenfree!” I sighed and began to stand up to go to the back of the barn so I could drop down and join everyone before hiding again.
But a hand stopped me. I turned to look at Taylor. “Don’t go back... stay up here with me.” He said, even in the dark I could tell he was blushing. “Let’s just stay up here and enjoy the night... You can point out the constellations to me...”
“No one ever found me, except...” I stopped mid-sentence.
“Except Taylor.” Jarrod finished. “So, we know you love Zac like a little brother and Isaac as a friend. But how do you love Taylor?”
“Jarrod, don’t start this again...”
“Cleo, what are you hiding from?” Jarrod asked leaning his head back and looking up at the ceiling. “You’ve convinced me that yes, you do have feelings, strong feelings for Taylor... But how and why do you love him? And why are you so willing to throw it all away?”
“Okay, you sit and tell me you knew all along he loved me and when I ask why, you just shrug and say you knew because you knew.” I said sitting up and taking my foot off the seat next to Jarrod when Madge threw me a disproving look while she refilled my coffee cup. “Well, it’s very hard to explain, but to me Taylor is the blue sky I’ve spent not just hours or days or even months, but years looking for. He is every little thing to me. He is someone who will walk close to me, hold my hand even when I say I don’t need comfort. Taylor is the person I fall in love with just a little more each time I look at him... And, there is a passion there. A passion I spent so much time ignoring, but now when I look at it, I see it. All of my pleasure and my pain is wrapped up in him. I need him to help me, to hold me, to just be... The world is a better place simply because he exists. And in his eyes I am beautiful. I am the best I can be. His eyes break my heart and heal my soul all in one look... And he is willing to just lie on the roof of the barn and watch the constellations move slowly across the sky with me...” I stopped and looked into Jarrod’s eyes, feeling the familiar burn of tears. “And I am a fool to let all that go. Jarrod, what if he doesn’t want me back?”
“He will.”
“But what if he doesn’t?” I said a strange irrational panic starting at the base of my spine. “I mean, he has waited this long, what if he just laughs at me?”
“He won’t, don’t worry. I can promise he won’t laugh.” Jarrod said shaking his head. “He will tell you that you are the only one who he’d lay on a barn with to watch the constellations move across the sky. He’d tell you he’d take your hand and hold as you walked along the precipice you are constantly balanced on.” Jarrod stopped and just looked at me. As he watched me, I noticed his dark eyes were just a touch too shiny. When he blinked, a single tear broke free of his eyelashes. “And I’m sure he’d tell you that you are his passion. That every song he sings as if his heart is too full or breaking, is for you... Cleo, don’t just throw all that away.”
“But...”
“Don’t, just don’t.” Jarrod said. We sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, but according to the clock hanging over behind the pie case, only 7 minutes passed.
“Are you kids done?” Madge said coming over to our table.
“Yes,” Jarrod said. As Madge tore off our bill and laid it face down on the table. He picked it up and looked over the bill. “I suppose you don’t have any money...”
“ I have money.” I protested. “It’s just in my purse, on the bus, in Mobile.”
“That’s what I thought.” He said as he hauled himself up out of the booth and helped me up. “Cleo, you are the sorriest excuse for a rich girl I’ve ever known...”
“Well, have you ever thought that maybe I’m rich cause I don’t waste my money?” I asked.
“It’s true, you don’t waste your money, you waste other peoples.” And with that, we stepped out into the rapidly heating Tulsa day. “You know, I think you and Taylor are gonna be alright...”