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Catapult
All of the sudden she disappears
I wanna be the knife
that cuts into my hand
I wanna be the light
that burns out your eyes
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|
Catapult
All of the sudden she disappears
I wanna be the knife
that cuts into my hand
I wanna be the light
that burns out your eyes
|
...scattered from here...The ride home was pretty quiet, but comfortable. I watched as the familiar city sped by. As he turned onto Union Ave. and I could see the familiar intersection with 78th Street. I sighed. “Hey, what’s the sigh for?” Jarrod asked reaching over and squeezing my hand.
“Nothing, just thinking.” I said as I stretched. I was getting a little too warm for my sweatshirt and pulled it off. Jarrod started to laugh when he noticed I was wearing one of the original Hanson t-shirts from long before the recording contract.
“You know, last night when I told Ike you wore shirts 5 sizes too small, you didn’t have to prove my point.” I flipped him off as he started laughing even harder. “Hey, how’re your arm and your knee?”
“They feel fine.” I said flexing my knee. “Actually, my leg feels really, really good... Hey!! Do you want to go jogging with me?”
“Jogging?” He asked as he pulled into my driveway.
“Yeah, you know, you go out and run around the block...”
“Do you still jog 10 miles?”
“I try to...”
“Ugh! No way!” Jarrod said rolling his eyes.
I reached over and jabbed Jarrod in the side. “Oh baby, your six pack has gone all soft and mushy...”
“Cleo, I have to go to work...”
“Okay, okay.” I said as I popped the door open. “Wimp.”
“Yes, I am a wimp.” He said as I shut the door. “I’ll call you later.”
I stood in the driveway and watched him pull out onto 78th Street and head west. He turned left onto 33rd West Avenue and disappeared. I turned and looked up at the white 2 story house I called home and felt a twinge of homesickness for the hotels I had grown accustomed to. Or, was I simply missing Taylor? Really, I didn’t want to examine this sudden melancholy too much. I wanted to go and run. I felt like I had been cooped up for just way too long. I ran around to the backdoor of my house and up into my room. I pulled the duct tape off of the tote filled with my shoes and rummaged around until I found my jogging shoes. I hurriedly dressed in scroungy clothing, found my MP3 player and my cellphone. I thundered down the stairs.
As I was about to slam through the back door, I noticed the blinking light on the answering machine. I thought about listening to the inevitable messages, but I knew they would be too draining emotionally and physically. I really, really wanted to run. So, I stepped out the back door and began to stretch. I strapped the MP3 player to my left bicep and secured the headphones to my head with some bobby pins. The mix in it was a mix that Zac had made for me. Soon, I was grooving to some of his favorite songs. After about 5 minutes of stretching, I stepped out onto 78th Street, momentarily considering going west, I looked at the uphill climb I would start with and turned and went East. It only took a few moments for my feet to find a steady rhythm. It had been a long time since I’d run on anything but a treadmill so the uneven pavement actually felt wonderful.
So, the music in my ears and the pavement below my feet gave me a rhythm and direction. I completely unconsciously began to count my foot falls. Counting our footsteps had been one of Thad’s things. He had measured our gates and then had figured out just exactly how many more steps I would have to take to walk a mile than him... It turned out that my running gate was actually a little bit longer than his. He ran for speed, I ran for distance. Before I knew it, I was running across the bridge over the Arkansas River. I turned right onto Riverside Drive and found my thoughts moving away from counting my steps to the inevitable.
Taylor.
What was I going to do about Taylor? How do I even approach the Taylor question? I couldn’t let him leave the band, to quit music for me. Because eventually, he would resent me. And really, now that I had the luxury of distance and rest, I could see that Diana and Walker weren’t the enemy, not that I ever really thought they were. They didn’t NOT want us together. They just wanted us to be careful, to take it slow, to not rush anything. As I pushed my way up a hill and past the Mabee Center, I had to slow so I could peel my t-shirt off and tuck it into the band of my fanny pack. I could feel the familiar vibration of my phone against my side. I resisted the urge to dig it out of my pack and kept running. As Riverside Drive became Riverside Parkway, I heard the familiar strains of one of Zac’s favorite songs.
All of the sudden she disappearsAs I sang along to the words in my head, suddenly the words hit me. Hit me like the truck hurtling towards me. I quickly ran across 91st Street and looked up ahead. Directly in front of me was the Calvary Cemetery. A place I had studiously avoided for six long years. I would drive 5 miles out of my way to avoid the spot and yet, here I was. I stopped at the base of the driveway and looked up at the hill with the Oak tree on it. I had run all this way from my house and yet, now, I found it almost impossible to even move my feet.
just yesterday she was here
somebody tell me if I am sleeping
someone should be with me here
(cause I don't wanna be alone)
I wanna be the light that burns out your eyesI listened to the words of a song that I had listened to a thousand times, but this time instead of hearing Adam Durritz singing it to me, I heard Taylor. And then, it hit me. What was making it impossible for me to be with Taylor. It was Thad. I had never made my peace with Thad. As I crested the hill, I could see the gray marble headstone.
`cause I know there's little things about me
that would sing in the silence of so much rejection
in every connection I make
I can't find nobody home
I wanna be the last thing you hear when you're falling asleep....Thaddeus Groton Burton
July 14th, 1980 -- August 26th, 1996Goodnight, sweet prince.
There were fresh flowers in the vases sunk into the base. As I got close enough to touch the headstone, my knees gave out. This was the first time I’d ever been to this spot with the grave closed and not on Xanax. I had probably just run about 7 miles and I was hot and tired. And I just wanted to lay on Thad’s grave. So, I did.
I laid on my back, my head resting on my t-shirt balled up on his headstone. “Thad, it’s me...” I whispered watching the leaves over my head swing softly back and forth. I could feel the dappled sun moving back and forth across my arms and stomach.
“I know...” A soft almost silent voice whispered back. I sat up and looked all around me. There was no one near me. I laid back down and closed my eyes, just enjoying the feel of the breeze. I felt a shadow fall across my face. “Cleo, move over a little...” The voice said again only this time a little bit louder. I felt a toe nudge me as I opened my eyes to see the most beautiful sight, ever. Standing over me was Thad, with his hair a messy curly halo of shaggy brown curls. He ran his hands through his hair.
“Thad, how can you be here?” I said scooting over. I looked at him carefully, his skin was so smooth, the skin of someone who had never shaved on a regular basis.
“I’m here cause you need me.” He said laying down next to me. “Cleo, you need to let me go... Cleo, you need to realize that I am not the better part of you.”
“It’s so hard.” I said reaching for him.
“You really are so amazing.” He whispered. The world felt so far away. A minute ago, the cemetery had been noisy, filled with the sounds of a city going to and from work. But now, all I could hear was Thad’s voice soft as a breeze on my skin.
“Why don’t I feel amazing?”
“That, I can’t answer.”
“Thad, how did you drown?”
“I don’t remember...” For a second, I lost his voice as the sounds of the city tried to intrude, I concentrated on the sound of the leaves softly rubbing together over my head and his heartbeat quiet voice came back to me. “....what I do remember? I remember you as the queen of night games and the instigator of almost every episode that ended with us getting kicked out of IHOP. I remember people trembled before you when you were angry. Shit, I was even a little scared of your wrath. But, I also remember how sweet and loving you could be. I remember how ultimately gentle you were with Avery and Mac. I remember holding your hand as you cried and cried when you realized Ike, Tay and Zac were leaving and things would never be the same... And Cleo, you couldn’t have loved me so well if you weren’t a person worthy of giving and receiving love.” His voice moved in and out like a radio not quite tuned to the station. “I think you need to remember that about yourself. You need to realize that you need to love yourself.”
“I’ll try.” I whispered.
“You also need to realize all of this is part of much, much greater plan...” I heard him shift next to me, then I felt his fingertips as light as sunshine moving the stray hairs away from my face. “Everything happens for a reason...”
“That is a lie...” I said. “There is no good reason for a 16 year old champion swimmer to drown...”
“Well, there are lots of reasons for everything. Maybe not good reasons, but reason nonetheless... You just can’t see them...” His voice was fading again, the shadow he was casting across my face was slowly fading. “Cleo, you need to talk to Taylor. You need to forgive yourself and allow him to love you...”
The phone in my fanny pack had begun to vibrate again. As this outside sensation began to become more and more prominent, Thad disappeared and the world was there again. I put my hands over my eyes. It didn’t feel like I had been asleep and yet, how could Thad have been there? I absently reached into my bag and fished out my phone. I hit talk without even checking who it was. “Taylor, I love you.”
“Hey, Cleo, it’s me...” He said with little energy. “I just wanted to call and tell you...”
“Tell me what?”
“Is that really you? Not just your voicemail?” He asked his voice breaking.
“Yeah, it’s really, really me...”
“Oh my God, it is so good to hear your voice.” I could hear the tears in his voice.
“I... I miss you so much...” I said tears springing to my eyes. “Taylor, I love you so much...”
“Cleo, I love you too. I can’t believe you finally answered your phone!” Taylor began. “I have been trying and trying and trying to reach you!”
“I know, I’m sorry...” I said, a sob ripping through me.
“And you know what?” His tears tapering off and his voice taking an edge. “I think that you have been incredibly selfish! Even if you don’t care about me, I can’t believe you would abandon Zac... Aren’t you even going to ask about Zac?”
“Well, yeah...” I said. “I guess, I figured you would call me if something really bad happened...”
“You wouldn’t have answered your phone.” He said angrily.
“You’re right, I am selfish....”
“That’s right!” Taylor said emphatically. “Although, I’m sure you have all sorts of really, really good excuses for why you ran away...”
“No, I don’t have any excuse....” I said, the tears were just running down my cheeks and into my hair. On the other end of the line, I could hear Taylor breathing, he was literally gulping air. He was trying to maintain his calm. “Taylor, I love you...”
“Cleo, if you love me, then why did you leave me?” Taylor yelled into the phone. Honestly, he hardly if ever yelled. “You don’t get to fuck with everyone’s lives like this and then think that saying “I love you” fixes it all. We were worried! I was worried.”
“I know.” I said.
“Do you?” He asked, his voice calmer. He was hurt, I totally could understand his anger. “Cause if you did, you would have a better explanation than “I love you”.”
“Taylor, it is so complicated.” I said putting my hand over my eyes.
“Why is it complicated?” He demanded.
“Taylor...” I whined.
“Cleo...” He whined back.
“It’s just... How can I explain this so it makes sense to anyone who isn’t me?”
“I have faith that you can make me understand.” He said.
“Okay, this morning at breakfast, I realized that...” I had to stop, the tears were choking me.
“What?” He asked as the silence stretched on and on. His voice was now softer, but he still expected an explanation. He really wasn’t going to let me off the hook here. “What did you realize, help me understand you...”
“Taylor, you are in almost all of my memories...” I sobbed out.
“How is that bad? Why does that complicate things?” His voice had returned to the tone I am used to, his anger seemed to have melted. “Cleo, that is so comforting to me...”
“Okay, to me memories are like clothing...” I said my breath hitching in my chest. “They are like your favorite shirt you haven’t worn for a while. But, when you take the shirt out and wear it again, it still smells like you remember it smelling. It smells like the last time you wore it. And, we wear what feels comfortable at the time. My memories of you and your brothers are like my green sweatshirt. You know the one...”
“Yeah, actually, I do.” He said. “I remember what blood looks like on it...”
“Yeah, the sweatshirt I was wearing when I broke my leg...” I said. “I love that sweatshirt, because, it is so big I can pull my entire body in it. And you are that sweatshirt... Warm and comfortable. Totally broken in, but sometimes, it is overwhelming...”
“So, what are you saying?” Taylor asked.
“That sometimes, it is all too much for me.” I said. “My memories of Thad are like my blue snowflake sweater...”
“Can you still wear that?” Taylor asked, his voice totally normal, if a little tired sounding.
“No, but I wish I could.” I said, sitting up. “It’s my favorite sweater and it makes me mad cause I can’t get it around me. I want to wrap myself in my memories of Thad, but I can’t and that frustrates me. So, I leave my memories of him in the drawer... But Taylor, it’s time to reorganize my closets...”
“I actually think I understand.”
“Can you forgive me for the way I left?” I asked resting my forehead on my knees.
“Yes, I think I can.” He said quietly.
“Jarrod told me you would.”
“Jarrod?” He asked his voice getting a little louder. “You talked to Jarrod about me?”
“Yeah, we had breakfast at IHOP this morning...” I said shivering, I had been very sweaty when I’d laid down and now a fairly strong breeze was blowing. “By the way, Madge says hello.”
“You went to breakfast?”
“Yeah, we slept on an air mattress out back last night...”
“You slept with Jarrod.”
“Yes.” I said pulling my shirt on while trying to keep the phone against my ear. “Oh, that sounds bad, but trust me, you have nothing to worry about. There was NO sex involved.”
“Cleo, you dated him for almost 5 years and now, you tell me that you slept with him and then tell me not to worry?” He asked, his voice getting the hard edge again.
“Taylor, seriously, Jarrod is nothing to worry about.” I said standing and walking down the hill. “Trust me.”
“But...” he began.
“Seriously, trust me.” I began to walk back the way I came. I was far from home and my muscles were already sore and tired. “So, how is Zac?”
“He’s doing a lot better.” Taylor said. “Today, he was giving Sue so much shit...”
“He was?”
“Yeah, he is really, really hungry and the IV just doesn’t satisfy his hunger.” Taylor said. This should have been funny, but, it wasn’t. “He has tried to get out of bed about 5 times in the last hour. My mother has threatened to sit on him.”
“Taylor, I have to go.” I said as I walked through the front gates of the cemetery. “Please tell everyone hello for me.”
“Okay.” He said sounding tired again. “I just love you so much...”
“I love you too.” I said.
“Cleo, I am so homesick.” Taylor whispered. “I miss you and home so much... It’s like missing something elemental. It’s like not having oxygen...”
“I know, but, you’ll be home soon...”
“Will you be there when I come home?” He asked stifling a yawn.
“With bells on. Are you tired?”
“Yes, I haven’t really slept much for the last couple of days...”
“Well, you need to go to sleep... Call me later...” I said stepping onto the curb and stretching my legs. My knee with the stitches was throbbing and my arm was letting me know it was there.
“Okay,” he yawned again. “I love you. Bye.”
“I love you too, talk to you soon...” I heard the phone disconnect. I shoved it into my fanny pack and turned and looked up the hill. I swear, I saw someone sitting against the tree next to Thad’s grave. This person raised it’s hand and waved to me. I waved back, turned and began to jog home.