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Leaving On A Jet Plane
All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go,
So kiss me and smile for me,
Now the time has come to leave you,
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I stood nervously waiting for the plane to land. And the strangeness of being nervous about meeting a planeload of Hanson’s was a whole new thing for me. I leaned my forehead against the glass wondering exactly what I was going to say when the plane arrived. Yesterday had been a very momentous day for both my mother and myself and for Thad. I had made decisions yesterday that would perhaps change the course of my life forever. I was so not looking forward to any conversations with anyone with the last name Hanson. I watched as in the distance a small dot began to take on the shape and characteristics of a plane. The small white plane was carrying Zac back to me and once I took him home and tucked him in bed. I was leaving. And no one was going to be happy to hear that.
I watched as the small plane touched down. “You can come outside and meet them, if you'd like.” A young woman pushing a wheelchair said.
“Okay,” I said following her out onto the tarmac as the plane slowly taxied towards the low building I had just been standing in. I watched as two men ran out and put blocks around the tires and the small door on the side of the plane dropped open. A beautiful young woman lowered a set of stairs and stepped down. I held my breath, not knowing exactly what to expect. First Diana appeared, laden with bags. I noticed that she looked more rushed and harried with only one child to care for then she did with all seven. I rushed over and took a bunch of bags from her.
“Oh, Cleo thanks so much...” She said as she hugged me. When she pulled back, I saw the tears shining in her eyes. “You have no idea how good it feels to be home. And with all my children alive and well.”
“I know, Diana.” I said as she hugged me again. I watched over her shoulder as Walker started down the steps, a smile as big as the blue Tulsa sky on his lips. When he stepped onto the tarmac, he turned around and held his hand up. As Zac stepped out into the bright sunlight, I felt my knees go weak. I heard Diana grunt slightly as the weight of my body moved from my feet to my arms draped around her.
There was no way the person standing before me was Zac. My Zac was full of life, he was gorgeous, his skin brawny and tawny. His muscles bulging and undeniable under his t-shirts, shirts that fit tightly across his broad chest, molding his rock hard abs. His hair shiny and vibrant, catching the sun. This person before me was skeletal, his cheeks and eyes sunken into his face, a face that was a pale and pasty gray framed by limp and lifeless hair. His arms and legs sticks extending past his too baggy t-shirt and shorts that appeared to be about 10 inches too big for his waist. The person before me made Taylor look like he had a weight problem.
I pulled away from Diana and put my hands to my mouth. Zac who picked me up and carried me like I was nothing. Zac who could go to a gym with me and run as long and as far as me, even if he hadn't worked out for months. Zac who could climb trees with just his arms, pulling himself up arm over arm. Zac who could play drums for 8 hours straight. This very Zac, now stumbled down a short staircase, his legs shaking as he lowered himself step by step. He held his fathers hand as he fell into the waiting wheelchair. I took a deep breath trying to swallow around the enormous lump in my throat.
“Hey sexy.” Zac said weakly as he was turned towards me. “Do I look that bad?”
“No, I just...” I tried to smile, tried to peel the stricken look from my face. “I was just shocked cause I didn't think it was possible for anyone to be skinnier than your brother.”
“Oh no, I can't be that skinny.” Zac said reaching for my hand. His hand was clammy and cool and his grip soft and weak. The thick calluses I was used to feeling were gone, his hands felt soft, almost baby smooth, so unlike Zac. I looked down at his upturned face and I barely recognized him, but his eyes were still his. They still glowed with life, dancing under his thick, unruly eyebrows. “Cleo, I know I don't look great, but trust me I feel so much better. I look like death warmed over, but I feel fine.”
“Well, I hope you feel better than you look.” I said as we walked in front of them, pointing the remote for the automatic door locks at Isaac black Explorer. “Walker, do you want to drive?”
“To be perfectly honest, I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep and the back seat of Ike’s monster is gonna be a very, very nice substitute.” Walker said following Zac in the wheelchair around the truck.
“Okay.” I said as I watched Walker lean down to help Zac. I expected him to take his hands, to pull him up to standing, but instead, he gathered Zac into his arms and lifted him gently, very, very gently into the truck. I turned to go to the back of the truck to stow the bags, but not before I noticed the tears springing to Diana's eyes. I lifted the hatch and turned to see her standing next to me. We could hear Walker and Zac chatting quietly as Walker buckled Zac into his seat. Once he had him secured, he leaned in and planted a kiss on his forehead. I felt the tears building again. I slammed the hatch down and Diana just stood there, her door still unopened. “Diana?”
“Cleo, it's just not right...”
“What's not right?” I said looking down at Diana. I don't remember getting taller than her and yet, I was.
“I shouldn't have to watch my baby be so sick...” She said her breath hiccupping out her. “I thought losing my mother was hard and yet, this... This is hell. I always felt so badly for your mother, but I could never imagine...”
“But, you still have him.”
“And for that, I will forever be grateful.”
“Hey, are you two coming or what?” Zac called through my open door. “I absolutely cannot wait to sleep in my own bed.”
“One Zac bed coming right up.” I said as I climbed into the truck. “So, how is everyone else? Since Zac here seems to be okay...”
“Everyone is wonderful.” Diana said from the back seat. Her voice was strong, but still I could hear a wavering underneath it all. “And Taylor is super, super happy. He can't wait to get home.”
“Yeah, he can't wait to see you.” Zac said from the passenger seat. I smiled half-heartedly; I knew he couldn't wait to see me. He'd told me so himself about 100 times in the last 24 hours. He had mistaken my sobs and hiccups to be me missing him. And I did miss him and I would continue to miss him. “Aren't you excited to see Taylor?”
“Of course, I am.” I said as I maneuvered through the Tulsa traffic. I stole a look over at Zac only to discover he was watching me very closely. “What? I can't wait to see Tay...”
“Okay.” He said settling back into his seat. “I'm feeling very tired...”
“Zac, you just sleep.” Diana said from the back seat. I looked into the rearview mirror and saw the image of love. Walker was laying with his head on Diana's shoulder, the fingers of their right hands intertwined. Diana absently ran her fingers through Walkers coarse black hair. He lifted his head slightly and snuffled his nose into her neck, breathing deeply, drawing comfort from the smell of the person he loved. Seeing that brought fresh tears to my eyes. How could I say I love Taylor and also say I needed to go?
I drove the rest of the way in silence; Zac was fast asleep in the seat next to me. He had settled the seat back slightly and had cracked his window. The wind was ruffling the curls around his face; he absently moved his hand up from his lap to push the curls out of his face. His shirt pulled up slightly, his shorts had slid lower and his shirt and ridden higher. I could see the bones of his pelvis jutting out at horrible angles and those famous tight abs, were gone. Replaced with scars and skin stretched tightly over organs I could practically see. “Oh God.” I said under my breath. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I felt Diana's hand on my shoulder.
“It will get better.” Diana said from the back seat.
“I thought you were going to sleep.” I said quietly not wanting to disturb Walker who had slid over against the window and was snoring softly or Zac whose hands were twitching softly in his sleep.
“Too much to think about, too happy to be back.” Diana said smiling at me. “Ike is so happy with Emory, Taylor is so happy to be coming home to you and Zac is alive.”
“What about the rest?” I asked.
“Oh, they are just so happy to have the boys coming home after the last few months of not traveling with them.” Diana said sighing as the last vestiges of downtown Tulsa streamed by; we had passed the exit to my house a few minutes back. “We won't do that ever again. We need to all stay together... Families are so precious, but you know that.”
“Yes, those we love are so important.” I said. Again, the question of why I had made the decision I had made popped into my head. I had worked it all out, I knew why I had to go, and yet... After destroying Thad’s room yesterday, I had come to the realization that I needed to leave, to go out into the world and discover who I really was. I had always been half of a “and sandwich” as my father called them. I had spent the first 16 years of my life as “Cleo and Thad.” Then I had moved directly into “Cleo and Jarrod.” Next came “Cleo and the boys.” And now, I was stepping straight into “Cleo and Taylor.” When was I ever going to just be Cleo?
When I pulled off the freeway and the car slowed, I noticed Walker stirring in the back seat, but there was no movement at all from Zac. I don't think I've ever seen Zac so quiet in his entire life. By the time Zac had been born, I was an expert at babies. They were no longer a mysterious small presence, but more of a nuisance. And even though he wasn't born in Tulsa, whenever they would come home for a visit, Zac meant we had to be quiet, we couldn't run through the house like banshees and now, we had to take Taylor with us everywhere. At first that was a bit of a bother, but soon, we discovered Taylor with his white hair and enormous blue eyes was a definite asset. With him as front man, we got away with anything.
For the year they were in South America, Thad and I had really missed Ike’s mischievous nature and Taylor's cuteness. And when they came back, we welcomed Zac and his brazen willingness to do anything we suggested, into our tight group. I pulled into the driveway and rolled the window down so I could insert the access card. I drove up the long driveway, watching Walker and Diana straining their necks to get a glimpse of their home. When I came around the final bend, I heard both of them sigh, relieved to be home. I pulled up next to my car and hit the button to the garage door. As the door slowly lifted, I noticed Zac moving, his eyes locked on my sweet Sentra just outside of his car door. “Cleo, where in the fuck do you think you are going?” Zac demanded.
“What?” I asked, trying to feign innocence. When he swore, I looked into the rearview mirror and saw both Walker and Diana looking at my car, packed to the hilt with my clothing and a few more precious artifacts. They didn't even react to Zac swearing.
“Why is your car packed like you are leaving?” Zac demanded.
“Zac, I don't want to get into this right now.” I said pulling into the garage. “Please, calm down...”
“No, right now.” Zac said as he pushed his car door open. I watched as he stepped out of the car and his legs barely held him up. Walker quickly got out of the car to steady Zac, but he had leaned against Taylor's car and was managing to stand fairly straight. Walker went to take Zac’s arm, but he shrugged him off. “I am so sick of being sick...” He said to his father. “I think I can make it into the house by myself.”
“Are you sure son?” Walker said unmistakable concern in his eyes.
“Yes, Dad. Cleo can help me?”
“Of course,” I said as I slid out of the car and rushed around the back end.
“So, what? You're leaving, again?” Zac said turning back towards me.
“No... Well, yes, but...” I began.
“But what? You were going to go and not tell anyone again. How can you claim to love Taylor?”
“Zac, please...” I said walking up to him, reaching for him. But he batted my hand away. He glared at me and turned trying to storm off, but his legs betrayed him. At the end of Taylor's BMW when he no longer had support, he fell to his knees. “Oh God, Zac.”
“Cleo, as much as I hate you right now, can you help me?” Zac said tears dripping off the end of his nose as he knelt on all fours. I silently reached down and pulled him upright, surprised to discover that he wasn't all that much heavier than Avery. As he slowly mounted the steps a million snotty remarks flooded into my head, but I bit my tongue. He didn't need to hear any of them right now. He leaned heavily on me as we mounted the stairs into the house, his tears just leaking down his cheeks. He didn't even bother to hide them or to wipe them away. He had the air of a man who had been completely and utterly defeated. He was actually starting to scare me; he was just a shell that looked vaguely like Zachary Walker Hanson, rock star and smart ass extraordinaire. When we reached the landing, I started to lead him back into the family area. “Cleo, take me up to my bedroom, please.”
“Zac, are you sure you want to go up to your room?” Diana asked. “That's two more flights of stairs, baby.”
“Mom, I want to sleep in my bed, surrounded by my things.” Zac said.
“But honey, how will we know if you need us?” She asked smoothing his hair back away from his forehead, smoothing away the tears and the sweat already standing out on his forehead.
“Do you still have a baby monitor?” He asked. He had always hated to be called the baby of the group, resented the fact that people always assumed he wasn't as important as Tay and Ike cause he was younger.
“I think I can find one...” Diana said jogging up the steps in front of Zac and I.
“Thanks Mom.” Zac said. “Come on, let's get moving. I'm really not this weak, I've just walked a lot today, already...”
“Zac, you don't really hate me, do you?” I asked my breath coming in harsh rasps as I carried most of his weight up the second set of steps.
“Yes and no.” Zac said, his breathing as labored as mine. “I will always love you, but I don't know if I can forgive you for what you are about to do to Taylor.”
“Zac, I need to rest.” I said as I set him down gently on the bottom step of the steps that lead up into the garret room he shared with Isaac and Taylor. “Zac, please understand, I'm not doing this to Taylor, I'm doing it for him...”
“Whatever.” He snorted. “Just keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better.”
“Zac, I can't give myself to Taylor if I don't know who I am.” I said as I heard Diana moving around down in Zoë’s room. “I need to find myself...”
“That is such a load of crap.” He said as I stood up and reached for him. He took my hand and I hauled him back to his feet. “You're Cleo. The smart half of Cleo and Thad...”
“See, that is exactly what I mean.” I said as we worked our way slowly up the steep stairs, stairs that once lead to an attic. “Zac, can you think of anything I've ever done by myself? Can you think of a picture of just me? Can you honestly tell me that you have any memories of just me?”
“Yes, I can.” He said as we stepped into his room. He took his arm away from my shoulder and walked haltingly across the room toward his bed. I followed close behind.
“You can?” I asked surprised as he sank onto his bed. “I can't. I've never been on my own, never. My whole life, it's been Cleo and Thad or Cleo and Jarrod and now, it's Cleo and Tay. When do I get to be just Cleo?”
“When you decide to just be Cleo.” He said.
“But who is that?” I asked collapsing onto Taylor's bunk. “I'm afraid that I’ll never find that out if I don't do it now... And can I truly be happy if I don't know if it's what I really want?”
“Yes, you can.” Zac said. “Sometimes what you have becomes what you want. And I know for a fact that you are all Taylor thinks about pretty much constantly. If you go you'll take everything away from him. I don't know if he'd survive...”
“Of course he'll survive.” I said dismissively. “Music is his life, not me...”
“You seriously underestimate your importance in his life,” Zac said settling back against his pillows. “In all of our lives... You mean so much to all of us.”
“Zac, I love you so much.” I said sinking to my knees in front of him. “I'm just... Just so confused.”
“Why? What is so confusing about love?” Zac asked sitting up and pulling off his t-shirt. He was so sweaty from that little bit of exercise. “Unless, you have no idea what love is... Is that it? Has it been so long since you honestly loved something you've forgotten what love is?”
“Zac...” I began shaking my head, trying not to stare at his ribs, at the vibrant red scars, at the spots where his flesh had been rubbed raw from laying in a hospital bed for almost a month.
“Okay, I’ll leave you alone, let you run away, if you do me one favor.”
“Fine.” I said. I would have agreed to anything to just get away cleanly. Honestly, every second I spent with Zac, the more of my resolve crumbled away. “What do I have to do?”
“Go over to Tay’s desk, in the top drawer, there is a scrapbook.” Zac said flopping back down, throwing his arm over his eyes. “Just look at it and if you feel like you can still leave, then you are free to go.” I walked over to the desk and pulled out the now familiar scrapbook. The picture on the cover hadn't lost any of its surprising beauty. I took the book out of the drawer and walked back over to Zac. Settling on the floor, I put the book on my knees and began the slow journey through my life. I could feel Zac’s breath on my shoulder as I flipped it open. “See, there it is: “...what is essential is invisible to the eye.” Cleo, all you need to do is trust your heart.”
“It isn't that easy...” I began. “My heart is so battered and beaten, I don't think it knows anything anymore. I don't think I can trust it.”
“You have to trust something.” He said rolling back onto his back. As I flipped through the pages, discovering again all the reasons I love Taylor. He was beautiful, there was no denying that, but there was so much more than that involved in this. “I know you're going to go, but promise me just one thing.”
“Anything.” I said my fingers moving over the pictures of Taylor and I sitting so close together, of him lying on me tickling me, of us rolling down a hill. God, I loved him.
“Tell him.” He whispered as sleep descended on him. He seemed too weak to fight off sleep. “Tell him why you are going and that you will be back. You are coming back, right?”
“Of course, I love Taylor so much...” I said quietly stopping on the page of mine and Thad’s 16th birthday. I was riveted to the pictures of the beaming faces, everyone was happy. Even my mother and father were laughing. How could something, one single act change all of our lives so completely, so essentially. “...what is essential is invisible to the eye.” There had to be a clue somewhere in these smiling photos who I was going to be. What road was I heading down? How had I gotten so lost? “I just need time to think...”
“Okay, do you think you could go down and tell my mom I need something for the pain?” I turned at his soft voice and noticed that he was even paler than he had been before, but he had two spots of bright pink on his cheeks and his breath was coming in soft shallow pants. “Please, go find my mom.”
“Are you okay?” I asked jumping up, leaving Taylor's book open on the floor.
“Yeah, I just hurt, a lot.” He said shifting on his bed and wincing in pain.
“Diana?” I called as I ran down the stairs, rushing into Zoë’s room. The closet had been pulled apart, toys and games strewn all over the room that had once been spotless. But Diana wasn't anywhere to be found. “Diana?” I called out again.
“In the kitchen.” She called up the stairs. I pounded down the stairs and came to a halt when I saw Walker and Diana riffling through a junk drawer. “I finally found the monitor, now I'm just looking for some batteries... What's wrong?”
“Zac doesn't look good. He says he needs something for the pain.” I said fighting the tears back.
“I’ll deal with it.” Walker said grabbing the main monitor and a bag filled with pill bottles.
“Cleo, are you okay?” Diana asked. I didn't trust my voice so I just shook my head. “I know this has all been hard on you... Honestly, it's hard on everyone, but you never seemed to recover from losing Thad...”
“I know.” I said. “But...”
“Wait, hear me out.” She said coming over to me and smoothing my hair, patting my hand, leading me over to sit on a barstool. She poured me a glass of water and handed it to me. “Drink this. Now, I know you're leaving and I know why. We didn't tell any of the kids, cause what would be the point.”
“How did you know?” I asked in between huge gulps of water.
“I've talked to your mother.” Diana said getting out another glass and pouring herself a huge glass of water. “Besides just yesterday, for years... Your mother may be a hard woman, but she loves you.” I snorted. “She does, she just... She doesn't think you love her. Ironic isn't it?” I looked up at her pale blue eyes and saw a sincerity there. Her eyes were a perfect almond shape and a startling shade of blue gray. “Here you think she doesn't care about you and she thinks you don't care about her. Maybe she clings to the memory of Thad because she is afraid that is all she'll ever get.”
“Why would she think I don't love her?”
“For the same reasons you are about to break my sons heart.” Diana said placing her glass gently on the counter. “She doesn't believe she is worthy of love, just like you don't think you deserved to be loved by my son. Cleo, he isn't perfect.”
“I know.”
“Do you?” She said reaching out and placing her hand over mine. “All I know, is that he loves you with all that he is. And that is saying quite a bit, in fact, that is saying all you really need to know.”
“I know.” I said lowering my eyes; I couldn't look into her eyes. They were the eyes that haunted me.
“Do you?” She said putting her hand under my chin and raising my eyes back up to hers. “Please, don't throw this away because you can't forgive yourself.”
“Forgive myself?” I felt the tear slip down my cheek, she wiped it away gently.
“For living. Isn't this what this is all about?”
“I... I don't know...” I said. “I don't know anything! I don't know who I am or what I want or where I'm going... All I know is that I love Taylor so much that it breaks my heart. But, how can I give myself to him as fully as he is willing to give himself to me if I don't know who I am?”
“Aw, honey, you're Cleo, the beautiful girl next door, the girl who was my oldest daughter for a long time, the love of my sons life.” She smiled softly at me, tears shimmering in her eyes. “I understand why you're going, I just wish you wouldn't.”
“I'm sorry.”
“Yeah, I know.” She said wiping at her eyes. “Not half as sorry as we'll be with Taylor moping around, sighing dramatically, flopping onto sofas with his arm over his eyes...”
“Now, I'm really sorry.” I said. “I’ll be back.”
“I know.” She smiled softly. “I have just one favor to ask.”
“Anything.”
“Please, tell Taylor you're leaving and that you'll be back.”
“Okay, I promise.” I said looking at my hands.
“Where are you going?” She asked.
“I don't know yet, I’ll know when I get there.” We sat in silence for a few minutes before Diana leaned forward and turned on the baby monitor. Soon, the room was filled with the sounds of Zac and Walker chatting softly. Zac laughed quietly at his father. I heard Walker ask Zac if he needed anything else. Zac must have shaken his head, cause I heard Walker sigh deeply. He then told Zac that maybe he'd just lie on Tay’s bed to take a nap, so he'd be close if Zac needed anything.
“Cleo, I won't lie, I wish you would stay.” Diana said putting her hand over mine. “But I know why you have to go. Walker and I both understand, but we know that life will be less than fun around here for a while.”
“I'm sorry.” I looked into her eyes and knew if I didn't leave this minute, I wasn't leaving. “Diana, I have to…”
“…go. I know.” She said pulling me into a warm embrace. She held my hand as she led me towards the front door. “Call Taylor and be safe. Know always that we all love you.”
“I love you too.” I said standing on this new and strange front porch. “I'm gonna go…”
“I know.” Diana said as she slowly closed the door. “Good bye.”
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