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Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Oh yeah look at you baby yeah
Christmas oh the snow's comin' down
They're singing deck the halls
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The days since I had left Tulsa became a constant blur of pain. So, my time in Salt Lake had moved very, very slowly. But really, that was fine by me ‘cause slow is what I craved. After I hung up with Taylor, I drove for almost 24 hours straight when I pulled into the Salt Lake valley. And at that precise moment, I decided now was my time to live up in the mountains just like I’d always dreamed. I found a singularly unremarkable apartment set high up on the mountainside. Each evening, I sat on the small west-facing balcony with a cup of coffee and watched the sun set stopping for those short 15 minutes to just think about what I’d left behind. Often wondering just what Taylor was doing at that moment. Wondering if I picked up my phone and dialed his number if he would answer. Wondering if he had watched this same sunset 1200 miles to the southeast and had thought about me. And then once the sun was gone, my life began again. I quickly found a truly boring job. But after Hanson… Well, I needed time to just be alone and quiet. I hardly ever even turned on the radio in my car and I didn’t have a television. So, I was quickly falling farther and farther out of the loop.
But, there were some perks to my new quieter life. Each morning when I woke up, I knew what city I was in that day. Everyday as I shuffled to work, I knew the exact date and which day of the week it was. One day after another, I knew what was going to happen. There was no mystery, no excitement, no Isaac, no Zac, but most of all, no Taylor... Each day started much like the last. My alarm went off at 6:01 am; I rolled out of bed, turned on my computer, started a pot of coffee and then, got in the shower. By the time I finished showering, my coffee was ready for me and my computer was loaded and waiting for me. I would then sit at my computer wearing only a towel and read the single email I cared about. Each morning as my mail downloaded, I knew there would be one from Taylor. I read it, saved it, then got ready for the day. By December 23rd, I had an enormous file of mail from Taylor and I hadn’t answered one.
On the morning of December 24th, my day started later than usual since I didn’t have to work. I had just gotten out of the shower when there was a knock on the door. I pulled the door open a crack, peering through the space left by the hooked chain. Standing outside of my door stood my downstairs neighbor. “Good morning, Mrs. Russell.”
“Good morning, sweetheart.” She said smiling warmly at me. She often told me I was her favorite ever neighbor because I was not only young, but also very helpful and quiet.
“Did you need something?” I asked undoing the chain. “Sorry, I just got out of the shower.”
“Oh, that’s fine dear. I do need a few things if you go to the store, but the mailman left a big box for you in my apartment.” She said. “I heard him come up and then he was about to leave. But I stopped him and made him leave it with me. Cause I knew it was your Christmas from home.”
“Thank you so much. I’ll be down to get it and your shopping list in a minute.” I smiled back at her. Wondering what on earth my mother had sent me.
“Cleo, you are such a wonderful girl. I have no idea what your mother does without you.” She said patting my cheek before walking out of my apartment. As I hurriedly pulled on some sweats, I had to laugh. If only kindly Mrs. Russell knew how unlikely it was that the box was from my mother. I hurried and bounced down the stairs, intent on picking up this box supposedly from my mother.
About 30 minutes after I
walked through Mrs. Russell’s doors, I walked out with a fairly lengthy
shopping list, a plate full of mouth-watering cookies and fudge and an
enormous box with a label written in Margaret’s swirling handwriting.
I set the box on the floor and pulled the tape off the top. As I
opened the top, I could see tons of colorfully wrapped boxes settled among
the packing peanuts and setting on top was a note.
Cleo,Hello Duck!! Here are all your Christmas presents. Your mother
was so disappointed when she found out your weren’t coming
home for Christmas. Diana brought all the presents from her and
her kids, so there are lots of things in here for you. I hope you come
home soon.Love,
Mama Margaret
I smiled. I loved
Margaret like no one else. I plucked all of the presents out of the
box and set them on the floor around me. I guess I should have waited
until Christmas morning, but I was so happy to get them that I couldn’t
wait. Soon, I had opened all of them. Each item lined up along
my couch and the accompanying card standing on the coffee table.
I had noted on each card what each person had given me. Margaret
had sent me a cashmere sweater (something she had given me for about 8
years, since I had once admired her sweater), my mother had sent me a beautiful
silver frame with a picture of her and my father tanned and beautiful in
Fiji, Diana and Walker sent me a much more simply framed picture of their
family, all of them smiling wearing matching denims shirts (Zac looked
eerily like Taylor in his new skinny body), Isaac had sent me a biography
of Muddy Waters (a testament to his new obsession with the blues), Zac
had sent me a t-shirt with the saying “I’m with Stupid” on the front (which
was only funny when you read his note explaining that he had given Taylor
a shirt that read “Stupid”), Jessica sent me a complete stationary set,
paper, envelopes, pens, even a pack of stamps (not a very subtle hint),
Avery sent me a beautiful bowl she had made in ceramics class, painted
beautifully, Zoë had sent me her Zubbie, which brought tears to my
eyes, and my father had sent me a silver locket on a delicate silver chain,
when I popped it open, inside there was a picture of me as a little girl
on one side and picture of him on the other side (and in the envelope with
the card was $500.00 dollars). I slowly ran my fingers along the
gifts. Suddenly, it occurred to me there was nothing here from Taylor.
I crawled back over to the large box and started sifting through the packing peanuts. I couldn’t find anything in the box. So, again, I counted the gifts. I should have 11 gifts and I only had 10. I picked up the box and dumped the remaining peanuts out onto the floor. As the Styrofoam nuggets fluttered to the floor, I heard a satisfying thud. I ran my fingers through them until I ran into something hard. I grasped the small box, this was by far the smallest of all the gifts. And unlike all the rest, there was no card, just a box. I held the tiny box in my hand, scared to open it. The wrapping job was truly horrible. The piece of paper had been too big. There was tape everywhere. The ribbon was twisted and uneven. Taylor had definitely wrapped it himself.
I must have sat looking at the box for ten minutes, not moving, not blinking, I was barely even breathing. Taylor had touched this and very recently. Slowly, I undid the ribbons, pulling the paper apart gently. Soon, I was holding a plain, beige cardboard box. I pierced the tape along one side of the lid and held my breath. What was going to be inside? Inside, folded into a small square was a note, nestled on a bed of cotton. I pulled out the tiny piece of paper and balanced the box on my knee. As I unfolded it, the box slid off my knee and into my lap. Using one hand to smooth the paper, I fished the box out of my lap. I felt something cold and metallic as I scooped up the cotton. I looked down and hooked onto my index finger was a ring. A beautiful ring. It was white gold, with an emerald cut diamond set in it. The facets caught the dismal light trying to burn its way through my apartment window and sent rainbows dancing around the room.
I was mesmerized by the way
the dim light fractured within the shine of the diamond. I moved
my hand to slide the ring on. As I slid the ring onto my ring finger,
my attention was diverted to the piece of paper floating to the floor next
to me. I could see Taylor’s messy scrawl, slashed across the page.
I held the page before me and tears sprang suddenly to my eyes. It
was only two sentences, but they said so much.
Cleo,I want you to understand I’m serious. Will you marry me?
Taylor
I held my breath as I
read the words over and over and over again. I quickly stood and
walked into the kitchen. I dialed the number I knew so well, almost
better than I knew my own phone number. “Hello?” The
voice on the other end of the phone asked. Taylor had never sounded
so good to me. I lowered my head onto my kitchen table and began
to cry. There were so many things I wanted to say to him and yet,
I couldn’t even open my mouth to speak. “Hello? Cleo?”
I began to cry even harder. He knew it was me.
“Taylor?” I whispered, tears dripping off my nose and onto the yellow Formica tabletop. I wasn’t sure he would be able to hear me, but I was positive he could feel me, even over all these miles.
“Cleo? Oh God, it is you...” He said. I could tell he was crying on the other end of the line. I could hear his breathing quicken as he stood to walk out of whatever room he was in. This may sound strange, but as I pictured him striding across the kitchen and out the back door (cause I heard the distinct sound of a sliding glass door opening), I couldn’t even picture what their new house looked like. I couldn’t place him anywhere, but in the house of 78th street, the house next door to mine.
“Yes.” I whispered the sound almost not there.
“Cleo…” He whispered back. I could hear the tears in his voice.
“Taylor, I want to come home...” I said as I hit the end button on my phone. I couldn’t talk to him, listen to his voice. He was too real and too perfect and too far away. Sobs took over my body. I lay with my head on the lonely table of my almost barren apartment in Salt Lake and just gave in to the sobs. I sobbed until I could no longer hold the phone. I sobbed until I could no longer stay upright in my chair. I slid down onto the floor and curled up into a ball cradling the phone against my chest. I don’t know how long I laid there, but it felt like an eternity. Sometime after dark, I dragged myself off the floor, ran to the store for Mrs. Russell and then came home and fell into bed.
Christmas morning dawned clear and unbelievably cold. I lay in bed and made rainbow patterns across the ceiling with my ring. I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed, but I knew I probably should. Eventually, my bladder let me know that if I didn’t get up now, I was going to be sorry. I crawled out of bed and grabbed the first article of clothing I came across. I found myself standing in my bathroom wearing a pair of boxers and the shirt Zac had sent me. As I washed my hands, I was again taken with how beautiful this ring was. How did Taylor get a ring that fit me so perfectly?
I walked back out to the living room and sank down onto the couch. I picked up the picture of the Hanson’s, studying it carefully. As I looked at the family gathered around Diana and Walker, I realized that maybe being a part of something, being part of an “and sandwich” wasn’t so bad. These nine people would always be connected, would always rely on each other, and would never be able to extricate themselves from this unit. To be honest, they were happy to be a part of a unit. They would never have to find out who they were. I could go back to Tulsa and define myself within my relationship and be completely happy, if I wanted to be. Cause how I was living wasn’t life. I would rather be lost with Taylor than found without him.
I walked over to my computer and switched it on. I should probably give my work at least a couple of days notice. But my boss would probably just let me quit. So, I could probably be home by New Years. As I surfed the net looking for the cheapest ticket back to Tulsa, the doorbell rang. I pulled the door open thinking I’d find Mrs. Russell standing there a plate of cookies in her hand. Instead, an astounding sight greeted me.
Standing in my doorway was a deliveryman holding what looked like three-dozen roses. “Delivery for Cleo Burton.” A muffled voice said from behind the forest of flowers.
“Are you sure?” I asked completely taken aback by the sheer number and size of the glorious red roses. I had gotten flowers before, but the buds were enormous. I could smell them even from a distance of about 5 feet.
“Yes,” the voice said lowering the roses. There before stood the most glorious sight I’d ever beheld. Taylor smiled at me, tears standing in his eyes. “I know I promised that I would give you the space you needed… But Margaret finally caved.”
I stood there, my mouth hanging open, my heart skipping several beats. I felt tears flooding my eyes immediately. I just stood drinking in the beauty that was Jordan Taylor Hanson. He stood before me his hair was now longer, his face was pale from the early winter in Tulsa. But his eyes were still blue, that astounding breathtaking blue. I wanted to reach out and touch him, to smooth back his messy bangs, to kiss him, long and hard and deep. “Well, I’ll make sure she gets a huge bonus.” I said stepping back and inviting Taylor into my apartment.
He set the flowers down on the table and then swung his bag off of his shoulder and onto the ground. He dropped to his knee. “Cleo, will you marry me?” He asked taking my hand where I wore the ring he bought me.
I fell to my knees so that I was facing him and threw my arms around him. “Yes.”