Does anyone else think Zac looks totally sexy here? I have to remind myself he's only like 15...
Does anyone else think Zac looks totally sexy here?
I have to remind myself he's only like 15...
SHARP DRESSED MAN
A Zac story...
Dana
The hot summer sun slowly edged its way towards the horizon. Splashes of orange,
pink, and yellow splayed out across the sky, illuminating everything with a
golden sheen. I sighed contently and stretched my arms above my head before
leaning back onto the sand. The ocean before me lapped gently against the shore;
the soft noise lulling me to sleep. I rolled my head lazily to the side to gaze
at my partner. He turned to me, a smile playing on his handsome face. His bronze
muscles rippled as he stretched himself and rolled over onto his side to face
me. I smiled happily back at him as he leaned in closer to me, his lips just
inches from mine. His thick, dark hair glowed in the fading sunlight, and I
closed my eyes, waiting for his lips to reach mine. I felt him scoot even
closer, and then he spoke.
“Dana,” he murmured.
“Yeah,” I answered breathily.
“Dana,” he said again, more persistent.
“Yeah? Right here! Ready and willing--”
“DANA!!!!!” my boss suddenly screamed in my ear. I jerked back to attention, my
heart hammering in my chest. I suddenly realized that I’d been staring right
through her for the past five minutes.
“Yeah?” I stammered, feeling a blush creep across my cheeks.
My boss, Paula, stood before me, her hands on her hips. “Are you going to sit
there in la-la land all day, or are you actually going to get some work done
around here?”
“Uh, sorry, I was just daydreaming,” I said sheepishly. Geez. She had been a
real bitch all day. Usually Paula was pretty cool for a boss, easy-going with a
sharp, cynical sense of humor.
“Well, get your head out of your ass and get your folding done,” she said,
“because I need you to help me with a tuxedo order at 12:30.”
“Tuxedos?!?! I don’t anything about tuxes! I work in the
Kids' section, Paula! Where is Steph? I thought she was in charge of that stuff.”
“Steph called in this morning. She said she was coming down with something.”
I snorted loudly. “HA! More like GOING down on something... you know Chris
stayed with her last night.” Steph had a bad habit of calling in “sick” when her
boyfriend stayed all night with her.
Paula gave me the look.
The I
don’t care what you think, just get your shit straightened out before I hurt you
look. “Well, whatever she’s doing, I
don’t care. She’s not here, and you are, so you’re elected. Now hurry up, it’s
already five past twelve.” With that said, she marched off.
I grumbled as I turned back around and began folding my shirts. I’d originally
thought that working at a department store would be fun... helping people,
getting to check out the newest stuff, getting discounts.... HA. Sure, I did get
to do that stuff, but mostly this job consisted of following bratty little kids
around and cleaning up the mess they made. And covering for other people when
they called in "sick."
I finished folding my pile of shirts, then stepped back to admire my display.
Perfect. I whistled and snapped my fingers to the music that played softly over
the intercom. I marched over to the tuxedo stand and waited patiently for Paula
to arrive.
At about 12:25 Paula ran up to the tux stand, several sheets of paper in her
hand and a flustered look on her face. This was so unlike her, I thought to
myself. She’s usually very in control of herself, or at least she always seems
to be.
“Paula, what’s going on? You look like hell,” I remarked casually to her. I
grinned as her face snapped towards me and a glare formed over her features. She
was never one to take compliments well.
“I’ll tell you what’s going on. I don’t have time for this shit. I have other
stuff to do than to sit here and babysit those boys when they come in to get
their stuff. The District Manager found out they ordered from us and demanded
that we show them some ‘special treatment.’ Yeah, well his
ass is
going to need some ‘special treatment’ when I get done with him,” she griped.
She stopped abruptly and smiled sweetly at me. “And since Miss Stephanie has
decided to take the day off, you’ll be the one fawning over them while they’re
here.”
“What are you talking about?” I was honestly confused. Hell, it was just a
couple of tuxedos. We rented them out all the time. Guys came in, picked them
up, paid for them, then left. It wasn’t that hard.
“Honestly, Dana, how do you make passing grades in college without ever
listening? Do you ever pay attention? To anything?”
“I’m sorry! Perhaps I do have a tendency to daydream now and then, but let’s
discuss that later. What is going on here?”
Paula tossed the papers, which were order receipts, down onto the counter. “OK.
Now, Miss Dana, you’ve heard of Hanson, I presume? That pop music group? You
haven’t been daydreaming too much to have missed hearing of them over the past 7
years or so?”
“Yes, Paula, I know who Hanson is.”
“Well, it seems the oldest one is getting married today. They ordered their
tuxedos from us, and they are coming to pick them up at 12:30, which is
approximately 2 minutes from now. District Dickhead caught wind of it and he’s
all in a tizzy. He would probably be up here kissing their feet if he didn’t
have to do that evaluation in Oklahoma City.”
I laughed in disbelief. “I don’t ever remember seeing them come in here to order
anything. Are you serious?“
“They mailed in their measurements and all that. Usually that’s not how we do
things, but that’s just another part of the ‘special treatment’.”
“But why in the hell would they order from
us, when
they could probably easily get some fancy designer to make them special?”
She threw her hands in the air. “I have no idea, but it pisses me off. They’re
just like everyone else, they should just come in here, pick up their shit, pay,
and leave, just like any other human being.” She glanced at her watch. “Well,
they should be here any minute now. You just stand here and look perky.”
“Yes ma’am,” I saluted her.
“Funny, Dana. Now I’m going to the breakroom for a second. I’ll be right back.
Oh, and if they come in while I’m gone-- and I’m telling you this because I know
how you are-- try extra hard not to cause a scene. Hopefully no one will notice
that they’re even here, and the last thing we need today is a thousand
screaming, pre-pubescent girls storming this department.”
“Cause a scene?!?! Geez, knock over a few shelves once by accident and you’ll
never live it down. Take some valium while you’re back there, Paula-- it does
wonders.”
She ignored my last remark and flew toward the back of the store. I leaned on
the counter and sighed. Great. The Hanson boys were already irritating me, and I
had never even met them. Most girls probably would have been delighted to do
this, I knew. But I knew nothing about tuxedos, I had other work to do, and if I
didn’t get that other work done then I would have to stay later tonight to
finish it. Grrrr. Besides, today was just a bad day overall to begin with. I was
feeling bloated and crampy and ugly. Especially since I’d just found out the day
before from a close friend that my recently
ex-boyfriend
had a date tonight with some high school slut. I scowled to myself. Yeah, a
slut, but beautiful one nonetheless. I glanced down at my dress and high heeled
shoes. I suppose I actually wore this outfit today to try and make myself feel
better, but all it was doing was killing my feet. So yeah, today sucks. Let it
be known that today, Saturday, April 17, 2004, officially sucks.
Geez, Dana. Complain much?
I took my shoes off and set them behind the counter.
Ahhhh, sweet relief. From the corner of my eye I saw my friend Jason walk by,
straightening clothes up along the way. Jason worked in the Mens’ department ,
which was adjacent to the tux stand. His back was turned and an evil idea
formed in my head. I snuck towards him, moving softly and carefully so that he
wouldn’t see me. I bent over and crawled inside one of the rounder racks until I
was completely hidden. I snickered to myself. Jason and I were always playing
silly pranks on each other during work. I could only see the tops of people’s
shoes from my angle, and I waited for him to walk by. I grabbed a white collared
shirt off one of the hangers and put it over my head.
I sat there, extremely uncomfortable, for several minutes. Nothing.
Dammit, where is he at? I thought he was heading
this way. I was about to give up when I
heard footsteps approaching. I grinned gleefully and got into a springing
position. Closer, closer..... now!
I leaped out from the inside of the rack and screamed. “BOO!” Cracking up, I
pulled my “ghost” costume off my head. Then I froze, praying for God to bring on
a sudden natural disaster to destroy the store. Anything. Anything at all, just
kill me now quickly
before I die slowly and painfully of
embarrassment.
Isaac Hanson stood before me, his hand on his heart and his eyes bulging out. He
was as white as the shirt I held in my hand. He stood so still that for a moment
I wondered if I hadn’t rendered him catatonic. Behind him, the younger brothers
Taylor and Zachary stood with similar shocked looks.
“I- Omigod... I am so sorry... I thought you were someone else-- oh, shit,” I
stuttered. I quickly glanced around to make sure Paula hadn’t seen that. She
was nowhere to be found. GOOD. This would just be our little secret then.
I straightened myself up and tried valiantly to reclaim my dignity. “Well, guys,
I assume you’re here to pick up the tuxedos?”
Isaac didn’t move. Zachary snickered loudly, covering his mouth with his hand.
Finally Taylor shoved his older brother and he nodded.
“Yeah, tuxes,” he managed.
I nodded assertively and beckoned them to follow. “Right this way.”
I turned around and marched back to the counter, my face burning all the way. We
reached the counter, and it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn’t the foggiest
idea of what to do. I didn’t even know where we kept the orders. Were they in
the back? Wasn’t I supposed to find their receipts or something? Damn you,
Paula. Where was she, anyway?
“OK, um, well I’ll be honest with you. I don’t know what I’m doing,” I said
slowly. “I don’t usually work in this department. We’ll have to wait until my
manager gets back up here.”
Isaac’s face fell and he frantically looked at his watch.
“Is there a problem?” I asked uncertainly.
“Um, I hope not... but we need to hurry... the wedding’s at 2.”
My jaw dropped. “TWO O’CLOCK?” I screeched. “It’s 15 til one right now!!!!”
He nodded emphatically and started cracking his knuckles. “I know, I know!!!! We
need to hurry and try them on, then get out of here.”
“Try them on?”
“Yeah.”
“You haven’t tried them on yet? You didn’t come in before today and see if they
needed alterations?”
His brow furrowed. “Is that a bad thing?”
I grabbed the phone from the top of the counter and quickly punched in the
intercom code. “Paula, Code 100 to the tuxedo stand, PLEASE, Code 100 to the
tuxedo stand,” I barked into the receiver. Code 100 translated to “Get
your ass up here, NOW.”
A minute later Paula came flurrying up to the stand, a bright smile on her face.
“So,” she chirped. “How is everyone today?”
*****
Zac
I glanced over at Isaac as we waited on the manager to arrive. He was twitching.
Well, he’d been like that all day actually. It was like he couldn’t stand still
to save his life. I had no idea getting married could be so nerve-wracking. And
when that girl jumped out of the rack-- oh, that was classic.
I studied the girl. She was pretty cute, actually. She had a nametag on that
read “Sarah” and wore a baby blue dress. She wasn’t, however, wearing any shoes.
I was about to ask her where they were when a woman who I presumed to be Paula
strode up.
“So, how is everyone today?” She smiled brightly at us. From the corner of my
eye I noticed the girl roll hers. I suppressed the urge to laugh again.
“Fine,” we answered in unison, although that was pretty far from the truth.
Isaac was about to have a nervous breakdown, I was bored out of my mind, and
Taylor was, well, Taylor.
“OK, let me see.... we have your receipts right here... and the tuxes are right
back here,” Paula murmured, handing the paperwork over to Ike. She reached under
the counter and handed each of us a plastic bag containing our tux. “Anything
else I can do for you boys?”
“Paula, they haven’t even tried them on yet,” said the girl with a
boys are so stupid
look on her face. “And the wedding’s in an hour.”
Paula’s eyes grew huge. “What?!”
Ike, Taylor, and I all looked at each other, bewildered. What was the big deal?
Men never had to try on clothes. That was just the way it worked.
Paula grabbed us by the shoulders and herded us to the dressing rooms. “Hurry,
hurry!!!!” she urged, shoving each of us into a separate dressing room.
I stood alone in my dressing room and scrutinized my tux. Nice. I quickly put
the pants and shoes on. I held up the white collared shirt. Actually, this shirt
did look a little small. But the tag read
L. I
attempted to put it on. Oh no.
I got one arm in, but there was no way the other arm was going to get into the
other sleeve. I looked at myself in the mirror with horror. What the hell? Why
did I have a midget shirt? My shoulders and chest were far too broad for this
shirt.
I heard my brothers come out of the dressing room and compliment each other.
Dammit.
Why does stuff like this always happen to me?
“Zac? You ready?” Isaac called through the door. “Come out and let us see how it
looks.”
Gulping, I cracked open the door and eyed Ike. “Um, mine’s too tight.”
He laughed. “Well, let us see, it’s probably not that bad. You’re just
paranoid.”
“No, I really think this is probably too tight, Ike....” I swung open the door
nervously. He gaped at me with horror and Taylor guffawed.
“ZAC!!!” he squealed. “What the hell is wrong with your shirt?!”
Paula and the girl ran up and peeked at me around the door. Great. That’s right,
everyone come to look at the freak show. Paula gasped and the girl snickered.
“What size shirt is that?” Isaac demanded.
“It’s a large, Ike! That’s what I put down on the form!!!”
The girl pushed through the others and walked up to me. She reached around the
collar to see the size.
“You don’t believe me, Sarah?” I asked. “Look for yourself.”
“My name’s not Sarah,” she said airily. “It’s a large, alright. A large in
KIDS.”
“Kids?”
“Yes, Kids’ sizes.”
“This must be some sort of mistake.” Paula snatched the receipt from Isaac’s
hand. Then she sighed and handed him back the paper.
“There’s a mistake, alright, but not on our part or the company’s part. Your
brother here asked for a Kids’ large in that shirt.”
Isaac turned to me, his eyes shooting fire. “Zac, I swear, when we get out of
here, I am going to kill
you.... no, wait, perhaps that’s too kind. I am
going to--”
“What?!” I grabbed the paper from him and looked through it. Whoops. Guess maybe
I should have been paying more attention when I filled that out. I smiled at him
sheepishly. “Sorry, Ike.”
“Sorry? SORRY?! I have to be at the church in less than an
hour, Zac!
Sandy is going to go into conniptions!”
The girl who apparently wasn’t Sarah interrupted our argument. “OK, I have an
idea.”
Ike stopped his rampage. “I’m all ears.”
She pointed to Taylor. “You. You switch shirts with him.” She pointed to me.
Taylor looked insulted and prissily smoothed down the front of his tux. “No way.
Mine fits me good.”
She scowled at him. “Your vanity knows no limits, does it? Well, do you have a
better idea? We order these shirts individually so it’s not like we have extra
sizes lying around. Now you’re skinny, and you could probably fit into that
shirt, and Zac could probably fit into yours. Now it might not be comfortable,
but at least it would be ON.”
Taylor rolled his eyes and grumbled. “Alright, alright.” He marched back into
the dressing room to take it off.
I took off my shirt (well, peeled it off my arm) and threw it over the side to
Taylor. He threw his back to me a few minutes later. I put Taylor’s on. Well, it
fit... sort of. I was still having trouble getting it buttoned.
I cracked open the door. “Sarah,” I hissed.
She walked up. “My name is NOT Sarah!”
“Then why does your nametag say that?”
She glanced down and understanding dawned on her face. “Oh. I forgot my nametag,
and we’re supposed to wear one all the time or we’ll get in trouble, so I’m
wearing someone else’s. What do you need?”
“Well,” I said hesitantly. “I’m having some trouble with the buttons.”
She pushed open the door to walk in and I jumped back.
“Geez! You could have asked to come in first! What if I didn’t have any pants on
or something?”
Taylor snorted loudly from the room beside me. “Nice one, Zacky.”
Not-Sarah smiled at me sweetly. “Then that would be a sight to see, wouldn’t it?
Now what’s your problem?”
“I can’t get them buttoned,” I muttered.
She grabbed both sides of the shirt and jerked them closed and I gasped. Was
this what corsets felt like? She began buttoning the shirt. Each of the pearly
white buttons strained against the fabric as she went down the shirt.
“So, what’s your name?” I asked. I would really be enjoying this, actually, if I
could breathe. She was even cuter up close.
“Dana,” she murmured, concentrating as she reached a particularly stubborn
button.
“HAHA!! Oh like that song, you know, ‘Someone’s in the kitchen with Da-na,
someone’s in the kitchen I know-ow-ow-ow--’ ” Taylor shouted from the next room.
God, he was nosy.
“You dumbass,” I shouted back. “That’s ‘Someone’s in the kitchen with DINAH!’
Not Dana!!”
Dana grinned and me and laughed under her breath. “He’s not the brightest bulb
in the box, is he?” she whispered, her eyes shining with laughter.
“No,” I grinned back. “Not really.”
She had buttoned my shirt completely except for the top. The collar button just
wouldn’t do it without completely strangling me. She stepped back and studied me
for a moment, then opened the door and looked outside.
“Paula? Isn’t there something we can put on the collar to get it buttoned?”
“Collar extenders! Hold on I’ll be right back,” I heard Paula reply.
Dana turned back to me and gave me the thumbs up. “Well, you’re almost ready to
go.” She glanced at her watch. “And you’ve got 30 minutes. What time were you
supposed to be at the church? You know, to take pictures and stuff?”
“Uh, about a half an hour ago,” I remarked casually.
Suddenly a cell phone rang. Isaac’s cell phone.
“Oh NO,” he moaned.
“What? What?” We all shouted in unison, through the doors and walls of the
dressing room.
“It’s Sandy. I don’t want to answer it. I’m afraid. Someone else answer it!” he
wailed.
“Hell no!”
“I’m not going to answer it, Ike, it’s YOUR wife!”
“And I’m certainly not going to answer it, seeing how I just work here.”
Isaac cursed under his breath before he finally gave in. “Sandy? Oh, hey honey,
how are you? Oh- no, we’re not ready yet... I know, sweetie, we’re hurrying,
we’re on our way.... oh, no, no, don’t cry sweetie... I know, I’m sorry it’s
messing up your makeup, too, but just don’t cry, we’ll be there in a minute...
OK? Yeah, I love you. No, I love you more.
No, I
love you
more.” How disgusting. “Alrighty, buh-bye.”
He sighed loudly as he hung up. “Zac, while we are waiting on Paula to
return.... let me describe for you exactly
what is going to happen later.
I am going to take a rope, tie you to a tree, slather some syrup in your
precious hair and on your face, then drop a wasp’s nest down at your feet. THEN,
I’m going to-”
“OK guys I’m back!!! Come out so we can fix your collars,” Paula’s voice cut
through Isaac’s threats, much to my relief. Dana and I walked out of the
dressing room to meet the rest.
“HAHAHAHA!!! Taylor, you look STUPID!” I cackled. The shirt clung desperately to
his skinny frame and he glowered at me.
“Shut up, you don’t look so hot yourself,” he muttered. He twitched slightly.
“This thing itches.”
Dana took several of the extenders and adjusted the button on my collar until it
finally slipped closed. Then she took the bow tie and put it on.
“There,” she declared. “You can’t even see them. Put your coat on now.”
I obeyed, and glanced at myself in the mirror. Not bad, actually, all things
considered.
“OK, you’ll be alright, as long as you don’t cough, sneeze, or breathe too
hard,” she smirked at me. “Oh, and don’t bend over too much, either.”
I laughed. “OK, well, I’ll try to remember that.”
A few minutes later we were all dressed and ready to head out. The clock on the
wall read 20 til two. Paula herded us quietly out of the store.
“OK, guys, just calm down,” she said nervously. “Just think Isaac, by the end of
the day, you’ll be married, and on your honeymoon, and clothes won’t matter
then.”
“PAULA!” Dana exclaimed.
Paula blushed. “Sorry, I’m rambling. I think I’m as jittery as you all are.” She
shoved us toward the door. “Go, before you make yourselves even later. Oh, and
good luck guys.”
“Thanks,” we replied and started out the door. I turned around and waved at
Dana. She smiled, her pretty white teeth shining. She turned and walked back
towards the middle of the store.
We were out the door and heading to the car when I suddenly had an idea.
“Hey, I forgot something! I’ll be right back!” I lied, dashing away from my
brothers before they could stop me. I ran back into the store to find Dana. I
reached her, and her back was to me, so I quickly grabbed her hand and spun her
around. A surprised look befell her face.
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Um.... I was just wondering....”
“ZAC! Come on!!!” I heard my brothers yell in unison. So much for being
inconspicuous. I ignored them.
“Wouldyouliketogooutwithmetonight?” I said quickly, my words slurring together.
Her eyes scrunched up with a confused smile.
“What?” she laughed.
“Would you like to go out with me tonight?” I asked again, slowly this time. To
my relief, she nodded and smiled widely.
“I’d love to.”
I grinned goofily at her. “Great. Are you in the phonebook?”
She nodded. “Dana Blevins.”
“I’ll call you when I get home tonight,” I promised.
She looked at me coquettishly. “I’ll be waiting, Zachary.”
On impulse, I leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. She blushed furiously.
“ZACHARY WALKER HANSON! QUIT FLIRTING AND LET’S GO!!!!!” Taylor shouted,
silencing the dull chatter in the store. I smacked my forehead. Was he a
complete idiot? I slowly turned around, surveying the store. Everyone was
staring at us. Including the customers in the Juniors’ department.
“Hanson?!?!?” I heard a girl squeal. Oh no......
“Um, I think you should probably go,” Dana whispered in my ear. She gave me a
gentle shove. “RUN.”
So we did.
*****
Dana
I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face as I watched the brothers run frantically
out to the parking lot to avoid the growing crowd. Wow. I had a date tonight. A
hot
date. Suddenly the day didn’t seem so bad after
all.
“Well, well, well,” Paula said as I sauntered over to the counter. “I don’t
ever want to hear you bitch again about Steph calling in sick.”
I beamed at her, tapping my hands on the counter. “Hand me the phone,” I said.
“What for?”
“I’m gonna call Steph.”
“Call her? Why?”
“To thank her for being so horny this morning.” We grinned at each other and
cracked up. She handed me the phone and I dialed her number.
“Steph? Hey... thanks. For what? Your neverending libido... HAHA! Well, let me
tell you-- you will never believe what happened today...”