~ * ~

'You seem to understand . . .'

Excerpt from Rhiannon Mary Lougher's diary

'I am not lonely, am but simply a loner. My imagination is my companion, the only friend I need. I cannot comprehend why others need friends so desperately as to do what I have seen some do. It is my personal belief that if one cannot love oneself, and cannot cope with Life on one's own, then one cannot be loved by others. Those who hate themselves will end up only being hated in return. If one cannot live with oneself, one cannot live with others. Being alone can at times be hard, but learning to live by one's own will, without the need of others, is considered to be the greatest gift of all . . .'

~ * ~
July 2nd, 1998
Washington, DC
Nissan Pavilion

"I love you more than anything, than anything, I do. And I'd give anything and everything I have, just to be with you . . ." wasn't it the truth? The sad truth. Taylor sighed as he watched Isaac play from the side of the stage. Every time he heard this song, the irony hit him harder.
"These feelings I hold inside, are emotions that I cannot hide . . ." Ike had written this song, and Tay had to admit, grudgingly, that it was beautiful. It wasn't that he was jealous of his older brother - by God, no! - but he knew who that song had been written for! Damn the bitch! The Queen of Planet Bimbo! Ugh! He hated her so much! Why did Ike have to waste such a beautiful song on Tessa?
"These feelings will not subside, I'd give anything . . . anything . . ."

"Isn't it weird? Isn't it strange? Even though we're just two strangers, on this runaway train . . .' Sitting down, with the tiny lamp at just the right angle to shine straight onto the plastic keys, Taylor let himself relax slightly. He started to drift. Faces flew past his mind's eye . . . Elisabette . . . Carlton . . . Ike . . . Tessa - he flinched slightly and thrust that image away, only to have it replaced by a much more painful one.
"We're both trying to find, a place in the sun, though we've lived in the shadows, but doesn't everyone? . . ." They'd written 'Weird' in half an hour, just from talking about how nobody'd ever written a song around 'weird'. It seemed like a millennia ago. How could he have know that in less than a year, he'd be singing that song for another reason . . .

Extract from the Washington Post

You'd have thought they added a roller coaster at the Nissan Pavilion, so regularly and so fervently did Hanson fans scream and squeal last night. And that was in the two hours leading up to the show! Once the concert started, the screaming was virtually non-stop, goosed a bit with every close-up of 15-year-old lead singer and keyboard player Taylor Hanson and perhaps even more so with the close-ups of 12-year-old drummer Zac Hanson. Which is not to suggest that the old man in the group, 17-year-old guitarist Isaac Hanson, was in any way slighted. He just may be a little old for the crowd that showed up at Nissan.
The screaming, incidentally, lasted a good 20 minutes past Hanson's departure from the stage and, according to an usher, was louder than Metallica itself a few nights before. Whoever has the lozenge concession for Northern Virginia should see profits rise tomorrow.
The concert was one of a handful Hanson is doing this summer, and the band clearly didn't spend much on set design - the stage was surprisingly uncluttered, except for some faux oil derricks, apparently designed to reinforce the notion that the teen titans from Tulsa intended to deliver barrels and barrels of fun. Which they did, particularly when they focused on the jubilant power of pop songs like last summer's inescapable slice of ear candy 'MMMBop', the bouncy trio of 'Where's the Love', 'A Minute Without You' and 'Man From Milwaukee', or the earnest and inspirational sing-and-wave-along 'I Will Come for You', which wrapped notions of family, friendship, love and community under one insistent chorus.
There also were the tender ballads that benefited from the keening voices of Taylor (the whimsically inquisitive 'Weird' and the charming remembrance 'With You in Your Dreams', part of a brief acoustic set) and, on occasion, Isaac, whose solo keyboard showcase, 'More Than Anything', was a perfect expression of absolute romantic devotion in adolescence.
The brothers sounded best on tunes that drew on their natural ebullience, charm and, yes, innocence, whether the romantic fable 'Soldier' or the vivacious 'Stories', both from albums recorded three years ago, when Taylor was 12. His voice has changed much since those sessions, deepening enough that even his leads on 'MMMBop' sounded a bit different from last summer's hit version (not that anyone noticed last night, since all the fans were singing along as if their lives depended on it).
For some reason, the 90-minute concert began and ended with covers: Hanson kicked it off with the Spencer Davis Group's 'Gimme Some Lovin' and preceded 'MMMBop' with a spirited version of the Young Rascals' 'Good Lovin' (or was that the Little Rascals?). The show ended with their Who-ish interpretation of Eddie Cochran's classic 'Summertime Blues'. If nothing else, they disproved the song's key contention - that there ain't no cure for the summertime blues. How about Hanson? Aside from sore throats and shattered eardrums, there was nothing that ailed anyone by the time Hanson was finished.'
- By Richard Harrington

~ * ~
February, 1996
Tulsa, Oklahoma

Both Rhiannon and Taylor winced when they saw the anger on Mrs. Shephard's face as Arian told her what had happened the night before. Liz sat behind her two friends, using them as a shield. Rhee could feel her shaking.
"Just wait till your father hears about this Elisabette Shephard!" with that, Mrs. Shephard grabbed Liz's bag. "Come on girl. You're going home!" eyes downcast, Liz stood up and walked over to her furious mother. A tiny smile of encouragement from Rhiannon went unseen. As Mrs. Shephard opened the door, a girl with short white-blonde hair was walking up the driveway. White stiletto-heeled sandals, tan stockings; a white skirt with apricot flowers, so short she may as well have not worn it at all; an apricot tank top; a white cardigan - one button done up at the neck; and a long brown coat. Her face was impeccably made up in apricot tones with a hint of brown. She looked like she belonged on a New York catwalk, not in Tulsa!

Liz smiled politely at this person; she looked about 14, maybe 15. The girl didn't smile back.
'Oh well', Liz inwardly shrugged, 'She's probably a cow anyway' and her mind turned quickly to more important things, such as how she was going to explain to her parents what she was doing at the back of the Blue Rose at 11:30 at night!

Giggling still from the one too many shots of bourbon she'd drunk at a party that had ended only a few hours before, Tessa knocked on the Lougher's front door. Rhiannon opened it; her smile instantly dissolving into a scowl.
"What do you want?" the resentment was so heavy even Tessa couldn't mistake it.
"To see Carlton,"
"He's not available right now, can I take a message?" sarcasm this time.
"Who is it Rhee?" Carlton called from the kitchen. Instead of picking up Rhiannon's lie, Tessa just looked confused. The word 'Bimbo' flashed above her head in tacky blue neon.
"Tessa," grumbling still, Rhiannon let the girl in and then raced back to the kitchen. "You better not have stolen any money Taylor!" why was it, that when she was with Liz, or anyone else, she always took the back seat, rarely spoke, just went along with the flow. Yet whenever Taylor was there, she'd laugh and talk the hind-leg off a donkey. Why was it that she felt she could trust him? Was it because they were both dreamers? Was it because Tay knew what it was like to get lost in a fledgling idea, feeding it and helping it to grow and come to fruition? And why was it, that whenever he was over, for most of the time, all they did was play board games?
"That's what Monopoly's all about," and he gave her one of his irritatingly innocent smiles.
"Did he take anything Ice?" Rachael was sitting at the bench, eating Froot Loops, in her unicorn flannel PJ's.
"No,"
"Well, okay . . ." Rhee still had her suspicions. It was then that Tessa walked into the kitchen. Even Lew glared at her. It was 9:12am on a Saturday morning, and Tessa waltzes up looking like a catwalk queen when half the family is still in their pyjamas!
"Hi!" she said with a huge fake smile. Carlton was the only one who smiled back.
"Hey Tessa, what's up?"
"I missed you," so fake. So fake! The cow was such a liar!
"Sure you did," Tay muttered softly, so only Rhiannon would hear. She nodded. The Queen of Planet Bimbo trailed trouble just a bad as that extremely strong perfume she wore.
"Well that's alright then," he chuckled and grabbed her around the waist. She gave a little shriek that hurt Rhee's ears and giggled.
"Let me go Carlton!" those were her words, and yet her arms still snaked around Carlton's neck and her stockinged legs still twined around his. Rhiannon almost excused herself to go to the bathroom and spew. Seeing the glance that passed between Arian and Lew, Taylor wondered why they put up with her.
"So what have you been doing?" batting at an imaginary fly, Carlton settled a hand absently on Tessa's thigh. Another glance passed between Arian and Lew. One more move and that girl'd be outside. Openly flirting in front of the entire family, plus the two people who knew her secret.
"Probably playing tonsil-hockey with Isaac," everything went suddenly quiet.
"Taylor! Shut up you idiot!" Rhiannon hissed and whacked him upside the head. He hadn't even realised he'd spoken out loud. But it was too late.
"What?!" Carlton had gone deathly pale. So had Tessa. His hand tightened its grip on her leg; his knuckles turned white. With a tiny sense of malicious satisfaction, Rhee watched Tessa squirm; he was hurting her.
"I . . . I . . . um . . ." stuttering, Taylor didn't know what to say. Everybody was staring at him. He wanted to run. To get away from those eyes! Had to get away!! Had to ru- A reassuring hand came to rest on his shoulder. Rhiannon's grave eyes turned from him to her brother.
"It's true Carlton. I don't know how she managed to keep it up, but it's been going on for months,"
"No! It's a lie!" that came from a now rather panicked Tessa.
"Face it, you cow! You've been busted!" Rhee's dark eyes blazed with anger and hatred.
"I -" everyone's gaze came to rest on Tessa. She stood up, trying to face down the hard stares. She couldn't. The Lougher's didn't take well to betrayal.
"Is this true?" standing up too, Carlton asked her in a voice that was low and deadly calm.
"No! It's -"
"Don't lie to me!!" he shouted. Seeing the unavoidable confrontation, Arian quickly scooped up Rachael and handed her to Lew, who quickly left the room. It was better that they get everything out now than let it fester inside.
"Rhee, in your room, right now. You too Taylor,"
"But Mom -"
'I wanna see him bash the crap out of the cow!' Rhiannon wanted to say, but Arian cut her off.
"Don't argue! Just go,"

"Come near this house again and I'll personally slit your throat, you dumb-ass whore!!" the front door banged so hard Rhiannon jumped. Carlton was that angry? He'd just gotten rid of the Queen of Planet Bimbo, he should have been jumping for joy! Her older brother's thumping footsteps were headed straight for her room. She'd barely slid the bolt home when Carlton came up and pounded on the door.
"You're dead Hanson!!" he shouted, still bashing his fist against the wood.
"Leave him alone Carlton! It's not his fault Tessa's a slut! I could have told you that the second I laid eyes on her!!"
"Shut up Rhiannon! You don't know the first thing about her!!"
"I know she's a slut, and that's all I want to know! Don't tell me you're defending her?! She played both you and Ike for fools and you're defending her?!"
"You mention that back-stabbing bastard's name again and -"
"Hello?! Anyone at home Carlton? You're blaming Ike?! Are you sick or something?! It was Tessa who played the slut, Tessa who fooled the both of you, Tessa who kept it up all these months and you're blaming Ike?! God Carlton! Wake up Oklahoma!!" there was a long pause. A very long pause.
"Tell your precious brother to keep the hell away from me! Cause if he doesn't he's in deep shit!" Carlton's voice was low and filled with loathing, before he stomped to his room and slammed his door.

"Carlton, phone!" Rachael called from the kitchen. Moodily, Carlton trudged out of his room, down the corridor and picked up the extension in the study.

Carlton:	Hello?
Isaac:	Hey Carlton
Carlton:	Hey yourself
Isaac:	Huh?
Carlton:	(mocking) 'Huh' he says!
Isaac:	Um . . . yeah
Carlton:	Um . . . no
Isaac:	(confused) Are you okay Carlton?
Carlton:	Oh yeah! Just great! I find out my girlfriend's been going out with my supposed best friend for the last four months, yeah! I couldn't be happier!
Isaac:	Carlton, what the hell are you talking about?!
Carlton:	Does the word 'Tessa' ring any bells?
Isaac:	Yeah, so what?
Carlton:	Don't try and act dumber than you already are!
Isaac:	Look, I don't know what your problem is -
Carlton:	My problem?! My problem is that you've been going out with Tessa behind my back!!
Isaac:	Behind your back? What the hell do you mean 'behind your back'? You guys broke up!
Carlton:	So you admit it?!
Isaac:	Admit what?! I went out with Tessa, since when has that been a crime? You guys broke up months ago!
Carlton:	Try minutes ago!
Isaac:	What?
Carlton:	I suppose I've got your little brother to thank for that
Isaac:	What? What's Tay done?
Carlton:	Oh, he only 'accidentally' told me about the whole thing!
Isaac:	Tessa said you guys had broken up!
Carlton:	So that makes it alright does it?!
Isaac:	Why are you blaming me?! The slut lied to me!
Carlton:	Well, I'm not lying when I say if I ever see your face -
Isaac:	Don't threaten me Carlton!
Carlton:	Fuck you! You and your whore can rot in hell!!

CLICK! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Avie opened the door, Taylor walked past without even saying hello.
"What's wrong Taybear?" the little girl asked.
"Where's Ike?"
"Um . . . in your room I think,"
"Thanks Avie," and he headed straight for the kitchen.
"What's wrong with Taybear, Rhee'non?"
"Don't worry about it Avie," Rhiannon followed Taylor.
"Why does everyone 'nore me?!" Avery said to no-one in particular as she shut the door, then went to sulk in her room.

Sitting at the kitchen table, Rhiannon watched Taylor nervously sip on his Coke. How could he stand that stuff? It was absolute poison! You could power space shuttles with it! Every few seconds, Tay glanced at the door. What on earth was he worried about?
"Taylor, what's wr-?" footsteps coming down the stairs silenced her. A stricken look of panic raced across Taylor's face before he darted underneath the table."Taylor?!"
"Shut up! He might see me!" came the hissed reply.
"Who?"
"Ike!" Rhiannon stifled a giggle as Walker came into the room. He raised his eyebrows in question. She pointed underneath the table. Smiling, he lifted the table cloth.
"Taylor, what on earth are you doing under the table?" he asked with a huge smile on his face.
"Hiding from Ike," Walker burst out laughing.
"And why would you want to hide from Ike?"
"He might kill me,"
"What?" still chuckling, Walker let the table-cloth fall, then went to the kitchen door and yelled up the stairs, "Isaac! Taylor's wondering if you're going to kill him!"
"Dad!!" Tay shrieked.
"Right now, I probably will," there wasn't a hint of humour in Ike's voice as he shouted back down the stairs. The smile on Walker's face was immediately wiped away.
"Oh dear. You're on your own kid," was all he said, and then walked back in to the lounge-room, where Diana was doing the ironing and little Mackie was napping on the couch.
"Oh God! Rhiannon! Help me!" he was out from underneath the table, grabbing the back of her chair and trying to hide behind it.
"He can't possibly blame you for what happened Tay,"
"He can and he does and he's gonna kill me!"
"Calm down Taylor, you're starting to act like Zac!" that shut him up quick.
"I am not!" he sat down and tried to act as if nothing had happened.

The loud knocking on the door persisted.
"Ike could you get that please!" Diana called up the stairs, her hands full with ironing. That brought Isaac out of his hibernation, down the stairs to the door. Grumbling, he opened it.
"Ike!" his jaw dropped. Of all the - she wasn't - she wouldn't dare - she . . . There stood Tessa on his front doorstep! She couldn't possibly be that stupid - she - she . . .
"Well aren't you gonna let me in?" she asked. She got the door slammed in her face.
"You're dumped you two-timing bitch!!" he shouted through the door.
"Isaac! Language!" came the echoing shout from the lounge-room. Furious, he stomped back up to his room and slammed the door.

"I'm getting an odd sense of déjà vu here," Rhiannon said, staring across the kitchen table at Tay, who chuckled ironically.
"It's the first smart thing he's done since he met her!" and he went back to sipping the Coke.

~ * ~
July 2nd, 1998
Washington, DC

The TV's blare and Isaac's constant yapping on the phone did nothing to keep Taylor's consciousness out of his head. He and Rhiannon had managed to patch things up between their older brothers. Some of the things they'd done . . . he wasn't sure whether to laugh or cringe! But eventually, after a few weeks, and a few more annoying lectures from their younger siblings, Isaac and Carlton had managed to tolerate each other enough to stay on the phone and not shout abuse down the line and hang up. Of course, Taylor and Rhiannon had sat there too, making sure neither ends did just that. A few more ego-healing phone conversations and they'd declared friendship once more.
But things had never been the same. It'd started well enough. They'd at least been polite to each other whenever they met, which was usually dropping off and/or picking up their younger brother/sister from the other's house. But a phone call from the Queen of Planet Bimbo had ruined it all.
You would have thought the bitch had learnt her lesson. But she'd rung nonetheless. Taylor'd been having lunch at the time when Diana had picked up the ringing phone, coldly said,
"Hello Tessa," and called Isaac from the living room. Sitting there, trying to stop from chuckling as he ate, Taylor had joyfully anticipated the tongue-lashing the bitch was about to get.
Overhearing the conversation, if somebody had come and pushed him with a feather, he would have fallen off the chair!
'No!' he'd thought vehemently, 'No way!!', but it had happened.
The bitch must have put a spell on Ike or something, because he'd agreed to 'give her another chance'. His words exactly! How could he?!
Rhiannon had almost died when he'd told her. She couldn't believe Ike'd be that stupid; and she'd been the one who'd had to tell Carlton, before his friends did. The guy'd apparently exploded. Carlton and Ike'd never spoken to each other after that, no matter how hard Rhee and himself had tried. Older brothers were just too stubborn.
Strangely, things between himself and Rhiannon changed too. Not a great deal, in fact, it was so subtle and minute, he was surprised he'd noticed at all. But there was a tiny distance between them. A paper-thin crack that had come through the paint-work. It had rarely shown its head, but he always knew it was there. Maybe if he'd kept his mouth shut, none of it wou-
All this over the Queen of Planet Bimbo.
Sighing Taylor forced his attention back on the TV. He wouldn't remember, he refused to remember. The memories hurt too much.

"Isaac, I don't mean for you to take this the wrong way, but I'm trying to watch TV and chatting to -" he gulped, "Tessa - in my ear isn't exactly helping. And since that is a cordless phone -" Taylor forced himself to be polite, since he was so annoyed.
"Sure Tay," Ike waved him off, not hearing a word.

"Ike, could you kinda go talk in your room? I can't hear a word they're saying!"
"Why would you want to?" one half-hearted glance at the TV and Ike returned to his conversation with the Queen of Planet Bimbo. Mumbling empty threats, Tay returned to the TV.

"Look Ike, would you please go somewhere else and talk?!" really irritated, Taylor's voice was blunt and cut like glass.
"Yeah whatever," once more, Ike went back to talking. Sick of the whole thing, Tay grabbed the phone, shouted,
"He'll call you back!" and slammed it into the receiver.
Gaping, Isaac stared as Taylor sat back, arms crossed sulkily, grumbling about being able to concentrate now or something. Concentrate? Taylor? Taylor couldn't concentrate to save his life lately! He drifted in his own little fantasy world. These days, if Taylor was totally in reality and not his head, you counted yourself lucky to have seen it. The guy was always lost in his thoughts. Not today it seemed though.
"What the hell did you do that for?"
"I asked you to move," like that explained everything!
"Do you know how long it takes to get through to Tulsa?!"
"Why don't you just memorise the number?" cynicism at its most powerful setting. What could he say to that? Why did he always forget all the stupid numbers? His brain was telling him something he didn't want to hear.
"Of course you had to talk to - her -" Tay spat the word out as if it were a disease, "Here while I'm trying to watch TV. Of course you couldn't do it the other 99% of the time Zac's got his arse parked here! Of course you couldn't take a cordless phone into your room! God! You call - her - every day! Of course, going one day without would absolutely kill you! How about you call someone else and see what kind of torture it is?!"
"Oh yeah Tay! Anything you want! Give me a name, I'll ring them up in the middle of the night just because my little brother told me to!" the sarcasm in his voice was sharp as a razor, "C'mon Tay, who should I ring?"
"Carlton," he answered without thinking. Isaac looked at him like he was crazy.
"Sure Taylor! And what would he say? 'Hi, how's my ex-friend doing? How's my ex-girlfriend? I hope everything's all right between you two. How's your little brother? The one that was my dead sister's best friend? I hope he's getting better even though I hate his guts and wish he did go insane!' Yeah, I'll call Carlton!" Ouch! That hurt! Taylor had forgotten that Ike could sting like a scorpion if he wanted to; and Tay stung back the only way he knew how.
"You'd still be friends if weren't for that bitch! The Queen of Planet Bimbo strikes again!!" for a second, Ike looked like he wanted to kill someone, namely the one sitting next to him on the couch. Instead, he just gave his brother a scornful, withering look, grabbed the phone and stood up.
"Excuse me your Imperial Highness, I hate to have disturbed your precious time watching the wrestling," and the door slammed behind him.
"Don't bag the WWF!!" Tay shouted at the closed door. Still furious, Tay knew there was no way he'd be able to watch TV now. He was too worked up,
"Damn you bitch!" he seethed under his breath and walked to his own room, slamming the door just as hard.
Zac opened his door a crack . . . then a little more . . . then flung it wide open and let out an evil cackle as he pounced on the remote and flicked through the channels until he found what he was looking for. He was in hysterics in ten seconds flat.

"Dammit!" Isaac shouted at the phone. God, at this rate it was going to take him hours to get back through to Tulsa!

"Dammit!" Taylor shouted at his laptop, and slammed it shut. God, he was so angry not even proclaiming his hatred for Tessa on his computer was going to work!

"Dammit!" Zac shouted as the reception went all screwy again. God, how was he supposed to know when they put Kenny through the mincing machine if the TV was stuffed?!

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