epilogue

Extract from 'A Night Without Armor' by Jewel Kilcher

Collect
Beads
of
Night
/ Collect beads of night / Fill your / skin with the dark weight of the / wet sky. Let boldness live in your heart / and I will recognise you / amongst the many / and claim you / as my own //
Steady
Yourself
/ Steady yourself, love, / steady yourself / for victory is near / Shut out the world / with its tyranny / of noise / none of this matters now / Draw strength from / the vision the deepest / folds of your soul / so longs for / For it is a song we all sing / Steady yourself, love, / upon my gaze / in this corridor / & waver not in the face / of the battle cry // We will not be beaten! / Lose not your faith now / for I need it to strengthen my own / and should your steps / falter, mine would / grow lonely in this / world of coal and roses // . . . //

~ * ~
January, 1999
Sydney, Australia
The Domain

"And we'd like to dedicate this song to our late gra-"
"To absent friends," Taylor interrupted. Both Isaac and Zac stared at him. Since when had 'With You In Your Dreams' been dedicated to anyone else but their grandmother?
Knowing exactly what kind of look his brothers were throwing his way, Tay deliberately ignored them. Silently counting himself in, he started playing the introduction.

'Well if I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry, and if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye . . .'

Smiling, Elisabette watched from the wings of the stage.

'Don't look back at this time as a time of heart-break and distress, remember me, remember me, 'cause I'll be with you in your dreams . . .'

Taylor had told her just before going onstage what he planned to do. It was the first time since his December incarceration that Hanson'd played 'With You In Your Dreams'.

'But if I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry, and if I'm gone when you wake up, don't ask why . . .'

He'd wanted to dedicate it to Rhiannon, which was completely understandable. But screaming teenage fans weren't renowned for their generous understanding. How to dedicate the song to Rhee without actually mentioning her name had proved to be a tough one.

'Don't look back at this time as a time of heart-break and distress, remember me, remember me, 'cause I'll be with you in your dreams . . .'

The only way they'd figured to get around it was the highly exploited 'absent friends'. As cliché as it was, it was all they could think of.

'So don't cry, I'm with you, don't sigh, I'm by your side, don't cry, I'm with you, don't sigh, I'm by your side . . .'

Of course he hadn't told Ike and Zac about it, they would have protested till they were blue in the face.

'And though my flesh is gone, I'll still be with you at all times, and though my body's gone, I'll be there to comfort you at all times . . .'

They had every right to. After all, Rhiannon hadn't dominated either of their lives for these two years past.

'But if I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry, and if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not goodbye . . .'

Glancing out at the myriad of fans crowding the Domain park, she had to wonder why on earth they screamed while the guys were playing. If you screamed, you couldn't hear anything, and if you couldn't hear anything, what was the point of coming at all?

'Don't look back at this time as a time of heart-break and distress, remember me, remember me, 'cause I'll be with you in your dreams . . .'

But just as screaming teenage fans weren't renowned for their understanding, nor were they known for listening to the voice of reason.

'Don't cry, I'm with you, don't sigh, I'm by your side, don't cry, I'm with you, don't sigh, I'm by your side . . .'

She sighed and tried to hear over the shrieks.

'I don't want you cry and weep, I want you to go on living your life, I'm not sleeping an endless sleep, 'cause in your heart you'll have all of the good times . . .'

This was her Christmas present from the entire Hanson family; being able to come with them to Australia.

'But if I'm gone when you wake up, please don't cry, and if I'm gone when you wake up, it's not good-bye . . .'

It was probably the most beautiful place she'd ever seen.

'Don't look back at this time as a time of heart-break and distress, remember me, remember me, 'cause I'll be with you in your dreams . . .'

She smiled. None of them were going to forget it in a hurry.

'Cause I'll be with you in your, dreams . . .'

Holding the last note as long as he could, Taylor glanced up. The sun was setting behind the skyscrapers, turning the skyline into a silhouette on the orange and pink twilight sky. It was beautiful.
'That one was for you Rhee'

This hotel was really nice. It was smaller than a lot of others, kinda more personal. It was in a surprisingly quiet suburb just outside the inner city, with a beach across the road. All the staff were really friendly, especially the girl who'd shown them all to their rooms. She'd showered them with useful info; the fastest ways into the city, when and when not to use the freeways, rip-off tourist traps, which suburbs to avoid, interesting places to visit off the usual tracks, what was going on in the city; for every question she had an answer.
"That's what they pay me for" she'd said with a warm smile.
Lying on the bed, the ceiling fan on the highest setting, Taylor tried to concentrate on the TV. The night was hot and humid; he felt like he was about to melt!
'It's not supposed to be this hot. It's January for God's sake!'
They'd come straight from freezing winds and two foot of snow on the ground, to 110% humidity and temperatures so hot the roads were liquidising!
He'd have one hell of a time trying to get to sleep tonight!
The movie on the TV was blaring, but Tay didn't hear it. He had the verse stuck in his head. 'Close your eyes, but don't sleep . . .' It'd been running in the back of his mind all day. 'Close your eyes, but don't dream . . .' Why he had no idea. 'Simply close your eyes, and you will see my world. . . .' Rhee had been occupying his thoughts a bit lately. 'My world; the colours of darkness, and the sounds of silence . . .' But those thoughts brought none of the pain he'd associated them with for so long. 'For in every essence, it is my world . . .' They'd made him smile. 'It is a beautiful place; a green valley, covered with daisies and blue-bells . . .' Like that time at Christmas, when they'd had to share the couch. 'A crystal clear stream cuts through it like a snake over the desert dunes . . .' And at Rachael's school; how long had they sat there talking? 'The sky is always blue, the sun is always warm, the breeze is always cool . . .' And that festival in Oklahoma City, the pie-throwing contest! 'The birds chirp their songs to me, and the wind plays its tune across the reeds . . .' He was smiling. 'The soft sand in the bottom of the stream is like silk between my toes, and the water is a blanket of sweet purity, washing away the stains of reality . . .' So many memories. 'This is my world . . .' But none would ever take the place of the ethereal angel. 'It is a peaceful place; a realm of contented happiness . . .' So beautiful; she was in Heaven now, lost to him 'There is no sound of war-drums, no gunfire, no screams . . .' No, she'd said she wasn't! 'Of sadness and misery there is not a trace . . .' She'd said 'close your eyes, but don't dream, and you will see my world'. 'The mountains are alive; their heart-beat becomes my own whenever I return . . .' But that was impossible; wasn't it? 'The worn deer-trails are always walked, if not by myself, then by the animals . . .' Might as well try. 'The creatures live in harmony here; they do not fight, there is no need . . .' The worst that could happen was nothing. 'Nothing can disturb the peace and harmony of this world . . .' He closed his eyes. 'My world . . .'

He was there.

The sight near took his breath away. It was her world, there was no doubt. The mountain valley was carpeted in green, dotted with tiny white daisies and delicate little blue-bells. Before him, a young fawn - standing on pencil-thin legs - frolicked in the long grass, while her indulgent mother alternately watched her offspring and drank from the crystal blue stream.
Cautious, he approached the fawn; slowly, so as not to scare her away. Her infant curiosity piqued, the fawn bounded over to him and gently butted his shoulder. The gentle brown eyes seemed to speak to him.
'Tag, you're it!'
Smiling at her playfulness, Taylor slowly reached out a hand, and gently petted her tawny coat. A sense of inner-peace blossomed in his heart.

Stretched out beside the stream, Tay watched a pair of nightingales chase each other through the air, diving and swooping, all the while singing in perfect harmony, accompanied by the melody of the wind. The warm sun was relaxing. Now here was the place to spend eternity!
Only one thing missing. Where was Rhee?

Something - he didn't know whether it was instinct or psychic connection or just a lucky guess - led him up into the mountains surrounding this beautiful valley. The deer trails were teeming with life. So many animals used these trails. And none of them were afraid of him. He wondered if they could sense that he wouldn't hurt them.
Coming out of the thick forest, above the tree-line, he spotted her.
Near the top of the mountain, less than 300 metres from where he stood, she knelt on a protruding ledge, gazing up at the sky. About to climb up to her, a soft voice in his head stopped him.
'Don't come any further Tay,'
"Rhee?"
'You cannot come to me,'
"Wha- huh?"
'I must come to you,'
"Why?"
'Because it is my world,'
"Well, come down then,"
'I cannot,'
"How come?" confusion played across his face.
'While you still carry part of me, I cannot come to you,'
"Rhiannon, you're not making any sense at all! You're confusing me," she just chuckled
'If I tried to explain any further, you'd just become more so,'
"I . . . uh -"
'Just remove that which binds me to your world . . .'

He involuntarily opened his eyes.

What the hell had she meant, 'just remove that which binds me to your world'? What could possibly bind her to the earth?
Her body had been buried in the Tulsa cemetery these last two years, there wouldn't be anything left of that to destroy. All her things had been given to the Salvation Army. Her room had been cleaned out, all that was left was the painted walls. There were photos, but how could they bind her to earth? They had nothing of her in them, they were just pictures. 'That which bound her' to earth? There was nothing that did; all her things had been thrown or given away!
Stumped, he rolled over, resolving to think about it more in the morning. Lazily, his arm hung over the side of the bed. His fingers brushed against something on the floor. What the -?! Bored, he picked it up and switched on the bed-side lamp to see better.
A slow smile graced his lips.
He knew exactly what to do.

Quickly throwing on a shirt, jeans and a jacket, he sneaked out of his room and downstairs to the lobby. He froze when he saw the girl at the front-desk, who just chuckled and winked.
"Go on, I won't tell," smiling a thank-you, Tay hastily walked out the door.

The dry sand on the concrete steps leading down to the shore crunched underneath his step. The waves crashed in a steady rhythm, unabashedly making love to the beach; constant but ever-changing partners engaged in a timeless dance of courtship. Pelicans swam in the calmer waters of the public swimming pool, fed by the sea; their bills drooping, so they no longer had to gape at the boldness of the ocean and the shore. The odd sea-gull flew overhead, wandering the winds for its lost mate; and enjoying the show, as if it were a nature film.
Taylor sat back on his heels, for a second enjoying the smell of the sea on the air. The sand was cold on his bare-feet, and the ocean breeze was pleasantly cool. He pulled the forest-covered book from his jacket, staring at it.
'Do you still remember, how we used to be? . . .'
Rhiannon's diary.
'Both of us were dreamers . . .'
Her whole life.
'Promises made, every memory saved has reflections in my mind . . .'
What else could bind her to the earth more than her diary? Held inside the forest cover was not only a portrait of her life, but also of herself. She'd poured her soul into this book. And now that it had served its last purpose, it became nothing more than an iron shackle.
Sighing, he set the book aside, and dug a shallow hole in the cold sand.
'Back where I belong now . . .'
And lay Rhiannon's diary in it.
'Was it just a dream? . . .'
Taking the match book with the hotel insignia from his pocket, he broke out a single one.
'Feelings unfold . . .'
And lit it.
'They will never be sold . . .'
And set it against the forest-covered book.
'And the secret's safe with me . . .'
Watching the pages curl and blacken from the flames, Tay couldn't help a tiny feeling of sadness. All that was left of his best friend in this world was burning before his eyes. But now Rhiannon was free. And so was he.
'Viva forever . . .'
The smoke swirled on the breeze, obscuring the light of the stars.
'I'll be waiting . . .'

He was healed.

* * * *

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