No Lies

29th April, 2000

/ if you ever doubt, listen to the sound /
no lies, this is my last goodbye /
I should be writing the next chapter to my latest venture into hanfic, the one I promised myself I'd finish come the end of the Australian autumn school holidays. The one I had planned out perfectly, write a chapter every day and finish with a weekend to check over school-work and pray nothing major needed to be done. But a chapter a day didn't exactly pan out. Since when does it take a whole day to write six pages? It's the ideas that are hard to come up with, and when they drag you kicking and screaming to the computer screen, or your notepad, or your typewriter, or your whatever, writing should be the easiest part of the whole process, the most fun because you can play around with your first love, words.

Usually that's how it is at first, at least it was that way for me. I love to write, and I still do, so somebody tell me where this resentment came from? When did an absolute loathing of having to sit down at that rotten computer and punch out another six pages of what I later read over and think is a load of junk filter into the joy and freedom that writing used to bring? And still does when it's unrestrained. Where did it come from, and what's it trying to tell me?

I usually don't write without a reason, or something to spark me off on a little tirade. In this case it was pretty much exactly the same thing that sparked my last editorial, 'People Who Know Me Well. . . .' (8th Oct. 99), the retirement of a hanfic author. This time it's Nick, author of 'Zac Says Tay Still Wets The Bed' – which won Best Story in the 1998 Hanfic Awards – and its sequels, 'I Ain't No Angel' and 'My Little Blond Friend', which will remain unfinished. Already I've been getting emails from friends of mine who received the eloquent farewell, begging me to help them convince him to reconsider.

My question. Why?

I've never talked to Nick, and I doubt he even knows my name, but whilst I don't know the exact details of why he's decided to retire, as a writer who's considered doing the same, I do understand. In his farewell, Nick said that part of being a good author is knowing when to put the pen down. I completely agree. Why should anyone feel forced to continue writing a story that is giving them a lot of headaches, no pleasure, and I think overshadowing it all, a sense of guilt. I've experienced it many times, and I'm guessing that Nick has felt it as well, along with a host of other hanfic authors who like to take their time updating. It's their prerogative isn't it? But why do we all feel so guilty when we're aware that people are sitting there, checking our sites every day, hungrily waiting for updates? Because we feel that by making our readers wait, we've let them down.

I've been of the opinion for a while now that hanfic is beginning to slow down, to stagnate. The stories that we've loved for the past three years are still the stories we're trying to outwrite. Even the authors of those stories themselves are finding it hard to top their previous work. I'm not sure about any other writers, but I can say for myself, when I'm working my right hand into cramps trying to finish a new story, and then I get an email saying 'I love CYEBDS (Close Your Eyes, But Don't Sleep', my first story) etc etc', I find myself feeling strangely discouraged. CYEBDS is over a year old, I've written a lot since then, I'm constantly trying to come up with new material, yet no-one's reading it. And even while I'm writing this, I'm wondering why (Why is nobody reading it? Why am I complaining at all? What right do I have to complain when my hanfic counter has clocked over 45,000 hits? Lauryn you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Ashamed of feeling bad because no-one's reading what I've just worked so hard to write?).
So many published authors' reputations come from their first novels, and their later work never fares as well, because it's under pressure to be as good as the first one. Does this scenario sound familiar?

The second-story pressure for a hanfic author can easily be compared to the second-album pressure that Hanson themselves have come under. Laura discusses what I think a lot of us have been feeling with the TTA hype lately in 'On The Brink' (which can be found on her site, 'Bright And Beautiful'); as fans, part of each of us wants this album to sell by the truckload and more than earn the right to be called a 'smash hit' and prove to all the people who've dissed Hanson over the past three years (*cough* Carson Daly *cough, cough*) that they're not just another boy band who'll be forgotten within the year. In essence, part of us wants 'Middle Of Nowhere' part 2. As Laura points out, and I, having listened to the album almost non-stop for the past two weeks ('This Time Around' was released in Australia on 17th April), can comfortably agree with, it's not going to happen because 'This Time Around' is not 'Middle Of Nowhere'. Musically, it's better than MON, but in terms of sales I doubt it'll appeal to as wide an audience as mainstream ("rhythm-")pop. And the other part of each of us is glad that the fanbase won't be so overwhelming, maybe now when we go to a concert, we won't get elbowed in the side or screamed at in the ear or irritated by someone's 'I LUV U TAY' sign held right in our line of vision. And between all the mad debating by the aforementioned parts, we – or at least, I – am generally disappointed with the muted reaction. Maybe it's just a throwback to the 'MMMBop' days, but the disappointment is still there. The perfect example is their recent visit to Australia. How can 4,000 (or in some reports 6,000) fans in Brisbane, March 2000 showing up for a 45 minute performance compare with 20,000 (according to Ike, it was more like 25,000) fans in Melbourne, July 1997 showing up for a fifteen minute set? Can anybody imagine strolling up ten minutes before Hanson were due to arrive at a radio station in 1997, expecting to be able to see them? This time, ten minutes was more than enough time to get a spot in the 'front' row (there was only one row), with a perfect view. Bluntly, the hype of 'MMMBop' is dead, as we all know, and with the way 'If Only's been performing on the Australian chart (put politely, not very well), I doubt we'll be seeing it again any time soon. The enthusiasm's gone, Hanson are old news. Even with the new sound, they're still old news. Can we say the same thing of hanfic?

'Tulsa 74132' was the first one I know of to suffer. It didn't lack for readers, which is usually the first reason an author throws in the towel. What I believe happened was that the authors lost interest. That's said completely without malice, because it happens, more often than you'd think. One doesn't mean for it, or even want it to happen, but it does and there's really nothing you can do about it. It's not the writing that's a drag, it's the stories themselves. You start them firing to go, and then you gradually lose interest as new ideas come along, little children, each demanding attention. That's the advantage that published authors have over internet authors. If they start a story, then lose interest, it can just be filed away and they can start afresh with no regrets. But that doesn't happen online, because most authors post as they write. The second the prologue goes up and someone reads it, a writer feels they have a responsibility to finish it. And if you lose interest halfway through, you've got a tonne of emotional baggage with you that can't be offloaded with the epilogue. If you don't finish a story you've started, you're going to leave readers disappointed, and you'll feel horrible. It's called guilt and regret.
I envy Nick for his courage.

I can't help wondering why so many hanfic readers encourage their favourite authors to get something published, and then are up in arms when that author announces they're retiring from hanfic to pursue avenues in general prose fiction, which they actually have a chance of getting published. The authors of 'Tulsa 74132' gave it up to step up the ladder of fiction writers, from writing fanfic fantasies to writing fiction with the intention of getting it published. Unfortunately, you can't publish hanfic for obvious moral, ethical and especially legal reasons. Hanfic and fanfic in general are a great starting point for potential authors, because it lets them sharpen their skills with characters all perfectly baked, fresh from the oven and ready to use. Let's face it, one day every hanfic author, even the famous Llama, will have to give up hanfic to pursue other, more potentially viable avenues of writing. It's the way of life. A shark has to keep moving in water or it can't breathe, a sparrow can't stop flying in mid-air, and an author can't keep writing hanfic forever.

The story I'm supposed to be writing a chapter of right now is called 'To The World, You May Be One Person', and it's about dealing with the loss of a security blanket, the kind of thing that you can't imagine life without. In this case, it's Hanson. I think it's something we all need to consider. Hanfic is only an offshoot, spawned by fans, from a band made up of three brothers from Oklahoma, who filled a space, no matter how small, in all our lives. They're not going to be around forever. That's something we all should remember, when hanfic authors decide it's time to trade in their characterisations of Isaac, Taylor and Zac for a new set of names to weave personalities around. Because that's what authors do. When you break it down to the bare element, authors do exactly the same thing as artists, actors, dancers, musicians, mothers, almost everyone. They create. And that's what it all boils down to.

You don't know me Nick, and I only know you through your writing, but from one author to another, I want you to know we appreciate the hard work you've put into creating your stories and sharing them with us; good luck with your future creations. And most important of all,

Thank you.

/ door closes, another one opens /
I feel the cold wind blowing over me /
long gone, but not forgotten /
I might be lost / I might be finally free /


(musical credit – 'Last Goodbye', Kenny Wayne Shepherd Band)

RESPONSES

#1
"You couldn't possibly be reading my mind, and yet . . . I read the editorial just now, after finding an old link to Diana Liberty's page. I still think her 'Spam Bomb' story was, if not the funniest, right up there in the top three. And so I cried buckets when her site disappeared. So I was conducting a search under her name on Google, and your editorial came up. It was bizarre how exactly your opinions mirrored mine. And I personally understand how a hanfic author feels, dropping a story. I haven't yet, but it's getting to that point. Very, very soon. I've tried, really I have. Not that I have any readers. But it's the principle of the thing.
Anyway.
And then I flicked to the bottom of the page, where you referred to Hanson as a security blanket. I recently (okay, in September) went to the Boston concert. While I was there, I had this horrible epiphany: They're just people. Talented people, but still, just people. They're part of my memories, something I appreciate and cherish, but it just isn't the same. There's no sense of wonder, nothing but a little thrill at seeing them on TV. It was terrible. And I still haven't recovered. I've been writing hanfic since I first heard 'MMMBop' (yeah, you guessed it: May of '97), and am utterly discouraged. My writing has gone from good-to-stunning to questionable-to-bad. And I realized that this is why. So, I guess the reason I'm sending you this email (tome) about this (the story of my life) is because it's nice to have someone who understands.

yours, Serene


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