Between the Salt Water and the Sea Strand

3rd November, 2002

I hear the drizle of rain
like a memory it falls
soft and warm, continuing
tapping on my roof and walls
Maybe it's just been the week my family's had – a car broken into, a workmate dying, a best-friend with a broken toe, being lied to, and pushed to a confrontation. Then the apparent fact that Jordan Ezra has opened his eyes to a world that won't treat him kindly.
I realised I just can't do this anymore.

and the song I was writing is left undone
I don't know why I spend my time
writing songs I can't believe
with words that tear and strain to rhyme
These characters I've used for the last four and a half years aren't characters at all. One would think in four and half years that fact would have dawned on me, but it never really hit home until our beloved Middle Hanson signed his life away on 8th June. The guys aren't characters to throw into whatever situation my warped imagination can come up with; they're real, with their own joys and sorrows, and what right do I have to write about them when I've never even seen them in the flesh? I've been debating ethics back and forth all week, that had nothing to do with something as trivial as writing fan fiction, but this is partly a result of the decision I've come to.

and so you see I have come to doubt
all that I once held as true
I stand alone without belief
I can't live my life for someone else. I have to be true to myself and what my reactions and emotions are telling me. Why do I feel an instant rage whenever I hear someone's name? Why can't I confront the lies I'm being told? Why do I always feel drained and tired? Why am I so unhappy?
An aspect of this has been discussed over and over in my writing classes during the past year; all of us are feeling the pinch. Writing was our escape, our way out when things in the real world got too complicated. Now, it's become another assignment to hand in, another chore that has to be done before dinner. I don't just need a break, I need to start afresh.

as I watch the drops of rain
weave their weary paths...
I know that I am like the rain
So I guess this is my long-winded farewell to the world of hanfic. I have four months to learn Japanese; to read Plato and listen to Cat Stevens in the garden I'm planting; to follow recipes in the kitchen, visit my friends and pray for rain.
I want to enjoy every second.

there but for the grace of you go I
Thank you to everyone who's been with me and my work for any length of time; I love all of you. Anyone who wants to keep following, Phonetic and The Moffson Tapes are still being continued. Anyone who wants to hope, I might turn up in the Yu Yu Hakusho circles one day.

Diolch yn fawr,

– Lauryn Beaufort


I listen to the wind, to the wind of my soul
where I'll end up, well I think only God really knows
I've sat upon the setting sun...
I've never wanted water once

I let my music take me where my heart wants to go


(musical credit – 'Kathy's Song' by Simon & Garfunkel, 'The Wind' by Cat Stevens)

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