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CANCER
Soon Mercury and Jupiter are due to make a simultaeneous arrival in your sign. Mercury's visit will last no longer than the end of July. Jupiter's, by contrast will last a year. You are about to encounter a prolonged, positive cosmic climate, the likes of which you have not experienced since 1987. Remember how, back then, things really started changing; how your eyes began to open wider and your desire to explore new horizons grew? There will be no repetition of old dramas, but there will be more growth, discovery and magic, and, to set this amazing phase off to a fine start, a deeply liberating, highly inspiring experience comes later this week.

STARRING!

Tanaka Niisan	(m)   aka Nini
Tanaka Nęsan	(f)     aka Nene
Tanaka Kaasan	(f)
Tanaka Tousan	(m)

"Nęsan! I don't like reading!"
"Quit your yapping Niisan! Don't think, just read,"
"How can I read without thinking? I have to think about the words and remember what they mean! So neh!"
Pause. A growing smile.
"Yes that's true,"
"Cow!"
"Brain donor!"
"Bitch!"
"Intellectual amoeba!"
"Amoe–? Smart arse!"
"What a come back –!"
"CHILDREN!!"

Niisan / Nęsan:

"Sorry Kaasan!"

A look. A mutual chuckle.
"Does Kaasan even realise it's a joke?"
"Nene, it's Kaasan!"
"Too true,"
"Hey, I dunno when it's just joking sometimes!"
"You wouldn't Nini-chan, you're a Cancer,"

THE SUN IN CANCER
You moon-ruled crabs are nurturers, always willing to offer an understanding ear. When it comes to defending yourself, you favour a quick nip in the form of a well-placed word. Then you duck into your shell of pretended indifference. The most dynamic of the Water signs, you act on a combination of feelings and shrewdness to secure yourself a safe cosy niche – a haven! Once there, you lavish your special people, and the special objects you collect, with abundant love.

"What's a Cancer meant to be?"
"A malignant growth?"
"NĘSAN!!"

*
The story of Tanaka Nęsan and Niisan begins in a small miner's cottage with a BHP steel roof (hell when it rained) and a huge backyard to run sheep and two annoying brats– uh, darling angels, in perfect contentment. Tanaka Kaasan and Tousan certainly thought so. When Nęsan had arrived all snuggled in her pretty pink blanket, the smell of talcum powder and the stork still wafting from her skin, Kaasan and Tousan had thought their house would be a much happier place. They hadn't banked on being landed with a little sadist.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Thank-you, Nęsan.
"You're welcome," smile, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
Kaasan and Tousan would sit for hours with little Nęsan, trying to think of a way to make her stop crying.

Tousan:	"Please Nęsan, please stop crying,"
Kaasan:	"If you don't stop crying Nęsan, I'll have to take away your teddy bear,"
Tousan:	"Please Nęsan. . . ."
Kaasan:	"Then I'll have to take away your blanket,"
Tousan:	"Nęsan, angel. . . ."
Kaasan:	"She's not an angel, she's a little sadist!"

Pause.

Tousan:	"Little Sadist, if you don't stop crying –"
Kaasan:	*sniffle* "Then Kaasan and Tousan will start crying too,"
Nęsan:	WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Kaasan/ Tousan:	WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Now Kaasan and Tousan put up with Nęsan's little sadist ways for a surprisingly long time. Most Kaasans and Tousans can only put up with the sleepless nights and stinking nappies for two or maybe two and a half years; Kaasan and Tousan lasted or five before they decided Nęsan's sadism was too much to bear on their own. Whilst the girl was long past nappies and fitful nights, she found other ways to torture her parents, because indeed, she thought of them as hers. At night, Kaasan told her to dream of sugar plum fairies; Nęsan would close her eyes and dream of more horrors to inflict (and then wake up at 2am and cry for a drink because she didn't want to leave her nice, warm bed). As far as Nęsan was concerned, her life was perfect.
Before Kaasan and Tousan consulted with one another, and decided how to deflect their daughter's unbearable (yet somehow adorable) sadism.

Kaasan:	"Nęsan,"
Nęsan:	"Yes Kaasan?"
Tousan:	"Come sit down Nęsan,"

And without a thought Nęsan sat down, expecting once more to be told that it really wasn't nice to pretend to wash their very dirty puppy in the laundry basket (with Kaasan't very clean laundry still in it) or put the 'magic potions' she made in half-full milk cartons.
Kaasan and Tousan watched Nęsan, but they didn't sit down. They had the advantage of height, and avoided the risk of springing any surprises their daughter might have planted on the other couch.

Kaasan:	"Now Nęsan –"
Nęsan:	"I didn't unplug the telephones!"
Tousan:	"No Nęsan, that's not –"
Nęsan:	"I didn't put any frogs in your bed!"
Kaasan:	"Nęsan, honey –"
Nęsan:	"But they like your bed more than mine! And if I didn't put them there they'd get lost!"

Kaasan and Tousan blanched.

Kaasan:	"You didn't try and make any frogs pretty with my lipstick again did you Nęsan?"
Nęsan:	"No Kaasan,"

She'd rendered her impression of the Blue Poles with Kaasan's lipstick instead. And so both her parents could always gaze upon her genius, she'd drawn it on the carpet.

Tousan:

"Now Nęsan, Kaasan and I have something to tell you,"

And Nęsan didn't like the sound of it one bit.

Kaasan:

"Nęsan darling, how would you like a Niisan?"

An hundred thousand images flashed in little Nęsan-chan's head; of Niisan, wrapped in his pretty blue blanket, still smelling of the stork; Niisan, gurgling and smiling, slaving Kaasan and Tousan to him with every sound; Niisan, sleeping in her bed, Kaasan and Tousan sleeping at either side of the floor awaiting his every sound; Nęsan, curled up on her 'new' bed – outside with her puppy dog. . . .

Nęsan:

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

Kaasan and Tousan were hers! No baby Niisans were going to come and take over her rightful place as boss of the house! She wouldn't let them!

Kaasan/ Tousan:	"Nęsan, sweetie. . . ."
Nęsan:	"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

And thus was Niisan brought into the world, amid Nęsan's fury (the entire neighbourhood knew when she found out the stork had already put Niisan in Kaasan's tummy!) and his parents' somewhat guilty joy. They'd always wanted a Niisan, and maybe now Nęsan would leave them to sleep at least one night through.
Well, one night was one night – Niisan fussed for his feedings, but no sign of Nęsan or her sadistic little tricks. Please God, her parents prayed, let Nęsan see that with Niisan to take care of, they needed all the sleep they could snatch.
Anyone else would have suspected something in the girl's silence, after five years of devious little giggles. Nęsan kept quiet, but she didn't sleep that night; with a bike helmet on her head and toy binoculars around her neck, she was busy planning her attack.
First, and most important – destroy the enemy. Niisan would have to go, if things were every going to go back to the way they were supposed to be.
Second – establish the balance. Kaasan and Tousan would have to be punished for their failed coup, so they never did anything so seditious again.
Third – restore order. Once her parents understood and were sorry for their treasonous actions, she'd let them return to doting on her, and following her orders happily.
But first things first. . . .
Niisan.
And so began Nęsan's personal war against the insurrection going on right before her eyes.

EXTRACT FROM 'TANAKA NĘSAN; INSULAR MUSIC'
The life of acclaimed author Tanaka Nęsan is now well-known in literary circles with the release of her expurgated diaries. It is believed Nęsan was orginally against such censorship, however has since acknowledged it was necessary to "protect the egos of persons involved". One surprising exclusion is Nęsan's childhood relationship with brother Tanaka Niisan. The author, when asked, answered with a laugh that this was to protect her own stand as an advocate for global peace. Speculation as to the nature of the conflict between Nęsan the author and Niisan the lauded dancer with the world's most famous knees is rife.

Nurse:	"Hello, Bayside Hospital maternity ward, how may I help you?"
Nęsan:	"Hi, my Kaasan has a Niisan two weeks ago –"
Nurse:	"Family name?"
Nęsan:	"Tanaka,"
Nurse:	"Ah yes, I recall. Your Niisan was such a happy one!"
Nęsan:	"I just wanted to know if you could take him back,"

Yuujin:

"I don't understand why you don't like your Niisan. I think he's cute,"

And Yuujin went to tickle his belly. On cue, Niisan gurgled and grinned.

Yuujin:	"Look, he's even smiling!"
Nęsan:	"I've been smiling for years. My Kaasan and Tousan don't go all stupid when I smile,"
Yuujin:	"But he's little and he's so cute, and he doesn't have any teeth,"
Nęsan:	"He's stupid, he doesn't do anything but make dumb noises and smell,"
Yuujin:	"I wish I had a Niisan. You don't think he does anything, but I think he's cute and I'd play ball with him and tea parties and –"
Nęsan:	"He can't even sit up,"
Yuujin:	"Doesn't matter, I'd hold him up and feed him cookies and milk and. . . ."

And an hour or so later, Yuujin's Tousan came to pick her up.

Yuujin:	"Hi Tousan!"
Yuu's Tousan:	"Were you a good girl, Yuujin?"
Kaasan:	"Yes, she and Nene played with Niisan, then they played outside for a while,"
Yuujin:	"And we had a heap of fun Tousan!"
Yuu's Tousan:	"I'm glad you did Yuu-chan. And do you think maybe Nęsan would . . . Nęsan?"

Yuujin's Tousan looked around for his daughter's friend. Who didn't happen to be anywhere in sight.

Kaasan:	"Nęsan?"
Yuujin:	"Nene-chan?"

Nęsan was found an hour later making Christmas decorations in the garage from her Tousan's new drill bits. Less than ten minutes after, Niisan was returned, Yuujin's Tousan having found him in their car boot.
In the following months, Niisan developed a taste for travel. He was found in the garage; on his neighbours' front steps; in the backseats of Mormons' cars with little tags that read 'GOD SAYS TO TAKE THIS NIISAN AND LOOK AFTER IT'; sitting by their letterbox with a stamp on his forehead; the destinations went on and on.
Nęsan of course protested long and loud when her Kaasan and Tousan sent her to her room.
Niisan didn't notice Nęsan's fury whenever Kaasan picked him up or Tousan gave him a plane ride. No matter how many times the girl hissed/yelled/shrieked at him to get out of her room, put down her teddy bear and whatever else annoying little Niisans did, he just kept tottering after her, stumbling occasionally, always watching his big, grown up Nęsan. When Nęsan screamed, so did Niisan; when Nęsan refused to eat tomatoes, so did Niisan; when Nęsan demanded to be allowed to stay up, Niisan parroted the words as best his baby tongue could. And when Nęsan decided she'd start dancing just to get away from her clingy Niisan, the boy howled until Kaasan and Tousan said he could dance too, just to get some peace! Of course, being a baby, Niisan did little more than stand at the back and wave his arms, but his beaming little face certainly melted their dance teacher's heart, as it did everyone else's. All except Nęsan.
The Christmas after Niisan's first birthday, Kaasan and Tousan decided to tempt Fate and have their two brats'– uh, angels' picture taken with Santa. And this was a lot more than the normal tempting of Fate; Kaasan and Tousan had already decided that if their Nene-chan was a little sadist, then Nini-chan had earned the right to call himself a masochist a hundred times over. Kaasan had pictured the scene often enough; it was her single worst nightmare.

Santa:	"Well hello there ojousan! What would you like for Christmas? A teddy-bear perhaps? A pretty doll?"
Nęsan:	"I want lots of frogs and snails and worms to put in my Niisan's bed please,"
Santa:	"Nani?!"
Niisan:	"More fwogs! More fwogs for Nene-chan!"
Santa:	*weak* "Go . . . gomen nasai. . . ." *faints*
Nęsan:	"Kaasan, Santa just died!"
Niisan:	"Ssshinigamiii!"
Nęsan:	*whacks Niisan upside the head* "Shut up dummy! Nini no baka!!"
Niisan:	"Nini no beka!"
Woman:	"Ma'am, please remove your children from this centre and do not come back,"

Why were they taking such a risk? She'd be the laughing stock of Sydney!

The second Niisan left his Kaasan's arms, he started whimpering; who were all these strange people? The . . . onna? otoko? mono? . . . holding him had funny feet, and it was carrying him to a big red monster with white hair hanging off his face, and they both had floppy heads, and poor little Niisan was scared!
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"
The baby's face screwed up as he screamed and screamed and screamed, his cheeks painting themselves fire-engine red. His Kaasan's did the same. It had been a pretty vague hope that for five minutes, devils could pretend to be angels. Some, more docile children had their fingers in their ears, whilst their parents glared at Niisan's Kaasan as if it was her fault the stork had dropped two monsters down her chimney.
And with Niisan screaming still, the scary mono with the funny shoes literally dropped him into the big red monster's lap. Understandable that the scary mono was really just a seventeen-year-old girl in an elf costume, trying to fill her Christmas holidays with some extra cash, and the big red monster was a retired doctor who missed giving his younger patients jelly babies, but still, Niisan didn't know that did he?
The photographer – who hated kids, having taken pictures of them most of his life – tried everything from flashing toys to monkey noises, but nothing was going to stop Niisan crying now he had his heart in it. Kaasan wanted the earth to open up so she could jump in and spare herself the embarrassment. The retired doctor made what he thought were soothing sounds, whilst the high-school elf searched for their lolly jar. The photographer was about ready to pull his hair out (what little there was left).
It was at that particular moment Nęsan decided she was getting a headache.

Nęsan:

"SHIZUKA NI SHITE!!!!"

Niisan stopped screaming.
Kaasan, Dr. Santa, Elf Girl and the photographer forever after thought it was the shock that silenced the child. But no, Niisan knew that voice, had heard it a thousand times before, yelling at him for something or other. Nęsan would yell at the mono and the monster and then they wouldn't eat him.
Dr. Santa watched with amusement (and relief) as the little ojousan marched over, plucked her Niisan from his lap and sat there herself, the boy nestled on her lap.

Santa:	"Well ojousan, your Niisan certainly likes you a lot,"
Nęsan:	"He does?"

Niisans weren't supposed to like Nęsans any more than Nęsans were supposed to like Niisans. It had never occurred to the girl that her Niisan might be different.
Dr. Santa restrained his full belly laugh a little; after all, he didn't want to knock the two adorable children from his lap.

Santa:

"Of course he does! Look at him ojousan!"

And the little ojousan did just that. With her hands wrapped awkwardly around Niisan's puppy plump middle, he sat calmly, playing with her fingers and sometimes trying to reach for his toes (forgetting he had his little boots on).

Nęsan:

"Nini-chan?"

Niisan looked up at her, his brown eyes big and adoring.

Nęsan:

"Smile for the otoko with the camera?"

Niisan smiled. At her.

Nęsan:

"Nini-chan no baka! Over there!"

Niisan turned to smile at the camera. Nęsan spared enough time to scowl at the baby in her lap before doing the same.
Inside her head, Nęsan was thinking that having a Niisan might not be so bad after all.

*

Nęsan:	"So? What'd you think Nini-chan?"
Niisan:	"You're a sap!"
Nęsan:	"And you have crappy knees, so I'd say we're about even,"
Niisan:	"You really stashed me in Yuujin's Tousan's car boot?"
Nęsan:	"No, you crawled in there yourself. Kaasan and Tousan never figured out how you did it,"
Niisan:	"Maybe because you put me in there Nene!"
Nęsan:	"I did not!"
Niisan:	"Did too!"
Nęsan:	"I am completely innocent,"
Niisan:	"Yeah, sure"
Nęsan:	"Is that all I get for my hard work? Where's my hug and assurance that in ten years this'll be worth a fortune?"
Niisan:	"Not here,"
Nęsan:	"Well stuff you, that's the last time I write anything for you! Next year I'll just get you porn,"
Niisan:	"WOOOHOOO!!!"

*

This ends here!!! 0_0;;


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