Book Reviews:
| Mmmbop to the top | Official -V- Knockoff | Totally Taylors
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Someone should just take away my wallet! Then I
couldn't buy any more pathetically bad Hanson books! Should the titles not have tipped me
off? "Totally Taylor" and "Taylor Hanson: Totally Taylor." Wow. The
level of originality is just stunning. I'll just throw a few random things I noticed up
here, like, for starters, the fact that Hanson is probably pretty annoyed about these
books. They always emphasize their unity, and the fact that they're a band made up of
three integral parts. These cheap rip-off books capitalizing on Tay's popularity are
exactly the opposite of what Hanson seems to stand for. Why did I buy them? I have no
idea.
The deed is done, though, and after about a half hour of reading I felt
like that little old woman in the Wendy's commercials of the eighties: "where's the
beef?" What was the point of these books? They tell all the same stuff as Mmmbop to
the top and the official bio, just watered down and with the name "Taylor"
thrown in a lot more often. (Oh, look, it said his name... how sweet! Gag.) Having said
this, they were easy to read, and not totally annoying!
There were, however, a few discrepancies. Some of them little and non-issues, but some
seemingly huge. I'll just start off by quoting the white book (um, due to the cookie
cutter titles I shall call Taylor Hanson: Totally Taylor the white book, and Totally
Taylor the black book.) "Taylor isn't necessarily the kind of guy who seeks out
attention. He's more likely to let Isaac speak for the group, or to watch while Zac cracks
up a studio audience." Hello?!? Why is the media so desperate to maintain this little
creative fiction? I think that anyone who has seen "shy guy Taylor" in action
during interviews or TT&MON might question this statement. Did we ever hear Zac in any
of the above? Not that I recall. And Ike? he had a few wicked good one liners
("there's a sale at sears!") but Taylor certainly seems to be the spokesman of
the group.
The black book has more questionable points to ponder. The Hanson cat,
Mama, is mentioned a couple of times. I may be imagining it, but I'm pretty sure that in
an interview one of the Hansons said that they didn't have a cat because it no one would
ever be around to take care of it. Another kind of humorous mistake in this book is to be
found in the track list of MON. All the stuff you'd expect is listed, but sandwiched in
between "With You in Your Dreams" and "Man From Milwaukee" is the
enigmatic title: "20 empty tracks." This title is followed by a little astrick
to note that it's an original Hanson composition. "But wait!" Cries the avid
Hanson fan, "I've never heard that! Let me run to my CD!" What will you find?
Nothing. This Hanson song is just space between the two songs... I guess to make you feel
more privilidged about getting that bonus track.
Along these lines is the laughable tone of the books. My mom once came up
to me and said that my aunt had "dissed" her. First of all, no Vermonter should
ever say "dissed." It's just against nature. But what made it really sting is
the fact that it came from my mom's mouth. That's the feeling I got when I read these
books. Some grown up out there was trying really hard to sound like a teenager, and
failing miserably; "Hanson Hottie" proclaims the back cover of the black book.
Enough said.
The coolest part of both of these books is that they're kind of up to
date. One even mentions when Hanson was on Letterman in November. I guess if you've
thought about buying these books I would have to say go for it. the black one is a aimed
at the nine or ten year old fan, while the white one is a bit more challenging (keep in
mind, though, Socrates it ain't!) and probably appropriate for you twelve or thirteen year
olds who have Tay issues. I just had to mention the running contest for tackiest chapter
title... the old bio, Mmmbop to the top, had previously held the tin foil tierra for
"Zac: the ham on wry one," but I think that the torch must pass.
It's a two way tie for the new winner, though, between: "Mmmaking Mmmusic at
Mmmercury" and "Are You 'Taylor' made?" Heehee. They're so sad they're
funny.
The Official book -versus- The Boys from
Nowhere
Alrighty. There have recently been two additions to the ever
growing library of Hanson biographies out there. I, being the worlds biggest sucker, have
purchased both. The one everybody has doubtlessly already heard of is "Hanson: the
official book" by Jarrod Gollihare. The second book, entitled "Hanson, the boys
from nowhere," by Velimir Pavle Ilic, is much less widely known.
Both books are oversized: the official tome is black and measures in at a little less than
twelve inches high, and the knock-off is a smarmy shade of green and larger by about an
inch. Both books are similarly overpriced at about ten dollars a pop.
Here the we run out of common aspects between the two books. Logically speaking, the
knock-off has a more engaging writing style and in general a pretty good read. The
official book is a little iffy at times, but keeps a constant eye on the brothers, whereas
the other book tends to wander off on lyrical rampages about the state of the fashion
industry. Don't ask, I don't get it either.
The official bio has better pictures, as a general rule. The beginning is filled with
never before seen (at least by this author!) shots of Hanson posed sweetly from the humble
beginnings of their musical careers. Matching suits and bow ties, anyone? One of the best
photos in the book is housed in this section on the early years. It's to be found on page
8, and if there's anyone who can see this picture without an incredible urge to either
tickle/cuddle little Zac I just don't care to meet them. They can't be human :) The
"I want to cuddle them urge" is also evoked by the group shot on pages 13-14.
This lot is obviously from the deep end of the gene pool, boys and girls! After looking at
page 50 it is easy to imagine why the boys are being besieged by marriage proposals from
twelve year-olds around the world -- something funky was done with the lighting and the
eyes just seem to glow in an unimaginably attractive manner. Another point of note: this
is the book to go with if you prefer a brother other than Taylor. All of the pictures
include each of the brothers. The only complaint to be heard is that the pictures in the
later part of the book are obviously just lifted from the video and their quality is poor.
The knock-off bio is not nearly so kind about the even distribution of pics. While many of
the pictures in it do include the entirety of Hanson, there is a lot of favoritism at
play. There are six shots of Taylor alone throughout the book, while there are only four
of Zac and a measly two of Ike. The pictures that are included will not be new to an
avid-netsurfing reader.
The content of the Official book is vastly superior. It has a lot more first hand
information from Hanson themselves, and many quotes. The knock-off is composed largely
hear-say rip-offs of magazine articles that most of the world has probably already read.
Both books display layout that would be more at home in a magazine than a novel, their
glossy pages are geometrically designed to keep the text minimal and the pictures honkin'
huge. The knock-off book seems to fall prey to this mentality a lot more than the
official. There are huge blank spaces that really should have been utilized in at least
some pseudo-constructive manner. Although a lengthy 43 pages the Ilic tome probably has
about the number of words in your average Tropicana Orange Juice label. Seriously. Another
interesting note (probably to someone out there in the world, at any rate) is the
prevalence of flowers in the knock-off. Okay, sure, Hanson's first big hit included
mentions of quite a few flowers. But on everypage? After a while it starts to grate the
nerves, not to mention develop a striking resemblance to the cover of the Dave Matthews
Band CD, Crash.
If you must buy a biography of Hanson there are two roads to travel. If you're interested
in the pictures and glossy aspect, the Official book is decidedly for you. If you're more
of a content person and want to get the nitty-gritty on the boys you shouldn't buy either
of these. Mmmbop to the Top is for you. (Oh my god. I don't believe I just typed those
words, but it's true!)
Books rated on a scale of 1-10
-Official biography-
Content: 9
Layout/presentation: 8
Pictures: 10
-Knock-off-
Content: 5
Layout/presentation: 6
Pictures: 5
Pop pygmies invade bestseller
list
The time has come. I’m finally going to do it -- tell the world. Ohhh, I can’t.
It’s just to...freakish.
Be strong, llamagirl, be strong! You know you’re not the only person in the world
with this dilemma. Tons of celebrities have publicly come out of the closet on this
subject, and you can bloody well do it too. Just think of Jeanine Garafalo on VH1. She
said it loud, and she said it proud! Okay, here goes: I like Hanson.
I know, it’s scary. Why couldn’t I just like the bands everyone else likes? Why
can’t Trent Reznor’s driving rhythm and expository lyrics be sustenance for my
soul?
Comfort can be found in the fact that I’m not alone. Way not alone, to tell the
truth. Judging from the fact that the first unauthorized biography of Hanson to be
published, referred to (alarmingly enough) as MMMBop to the Top, has hit the New York
Times bestseller list, I have a lot of company in my degenerate tastes.
Not necessarily good company, mind you. Teenaged girl company would be my guess. The book
itself is hard to miss, as this reviewer quickly discovered while attempting to tote it
unnoticed to the cash register at Barnes and Noble. I may have made it that far, but from
the somewhat shocked stare of the cashier I shouldn’t even have bothered. She might
have well as grabbed that little microphone they have to talk over the loudspeakers and
screamed, “loser with no taste at register three! I repeat, Hanson fan in the
building!”
After the psychologically scaring experience of purchasing the book, I was hoping for a
ton out of it. I don’t know what, really -- perhaps the formula that allowed these
three barely-teenagers to rocket into the cultural superstrata of our society in, like,
ten minutes. Needless to say, that wasn’t there. What I found was some pretty solid
writing, and a lot of really cute facts.
Take the opening line: “The grin on Taylor Hanson’s flushed face stretched from
ear to ear. He couldn’t hear a word anyone was saying -- let alone what his brothers
were singing -- but he didn’t care. The deafening screams of joy coming from the sea
of rapturous faces around him told him all he needed to know.” It’s not at all
what one might expect from a tacky knock-off biography of a bunch of as yet one hit
wonders. It’s pretty interesting.
Not to mention forceful in even further propagating the obsession of America’s junior
high set. If Hitler or Stalin had access to propaganda half this effective it seems likely
that fascism would today rule the world. Really.
The author knows precisely which buttons to press in order to get those pre-pubescent
juices flowing. The use of Taylor Hanson as a starting point for one. Taylor is the
keyboard player in the band (look, I did research!). Yes, he is also the one everyone
thinks is a girl. Looking closer there are a few tell-tale signs of maleness about good
old Tay, as he’s called. He wears bad clothes, for one. His voice is in the process
of changing too. Yep, he’s a boy. Once this has been established one realizes
something else: he’s a really cute boy. Perhaps even a hottie in the larval stage.
The attention of the twelve-year-olds who just spent hours whining to their parents about
needing this book to keep on living has just been caught in an iron grip.
Next selling point is the accessibility of the scene. All of the fans have seen Taylor
making this face and dreamed thoughts into his head. (“Look at that goddess in the
front row, the one with ‘I love Tay’ painted on her cheek! I must have
her!”) The fact that someone else has contemplated what’s going on in his head
probably makes them feel a little less Manson-esque (the psycho killer one, not the
current rock star... well actually... who’s to say on that? We’ll just say this
is the Manson of the ‘60s).
The cutest of the teen attractants in this passage is the treatment of the fans
themselves. It’s easy to imagine the thoughts of the girls who bought this book as
they read the opening passage: “somebody noticed!”
Yep. Jill Matthews, the author, is heartless. Like a venus flytrap to twelve year old
psyches. By the way, if the name of the author sounds familiar there’s a good
explanation. Remember The Lives and the Loves of The New Kids On The Block? However
reticent I may be to admit it, I do. It was my favorite book in seventh grade, and it was
written by the same woman. Maybe I have found an excuse for my obsession with NKOTB. I
must have been brainwashed by authors like this!
The book contains chapters that follow the early years of he band, which to my shock,
actually existed. Before they signed with Mercury records, the Hanson brothers of Tulsa,
Oklahoma privately produced two CDs. So much for the Milli Vanilli, NKOTB kind of
prefabricated bands it would be easy to suspect Hanson to be similar to. As is stated
about forty times through out this thin tome, Hanson actually wrote four of the songs on
their album, Middle of Nowhere, totally by themselves before any record company in the
world was willing to look twice at these little blond “cutie patooties,” as
Rosie O’Donell called them on their recent appearance on her show.
The biography also contains a chapter on each boy. In case you were wondering (yeah, like
you’d admit it!) Hanson is made up of three brothers: Isaac, Taylor, and Zac. Their
ages, respectively, are 16, 14, and 11. Zac actually missed beating Michael Jackson out
for the record of being the youngest person ever to have a number on song on the Billboard
charts by an astounding five months. Pause for a moment, if you will, and reflect to what
you were doing at eleven. Barbies and Tiny Toons ring a bell?
These chapters include a little section on love astrology, one would imagine because
it’s hard to fill more than one page with interesting facts about a fourteen-year-old
boy that doesn’t involve shoving pencils up his nose or microwaving tinfoil for the
entertainment value. A shred of integrity is retained in this book by the fact that
Matthew’s cuts little Zac’s love astrology section short with a rather curt:
“no way is Zac Hanson close to ready to date, even if the Hanson no-girlfriends
policy were suddenly to change tomorrow.”
If you are in possession of a little sister, I can tell you what her favorite and most
oft-read section of this book is going to be, without even having to use my psychic
capabilities. Do the words, “All access -- A fan’s best chance of meeting
them,” mean anything to you? If you were twelve and female I guarantee it would. The
pity advice proffered in this section includes such gems as hanging around the venue the
afternoon of a concert because the band will be around doing a sound check, and getting
your parents to rent a room in a four star hotel in the town where Hanson is to perform.
Farfetched, perhaps, but the stuff of fan fiction galore!
The book also has some nitty-gritty about the making of videos and other such important
topics. Each song to be found on the Hanson album is given a brief treatment, including
inspiration and story line. The most amusing category included here would have to be
“Weep/Sap o’ meter,” which ranges from a low of zero for a song about a
dying relationship called Speechless to a high of 10 for With You in Your Dreams.
“Got a tissue handy?” Asks the author. “Got several?” Uh... no. Thanks
anyway. This song is described as having been written for their dying Grandmother. (Okay,
maybe just one tissue). Form her point of view. (Fine! Gimme the box!) Granny knows,
according to Matthews: “she’s dying, but she’s telling the boys it’s
okay, that they must go on living their lives, remember the happy times, and always know
she’ll be there, their memories of her etched forever in their waking dreams.”
Maybe I should take back what I said earlier about well written. That has got to be the
run-on sentence that ate Manhattan.
This book, which is currently sharing a place on the New York Times Bestseller list with
works by such revered author goddesses as Maya Angelou and book with deep social messages
like Mary Pipher’s Reviving Ophelia, is about Hanson. It’s about happy little
boys who are living their dreams. It’s about a nation of girls fantasizing like wild.
In short, it’s topic is fluffy, silly, and vital. Vital, you ask? yes. It’s
topic is eternal and the alpha and omega of youth: folly and obsession.
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