Practice Makes Perfect

So. Everything Hanson-esque has fallen under my scrutiny on this page for the past two years.  Their music. Their brilliance. Their hair. Taylor's drooling problem... *my* drooling problem. You get the picture.  The one stone left thoroughly unturned to this point, though, is MOE.

Why you ask? Well, the reason is simple: I have worked on some crappy publications in my day, and I know exactly what has gone into them. Every single thing anyone involved had to offer, and quite frequently considerably more. So I'm not the person to come to critiquing something like MOE. I know when the hairline is off. I know when articles are going to have people rioting in the streets. I know when you'll end up on CNN... uh. Never mind. Suffice it to say that creating a magazine like this is bloody hard work. And in the early MOEs -- the blurry, ant-sized Hanson editions, I like to call them-- it showed that someone was doing their level best to put out something the fans would enjoy. And we did enjoy them, because we were the fans.  Anyone not us, though, would have had a field day pointing out the 90% frequency of white text appearing on a white background. Or the insane waste of space...

Excuse me while I retract my claws, because the reason I'm finally getting down to talking about MOE is because I'm just bursting with glowing commentary on it, ranging from Taylor's super-artsy cover photo to the cutesy "MOEllenium" teaser.   Whoever put this together has a great eye for design, and whoever wrote the articles has an evil little sense of humor. Two whopping hooves up!

Cover:
That rug is right out of an episode of the Brady Bunch, eh? Only it would have been a dress on Marcia, or, in our case, a shirt on Taylor.  In the extreme minutiae department, how about that Albertane logo on the drum? I'm not entirely sure why I feel like it shouldn't be there, but Albertane just seems too sacred to have on any old drum. Why wasn't it changed? Does Zac only have one set of skins that he's been carting around since MON?  Hyper-critical, yet totally unignorable: what's up with the pixilization on MOE? Check out the 'E'. Big printing no-no. Or intentional?

Pages 1 and 2:
How beautifully Spartan are these pages? The tiny MOEs flow together in a harmonious Hanson sea; the hairline boxes are both visually appealing and effective. ::pirouettes gleefully::  In an unrelated and non-poetic note, who knew how wounded the tops of drums get from being used?

Pages 3 and 4:

Pictures:
The Last of the Lot, says the upper left hand corner shot. Judging from the text Hanson are in denial: The end of A&M might not have been publicly announced when this was written, but the "1962-1999" seems a little too tombstonesque to not lead one to some conclusions. Sorry.

The Zac-hair shot in the lower left hand corner kills my theory that all Hansons have perfect hair at all times. Sure, Ike had given it a hard knocking with some of his blow-drying days, but this is the proof I've been waiting for to officially conclude that Hanson are indeed human. Look at that hair! It's flyaway! And a little on the unbrushed side! And frizzy! I really used to genuinely believe that all Hansons had automatically perfect, shiny, straight, easily tamed hair.. but apparently that was a ruse constructed by a 1600 watt hairdryer and cemented by a really big bottle of mousse.

The middle picture? Gratuitous Taylor earring shot. Enough said.

Our little Isaac has become a man.  Will you just look at the upper right hand corner shot? He's grown into himself beautifully, and that grin is just pearl-drops impressive. Hooray for Ike and the end of awkward adolescence!

Bottom right is technical thingimawhatsit. The one that was almost destroyed by the volcano on an island. I have to point out here, though, that anyone who's been fascinated by Pompeii, the Italian city covered by the explosion of Mount Vesuvious in 79 A.D. (did I pay too much attention in history class?) knows that if you really love something, you should put it in the path of a really impressive eruption. The entire town of Pompeii (and, to a lesser extent its neighbor, Herculanium) was preserved exactly as it was on the day of the act-o-God, from the food waiting on dining room tables to the paved streets to the wall mosaics.  All of it waiting under feet of ash to be discovered by a future generation, a time capsule of Roman brilliance. This cool thingy could have been the time capsule left behind by our society! But *no*. Hanson had to record with it.

Text:
You know how people bring presents to concerts?  Next time Hanson are in my neck of the woods I'm bringing them a copy of The Chicago Manual of Style. They obviously need it... look at their utterly random punctuation on the headline for this page. "A&M Studios: The Last of the Lot." Sure. Sounds good. "A&M Studios The Last of the Lot." No. Bad. Evil! 

My personal theory is that this article was written by Zac. But that's just going to have to be a secret no one knows, judging from the way Hanson jealously guards information relating to the authorship of MOE works.  I reached my conclusion by reading closely, and noting that the sentences were a little choppy. My friend Jackie, gifted as she is, read closely and came up with the same conclusion because of the line, "however, this time Ike and Tay could help drive."  Um. Yeah. I noticed that too.  ::looks slyly around::

If anything in Hanson's long and bizarre career points to a need for hospitalization on the part of their parents, this "24" hour drive (which grows to be a "25" hour drive in the space of the first two paragraphs) is exhibit A.   There are things called planes. And people you can pay to do things like drive your van across a heck of a large chunk of the country.  I, for example, would have been available ;) 

I adore the way Man From Milwaukee was turned navy here.  It's just one example of how Isaac and his layout buddy have grown over the years. In MOE one they never would have even entertained the possibility of shading the words just for a silly little thing like legibility. Now, though, it looks like it's even in *italics*. God bless our grown up Hansons.

Also: I need to find out what's under studios B, C, D & M. Really. Now. Let's go. LA's not that far. I'll get my keys.

Pages 6 and 7:
In the Studio pics in another form, proving that the grassy-knoll proponents are probably wrong. Hanson have not intentionally been darkening pictures before posting them on Hansonline to mess with our minds. The pictures are apparently dark in their natural state, or so one would imagine from these little sepia toned numbers.  And the full page one? With Isaac grasping the wall? Does that give anyone else the impression he's re-inacting a scene from Michael J. Fox's stunning teen drama "Teen Wolf"? This would pose would, I believe, come right before hair starts sprouting out of his ears and he rips his shirt off. Both of which, might I add, may actually happen in the near future. There is also the matter of the bottom left picture with Isaac, pre-shearing, and Zac. What is the youngest Hanson doing? Playing Cat's Cradle with himself? Torturing insects? Demonstrating for Taylor's benefit what will happen if he gets too near teenie audiences?

Pages 7 and 8:
Pictures:

My feelings are mixed about these. Not in that way... well.. okay. In that way. But also in that seeing Hanson shirtless, no matter how attractive they may be, was not something I ever really wanted to do.  I want better for, and of, Hanson than skin. I want them to make music, and I guess what I should remind myself is that they are making music. This is not Britney Spears sexualizing children in Rolling Stone. This is a family trip to the beach. This is Taylor not being able to help looking like a runway model. Not a band of lesser caliber believing they can gain attention by hanging out topless.

Text:
The "Out of the studio and on the beach" (which could have been about 2 points smaller, thankyou).  The author of this article isn't as obvious as that A&M, mostly thanks to the references to only Zac in the text. So we know it's not him.. *probably*. Keep in mind that occasionally really weird people like to talk about themselves in the third person (but someone as mentally healthy as, say, llama, would never do this!), so all bets may be off as far as positive identification based on this fact.  Such interjections as "YEAH BABY!" make me suspect Ike for authorship, but who knows.

Out of the Studio is quite likely the most well written piece ever to be printed in MOE, and it's quite the enjoyable read.  It's easy to imagine what  it must have felt like to be there surfing, so much so, in fact, that I'd like to see the author of this article write a Hanson encounter review.  Reading it would be like being there! ;)  The best and most quotable line to be found is probably "all of the sudden, at that moment, you know.  You know you're not getting off this amazing ride until it won't take you any further." How easily could that be applied to a lot more in life than throwing oneself into freezing, shark infested waters?   Also, if we ever needed proof that Hanson are just as addicted to the internet as many of their fans, it is to be found in this article. "Ok, three footers instead of two. He, he, he."  And here I was thinking that I was the only person who found themselves trying to throw things like this into non-online writing.  The back cover of a book just isn't the appropriate place to include "hehehe" or ":D" but it's bloody hard to go back to regular writing after you get used to emoticons and internet shortcuts, as whomever wrote this article seems to show.

Pages 9 and 10:
Another breathtakingly beautiful page. The sour apple green background almost exactly matches one of Zac's drum sets from the Albertane tour, and everything from the funky texturization in the upper left hand corner to the tiny, opaque "netnewz"s to the transparent figures from Hanson in Clayovision! A masterpiece! 

The chatroom portion is vaguely entertaining, and I for one have spent much time pondering what exactly Taylor, a blender, and WD-40 have in common.   One exciting new note: I think this is the first time they've ever used non-Hanson song names.  Apparently they got sick of some of the old names... oooohhh.. or maybe this is Hanson's subtle hint about names which will be appearing on the new album? Pheobe and Mark?

Hanson.net is fine and dandy, might I say, but I don't like that Hanson are kind of knocking AFH in their news from the net section. Yeah, the spam there is annoying, but from what I've seen of hanson.net, the "hi my name is tay_wife_99" posts that are the hallmark of teenies trying to shake their "jr. member" status are just as bad. Eek. And they shut down threads on the demo... Eek again.

The net pick, however, is beyond excellent. Need I point out that I was campaigning for this site last year? Not that Hanson listened to me, but it's cool to think that whoever picks these (not Hanson themselves, judging from the 10/29 yahoo chat) has a sense of humor. Hanson in clayovision is an opinionated site with teeth that isn't "we worship Hanson and everything about them and would never imagine criticizing." All of the previous netpicks have been safe--non preferential links pages, strictly moral Hanson information pages, and art sites. Hanson in clayovision mixes all of these, looking cool and being funny all at once (hehe.. on the pic in MOE you can just see where one of Taylor's nicknames is listed as "future husband.") I said it then and I'll say it again. I would not have been more happy if my own site was picked than I am that hanson in clayovision was :)

Pages 11 and 12:
Here's what Hanson.net might have looked like, if all had run smoothly. Pretty cool, eh? I suspect that what they're using now is probably better anyways, because supposedly you could only post replies one thread deep on this version. So it would mean that one person would have posted something, one person would have replied, and the thread would be closed. Or so I think. Could be wrong. Oh. And I wonder who got to test this version? They were really subtle about their privacy of the people involved... using their names and all.  And I'm interested in the "Hanson will participate in discussions" bit. To date it looks a lot like Hanson post in this official notices area and nowhere else. Not that I can blame them.

Ah, and here's Dr. Food. The subtlety of this page's layout is stunning. At first I was all "hhmm.. blurry red background. Very MOE-ish. But then looking closer I realized that the background is actually a version of Zac's Dr. Food character.. you can see some of his face and his name. Clever design concept offering them freedom of layout and yet continuency. Also, guess what my mom made for supper the night before I got my MOE? Risotto. I've never tried it before, but it was really yummy. I'm a big fan of rice. But anyways, I just thought it was cool that Risotto kept popping up in my life in totally unrelated ways.

At first I wasn't such a big fan of Dr. Food, grumbling that he was taking away precious Hanson space, but I've grown fond of the fellow, whomever he may be (perhaps Ash?).  Now I think that this is just another way in which Hanson are incredibly creative and cool... I'd like to see the other boy bands come up with a column so cute and informative and yet *utterly* bizarre.

Pages 13 and 14:
That paper probably contains the set list for Hanson's new album, their personal email addresses, and the meaning of life itself. But we'll never know any of the above, because we can't read the sheet. Grr.  This would be another imperfect Hanson hair shot, in fact Taylor's do here actually resembles mine after I've been swimming and let it dry naturally. That's a possibility, judging from the surfing article. Gratuitous cartilage piercing moment #2.

Pages 15 and 16:
More in the studio pics, once again from what appears to be A&M. Not like it's all that easy to tell or anything, considering the inky blackness that is their only common denominator.  A cameo appearance is even put in by the Ike-as-a-werewolf shot in the gutter of the page. Run out of pictures and think we wouldn't notice, did they? Hah. Incredible how many guitars Ike uses. Very impressive. Also impressive would be the shots of Taylor and Zac, looking their charming selves.   At first I was unsure what the subject of the picture in the upper right hand corner was, because it looked a little Taylor-ish, but appeared to be built more like Zac. (Aka: like a linebacker.)  After some contemplation, though, I realized that both the red shirt picture in the corner and the one that is sort of around it seem to be the same. So... Taylor it is. Despite Zac's Yahoo chat wish for his brother, it looks like Taylor may already have some meat on those once-prominent bones.

Pages 17 and 18:
This two page spread is the soy filler in the Big Mac of life. Some people will be getting the enhanced CD with this edition of MOE, but if my calculations are correct some people will be getting it for every edition from here on out.  The new subscribers, the late renewers... how long are we going to hold the hands of the slow people? ;)  Just kidding. But about Hansonworld: it was fascinating for like 2 days, and then the thrill wore off. Not, of course, before the worlds.com suckered me out of 12 dollars by teasing me with the ability to do the macarana with a VIP avatar. I can't dance in real life... I need to make up for my god-given lack of coordination somewhere!  Regrettably enough, I lost the most fascinating link about Hansonworld. The company that put it together said that their Hanson program was the most successful of any they've done, bringing in the most users for the greatest amounts of time. Supposedly there were 30,000 members of MOE who received the CD and over thirty percent (?) of them actually installed, way more than they would normally see. Another random thought: now that we know that Hanson had a bunch of people to test hanson.net, I wonder if they did the same for Hansonworld? A good number of the visible screen names are directly Hanson related, so I wouldn't suspect that they were created by Worlds.com to test the environment. 

Pages 19 and 20:
Ah, these sparse pages contained not one but *two* now-I-remember-why-I-love-Hanson moments.  Firstly, this E3 thing sounds like the coolest thing ever. Back when I was in high school I went to an exhibition of virtual reality games in Boston, and it just rocked my world. I can hardly imagine how impressive E3 must have been in comparison! Another perk of that whole teen pop star scene: amazing opportunities to do cool stuff. Even if it does involve hanging out with "video geek population," as whomever wrote this article so tactfully described their fellow conventioneers.  The other Hanson adoration inducer was the direct relation to the Terminator movies. I can not sum up how amazing I think the work of James Cameron is, from Aliens to the Terminator to True Lies to Titanic.  It's pop culture with deeper threads just waiting for the analyzation, hints of human disenfranchisement and redeeming grace. I actually had the opportunity to meet Mr. Cameron once, and he seemed like the coolest guy. Even gave a semi-star struck little llama an autograph and listened to her ramble about some scenes from a few of his movies. And the quote! A direct quote from the second Terminator? The action movie with a brain? Oy. Love me some Hansons.

Something about this article makes me lean towards Taylor, but I'm not entirely sure. E3 is brief and to the point, with no signs of unnecessary text or rambling. This seems to rule out Isaac, but something about the sense of humor makes me suspect that he was involved.  Also, another sign of internet addiction appears in the form of a ":)" in the first paragraph. I'm wondering if the smileys might be the way to crack the MOE author code... In Yahoo chats Taylor always seems to do the :o) species of smilies, while this one is the distinct colon/parentheses. No frills. If you promise not to try and have me committed, I will do some research in previous MOEs. ;)

Pages 21 and 22:
While the color scheme of these two pages makes me a little dizzy, they're nice.  Easy to understand. Well laid out. Light text on sufficiently dark backgrounds, even!  The exuberance of the Stars Wars premiere article is incredibly cute, and highlights the fact that while Hanson are Hanson, they're still in awe of their idols just like everyone else.  This snippet appears to have been written by Isaac or Taylor, my money being on Taylor, and the picture they've included is from US magazine, representing one of the first "oh my gosh, who is that bruiser and where's our sweet little Zac?" experiences.

At first I was a little unimpressed by the Women's World Cup picture, because all most of us have seen of the performance consists of the 15 seconds of footage ABC was so generous to air for us.  After some thinking, though, I realize that this is perhaps the coolest picture in this edition of MOE. Imagine being there, seeing that sea of humanity, and having to stand on that little stage all alone in front of all of those people to sing.  I couldn't have done it (and would never be called to, thank god, mostly attributed to possessing a voice quite similar to the torture of small animals), and it's impossible to even fathom what it must have been like. The pressure must have been insane, to be making your first real appearance in front of a crowd in nearly a year and to know that *everyone* in the world was watching and just waiting to judge... ouch.  The article is another example of Hanson going a little bit teenie. Screaming so loud at a sporting event you make your little siblings cry? Eek. Next thing you know they're going to be painting their chests and starting the wave! Once again, this appears to be an Isaac or Taylor penned article, leaning towards Isaac. My reasoning is insane, but when it says "I spent a number of years playing and later refereeing soccer (I was a better referee than player)" makes me envision fatherly Isaac refing for a bunch of third graders. Just a thought.

Now I've been keeping an eye out for the Isley brothers ever since that Ugly Phil interview when Hanson mentioned perhaps covering one of their tunes. I dug through my parents old Time Life Vinyl collections (yep, the same one Hanson had in South America, among many others) and was only able to come up with Twist and Shout, which is all well and good. It just didn't grab me, though, and I assumed that Hanson would be covering a different song but was unable to find any other options without making a concerted effort, which was just way to much for me.  Finally, I got the Jackson Five Ultimate Collection CD and fell utterly in love with it, most especially the song "It's Your Thing." It's the coolest thing ever, an amazing groove and a wondrous showcase for little Mikey Jackson's voice.  I suspected immediately that this was an Isley number, and only just found out for sure when I got my MOE :)  Yay for predictable Hansons, and let's just leave it at I would think they could do a slamming cover of this (and I'm not even saying this just because Taylor and the words "if you want me to love you, then maybe I will" would belong together in a perfect world.. hehe..)  Also, as I was flipping through my MOE and listening to DMX (DMV? STA? Whatever that TV music service is) of course the original Isley version of the song came on, and I must admit that I think I like the Jackson's better. It's got this hint of Disco that just makes the song. But at any rate, another Hanson idol, another new kind of music a lot of us are exposed to.

The MOE FAQ is just charming, as usual, and the only thing I really have to point out is that Hanson will apparently never run out of disgustingly/precious uses for the name of their fanclub, as is evidenced by "remoe".

Other things to look out for in the last pages that llama is too lazy to type up:
The Hanson tattoos are just alarming.  Not that they exist or anything, but because I think it would be darn funny to put a MOE one somewhere and go out and about with it.  The only people who would have any idea what it means would probably be entertained to see it, and the people who wouldn't recognize it would just think that I was a brilliant graphic artist and had designed my own tattoo. It's a win win situation, really.  Also in the realm of merchandising, where's my 2000 calendar?!?!?!

Also, my friend Hanna won an autographed MOE! Out of 30,000 people, they picked her. Very, very cool. In a footnote to history: Bob Barker also won one. Guess that just goes to prove that not all Hanson fans are 12 year old girls. Here's one who is an aging gameshow host! ;)

The sent-in-from-fans page is cool as usually, but ever since another friend, Jackie, mentioned it, I can't take my eyes off the random glittery red thing on the right hand page. What is it? A kidney? Liver? Upside down heart? Bozo's nose?

Could I be any more excited for the next edition? Lyrics, tour dates, music video behind the scenes material? ::gets woozy::  Figuring that we get four MOEs a year, the next one should probably be coming in March or April, which would lead me to believe that if these items are going to be such scoops, the album won't be out at that point.   It's a pity that patience isn't my strong suite ;)

Things llama is bringing to the next hanson show:

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