Older Now

Lea sighed. Today was the day. Just as it had been the day last year and the year before that, and the year before that... It had been so long ago. “So long,” she whispered. Five years. Had it only been five? It seemed as though lifetimes had passed between now and that day.

Coming out of her reverie, Lea found herself staring, for the first time, at that stone in front of her. The words cause her eyes to burn with unshed tears. All of those old thoughts and emotions came swarming through her mind, coming back into existence suddenly, like a scream after an eternity of silence.

The wind blew harshly and Lea drew her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, wishing the wind would take all the memories with it.

Sometimes it takes all my energy just to forget about all the memories that I’d be better off without...

She took a deep breath, as if to say something, but no sound emerged. It was a minute or two before Lea could bring herself to speak.

“I... This is so hard, Taylor,” she finally said. “Coming here, like this, after so many-” she closed her eyes, and tears slid down her cheeks. She made no move to wipe them away.

“There were so many... moments. And thoughts, and events, and conversations, that I wanted so badly to share with you. My whole life, I dreamt of telling you about little things that happened to me... and you would actually listen. Every word, every syllable- you’d always listen.

“But those were dreams. And I always thought that someday, even if it wasn’t till we were fifty, they’d come true.”

All the innocence and beauty there is, holding me to a hope that I can be with you, and our joys would be aplenty and our sorrows few...

“But the thing is, they didn’t. They didn’t,” she whispered and closed her eyes again. Drawing in a shuddering breath, she continued.

“You were so beautiful,” she said, almost choking with emotion. “At first, it was just the music. But then, as you became more and more a part of my life, you just transformed, into this, this... It was as if you went from just another of the thousands of musicians to this total... epitome of everything that was important and...” she stopped a moment.

“You became my life, Taylor,” she said. “I still cared about upcoming tests and my friends’ parties on weekends and that cute boy in biology...” she smiled slightly as a tear fell. “But... it was all little stuff, compared to you. You were always in the back of my head. You still are. I see you on the street, or I’ll hear a note from one of your songs in someone else’s.”

And the four right chords could make me cry...

“I guess that, in a way, it was a relief that you died. I don’t have to constantly think, anymore, of new ways to get tickets to shows or try to win a chance to meet you, or convince my parents to fly me to Tulsa.

“But... even though that’s gone, you’re still always going to be in every thought like before: so integrated into my mind that I couldn’t figure out how I went from driving to the supermarket to pulling over and weeping because I couldn’t- and still can’t- know you.

“There are times when I think, if I could have just touched you, or looked at you face to face, or said one word to you that maybe my life would be different somehow. That maybe, I could have been happier, or satisfied...” Lea stopped suddenly, a thought striking her.

“How could I have felt this way at fifteen? I asked myself that a lot, especially when I was fifteen. But... how could I not have felt this way?” She stood, dropping flowers at the base of the head stone.

“Sometimes I wonder, Taylor, if I’ll ever love anyone the way I loved you. But I’m older now. I should be over you.” Lea forced an ironic laugh.

And laughing is just one step away from crying and I don’t want to do that today.

“Who am I kidding? I wish so much I could say good-bye to you, once and forever. But, it just doesn’t work that way, I guess. So...” She took a deep breath and traced the top of the head stone, reading the inscription one last time. “I’ll see you later, Taylor Hanson.”

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Disclaimer:

“Older Now” is a fictional short story. Any similarities between the story and actual events are purely coincidental. The character of Taylor Hanson, though based upon a real person, is fictional in this story. The author has no association with any people mentioned in the story, nor any association with MCA, Elektra, Mercury, or New Pop Revival Records.

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Lyric Credit (in order of appearance):

“Never You Mind,” from Semisonic’s Feeling Strangely Fine, by Dan Wilson and Jacob Slichter, copyright1998 WB Music Corp./Semidelicious Music (ASCAP), Warner-Tamerlane Publishing Corp./S As In Sam Music (BMI).

“Semi-Charmed Life,” from Third Eye Blind’s Third Eye Blind, by Stephan Jenkins, Published by 3eb Publishing (BMI).

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Thank-Yous:

Thanks to my writing friend buddies- Amanda! Thank you forever and a million for posting this! I feel so important- only 15 years old and already on Llama's page! ~P, you have disappeared off the face of AOL, and I want you back!! You're so great! Karen, I love you! You're so sweet to have emailed me every single chapter of Lady Of My Heart! Jenn, your Tale of 3 is so great! I'm glad you added a fourth. : ) And thanks to a great writer that I haven't talked to, but hope to- Jessica Rose. You've got some wicked good talent- I don't think I'll ever forget Heard.

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