(Chapters one through four)
"I think there is a chemistry bewteen two people, and no one can explain it. The two may have nothing in common, but they just like each other. It's mother nature taking its course." -Taylor
"I think there is a chemistry bewteen two people, and no one can explain it. The two may have nothing in common, but they just like each other. It's mother nature taking its course." -Taylor
Mom had always told me... "Clarissa, there's was a difference between being poor and looking poor." She told me time and again that it cost nothing to clean your house and look neat and clean. It was just a matter of pride. Nick and Sarah were gone to school for the day, house was clean, and I had finished the yard work yesterday. I stood in the yard reveling in the beauty of the freshly tilled planters and the tiny lavender and white flowers I had divided and replanted to fill in the bare spots.
Wiping my feet, I entered my home, I loved this place, my solace, it just had that aura of peacefulness about it and it wasn't just me either. Nearly everyone who entered said that it felt like home. That's how I felt, it was my home. Jack had been smart about one thing, he had insurance to pay this place off when he died, if he hadn't, I don't know how we would make it. I dug for the last bills in the bottom of my purse..."10, 13, ah, a five! 18, well 23 dollars including all the change. That was it, all I had to my name until my check on Friday, but I had to go to the market, so I left five on the counter for any emergencies the kids might have in the next four days( teenagers always needed something...) and headed out the door to the market.
"Lunches..I need stuff for lunches for the kids and milk and something to stretch dinner for the week" Talking to myself, a bad habit, got me quite a few stares at times. I counted carefully as I put the needed items in my cart, and still had just enough left for something out of the ordinary, something nice...I saw them across the produce department, black plums, I'd get a few, just as a special treat.
~
It never failed, I walk past a display and the whole thing collapses. I am muttering curses to myself as I chase the stray oranges around the floor of the produce department. It's the curse of Zac, I swear, things like this never happen to other people. I gathered the last of the oranges and tried to stack them neatly back in the pyramid they once formed, kicking the few extras under the edge of the display.
Balancing the last one carefully on the top, I turned to sneak away before I knocked something else over, that's when I noticed her just few feet away. A girl and a cute girl none the less. I stopped to look at her momentarily, but got caught. She looked up at me and gave me a small smile, well, she wasn't a girl, more like a woman, that which would be evidenced by what I further observed as I once again stood in front of the pile of oranges and slowly put them in a plastic bag. I didn't even want any, I just wanted to non-chalantly keep looking at her.
She was what anyone would describe as cute, as if cute was a word you might use for a full grown woman, but I couldn't come up with a better term. Her hair was just at her chin, in a straight cut, I think Jess called that a bob once, her features were small but she was what mom might call 'well maintained.' It was hard not to notice her nice figure straining the bib on her overalls and tried to check her out a little more, but got caught once again. This time her smile was a little more shy as she now knew that, I was indeed, fully checking her out.
~
Well, I must say, my journey to pick up a few plums,became more of an adventure than I had bargained for. I felt eyes on me and looked up hoping to find an aquaintence, but instead found a young face a two big brown eyes that nearly made me drop the bag I was filling. A long shock of thick golden blond hair hung nearly over one of them, and a shy smile accompanied the look. I had never heard of describing a man as beautiful, but in this case, no other words fit, tall, beautifully tanned and cheekbones that any male model would kill for. He looked away quickly when he realized he'd been made, as did I. Still I felt it though, that un-nerving feeling that someone was watching me, I tried to hurry, but if I was going to spend my hard earned money on these I wanted them to be worth it. I let it go for a minute, then looked back up to see if he was still there, I was shocked he was, and still watching my every move. This was just too funny, I was being checked out by a guy in a supermarket. Me, Clarissa, 36 year old mother of two teenagers, this would be a fun discussion at dinner tonight. I giggled to myself as I made my way out of the produce section and towards the register.
Long lines, always long lines when you are in a rush. Glancing at my watch, I calmed as I realized I had at least another 20 minutes before I was to pick up Sarah at the Jr. High. Then rush home to get there before Nick arrived, I wish he'd let me pick him up, but he's a too cool sophmore, can't let anyone see mom picking you up. No way. It was late in eighth grade when I started letting him walk home by himself, that's where Sarah is at now, but she has never said a word about it, she actually almost seems greatful.
I stood there lost in thought, but suddenly became all too aware of who was behind me in the checkout line. Glancing up, yes up, he was at least 6'2" if not taller, I smiled shyly and looked back to the register getting a small chill from the inner thought that I might actually still be attractive to the other sex. The minute the register totalled, I froze, how did I miscount? $19.89 the register read, I only had the $18 with me.
~*~
I came to buy groceries for the week, and all I had was the oranges in the bag, which I didn't even want and she was walking away towards the registers. I felt the strong need to follow her, I couldn't even begin to tell you why. I wandered up in line behind her with the idiotic bag of fruit feeling the urge to just reach out and touch her, or say something random, just to get her attention. It took all my willpower not to. I still could look though. A glance and a small smile from her once again, my heart danced...she looked back quickly to the register and counted her cash. Before I could realize it, she was heading out the door and the clerk had grabbed my bag. Hurridly I paid and then noticed her bag of plums still on the counter...ah- Ha! I got my chance..
I flew out to the parking lot to see her just putting her bags inside an older one of those SUV cars. Not wanting to scare her, after all the staring in the store, I made sure she saw me coming . She looked nervous as I approached, but I could detect a hint of a smile.
"Um..uh...put back the plums, I only have this cash with me" I told the clerk, embarrassed even more that I would have been normally because of who was standing in line behind me. The plums gone, I paid, and made my way out to the car.
"The last gal, she forgot her fruit," I told the clerk.
"Nah, she didn't have enough cash with her..."
"Here I'll pay for them" I told him hurridly, wanting to be able to catch her still.
"You didn't get your plums..." Well it wasn't the best opening line, but it was one, none the less. I handed the bag to her.
"I,um....didn't pay for these..why...?" she was confused.
"I did, wouldn't want you to have to come all the way back here just for one thing" There that was better, I sounded like a gentleman now.
Her smile broadend in appreciation, and she held out her hand.
"My name's Clarissa, Ri, for short, you?" Taking her hand in mine, I got the urge to kiss it rather than shake it, but restrained myself. The girls at the show might have appreciated that, but not a perfect stranger.
"Zac,..... Zac for short..." I laughed a little hoping to make a joke, it took a second but then she got it.
"Thank you Zac, you are quite the gentleman.." She laughed slightly, meeting my eyes while shaking my hand. If I didn't know any better, I would think she was flirting with me.
"Anything for a beautiful woman..." I answered, turning on the charm. Her face flushed and she looked down at the ground.
"Um...Where can I get the money for these back to you at?" She was a bit quieter, and she didn't look at me with that statement. I didn't want our conversation to end, I couldn't bear the thought of not seeing her again, be it just a grocery store flirtation, there was no way around it, I had to ask for her number.
Giggling all the way to Sarah's school, I had to wipe the grin off my face before she riddled me with questions. It had literally been years since a man, let alone a younger and quite nice looking man, had even glanced my direction. I sat in the car waiting for the normal 10 minutes of traffic to slowly let me move ahead to the pick up zone. I pulled the card he had given me from my sweater pocket.
I tossed the card on the dash as I saw her heading for the car.
".......an Jacy got the really super cute socks that have.....Mom...Mom?" I looked at her suddenly realizing she was talking to me.
~
Don't let the fact that I was picking up women in the grocey store produce section make you think that women were problem for me. Not that I am conceited or anything, but they were always there, always. Any personality, shape, size, color. They were always there. I had been told for years, first by mom and dad, then as Ike and Tay found their life partners, them too. I believed it for all those years, but the past couple of years, I began to doubt it. I had done everything, I had dated them, fans and others. Women at church, women I was set up with, but I never made any connection. There were a few times I actually thought I might of, but I always had this annoying tug in the back of my heart telling me it just wasn't right. I had seen too many of my friends make that mistake and I wasn't about to. I wanted to make sure I was positive, One hundred percent positive.
Picking up the scrap of paper with her number scrawled on it off the counter I looked at it again. What do you say to someone you don't even know and have said barly two sentences to? I wanted to call, but it had only just been hours. I should at least wait until that evening, not that there was a certain protocol for grocery store pick-ups or anything, but I didn't want her think I was desperate. Lonley, definitely lonley, but not desperate.
"Hello?" I grabbed the phone as soon as it rang, more out of shock or maybe just that fact that it was sitting right there with me staring at it.
I think I was going to burst, the one time a week I eat more than I ever do. But Mom's dumplin's man, nothing could compare. I stuck my hand in my jeans pocket and felt the scrap reminding me that I needed to still make the call, Now was a good a time as any.
The phone looked back at me from the desk where it stood, almost taunting me. I couldn't even imagine that the hesitance I was feeling was due to nervousness, I had too much under my belt to think that even possible. I dialed the numbers slowly trying still to think of a clever opening line, but coming up with nothing.
"...ello" a deep male voice from the other end of the line. Immeadiatly flashed a huge red light in my head, but I come this far.
Hanson Inc.
Z.W. Hanson
Specialty Musician Services
(203) 555-7895
"Wow, Mom, good day?" She looked at me, smiling, as she hopped in the car at the top of the circle.
"Actually quite pleasant..." She was looking at me with a look that if I didn't know better I would think she could tell. Maybe I was glowing.....
"Um, sorry hun, what?" She looked at me and laughed, hard.
"What is with you today , mom?-you're like off in another world." She just smiled and shook her head. Her eyes landed on the card on the dash and she took it to read.
Silence filled the car, but only momentarily.
"Where'd you get this?...." She had a huge smile on her face.
"..Just someone I ran into at the store..." I tried to sound casual, not understanding why a business card held such utter amazment for her.
"Tell me you don't know who this is?" I looked at her with total confusion showing on my face.
"Who ...who is?" She was still looking at the card with a rather large smile.
"Zac, his name is Zac,right mom? If it is, he's a drummer, a very famous drummer!" I suddenly lost my smile and felt a little sick to my stomach.
"Yeah, his name was Zac......A drummer for who, er, what..?"
Mom, you are not that anicient, you know good and well who he is, he has two brothers, they are Hanson, Hanson , mom, last name Hanson?" I was trying to think, I wasn't an old fogey about my music, I liked all the top 40 stuff that was out, but I didn't stay on top of *the Scene* as Sarah put it.
"Sorry hun, rings no bells..."
"Okay, mom, um you were probably um...maybe 20 or 21...they did that Bop song, everyone hated it for years, they had to really work to overcome that image..."
Suddenly it hit me--I used to listen that song when Nick was a baby, he loved it, he used to coo along with it...and he danced at the coffee table.
"OH, the MMMBop kids.......I loved that song, Nick loved that song, he used to ...."
"Okay...so...how...did...you ....meet...him?" She was purposely talking slow, trying to catch my attention. I smiled, I guess I'd tell her, if nothing else she'd get a good laugh. Her old mom being picked up on in the grocery store by a rock drummer...now this was getting good.
" ....he picked up on me in the grocery store.." I tried to get it out all in one breath, cause I know when she burst out laughing I would too.
"He what?"...no laugh, not even a smile.
"He was watching me in the store, and then the plums, and he asked for my number and he gave me his..." I was getting flustered, her reaction wasn't what I would have expected.
"Ok, this would not be him than, he's only like um..maybe 27- or 28? Tall big guy, really nice blond hair?" I looked back at her and shook my head yes, my stomach tickling me a bit thinking about his beautiful eyes....Her mouth just hung open.
"Hey Zac, you comin for dinner tonight?" It was Tay asking about our Tuesday nite ritual, family dinner for the whole family at one of the houses or another, just never mine. I wonder if they thought I couldn't cook? I am a good cook, if I hadn't learned I'd have starved by now.
"Yeah well, uh yeah I guess, I might be a little late......It's at you and Jenn's?"
"Yep, here, don't be too late, Mom's bringing chicken dumplings..." Mmmm, my fav. I suppose I could just make the call from there, I could go hide in the study or something.
"Um, yeah, Clarissa please?" I could hear some laughter and conversation in the background, and then I faintly made out 'must be a telemarketer, they asked for Clarissa' the male voice told someone. Her voice was the next thing I heard.
"this is Clarissa,...." She sounded so young over the phone, I could have mistaken her for a young girl.
"It's Zac, Zac from the store?" What a smooth opening line, but hey....She gave a small laugh.
"Well, hello Zac, you need to call me Ri or I am going to think that you're someone official." She sounded pleased, my tense feelings eased up for just a moment.
"How was the rest of your day? and the plums?" I was just trying to get an easy conversation going here, but not knowing her, it made it harder that it should be.
"Just a moment Zac..." She covered the phone, but I could still make out something about being excused and a little privacy.
"Okay, I am back, my kids, they know something about your career and are all interested in your call." Wow, kids, I didn't even think about this aspect.
"SO, um, your kids, how old?, they know about me? My career is pretty quiet these days, I do studio work and fill in work for other bands. We don't have another album due for awhile......" I was rambling, not a good sign, this means I am nervous. I liked the fact that she was so calm and straightforward about things. It wasn't too many women who were normal once they found out what I did for a living or figured out about my past life. Yep, that past life, Zac Hanson teen idol.
"14 and 16, my kids I mean, and yeah, they knew. Music is a big part of both of their lives, their dad was very talented...." She still had that no nonsense feel about her when she talked, I was really beginning to like this woman.
Sarah had to tell Nick almost as soon as he got home. She thought it was quite funny, Nick didn't have the same reaction.
"Mom, I don't know why you are so surprised by this, guys look at you all the time" he informed me as if it was a well known fact. He had his fathers dry sense of humor and though it had been more than five years since Daniel died, I still had a vivid memory of him. There were times that I saw so much of him in Nick it was spooky.
"Yeah right kid" I swished his hair with the hotpad I had in my hand as I walked by.
"You think I am kidding, but I walked in on a *Nick's mom is hot* discussion my friends were having not too long ago..." he shivered at the evidently not too pleasant memory. "...and when I go anyplace with you, guys are always checking you out. It's embarrassing!" I blushed a little at the comment made by my son.
The phone ringing promptly ended that discussion. Nick went to grab it and laughed over his shoulder it was probably my rock star calling, this sent Sarah and myself into gales of laughter.
"For you mom..." he placed the phone on the counter "Probably just a telemarketer, they asked for Clarissa.."
I grabbed the phone.
"This is Clarissa?" I nearly dropped the phone in shock. It was him. I wasn't sure why he was calling and at first it was somewhat awkward, more so on my end because I had two extra sets of ears listening in. As soon as I chased them away, I was a bit more comfortable.
Our small talk continued for some time, I think nearly thirty minutes we chatted, a few interuptions on his end as well, he told me he was with family for the nite. We talked about his, we talked about mine. We had nothing in common, persay, but I just really enjoyed talking with him. He was intelligent, educated and well read. I prompted him to tell me about his business and life, as I knew that my meager existance didn't hold a lot of excitement for someone like him.
I knew that the end of the conversation was coming, I had to get off and check homework before they escaped to their rooms for the nite. I wondered if he had just called to chat or whether there was an omnipresent question he had for me. I didn't have to wait long.
"So um, Ri...." I was almost sad that I had to end this time with him. "I'd really like to see you...outside the grocery store parking lot ...." his laugh at the end of this comment reminded me of one of Nicks teenage friends. The subject of our age never came up in the conversation, but with any amount of simple math he had to have figured out the I was at least 8 years older than him. I didn't even conciously think of my answer before it came out of my mouth.
"I'd love that, Zac." There was a short silence as he heaved a big sigh, either out of nervousness or relief, one or the other.
~*~
I have to say the lessons that all those years my mom kept hammering into us about trusting that there was a plan for our lives and we just had to be patient, that it would be revealed in it's own time, were once again was rearing their ugly head. Until I had seen Ri at the store that day, I felt like the sun had set.
Maybe that was the plan for my life, maybe I was meant to be alone. Watching Ike with his wife and kids, and Tay with Jenn, about to burst herself, I always felt that unpleasant taste of bitterness rise in my throat again. I couldn't imagine a God that would keep such a thing from me. Sometimes at night, the loneliness gets intolerable. I can only guess that is what midnight movies are there for.
I know how corny this sounds that just a simple conversation with someone can make a grey downcast mood brighten, but it did. I couldn't really even tell you what we talked about, oh maybe, here and there, I do remember that she was thoroughly impressed that one of my recent gig's had been doing some track work with Motown for one of their top names. I remember her telling me about her son and daughter, I had to admit that made me a bit nervous. By my figures she had to be at least 8 years older than me. Not that it matters. I'm 28, and it's not irregular for me to take out girls that much younger than myself, why should it be any differnt the other way around? I still couldn't quite put my finger on what it was about her that just made me smile, but none the less, she did.
I walked out of the study probably with a small smile on my lips. We had agreed to meet for lunch the next day at Mitchell's a quiet, casual eatery here in town. Tay and Ike had both walked in on our conversation at different times with me silently dismissing them. They looked curious, so I knew I was up for the question session when I came out.
Walking into the living room, all heads turned to look at me. Jeez, I thought I'd only have to deal with my nosey brothers.
Walking slowly from my car to Mitchell's, in the warm sun, I had no idea what to talk to her about, but if last nites lengthy conversation was any clue, we'd find something. I got calls from both Ike and Tay this morning. Tay had good news, Jenn was in labor, I was to be an uncle for the fourth time, he rattled on endlessly, I let him, after all it was his first. Ike's call, well Ike's call as you can guess, was just as you would supect. An information seeking mission. I settled down to a table on the back patio near the parking lot, so I could see her approaching and in a quiet corner where hopefully we would remain undisturbed.
Leaning back in the May sun, I smiled to myself about our meeting only yesterday. Footsteps across the patio gave away that she was approaching and I gave up my sun worshipping to look over and find her heading my direction. The overalls and baby blue tee she wore in the market yesterday had suited her just fine, but today, today she looked like a lady. Pulling out her chair and resuming mine I took off my sunglasses.
"So Zac...." Ike starts as everyone still watches my every move. "Forty five minutes on the phone with a female type person?" I just laughed and shook my head. It was time for me to head home. I needed my sleep to be sharp for tommorrow.
"Good nite all,.....Oh, and Ike...?....I won't be in till late afternoon tomorrow, can you forward my calls home...? And with that I left.
"Good to see you Ri, you look beautiful." She smiled and so did my heart.
I was literally shaking. Just think of what would be going through your mind before your first date in nearly 20 years. This is a date, isn't it? I hadn't said anything to Nick or Sarah, they were at school and there was no sense them thinking about this all day.
Myself, however, it was all I could do to sleep, let alone get them off to school without bursting this morning. I ate a good breakfast, didn't want to be too hungry for this, showered, lotioned, primped and perfumed....No way could I ever begin to think I could compete with some of the obvious beauties he has to deal with in his line of work.
A new dress was completely out of the question, or would pants be a better choice? It was close to time to go as I stand in front of the mirror looking at my reflection that doesn't seem to have changed at all since high school. There are the obvious things, a few stretch marks from two pregnancies and I am sure things have drifted south but I can't help but think that I don't feel the 36 years that are my actual age.
Don't ask me why I parked two lots away from the restaurant, maybe in hopes things would go well and a walk back to the car would be nice. I can't get my hopes up that they would. I have absolutely nothing in common with this man, though I find him so attractive and that disturbs me. It's as if I am lusting after this younger man. Is that wrong? I recall a head of golden hair any woman would kill for, broad tanned shoulders peering out from the t shirt straining at his chest. My memory serves me that he is beautiful and he is...sitting at the table across the patio getting up to greet me. Taller than I remember, he pulls off the shades covering his eyes and a smile lights his face.
"Good to see you Ri" I feel a smile creep onto my face and tug at my heart at the same time. "You look beautiful" A charm school graduate, obviously, he pulls out the chair-- men like this don't exist anymore.
~
Her laughter ringing across the patio, as I regale some of the adventures on the road wih the family, makes me feel happy and light. A feeling that I haven't had in much too long. Lunch finished, check paid, we stay and talk for some time more before her noticing that she needs to get going soon to get her daughter from school. As we slowly meander a few blocks down to where she parked we pass a music store. Her taste in music wasn't a topic of discussion that had come up in our time together.
"You have time to go in here for a few?" Looking at her watch she smiled and nodded.
"Now I get to learn the real you..." She regarded me with curiosity as I smirked at her.
"You, sir, will be highly disappointed if you are looking to me for some sort of personal revelation through my taste in music" she nudged me with her elbow and moved toward the new release rack.
I took this time to look quickly through some singles that I had an interest in and the approched her side. Her hands were folded in front of her and she just stood looking. For a joke I had grabbed our most recent release. The cover of the latest album, now nearly a year old, had been Tay's Idea, I personally disliked it, a neoon distorted phot of us, but hey, it was selling well. Tay was the marketing genius, he had proved that over time.
"Hey, I hear these guys are pretty good.." I handed her the package. She took it and looked at it for a moment before my smug laughter made her realize what I had given her. She laughed along with me before admitting it had been quite some time since she had purchased a new recording of anyone.
"I'm sorry Zac, unless you've been played on the local station, I doubt I've even heard your recent stuff. She looked a bit embarrassed, but smiled lightly. She held onto the package and continued our journey through the store, her glancing at her watch ever so often, keeping a close track on the time.
"Zac, it really need to go..." I could tell she didn't want to , that made me feel amazing. The time had been a sucess thus far. She still had the package I had handed her. I took it and proceeded to the register.
Fitting the key in the lock, still quiet, she opened the door to her car but then turned with a small smile.
"Zac, thanks for lunch, I wish....I wish I could stay longer." She had dropped her eyes to the ground as if a bit shy. I stepped closer and touched her arm. Her head snapped up, but she didn't move away.
"Zac, you have to have hundreds of those available to you..." he lilting laugh made my heart jump a beat.
"Yeah, but you have none, I'm getting it for you..."
"No..... Zac...I'd.." her smile faded a bit. "Don't, not that I don't want to hear it... but maybe if you have an old one laying around home somewhere...don't buy it for me..."
This gave me a bit of a start, she says she wants to hear it, but doesn't want me to buy it? I put it down and followed her from the store. She was quiet now and I felt like I had made a wrong move. Was it too fast for me to buy her something, did she really want it?
" I wish you could too..." Her eyes met mine for a split second before darting away. I knew that a kiss would be more than innappropriate, but I could wish coudn't I? I chose to gently squeeze her arm where my hand lay and reach up quickly with a touch to her cheek. I stepped back, stuffed both hands in my pockets.
"I'll call, soon..." her whole face lit up as if the thought of seeing each other again wasn't an option that she had considered. I heard the engine start as I turned and started back towards where I had parked.