(Chapter 10 through 13)
"A new experience can kind of make you nervous, but once you get out there, it's no big deal"- Isaac
"A new experience can kind of make you nervous, but once you get out there, it's no big deal"- Isaac
His warm full lips were running the length of my neck and back up to my lips. I could feel his strong arms around me and his body halfway draped over mine. His hands, almost as warm as his lips rested on my hips pulling me closer to him. His tan chest was strong and beautiful, I watched as he raised himself to move further over me, I wanted this, I could feel it, I wanted this more than I ever had.
I sat up quickly in bed and looked to each side. Zac wasn't there. This wasn't the first time I had this dream, each time slightly different, but still as pleasurable, none the less.
I felt a slight chill on my body as I pulled back the covers. Some warm milk is what I needed to return me to my sleep.
No, I hadn't told Zac of these dreams. I am far to shy to take something like this to him. It, our relationship, was headed for this next level, that little reundevous at his mom's was not the last time things had been taken a step further. It actually had been happening more and more often, I could tell Zac was just waiting for the green light to proceed further.
I turned on the small light over the sink and started the milk warming. Looking at the phone, I thought how nice it would be to hear his voice. His sleepy voice was one of the things that I found such a turn on about him. Reaching for the phone, I heard a noise in the hall. Sarah appearing in the doorway.
"What are you doing up?" I queried, looking at the clock finding it 2:40 in the morning.
"I should be asking you that," she responded with a small smile. " I heard noise and was wondering what you were up to..."
Pouring each of us a mug of the frothy warm milk and adding just a touch of the homemade vanilla from the bottle in the window sill, we took to the couch snuggling under the throw.
"This is nice." I looked at her and realized it had been far too long since we had taken the time for one of our talks.
" I met this guy today..." This took me aback a bit, Sarah had very rarely mentioned boys. All of her friends were what you might classify as boy crazy, but not her. Sarah has always rather played with the boys than chased them, but this was a good sign, I actually had been wondering when this would happen.
"He's so nice, mom, and Kerri says he likes me." she got a pink blush to her cheeks when she said this. "He came over and they all immeadiatly disappeared. I was so embarrassed, but we spent the rest of the break talking."
"So, do you like him?" The house was chilly and I pulled the throw tighter around us.
"...yeah, I kind of do, I think. I mean I like feel all silly when he's around, and I spent the rest of the day thinking about him." I could tell by the look on her face, that this indeed was her first serious crush. I remember mine well. He looked just like her.
~
It's late, nearly 3 am, but I can't seem to make myself sleep. I am still having the battle within as to whether to tell Ri about mom. I don't need to, but then the reasonable side tells me that if I let her continue to think the way she has been, I will be in some hot water if she ever finds out.
We have been to the house two more times. This last time, I thought there might be progress. Ri sat at the counter with my mom laughing and grating cheese for the casserole topping that nite.
I was lighter than I had been in the two weeks since the prior discussion with mom, and I thought that mom had finally realized that Ri was as special as I knew she was. It wasn't until later when I crossed paths with mom upstairs that I found I was wrong.
She walked towards me in the hall. I smiled and held my arms out for a hug. She obliged, warmly. My mom gives the best hugs.
"I knew you would love her when you got to know her." I whispered into her hair that was still damp underneath and smelled that mommy smell. She pulled away a bit stiffly.
"Zac, she's a very nice woman, but I don't approve, and I don't think I ever can. I'm just making the best of a bad situation." My heart sunk from it's highest high to it's lowest low. I actually had to wait a few minutes before heading back to see Ri. I don't cry, but I almost felt like I might. It stung to walk back into the kitchen and look at mom and Ri sitting there as if nothing was wrong.
The movie I thought I had been watching had gone off a while ago and Ron Popeil was advertising some home dry cleaning system. Sheesh, at that price you could take a heck of alot of shirts to the dry cleaners...
I looked over at the phone, then at the clock, 2:45 am. I wanted so bad to call and blurt out the whole sordid story to her, but it wasn't fair. This was my problem and I would handle it .
~
"Is that how it feels mom, to really like someone?" The questions were starting to come many years before this, but they were the normal. What is... queries. This was the end of things, the feelings, that got sticky.
"It can, it can also just be a gradual realization, too, though. The silly goofy love is wonderful. It makes you happy and you smile, a lot." I wanted to try and explain the love that her father and I had was the slow realization. Zac, well with Zac, things felt like I was on a roller coaster that just kept speeding up every time you wanted it to slow down. I smile, a lot, too.
"Do you feel silly and goofy with Zac, mom?" I knew she would ask this and I knew it would be tonight.
"Yes, a lot of times I do, but other times, I feel like he is my best friend too."
"That's what I want mom, I want the guy I feel all goofy over to be my best friend. I want him to feel goofy stupid over me too though." She hugged me and struggled out from under the blanket, kissing the top of my head and padding off down the hall to her room.
Goofy stupid, I liked that, that was a good description of puppy love. But... can you be in love for real and be in puppy love too? And can you be in puppy love at 36 with 2 kids and the object of the affection 8 years younger. I drifted off to sleep under the warm throw only to awaken several hours later and crawl into bed just an hour before the alarm was to ring.
~
It's like an automatic alarm clock in your head, love that is. I am up early again, waiting for a decent hour to call her. Just to hear her voice. The phone rings and startles me from the paper that I was only thinking I was reading. My thoughts were elsewhere, far, far away.
"Morning..." comes the sweet voice. it's her, it's her...my heart dances. She called me. What a wonderful thing to make my day.
"What a nice surprise! I was just counting the minutes until I could call you. You must have your chores done early.."
"Well, that's what I was calling for actually." This is a good thing.
"I have to go to Bartlesville and pick up papers for the doctor, he needs them for the billing that I have to do for him next week." She pauses then continues. " I don't have to be back for the kids either, Their aunt is picking them up and then they are spending the nite with her. If you'd like to join me I'm yours for a whole day and evening, sound good?"
Sound good? No, this sounded great. No time constraints, no feelings of doubt on her part for leaving the kids. Life couldn't get much better.
"Bartlesville it is, I'll pick you up in...how about a half hour?" My mind was reeling. Thoughts of a night that was spent at a small Inn near the edge of that small town up north, came rushing back. I didn't want them to, the ones that would follow would be much too painful.
Several years back, this situation had repeated itself. Tess, she was one of the ones that had come close. We fit together like a pair of gloves, but sadly, I got cold feet, there was something, just something, I just had this premonition that it would never work. We had spent a night at that Inn, it was beautiful. A night I'd love to repeat with Ri, but my thoughts rushed back immeadiatly to the conversation about commitment we had not more than just weeks before. I think I am ready. About her, I'm not sure.
The glow that the orange neon light sheds on him as he stood at the ATM made him look
like an angel, more of an angel that he already was. His hand reached back and
smoothed his ponytail as he waited for the money machine to dispense. He turned
looked at me and winked, almost imperceivably, but it sent a shiver from my heart
right though my toes.
What a day we had. The drive through the countryside, a long drawn out conversation
about what was better, perception of reality, or reality itself, you know, one of
those philosophy class discussions, but it seemed so much better when had with Zac.
It was near noon when we got into the small antiquated town, I knew there was a more
modern side to it, but this picturesque main street was right out of the movies.
My eyes fluttered open to a bluish purple haze in the sky above. Starting to move, I
discovered that Zac was fully asleep on my arm, peaceful was an understatement to how
this man looked when asleep. The air had taken on a chill and I noticed that he had
goosebumps on his arms making the blond course hair stand on end.
I touched he tops of the hairs gently wanting to awaken him with no luck. So the next
course of action was to gently hold his nose. He awoke with a start and what I thought
was a small swear, his face going from shock and broadening into a big grin. Bringing
my chin towards him gently and softly kissed my lips. At first, that is. Pulling me
further towards him he lay me down half atop him in a most uncompromising position. I
wanted to struggle, but you can guess exactly how long that train of thought lasted.
I really am not sure how long we stayed on the plaid blanket atop the cliff, but the sun
seemed to be going fast. Another step had been taken today and the evening was still young.
~*~
There are times when , I admit, I am fully ready to curse the gods for my existance.
Today, however, was not one of them. I am scared however, terrified actually.
I talk with my brothers, alot. I bet we discuss things than most guys, yet brothers,
don't dare tread upon. Or if they do, in a much more lewd manner. I often asked them,
what made them know, how did they pick their wives. They couldn't give me any pat answer,
they just said, 'you will know'.
See, that's what scares me here, and this isn't the heat of passion, although that doesn't
hurt any. I've had a few other serious girls, girls that would have made perfect wives, girls that the heat of passion was great with too. With the others there was always *some* lingering flicker of doubt. But there wasn't that feeling here.
It seemed to have fallen dusk early. I could see the flicker of the fireflies darting around
us, and the smells of the evening were intoxicating. We gathered things in silence, enjoying
the sunset and the sense of just being with one another.
I tried to watch her profile as she quietly stared out in to the blue-purple that was slowly
becoming evening. I wanted to know what she was thinking, but at the same time couldn't bear
to break into her thought pattern and pull her away from that serene look on her face.
I covered her hand that lay on the seat with mine as we drove. She looked over at me, kissed
her two finger tips and lay them gently on my lips.
"Where are we headed?" her voice broke the silence in the car for the first time.
"That's for you to decide" I answered, hoping that our evenng was merely just beginning.
She looked down, in thought I guess.
"I want to see your house". Her reply was quiet, almost thoughtful.
I chuckled slightly and her head shot up. She looked nervous. I squeezed her hand gently and
shook my head.
~*~
He was nervous, maybe this was a step out of line. Bu really, I did want to see where he
lived, it would fill in a lot of little details for me. I feel like I know this man inside
out, but I am sure that I have just scratched the surface.
He joked, saying he hopes I did laundry. With Zac, joking around is a defense mechanism.
Now I am curious.
There was no long drive, no gates to announce the entrance. It was unassuming from the
outside, almost an average home in appearance, but in a much nicer than average neighborhood.
In fact if I'm not wrong, we aren't too far from his parents home.
Perspiration was coating my palms, I guess I'm more apprehensive than I really thought.
the garage door seemed to have been moving in slow motion, then the hours seem to pass before
Zac opened my door. His smile was weak, almost apologetic. I can only wonder why.
"I'm kinda embarrassed.." he said quietly, his head down as he fumbled for his keys.
I took his hands in mine, although they were nine sizes bigger, it stopped the fumbling with
the keys.
"Now why would you be embarassed"? I laughed lightly, hoping to shed a lighter tone on the
moment.
"It's...It's just that your home is, it's a home, when I come back to mine after spending
time with you, at your house, it seems so...cold." He looked like he was six and admitting
to the crime of the century.
I stepped back one step.
"Zac, if you don't want to...I'll understand. We can go to my house...my laundry's done."
That broke the tension, we both snorted with laughter as he opened the door escorting me
into his male domain.
~*~
Hey, I'm a good housekeeper, believe it or not. Yeah, there was breakfast dishes in the
sink, and load of laundry on the bed. I only made in through the one load when she called,
and I'm not going to turn down a day with her to sit home and sort laundry.
What I am worried about is what she will pick up about me from being in the house. She's
perceptive. That is one thing I know about her.
After spending time in her home, is always a letdown to come back here. I can't seem to find
that feeling, that sense of home that she has.
She stands silent by the back of the couch running her fingers over the leather. I turn on
the lights from the switch by the door, she seems surprised as an amber glow settles over the
room.
I become embarrassed all over again when her eyes settle on the print on the oopposite wall.
I actually feel like kicking myself.
I got dibs on the Warhol that was done of my brothers and I when we were in our heyday.
I really liked the print, but it seemed rather conceitied having a 4 foot high picture of
yourself on your own wall.
I can see her eyes settle on it, even with her back to me.
"um...that's kind of embarrassing, but Ike and Tay's wives wouldn't let either of them have
it."
"Why.." she says in a low voice, "it's wonderful...how come you never told me?"
There she goes again, surprising the hell out of me.
"You like Warhol"?
Her with all her flowers and herbs and sensible plaid sofas.
"I'm not a hick, Zac, I bet you have a lot to learn about me." She smirks and hits my
shoulder moving by me to finger things piece by piece. I hear a shreik of laughter and
turn to see her looking at the dirtbike parked in the entry hall.
Oops.
I have to admit, Zac's house has totally taken me by surprise, it's not what I expected from him at all.
~*~
She keeps pulling one thing after another out of the hat, I think she is doing this just to keep me on my feet. Not that I minded, a beer is just what I had been wanting all afternoon as well.
This chapter rated "R"
I can feel him start to stir, gentle movements, but in Zac's big gentle way. The thoughts are screaming through my head at the speed of light. Should I stay awake? Should I pretend to still be asleep? But the biggest of all, morning breath.
I feel his soft warm hands touch my hair ever so gently. It's all too sweet and I slip open my eys, trying to look like I've been sleeping for the past half hour instead of laying there awake, panicking inside.
A smile can't help come to my face as I look into his chocolate brown eyes first thing in the morning.
"Good morning.."
"Hi...um..where am I?" I let my eyes drift around the room slowly, knowing that it's a bedroom, and more than likely his bedroom.
"My room, I couldn't wake you, you were sleeping like and angel. I do have to apologize though, I meant to go out and sleep on the couch, but I was watching you sleep and drifted off myself."
He moves slightly and brings his lips to my forehead for a gentle kiss. You know that term 'to swoon'? I always thought it was ridiculous, but now I know why you could use it.
I sit up slowly to see if the pounding head is there still, indeed it is. Putting my fingers to my brow I massage.
"How much did we drink last night?" I wondered out loud.
Taking my hands from my brow, he replaces them with his and gently massages my temples.
"Well we polished a six pack off.." He kind of chuckles as he says this.
"Wow, I can sure hold my alchohol can't I?" I return with a slightly apologetic smile.
He moves his warm soft hands down to my neck, shivers run the full length of my body and I realize...I gotta go. Now.
"Um...where's the.." He just points to an opening across the room.
Running my fingers through my hair, I wonder what I'll find when I see myself in the mirror I am almost sure to come across in there. The fact that I am a good morning person is the only hope I hold out as I pass through the opening to find the most amazing bathroom I have ever seen.
It's a whole other room, but it's just a bathroom, I laugh a little thinking it's about the same size as my living room. Turning to face the mirror I realize I got off lucky, no smeared makeup, not much left either, but there's been worse days.
Relieved, I wet my fingers and run them through my hair, after a little toothpaste on my finger, I am prepared to face him again. I smile with that thought.
Flat on his stomach sprawled cross-wise across the king size bed, I have to laugh, he looks in worse shape than me.
"You look worse off than me.." I sit gingerly on the edge of the bed. One eye peers at me from under the mane of hair.
Looking at me as if to ask permission, he kisses me again a bit more gentle, but in a manner that I can tell is heading somewhere. That somewhere, I'm not sure, but I am liking the road there.
Moving me closer to him with one pull from his big arm that is slung around my waist, I end up laying side by side with him. My thoughts begin to run ahead of what I am ready for in reality, making it hard for me to keep reality under control.
This is when I suddenly realize, maybe I don'twant to keep this under control? Maybe this is okay to feel this way. Maybe I can be a woman again and feel these feelings again and it's okay.
Zacs warm lips on my neck and nibbling at my shoulder blades isn't helping the issue much. My body is responding to him in ways that are feeling wonderful, feelings that only my sordid dreams have caused thus far.
A hand running the length of my body in a slow deliberate slide, down and back up again,stops just above my waist. I can almost sense his hesitation as I feel his tenative thumb brush against my breast, the shock of sexual realization shoots through my body like have been hit by lightening and with his lips on mine I plunge my tounge back at his urging him on further.
Moving his hand up to fully cover me, I hear a small sigh of satisfaction from him. He breaks away from me and pecks my lips once again quickly looking at me as if for more permission. His permission comes from my lips, perhaps in the most fufilling kiss we have had. All the time I am aware that my loose blouse is losing buttons one by one.
~*~
I always feel this need to explain my actions, maybe that comes from being a middle child that is able to be blamed for everything that happens, whether it's my fault or not.
Ri brings out a need in me to make sure she knows I am being honest and forthright in every move I make. When she awoke, she looked a bit paniked, but now, she either is hiding it, or she is handling it well.
Now I have another issue to deal with completely. I am realizing just how deep my feelings for this woman are and I have to wonder if she holds anywhere close to the same feelings for me. Yes, this morning many of these feeling were of a nature that I am having a hard time controlling, but I can only hope that she is feeling anywhere close to what I am.
Gone much longer than just to go to the bathroom as she indicated, I know that she is either climbing out the window and trying to escape, or trying to gather herself and make herself what she feels is presentable. What she doesn't know is that she is much more attractive just as she woke up, natural and innocent.
My heart, among other feelings, surge when she returns from the bathroom. I could tell she attempted to fix herself, but she still is natural and beautiful.
I can't even think what made me pull her down with me, it's not something I intentionally planned on doing, it just happened. There we were, locked in a kiss that was telling her exactly what I was feeling at that moment. I'm not sure when and how I pulled her to me, this passion had been there before, but I hadn't yet had this urgent of feelings to let her know just how I felt about her.
It was at the same moment, that I unconciously decided to push things a little futher than I had previously, that I could feel her body almost melt into mine and her respond in a purely physical way. Another rush surged through my body and things were fast on there way to spinning out of my control.
It was as if things were in slow motion when I saw one, then two buttons from her blouse roll onto the bed in my line of sight, then I felt her hot, delicate palms sliding up against my bare back .
I adjusted my position to keep my excitement conceled from her, I actually wanted to take a breath and look at her, but then I felt her body once again slip closer into the mold of the two of us, as I moved my leg to once again attempt to conceal my excitement from her, she pulled in closer. At this point there was nothing left to hide.
After I moved my leg I felt her body move yet closer to mine . Her lips were locked with mine at that moment and I could feel her pause, just momentarily, and then return to our passion.
It was a slow realization, probably because my mind had been busy with other thoughts that, aside from her small lacy bra, we were in full skin to skin contact. I wrapped her tighter in my arms, not wanting any of this feeling to stop anytime soon. I took one hand and ran it back over her breasts and down her side, she fairly shivered with the sensation.
Our bodies were melded together, and the only other thing separting us was my sweats and her thin pants. I deliberatly pushed my fingers into the elastic waist of her pants, willing her to tell me consiously or unconciously to go further. Our mouths ceased their struggle with each other and she moved her forhead to my shoulder with quicked breaths.
"Zac.." was the only breathy sigh I heard from her. I stopped exactly where I was and raised my eyes to her.
"Please.." was her only other sigh.
I raised her chin to look in her eyes and gain the answer to the question, I was surprised to only find tenderness and passion.
"...Love you Ri.." I breathed, just with a bare whisper and resumed our fervent kissing knowing that she indeed felt the same for me as I did for her.
~Eleven~
As the amber glow of the wall sconces light up the living area, not only at I blown away by his choice of furniture, but by the Warhol of he and his brothers, larger than life.
I run my fingers over the buttery soft leather of the couch, it felt like it should be clothing rather than a sofa, while he stutteringly apologizes for what he sees to be a faux paux in decorating taste on his part.
"It's wonderful." I tell him in earnest. "How come you never told me?"
He' surprised,evidently, not only that I know who Warhol is, but that I seem to like it.
"You like Warhol?"
"I'm not a hick Zac, I bet you have alot to learn about me." I gently hit his shoulder as I look at each item he has laid out on tables and shelves.
Wandering up two steps into what must be the main front entry I almost run dead into the muddiest, most filthy dirtbike parked proudly dead center in the hall. I can't help but let out a small whoop of laughter.
"And this is your finest piece of art yet I presume by it's stance in the main hall?" I look at him with one eyebrow cocked, a look that he is so fond of giving me.
..Well, uh, I was going to get to that today when you called..." his voice trailed off. "You want somthing to drink?"
Here goes another surprise for him.
"Actually you know what I have been wanting all afternoon?" I look a bit sheepish.
"What?" He askes casually over his shoulder while peering into the fridge.
"A nice cold beer."
I wait for his reaction. Although it doers seem to happen too fast. He closes the fridge and turns around with a small grin on his face.
"I'll assume this is one of those things that I have yet to learn about you." He walks up to me, a bit too close, with his hands behind his back.
"Good, cause I could use one too." He produces two green bottles from behind his back.
I settle into the sofa with him by my side. It's been too long, way too long.
Granted, Dan and I didn't have creamy leather sofas, and also granted, we could rarely afford such a luxury as imported beer, but this was always one of our favorite ways to finish off a relaxing day together.
Our conversation drifted, from one thing to another. as the time ticked by. I remember the clock reading midnight at one point, and I remember another beer or two. What I don't remember is how or when I made it into a bed that is not my own.
My first revelation that I am not at home is the sun glinting off a goldish ceilinhg, my ceiling at home is green, not gold, the other sign would be that here is a large blond man sleeping beside me on this bed.
Slowly I pick my head up off the pillow, a pounding resounds from deep inside my temporal region. I lay it back down quickly to relieve the pain. Suddenly I realize what has happened. Oh no, I got drunk and passed out in Zac's house
At the same moment Zac stirs from beside me, well at least he's on top of the covers, and...I lift the covers to look, I still have my clothesfrom last nite on.
I didn't often bring the women I dated to my house, at least not until we were pretty serious about a commitment. I don't think Ri and I are to that point just yet, but I think we are on the road to it.
This is the type of evening that could possibly bring us closer in fact. Just sitting, we talked, happened upon a movie that was just starting, so we watched that. Popcorn, beer and the leftovers from earlier in the day.
It all was coming to a close and I knew I'd have to be getting her home soon, but that was a thought I was having a hard time coming to terms with, considering she had her head laying on my lap while I stroked her hair, we were just talking about assorted different things. She was being very open about the kids, her marriage and her family. I began to think with as relaxed as we were, this might be a good time to tell her just a little bit about mom, broach the subject so to speak.
I laid my head back to try and figure out how I was going to get this right. Telling her just enough to let on, but also just enough not to let on completely. It was just then that I felt her breathing pattern get heavier. She had fallen asleep.
Don't laugh at me, but I am taking this as a sign that this wasn't the right time to tell her. I gently got up, placing her head on the couch, she was not only just asleep, she was dead asleep. I stood just watching her chest rise and fall for a few moments before deciding what to do. I didn't want to just leave her here on the sofa like and uninvited guest to wake up by herself, but then again if I take her to the bedroom she might wake up and think something else. I knew I should have put furniture in that guest room.
I pushed the load of laundry off the bed onto the floor and pulled the covers open. I'll let her have the bed and I'll take the couch was my final decision in the matter. I picked her up, still dead asleep and took her down the hall to my room, a room that she had not ventured into yet. Putting her in the covers, I realized that I had carried her effortlessly from the other room, I think Zoe is heavier than her.
I couldn't help but think how beautiful she was laying there in my bed and I lay down beide her pushing her hair away from her face. I wonder how it feels to have someone this beautiful to wake up to every morning?
I feel like crying and laughing all at the same time. I'd love to just move over a foot and curl right up into his arms and chest, but I have to answer.
"You don't look bad at all." A sly grin overtakes his face as he grabs my waist and pulls me down to his level. Giving me a very purposeful kiss, I realize...that Zac is a morning person after all.
"Please, stop?" I questioned her quietly and removed my hands from it's path.