I'm sitting on the front porch tonight with a glass of wine, watching the first summer storm unroll through the sky like a wet electric blanket. We've needed a storm for a few months, so I welcome the gray sky and the low rumbles of thunder. With a pause, the air suddenly feels charged with electrons and the rain falls, the drips coloring the pathway to the porch.

I leave my post on the porch and retreat to the serenity of my home. It's been 42 days of thoughts and dreams, all seem to include him. Maybe I am thinking too much, thinking the passion right out of it. He's been gone, "on the road" in musician speak, but now that he's due back any moment- I feel as anxious and hesitant as some of our first times together.

He calls, every other day or so. Some calls, he's distracted with business-but others, he has nothing else on his mind but me - or us. We talked for hours before he left, he was worried that I would lose myself in the daily routine and not have time for him when he returned. It had happened to him before-and not just once.

Reassuring him I wouldn't phase him out in a six week period seemed to comfort him enough, but still his concerns surfaced in a few calls.

"Did you think about me today?" a familiar deep voice would say when I picked up the phone. Shivers run through me involutarily,

"Did I think of you...hmmmmm..." I laugh softly and turn up the volume on the TV. His beautiful laugh escapes him. DVD is a wonderful thing.

I can honestly say I have seen him grow up now. His library had slowly made it's way piece by piece into my TV cabinet, either by him or Sarah, for one reason or another. Until these past weeks I hadn't taken time to sit down and get to know him in that way. When I had him at arms length, humming in the car, his arms around me - I didn't need to know more than the Zac I knew. With his absence, I set a goal, to get to know the Zac the rest of the world knew.

Indeed I have....and more.

*~*

Sometimes I have to remind myself to breathe. I feel like I see her everywhere, leaning against an entrance, a face in the crowd. It's not those times necessarily- I can being involved in random details of work, or even on stage. I can feel her hand absently touch the tiny hairs upon the nape of my neck or her fingertips brush along along my lower back. It's like a flash of lightning

Not withstanding showtimes, I call after these vivid feelings stir. My hope is that she is carrying the same thoughts and feelings, though my immature fears are that her life keeps her from them. She has so much else in her life, so much more than me. Sometimes I feel like all I have is her.

"...of couse I did.." she reassures me with her voice low, there must be others near. This ends where I wanted to go with this call.

"Are you back at the hotel already or still at the venue- did you play my song tonight?" I laugh. She has proclaimed Strong Enough to Break her song - she says it speaks to her life. Ike and Taylor were surprised when I pulled a song that old out of the archives, I didn't tell them why.

"..not tonight, I'll make sure we do if you'll ever come to a show." Something she had yet to do.

We had been dating for almost 8 months now, the fervor went up and down. After the first weeks where we couldn't see enough of each other even on a daily basis. Now our time together is longer periods, but not every day. I'd rather have it both ways, every day, all day, but this is where those fears work their way into my thoughts; the fear that with all she has, she won't need me as much as I need her.

Our emotional relationship has been growing by leaps and bounds. I feel like I know her as part of me.... but since that fateful morning the depth of our physical closeness has limits - limits I think Ri has been fearful to move past again.

We've weathered the family issue with a fair about of ease, her family and I have grown into a easy relationship. The kids are there when they are there - and when they aren't, we can be a couple- that's how she feels the most ease. She comes to the family dinners, not always, but if I didn't know any better, I would say she has come to terms with Mom - but I know better. My mother the consumate politician.

This time it did matter. The dress, yep, that dress, the one that almost caused me to loose him before we ever got past our first month, was still neatly tucked beneath the tissue in a box in the top of the closet. I pulled it from beneath the layers, with the innocent tag still dangling from it's seam. I sighed.

"It's time...I think." I mutter to myself absently.

All the while supressing a small tremor inside at the excitement and probable nervousness of Zac's return after six weeks of absence.

Six weeks of women throwing themselves and other assorted items at him, six weeks of separation that we both agreed we wanted to try. Six weeks that is going to challenge my commitment to myself. A commitment I am feeling may be broken soon.

I wanted to go, like any girlfriend would want to, but the logistics of uprooting my life, job and kids to travel to one of the shows on the road, just wasn't feasible.

So, it's down to this. He returns today. In 2 hours and 15 minutes his plane lands at the Tulsa International Airport and Zac Hanson, rockstar, will blow back into my quiet, ordinary life.

The homecoming show is tonight. This will be the first time I've seen him in his world, seen it in person that is. Is this the occasion for the aforementioned dress? My thoughts are still spinning when I hear Sarah behind me.

"Nervous, Mom?" She gives me a look of concern, but a glimmer of excitement is underneath.

I'm sure that was a rhetorical question.

"Are you excited?" I ask back. That, too, a rhetorical question. "You look very nice.." I gulp wanting to take that back. Never tell a teenage girl she looks nice.

"New dress?" she asks while tucking and untucking, closing, then reopening a button.

"Actually, no. Zac gave it to me sometime back." Her eyes go wide for a moment, then a smile. I think she realized just which dress this is.

I've had time with Diana in a few instances this last month. I don't have to try, she is easy to like. One of the only personal tidbits she has managed to confide to me, is how much she misses her boys. Even grown, with their own lives, I think she still looks at them as her little boys. I am beginning to relate.

My thoughts wander back to the dress. I finger the fabric, silently wondering if Zac is adept enough to know what this means, for that matter to even notice at all or am I putting a deeper meaning into wearing his gift that I should?

*~*

Taking the last gulp of my coffee, I close the book I have been trying to read for the last hour. I haven't progressed beyond three pages as my thoughts keep wandering to Ri. This absence has been difficult on both of us and on our relationship, even with as comfortable and close as we had grown.

As difficult as it's been, it's been good for us to be apart, good for me to focus on my job and good to know that Ri ad I are heading towards love, if we aren't there already. I don't what else could have maintained our intense closeness even in our absence from one another.

Looking at my watch, I tap it thinking that it doesn't seem to even be working. Almost at the same time I can feel the engines on the jet change and the small seatbelt lights flicker slightly, then come to full brightness. "Home, were almost home." I was talking to myself, but Taylor answers.

"Rough one this time, huh?" More of a statement than a response.

"Will she be at the airport?" His eyes are closed, head back. It's been several weeks for him as well, it's tough to travel with the baby.

"Nah, you know Ri, she seems to want to stay as far away from the occupational thing as possible." I pause, with the thought that she'll be at the show tonight. A charge of excitement runs through me like lightening. Again, I glance at my watch.

Six weeks is a long time.

~*~

The dress isn't working - I pull it off and toss it on the bed, reclaiming the original outfit I had chosen. Much younger - I reason - more concert appropriate. I stand staring in the mirror for an extended period, not thinking at all about the issue of the clothes choice, but more about seeing him again for the first time in so many weeks. I guess I must have really been lost in thought because i was startled to look again and find Michelle doubled with my reflection in the mirror.

"Whose clothes are those?" She smirked, "Sarah's?"

I couldn't tell what her meaning behind the comment was, but looking back at our reflection, I see that it was meant exactly as it sounded. I didn't look like me. But wasn't that what I wanted?...or was it.

I flopped down in the lavender chenille chair along side my bed - lowering my head.

"I can't, he's landing soon, he's back and I'm ...me." My voice flat, not even directing it to anyone but myself.

I had a huge ball or nerves in my throat, this was worse, by far, than our first date.

"Well..." Michelle starts with her big sister logical voice. "...The way I see it is that he's probably just as nervous."

She picks up the dress I carelessly threw on the bed. "What's wrong with this?" I'm sure I had told her, she just didn't know it was "that" dress.

"That's the dress..." I say quietly. "She looks confused for a moment, then the light comes on.

"Oh." She's quiet for a moment. "...and this is the first time you'd be wearing it?" I just nod.

I'm making way too big a deal of this I decide, Even though the dress is a huge symbol to me, to him, it's nothing. He's never mentioned it again, he's given me small gifts, notes and on one occasion poetry since then.

"Well, the way I see it.." she pauses. "If it means something to you, it'll mean something to him. He's intuative, Ri, if nothing else. I swear, Zac is the most sensitive straight man I know." I laugh out loud, leave it to Michelle to break the tension.

*~*

I feel like running as I break into the open space of the airport. This is when it sucks to be home, no one looking after you, picking up the luggage, pulling up in a warm car outside the airport doors. I make my way to the luggage turnstile via a group of fans - they disperse after an autograph and some small comments of thanks. No wonder, there's Taylor and Ike, bring up the rear.

Glad that my luggage is some of the first off, I turn and raise a hand to them letting them know I'll catch up to them later today. In the taxi, I close my eyes and lean back. Realizing I haven't let her know we've landed, I pat pockets until I find the phone.

two, three rings...I wonder where she is...."Hello?" Sarah out of breath answers.

"Hey hon, it's Zac.." Her familiar voice is nice.

"Zac!...You're back? ...MOM!..Zac's back!. Do you have to go right to the show?" she sounds excited, or should I say more excited than usual.

"Nope, I'm headed home right now - Where's your mom?" I'll have time to catch up and chat with her in the following days, right now I want Ri. Almost on cue I hear her voice.

"Hi Zac..you're back?" The lilt in her voice is different, I can feel that we are near, both of us knowing we'll see each other soon.

[Chapter 20...and more]

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