Sometimes it's like I don't even exist
Even God has lost track of my soul
Why else would he leave me
Out here like this
To wander this world all alone
~Jonny Lang~ Wander This World~.
They have evidence, they say enough to charge him." Christopher's face was ashen as he sat at the kitchen table explaining to us what had gone on at the jail. Dad had come home soon after I arrived, telling us nothing. They wouldn't tell him anything.
My heart sinks as Christopher sounds defeated before this even starts, but so it stands, my little brother in jail for at least three days.
"Can we see him?" I can't seem to picture myself sitting down at one of those booths and talking to Tay through a phone and an inch of glass, I am sure he would need to see one of us, but it would be very hard to see him.
"And worse yet, when is the press gonna know?" That meant not only lock down for Tay, but for us as well. Mom went to the window and peeked out throught the curtains, she hadn't said even one word since we told her. She is a strong woman, but everyone has their breaking point. I genuinely hope this won't be hers.
"Unfortunatly, they will know by toinight more than likely, I have put in a request for a gag order to the judge, but seeing as it's almost the weekend, it may not get through. I have a feeling that you won't get any police cooperation either for here, seeing as the situation."
It had been strangely serene at the house since Friday. No reporters, no fans, nothing. I woke up this morning with start, looked at the clock, thinking I may have overslept. Zac and I were going to the jail this morning for visitors hours, only two were allowed at a time, so dad told us to go, and he would go later.
Christopher had been to the jail several times already. There was evidence and it was damning. Blood evidence, they had it in her house and now in Zac's car, the car Taylor was driving the nite she disappeared and the nite a witness gave testimony that she saw him fighting with her and force her into the car. But he kept assuring us that with no body, they had nothing to go on.
Thirty Two
She never takes the ring off, I sit holding her hand looking at the ring, and thinking about how great things were when I gave her this. We were just about to leave, Bonnie was still with us, Taylor couldn't have even thought that this is what the near furture had in store for him. Now everything is such a mess. All I wanted to do was just hold her tight and never leave this spot.
The thud of the paper hitting the garage door, which is actually the wall above our heads, tells me it is time to start getting it together, Ike and I are off to go see Tay this morning, I hope I can do this.
Lacey stirred at the sound of the paper and looked up at me. A slow smile spread over her face as she stretched. I pulled the warm blankets up to our necks and snuggled down into them and pulled her close.
The nite we came home we had spent hours talking about all the thought and feelings that we were having. I told her about my talk with Taylor and Ike, ugh, leaving out certain details as I had promised Tay. The time I was gone was good, she had time to think, I had time to think and we both agreed that the things Ike had told me were worth it in the long run. We have another time with Dan scheduled for this short period I am home, but now with all this mess, it might again have to be postponed, as will many of our dates in Europe depending on tomorrows outcome.
Not wanting to be the one to break the morning warmth and get up, she finally did. I watched her run outside quickly in her flannel Eeyore pajama's she adores and then slip back in quickly with the paper. It was nearly a Sunday morning ritual to snuggle in bed and read the paper. We settled down back in the blankets together and opened the paper, only to see the front page photos of Taylor, Bonnie, and officers dragging the river. we read the headline article horrified...
Taylor Hanson, Pop Star,
Early Friday morning, Taylor Hanson, middle brother of the pop trio Hanson, was arrested on murder charges in the case of the missing woman from Tulsa, Bonnie De la Garza.
De la Garza, missing for 4 weeks, was a coach at the local high school, and a student at ORU. Early reports indicate that Hanson and De la Garza were romatically linked in a relationship and having difficulties that led to a break up shortly before her disappearance. Witnesses claim that Hanson was last seen taking De la Garza forcibly from her house on the evening of her disappearance. Other evidence cooroberates these findings.
Jordan Taylor Hanson, primarily known by his middle name Taylor, currently in the middle of a world promotional tour for their new album that hit stores a little over a month ago, is in custody in the Tulsa county jail pending and evidenciary hearing, Monday, to determine if bail will be set. Police, family and friends have refused comment on the situation.
Ike met me halfway throught the kitchen as I shoved the paper in his face. His face matched the feeling that was settling in my stomach at that very moment, Kate was close on his heels and pushed me aside as Lacey fell through the door struggling to get her last shoe pulled on.
Thirty Three
I refused my 45 minutes of 'yard time" they called it, yesterday and I am sure I will today as well. I don't think that I could stand to see that there was an outside world carrying on without me. It's fine, I have my thoughts, as grim as they may be to keep me company.
I have gone over it a thousand times, first with the police in those very first days after she disappeared. Then with Dad, and Ike and Zac as well. Now I have been over every minute detail of those last hours with Christopher probably 25 times. Nothing is different, No detail stands out in my mind, nothing that could possibly have put me in this situation I now sit in.
The greatest fear in my mind is that all the circumstancial evidence that has reared it's ugly head, Marjie and her nosiness, the blood from Bonnie's cut foot that nite at the river and who knows what other bits and pieces of my life that will be twisted to make me look like the murderer I am accused of being.
I have very little to hang onto right now. They won't let me have a pen or pencil in here, but thanks to the Gideons, I have a bible, yeah, just what I need, words on paper to bring me comfort. The God that my parents and pastor has taught me about my whole life would never put me through this...never. I throw the bible againt the door of the cell, as the speaker on the door let's out a buzz, announcing the arrival of either more inedible food or a guard taking me to another room for more quality conversation with Christopher.
Even better yet, Issac and Zac are here to see me. "15 minutes" the man in the uniform tells me as he open the door to the empty room. I feel odd walking to the middle of the dimly lit room painted the same drab tan color as the cold concrete walls of my tiny cell. Through a door on the other end Ike and Zac walk, with the door slamming shut behind them. We both stand still for a moment before I break into a jog to greet to them.
Our contact in a giant hug lasts what sems like forever, then realizing I have only minutes more left before once again being relagated back to my 6 X 6 accomodations so generously provided for me by the state of Okalahoma.
"Is there life out there?" I tenuously ask Ike..."and how's mom and dad holding up? The kids, do they know?" the questions spilled out all in a jumble, but I had to know. It was mom I was most worried about.
" 2 minutes" came the voice from the speaker on the other side of the room. Zac still hadn't uttered a word. I started walking backwards across the room still keeping my eyes in contact with them.
held on murder charges of missing woman
"Oh god, oh god..I have to get to the hosue quick, we are going to get overrun." I flew out of bed and just grabbed the closest clothes. I knocked frantically at the door to the house, with the newspaper grasped in my hand, before opening the door to warn them of my impending entry.
"We'd better get over there, this isn't what mom needs this morning and Zac, call Christopher, I'm getting some clothes and we'll go together.
"Everyone is fine, Tay" Like I thought Ike would tell me if mom was in an emotional state "...yes, the kids know, it was inevitable...and...you got the frontpage this morning.." I didn't really need to know that, but I knew that it was going to break sooner or later.
"We hired private security to keep them away from the house, and we managed to sneak in here fairly quietly, but getting out may be another story." Zac just sat looking at me silently. I smiled and grabbed him for another hug, messing up his hair before I released him. I could see that he was on the verge of the tears that I too was fighting back.
"Hey Tay..." Finally Zac speaks..."If you get to keep the jumpsuit, I want it.." he laughed a tight laugh. I can just see it...Zac suited up in a orange jumpsuit with INMATE printed across the back running onstage..